Thought for the Day

12/22/2009 9:56:36 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day, he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Oregon. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher. Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
12/22/2009 10:23:43 AM	Thought for the Day
wrennly Salina, UT 56, joined Oct. 2008	The awesome power of a wife's love... A very old man lay dying in his bed. At death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
12/22/2009 10:26:52 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Funeeeeeee! Wrennly.
12/22/2009 11:16:39 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up OUCH!!!!! [Edited 12/22/2009 11:17:30 AM ]
12/22/2009 11:53:23 AM	Thought for the Day
joy1dr Las Vegas, NV 59, joined Jan. 2009	Redneck Christmas Decorations
12/22/2009 11:54:31 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	That is FUNNEE, Joy!!
12/22/2009 11:56:28 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	That is sick and wrong Joy!
12/22/2009 12:01:01 PM	Thought for the Day
joy1dr Las Vegas, NV 59, joined Jan. 2009
12/22/2009 12:13:43 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	If Dr. seuss Were a Woman I'm glad I'm a woman -Yes I am, yes I am. I don't live on Budweiser, Beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to Hell before asking directions. I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown; And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down. I won't grab your boobs; I won't pinch your butt. My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut. I don't go around readjusting my crotch; or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch. I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman, you see- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing - and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting. Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back. And when I bend over You can't see my crack. I'm a woman, alas - and I'm proud, don't you see? I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for a chick - I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my #ick. I'm a woman, by chance, And thankful I am! I'm so glad I'm a woman, Not a man, yes I am
12/22/2009 12:18:41 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the Aisle and screams, "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last few minutes on Earth to be memorable... I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the aisle. Then, a man stands up from his seat and says, "I can make you feel like a woman." He's tall, well-built, good-looking man with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, makes his way slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation, as her man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Iron this
12/22/2009 9:43:44 PM	Thought for the Day
laugh_lines Ogden, UT 58, joined Nov. 2009	Random Thoughts for the Day: 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever. 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? 19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
12/22/2009 10:10:37 PM	Thought for the Day
cachehiker Hyde Park, UT 53, joined Oct. 2007
12/23/2009 1:35:38 AM	Thought for the Day
tazz10555 Sandy, UT 60, joined Aug. 2009	wiser you must really miss corie????
12/23/2009 2:06:22 AM	Thought for the Day
gypsiegirly Provo, UT 51, joined Nov. 2008	smart a sayings 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a @ucking people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 15. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 16. Allow me to introduce my selves. 17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 23. I have a computer, a vibrator & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 27. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFk you! 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 37. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done. 38. I plead contemporary insanity. 39. And which dwarf are you? 40. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 41. Meandering to a different drummer. 42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
12/23/2009 2:10:04 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008
12/23/2009 4:58:29 AM	Thought for the Day
joy1dr Las Vegas, NV 59, joined Jan. 2009	A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.' They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.' 'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'
12/23/2009 5:04:47 AM	Thought for the Day
joy1dr Las Vegas, NV 59, joined Jan. 2009	Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' I'm four and a half!' you're never thirty-six and a half. you're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ... You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ... YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50. And your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would. So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.' I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half! AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
12/23/2009 6:45:23 AM	Thought for the Day
gypsiegirly Provo, UT 51, joined Nov. 2008	Very good thoughts Joy funny how as we get older some think that its a bad thing, but I like to think of it as a good thing. we must still have important things to accomplish in life and no matter your age you can do great and wonderful things, even little things are important so do what makes you happy and your only as old as you feel.
12/23/2009 9:25:58 AM	Thought for the Day
sandi718 Bountiful, UT 51, joined Oct. 2009	Very Funny Older_wiser!
12/23/2009 10:07:57 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Oops wrong thread, but a great movie! [Edited 12/23/2009 10:09:34 AM ]
12/23/2009 10:09:34 AM	Thought for the Day
utahgal1 Ogden, UT 57, joined Dec. 2008	There was once a man who didn't believe in God, and he didn't hesitate to let others know how he felt about religion and religious holidays, like Christmas. His wife, however, did believe, and she raised their children to also have faith in God and Jesus, despite his disparaging comments. One snowy Christmas Eve, his wife was taking their children to a Christmas Eve service in the farm community in which they lived. She asked him to come, but he refused. "That story is nonsense!" he said. "Why would God lower Himself to come to Earth as a man? That's ridiculous!" So she and the children left, and he stayed home. A while later, the winds grew stronger and the snow turned into a blizzard. As the man looked out the window, all he saw was a blinding snowstorm. He sat down to relax before the fire for the evening. Then he heard a loud thump. Something had hit the window. Then another thump. He looked out, but couldn't see more than a few feet. When the snow let up a little, he ventured outside to see what could have been beating on his window. In the field near his house he saw a flock of wild geese. Apparently they had been flying south for the winter when they got caught in the snowstorm and could not go on. They were lost and stranded on his farm, with no food or shelter. They just flapped their wings and flew around the field in low circles, blindly and aimlessly. A couple of them had flown into his window, it seemed. The man felt sorry for the geese and wanted to help them. The barn would be a great place for them to stay, he thought. It is warm and safe; surely they could spend the night and wait out the storm. So he walked over to the barn and opened the doors wide, then watched and waited, hoping they would notice the open barn and go inside. But the geese just fluttered around aimlessly and did not seem to notice the barn or realize what it could mean for them. The man tried to get their attention, but that just seemed to scare them and they moved further away. He went into the house and came back out with some bread, broke it up, and made a bread crumbs trail leading to the barn. They still didn't catch on. Now he was getting frustrated. He got behind them and tried to shoo them toward the barn, but they only got more scared and scattered in every direction except toward the barn. Nothing he did could get them to go into the barn where they would be warm and safe. "Why don't they follow me?!" he exclaimed. "Can't they see this is the only place where they can survive the storm?" He thought for a moment and realized that they just wouldn't follow a human. "If only I were a goose, then I could save them," he said out loud. Then he had an idea. He went into barn, got one of his own geese, and carried it in his arms as he circled around behind the flock of wild geese. He then released it. His goose flew through the flock and straight into the barn-and one by one the other geese followed it to safety. He stood silently for a moment as the words he had spoken a few minutes earlier replayed in his mind: "If only I were a goose, then I could save them! Then he thought about what he had said to his wife earlier. "Why would God want to be like us? That's ridiculous!" Suddenly it all made sense. That is what God had done. We were like the geese - blind, lost, perishing. God had His Son become like us so He could show us the way and save us. That was the meaning of Christmas, he realized. As the winds and blinding snow died down, his soul became quiet and pondered this wonderful thought. Suddenly he understood what Christmas was all about, why Christ had come. Years of doubt and disbelief vanished like the passing storm. He fell to his knees in the snow, and prayed his first prayer: "Thank You, God, for coming in human form to get me out of the storm!" Author unknown
12/23/2009 10:11:36 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	GENDER ITEMS ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. [Edited 12/23/2009 10:13:09 AM ]
12/23/2009 10:16:07 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Thought provoking contribution Utahgal. Thanks.
12/23/2009 10:37:09 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	Quote from older_wiser: REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. This is my remote. Serious. It's huge. It's not that hard to operate. The buttons are big so you can't miss. It's easy to read. It is universal and works all my gadgets. And I have a spare if you want to take one home which will work your stuff too if you just take a minute to figure it out.
12/23/2009 10:55:31 AM	Thought for the Day
utahgal1 Ogden, UT 57, joined Dec. 2008	Quote from older_wiser: Thought provoking contribution Utahgal. Thanks. Not even there yet!Keep trying!
12/23/2009 10:57:14 AM	Thought for the Day
mtnmixer Ogden, UT 58, joined Mar. 2009	Where is there?
12/24/2009 1:16:45 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	- Redneck Driving Etiquette- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
12/24/2009 1:18:34 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Top I dedicate this to you; WHO SAYS REDNECKS AINT BRIGHT?? "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith! He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy
12/24/2009 1:20:01 AM	Thought for the Day
melting_pot Cokeville, WY 58, joined Sep. 2009	That looks like a remote control in an old folks home
12/24/2009 1:21:30 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	MP? Where do you think I reside?
12/24/2009 1:23:33 AM	Thought for the Day
melting_pot Cokeville, WY 58, joined Sep. 2009	Does your house smell like creamed corn and Mentholatum?
12/24/2009 1:26:17 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	No, it smells like warm vanilla and spun sugar
12/24/2009 1:28:22 AM	Thought for the Day
melting_pot Cokeville, WY 58, joined Sep. 2009	Yep, smells just like my Grandmas house... embrace your old age
12/24/2009 1:30:04 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	Except ummm for the next two days it is gonna be cinnamon and that hot drink - what do ya call it? Wassail? I love my Scentsy
12/24/2009 5:15:42 AM	Thought for the Day
topendstuff Eden, UT 61, joined May. 2007	Thanks for thinking of me and I thought this might be a little too but it does have some good pointers for all! 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big d*ck or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
12/24/2009 6:25:08 AM	Thought for the Day
joy1dr Las Vegas, NV 59, joined Jan. 2009	You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!" 9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. 13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. 17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan. 18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
12/24/2009 6:26:33 AM	Thought for the Day
joy1dr Las Vegas, NV 59, joined Jan. 2009	Office Holiday Memo To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
12/24/2009 12:08:29 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Oh my, my my!!!!!!! To the top three above me.
12/27/2009 10:21:27 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	The Generation Gap It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plans for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ” DANGIT DADDY….! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!
12/27/2009 10:57:50 AM	Thought for the Day
beachlover518 Charlotte, NC 65, joined Oct. 2008	DICTIONARY OF DATING ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get". INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
12/27/2009 11:27:03 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha! Rhonda!
12/27/2009 11:32:13 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Every guys dream, would you disrespect my family three tmes, puulleeeease? Grandmother’s Dating Advice There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.” She continued, “He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. Then the grandmother said, “But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.” With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I showed him who was boss! I disgraced his family! Three times!
12/27/2009 12:07:35 PM	Thought for the Day
utahgal1 Ogden, UT 57, joined Dec. 2008	Good grief
12/27/2009 12:12:12 PM	Thought for the Day
beachlover518 Charlotte, NC 65, joined Oct. 2008	Geez OW, I want that Grandma..........All mine ever said was "Honey, young ladies keep their legs crossed". If Grandma would have explained the 3 things to disgrace a boy I would of had so much more fun
12/27/2009 10:22:11 PM	Thought for the Day
celticdelight South Jordan, UT 48, joined Dec. 2008	Ahem Got this on the jokes forum. WARNING: CONTAINS SEXUALLY GRAPHIC MATERIAL There once was a female elephant in the jungle that got a thorn in her foot.... try as she may she just couldn't get it out. It was sooooo painful that she could barely walk. Now there was a mouse watching her in pain... and he went up to her and said "I'll take the thorn out of your foot .... if you let me fck you". As you may already know... Elephants find mice revolting and the thought of him completely disgusted her... but gee... her foot sure was hurting... and after all...he's just a "mouse"... so she looked around and after being convinced that they were all alone she agreed. The mouse dutifully pulled the thorn out of her foot then scampered around back and began to mount her. Unbeknowst to them, a monkey was watching all of this from a coconut tree. Hmmmmmm. The monkey thought. I'm gonna take one of these coconuts and throw it and knock that mouse off and get me some elephant! So the monkey takes a coconut and winds up like a major league pitcher and throws the coconut as hard as he can... but misses the mouse and hits the female elephant on the back of her head causing her to bellow in great pain: Blaaaaaaaat! Blaaaaaaaaaaat! Thats when the mouse says.... "That's right! Take it you btch!"
12/28/2009 11:58:19 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.” He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.” She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly. He again answered, “S-H-I-T.” The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.” The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.” The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. ‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?” The man answered, “S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday’
12/28/2009 12:07:53 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Okay last blond joke for the day! A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist apologizes, and the blonde yells,” I’m talking to that little smart-ass on your knee! Just stay out of this, mister!” [Edited 12/28/2009 12:08:45 PM ]
12/28/2009 8:10:17 PM	Thought for the Day
utahgal1 Ogden, UT 57, joined Dec. 2008	Dear lord, O/W.........good ones.
12/28/2009 11:30:30 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	Here's an old one; When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized'. Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: 'I am so glad I do not work in the rectal thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BACKSIDE THAN YOURS!
12/28/2009 11:34:23 PM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	Does it REALLY say that? I am not going to go to the store and buy one just to see. BTW, what pervert doctor initially came up with the concept of taking temperatures in this fashion anyway?
12/28/2009 11:39:42 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	In the day it was probally the best way to get a true core temperature, now I have no idea, have to wait until celtic comes around. I'm sure the doc wasn't a......pervert. Unless it was Dr. Story from Lovell....
12/28/2009 11:46:27 PM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	I sometimes wonder what eye doctor had the guts to also first stick a hard contact in his eye and acclimate to it for a few weeks like I had to back when I was in high school and switched from specs to lenses. OH THE PAIN! I got pulled over in my driveway today.... sort of.
12/28/2009 11:49:16 PM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	okay you can't start a story and not finish it...got pulled over sort of and...?
12/28/2009 11:58:55 PM	Thought for the Day
just_ct Rome, GA 58, joined Sep. 2009	In 96 I worked at Hershey's as a Shipping/Receiving Manager. One year I took a picture of my leadman standing in front of a large sign that read "PACKING" as he repacking fudge into boxes on a pallet. Then added at the bottom of the picture... "Sometimes John has a difficult time explaining his job as a fudge packer." Gave it to him for his birthday in a frame. He still has it.
12/29/2009 12:00:51 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	I just got back from the salon. It was haircut and pedi day I pulled into my driveway. The cop was driving slowly from the opposite direction. I got out of my truck and started toward my front door. He stopped on the street in front of my driveway and asked to me come to his car. I was askeered. I didn't think I was speeding or anything down the street, but ya never know! Apparently....across the street - in one of two houses, it is suspected that prostitution is taking place using a girl that might be underage. He asked me if I had seen or heard anything suspicious at all the last couple of days.
12/29/2009 12:08:16 AM	Thought for the Day
artdude42 New Carlisle, IN 51, joined Dec. 2008	so what did they find out about your neighbors
12/29/2009 12:09:25 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	You made it! Good for you. I think they are still, how do I say, investigating the claims....
12/29/2009 12:14:14 AM	Thought for the Day
older_wiser Orem, UT 63, joined Dec. 2008	I guess yo had to tell the cop you didn't know anything because you spent night and day on your computer when you weren't working.
12/29/2009 12:14:59 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	Something a little freaky. On Christmas Eve I was coming back from somewhere with my daughter --- can't remember... We got out of the truck just in time to hear blood curdling screams coming from one of the houses in question. It was not an "I'm excited Scream." It was an "I am being murdered" sort of scream. It was horrible. I turned to Chel and said, "Wow! What do we do with that?" We stood there for a second. It stopped. I am ashamed to say that we went into our house and closed the door. I did tell the policeman about it.
12/29/2009 12:17:24 AM	Thought for the Day
safetyglrl Syracuse, UT 58, joined Oct. 2008	I was editing a video for my dad, O/W. I am rarely idle when I am here. Firm believer in multitasking, Something that is foreign to some of you guys.

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