| 1/11/2010 6:26:34 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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amazingpatience
Port Richey, FL
age: 48
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id like to know why some people try to change the ways of there signifacnt other, after a while, when in fact it is usually the very thing they were attracted to to start with that they try to change can people really just accept someone for who they are without trying to change them ,into what they want them to be ????
just a few examples of what im referring to :
you met someone, they had a ciggerette in there hand, you date them and then have a problem with them smoking ? and you try to get them to quit... you knew that when you met them ..
you are attracted to someone who is freindly toward other people in general, you date them and then you become insecure, or jelous when they continue to be who they are and talk to others.
you meet someone, they are dressed sexy but classy, you date them and then you decide want them to dress down and try to change the way they dress.
you meet someone who is outgoing and a flirt, you date them , and then you dont want them to be outgoing yet its the very thing that attracted you in the first place
hummmmmmmmmm sometimes i just dont get it ! any opinions on this ???? i believe trying to change someone just doesnt work and why would you want to anyway ! let them be them and you be you, if you need to change the person, its probably not the right one for you ..........
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| 1/11/2010 6:54:56 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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slaffa
Tampa, FL
age: 57
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Very simple actually. Love IS blind simply because it has to be. Otherwise we would SEE all our mates various "faults" or "incompatibilities" BEFORE having sex with them. NO sex and NO offspring and the Human race dies off. End of story.
All of these various "discrepancies" are very easy to overlook during that first [Mad Monkey Sex] phase of love. "Waiting" has it's merits but seems to be quite difficult for many.
I am not in any way implying that you or anyone else is having sex with any one else!!! It's a nice thing to dream about though...
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| 1/11/2010 7:33:59 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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mrsmeglol
Saint Petersburg, FL
age: 31
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This is a subject near and dear to my heart it's one of the major reasons for my divorce. When my ex husband and I first met we had the same vices since then he has had to give up the fun vices because of health and work issues. He expected me to do the same when I didn't have to and don't want to. He knew from the begining 11 years ago that I never had any intentions of stopping I'm happy the way I am and just because he had to change doesn't mean I should too. 
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| 1/11/2010 9:12:32 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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scandi
Delray Beach, FL
age: 59
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There are many different aspects here that I see.
There is the controlling kind who will want to eventually claim ownership but, then, if you allow that to happen he/she will end up resenting and disliking you anyway. This person could then become abusive in other ways.
I have also known women who just want to get married because "then" they can, they dream, make the life happen that they envision, never mind his visions. Nitwits!
I also speculate that the person who will want you to change will be "on stage" while getting acquainted and then show their true colors later.
You can not change anybody, the leat one can do is maybe influence by example.
The way I see it is that the one who tries to change the other most likely have a big problem with him/her self.
I could go on and on about all of this.
Don't worry I won't
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| 1/11/2010 9:19:25 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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ktar43
Gainesville, FL
age: 43
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Well, people are always going to try to change people into who they want them to be. It's unfortunate, but it is the way it is. Fortunately, I'm not like that.
On the smoking thing though....I've found that in a relationship, people try to get the other to stop smoking for health reasons. It's more..."I care about you and don't want anything to happen to you".
just my two cents.
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| 1/11/2010 12:58:04 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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gentlemanjim1
North Fort Myers, FL
age: 61
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A good question amazing.
It reminds me of a guy that meets a girl on the beach. She is poured into the skimpiest bikini he ever saw. he gets all excited looking at all her curves and right away he has to meet her. He walks up and starts talking to her. She accepts and a new romance begins. Then when he knows he has her, tells her she can't wear that skimpy bikini to the beach anymore! The very thing that attracted him to her in the first place, must now be discarded. He is afraid some other guy will go nuts over her too. So this would be an insecurity thing in him.
I know there are some things I'd like to see change in the woman I am in love with. However, I will not try to change her. I'd be happy if they did change. But not from my asking, bleeding or even suggestion. I'd like to see them change ONLY when and if she decides to change them.
Has she changed me? Yes she has. But the changes in me took place because I wanted to change them for her, and no other reason.
No, you can't change anyone. They have to want to change themselves. sometimes we just need a good reason to change. She is that very reason.
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| 1/11/2010 2:32:23 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
age: 65
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I ran a divorce support group here for about 10 years and 5 years in another state before moving to Florida. During that time, I met 4-5,000 men and women that were going through or had recently divorced. Of course, they each had their own story, but if I had to summarize the most common problem it would be that one or both of the people had unrealistic and unspoken expectations of the other person. The lack of communication was at times mind-boggling. One time I heard, "Well, yeah, I married her, but I didn't know she would want to have kids." I couldn't believe this hadn't been discussed BEFORE marriage, but apparently it hadn't been discussed.
The other problem is making assumptions about the other person without discussing the assumption with them. For example, the assumption that "if he really loves me, he'll stop smoking when I ask him" or whatever assumption. What leads to this is thinking that everyone else has the same values as we have - since if I smoked, I would stop if he asked me, therefore I assume he will stop, if I ask him. WRONG!
I also think that many of these "deal-breaker" discussions don't take place because we are afraid of the outcome. During the initial days, weeks, months of a relationship we don't want to bring up topics that may destroy the euphoria of a new relationship so it is just so much more pleasant to assume the other person will agree with us when we get around to discussing the topic.
Communication, communication, communication!
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| 1/11/2010 3:18:09 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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amazingpatience
Port Richey, FL
age: 48
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wanna dance--------totally agree with that, everyone puts their best foot forward in the beggining of a new relationship , but is it the same person your going to see 6 months-or a year later ? communication is the key
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| 1/11/2010 5:18:23 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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bunnyniblz
Citra, FL
age: 49
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I agree with wanna_dance. Hidden agendas are toxic.
Sometimes a person is so fixated on being in a relationship, that anyone will do. They are in love with the relationship rather than their partner.
And once the fluff dissipates and they open their eyes...it's like... who is this person???? Oh no- that's not what I want. And so start the change games.
It is sad because it would be so much easier to be honest up front. Honest about who you are and what you want. Then you can spend your time together enjoying each other rather than trying to change them.
KISS it with honesty!
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| 1/11/2010 5:28:13 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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d_freebird
Cocoa, FL
age: 49
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Simple selfishness explains a lot. "Live and
let live" is not going to make it all perfect
and they're entitled to perfect. Being they're
the bright center of the universe, and all.
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| 1/11/2010 5:41:57 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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a2020dream
Valrico, FL
age: 49
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I ran a divorce support group here for about 10 years and 5 years in another state before moving to Florida. During that time, I met 4-5,000 men and women that were going through or had recently divorced. Of course, they each had their own story, but if I had to summarize the most common problem it would be that one or both of the people had unrealistic and unspoken expectations of the other person. The lack of communication was at times mind-boggling. One time I heard, "Well, yeah, I married her, but I didn't know she would want to have kids." I couldn't believe this hadn't been discussed BEFORE marriage, but apparently it hadn't been discussed.
The other problem is making assumptions about the other person without discussing the assumption with them. For example, the assumption that "if he really loves me, he'll stop smoking when I ask him" or whatever assumption. What leads to this is thinking that everyone else has the same values as we have - since if I smoked, I would stop if he asked me, therefore I assume he will stop, if I ask him. WRONG!
I also think that many of these "deal-breaker" discussions don't take place because we are afraid of the outcome. During the initial days, weeks, months of a relationship we don't want to bring up topics that may destroy the euphoria of a new relationship so it is just so much more pleasant to assume the other person will agree with us when we get around to discussing the topic.
Communication, communication, communication!
Couldn't agree with you more! But want to add communication is the greatest distance between two people. Fear, expectations, and assumptions are even euphoria killers.
Use CAUTION with the "deal breakers" and "must have lists". Case in point: I once believed I wouldn't date or accept someone who smoked into my life and ever consider having a relationship with them. What I learned - Pheromones and the laws of attraction are stronger than smoke. Chemistry can be undeniable, but to have a successful relationhip you must be willing to accept that person and embrace them for who they are, just the way they are. That translates into taking the time to know someone is key before you dismiss the possibility of a long term relationhip or commit to someone. I didn't have the expectation he would quite smoking, and as I dated him I realized that smoking is a habit, not a personality disorder, learned behavior, or character flaw. Fear, expectation, and assumptions are not only euphoria killers, they are building blocks to the "walls we put up" and road blocks to the relationhip and person we desire.
[Edited 1/11/2010 5:53:19 PM PST]
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| 1/11/2010 7:03:34 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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a2020dream
Valrico, FL
age: 49
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A good question amazing.
It reminds me of a guy that meets a girl on the beach. She is poured into the skimpiest bikini he ever saw. he gets all excited looking at all her curves and right away he has to meet her. He walks up and starts talking to her. She accepts and a new romance begins. Then when he knows he has her, tells her she can't wear that skimpy bikini to the beach anymore! The very thing that attracted him to her in the first place, must now be discarded. He is afraid some other guy will go nuts over her too. So this would be an insecurity thing in him.
I know there are some things I'd like to see change in the woman I am in love with. However, I will not try to change her. I'd be happy if they did change. But not from my asking, bleeding or even suggestion. I'd like to see them change ONLY when and if she decides to change them.
Has she changed me? Yes she has. But the changes in me took place because I wanted to change them for her, and no other reason.
No, you can't change anyone. They have to want to change themselves. sometimes we just need a good reason to change. She is that very reason.
Love what you guys have to say today! Sometimes it takes another person to open your eyes to the changes you want in your life for yourself. Sometimes it takes more than one person. It starts with yourself, but who better to change for, than the person or people you love and want to be in a relationship with. That doesn't mean you change yourself to suit them. I know I want someone in my life who inspires me to want to be better and do better, and that said, will stick around to support me through those changes. Honest change only come from within, and people do change. I know I'm not the same person I once was, because time, experince, and a few hard lessons of life and love have taught me well.
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| 1/12/2010 9:34:00 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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kindredsoull
Orlando, FL
age: 28
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This is a subject i can certainly relate to. Thanks all for your thoughts. But i think you could spend all day trying to understand the why's. 
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| 1/12/2010 11:27:14 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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naughtical
Winter Haven, FL
age: 50
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Great song, Kindred.
Thanks for sharing.
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| 1/12/2010 6:13:57 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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cajun3149
Brooksville, FL
age: 60
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Hummm, interesting.
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| 1/13/2010 8:17:11 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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a2020dream
Valrico, FL
age: 49
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Hummm, interesting.
Could you elaborate on the meaning of your post? Is that really all you have to say?
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| 1/30/2010 7:43:18 PM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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madams6382
Tampa, FL
age: 33
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You either accept somebody for who they are or you dont. If you dont like something about that person then move on. Dont waste time in a relationship trying to change that person because most likely they will not want to change. Thats who they are.
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| 1/31/2010 7:42:15 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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niceguy407
Orlando, FL
age: 23
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You like to keep in mind that it's not just mates that attempt to change us, you know, we all have friends that want us to do something (or everything) their way. or whatever, friends forcing their will like some sort of friendictator Just so they'd like us better... lolwtf
[Edited 1/31/2010 7:43:44 AM PST]
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| 1/31/2010 8:34:17 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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leona_mi
Boca Raton, FL
age: 56
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Good point, niceguy.
If I see something in the beginning I don't like in someone and it's something I know would be hard for me to tolerate I don't get involved with that person. Sometimes you don't see things till later on and then it's harder, definitely, if feelings are involved, but once again, if it's something you can't tolerate and you know it's just part of who they are, not much you can do about it, other than communicate how you feel about it and see whether it's something that can be worked out, or not.
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| 1/31/2010 8:37:28 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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problemfree
O Brien, FL
age: 57
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when it comes to changing someone,in my opinion,when you are in your 20s,30s and probably up to 35 or so,either man or woman will try to change the other because it suits them better,or so they think.But in your 40s and in our age?sorry I think is only do to the fact of total control.piriod.end of story.At our age I believe we have experience at least all that we wanted to experience,and then some,To have somebody from the outside to try to change any of us to their liking is,hummmm pathetic.
The lack of communication in relationships it is one of the major deal breaker.The assumption of the "other might do" is the next wurst thing anybody can do.that of curse is my simple opinion.
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| 2/6/2010 11:20:21 AM |
trying to change someone into someone there not |
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olddi
Daytona Beach, FL
age: 52
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You got a point there , I always tell who ever i'm with I'm NOT here to change YOU ! And I don't want to be change too .BUT If he the guy for me he won't need to be changes  . Now I really enjoy motorcycles and not all guys do or have one so I would like to talk him into getting one or help him get one BUT like I said i'm not into change anyone . di
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