| 2/13/2008 2:06:17 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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gmawd
Sabina, OH
age: 61
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Dave, I did the same thing,markers, names and all, doesn"t make for good conversation,butI havent dated much so I guess I will learn. Its still hard for me right now, even after 4 yrs. Good luck to all of us . 
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| 2/16/2008 5:46:57 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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xjayx19
Gainesville, TX
age: 63
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I lost my wife to cancer after 37 years of marriage. Its only been four months but that doesnt mean in the slightest that I didnt love her with all I had and dont miss her. Truthfully its my two daughters that talked me into coming on here and going out now and then. I think she would have agreed with them. Who knows, sooner or later maybe I will know better what I want and need now. Do I talk about it with others? I just dont know how to hold a conversation for very long without her not being in it somehow. But I dont dwell on it.
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| 2/18/2008 7:58:52 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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laceyrae
Portage, WI
age: 53
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Well started going with my husband at age 14 . He has always been in my life . Almost my whole past is with him.I know you shouldn`t talk about them . But he`s always there from music to tv shows , everything it`s soooooo hard .
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| 2/24/2008 10:15:41 AM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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alice1891
Corning, AR
age: 55
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I lost my husbandin 2003. Even though I went to a grief group I have never really got over him. How the heck can you keep on living or manage to go on.
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| 2/24/2008 3:40:53 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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justme541954
Airdrie, AB
age: 54
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Women I date generally want to know how long I've been widowed, and how my wife died.
When I say it was a drug overdose, a frequent response is something like: "Yup. My first husband was an alcoholic!"
Even: "Man! I don't know what to say," is an encouragement to go on.
People who respond with stony silence are too self-centered for me to worry about.
I usually give a very brief sketch of what happened. Then I say that grieving is life-long, but that doesn't mean I'm not getting on with my life. That shifts the focus back to the issue of dating.
Recognize that you're not talking about yourself here! You're talking about the possible impact of what happened on your relationship with your date. So mentioning the past--in the right way--is very appropriate.
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| 2/24/2008 4:02:42 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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justme541954
Airdrie, AB
age: 54
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Hi Alice,
Sorry! It looks as if I was ignoring you! I haven't been widowed long, but it was very sudden and sometimes the sadness is overwhelming.
Maybe I need to recognize that I'll never get over Suzy, but I can still get on with life.
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| 2/27/2008 8:45:15 AM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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justbig
Springfield, MO
age: 47
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I haven't had a chance to read all the posts yet and plan to do that later this afternoon but wanted to respond to the original question. Any man with a compassionate heart should not take offense to the fact that you still do and always will miss and love the spouse that you lost. It's not like you don't have the capacity to love someone else. Each of us just needs to decide when we are able to have a new relationship where we can give our all to that person. Hopefully we don't have quite the same baggage as some who may have gone through a difficult divorce ( is there an easy one?) . Our wonderful relationships were cut short prematurely. Cudos to us for hanging in there. Here's hoping you all find perfect love again.
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| 2/27/2008 9:21:22 AM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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familyguy58103
Los Angeles, CA
age: 88
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I don't know how or why you would avoid talking about him or her. It would be on the same lines as talking about your kids and/or grandkids- it's a part of your past and that person will always be a part of you. Now dwelling on it in conversation is another matter.
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| 3/2/2008 8:14:30 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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pawtuxet
Cranston, RI
age: 50
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I dated one man for six months who had lost his ony two brothers at thirteen when they were
hit by a car. He understood everything I was going through the survivor's guilt. the nightmares and never had any insecurities about it. He helped me heal so much and even
though we are no longer together I feel we were brought together for a reason. He was a godsend to me.
Everyone has been sympathetic, I have dated. But now I only tell people who ask he died of
End Stage Renal Disease. It has taken me over a year, to remember him healthy and that is the way I want to remember him.
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| 3/5/2008 10:50:37 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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bouquet
Temecula, CA
age: 63
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Sinse my husband died 5 yrs ago it seems like divorced men and woman are soooooooooo bitter and untrusting . When I first talked to my now fiance we seemed right for each other ~ and I think that because we both suffered that loss , we know we are on the same page . . . . We do concentrate on our relationship though , neither one of us wants to dwell in the past , but optimistic for the future . 
[Edited 3/5/2008 10:58:50 PM]
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| 3/6/2008 3:07:31 AM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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familyguy58103
Los Angeles, CA
age: 88
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I don't like to use the word "baggage" because it sounds so ugly. But I agree, the experience of divorce is very different from the experience of losing a mate through death. It may as a rule take us widowers longer to get back in the game, but I don't think we are nearly as jaded. All you need do, is look under "forums", at chat and discussion boards, and see the vitriol and distrust so many divorced people have for the opposite sex.
I saw a long divorced woman for a short time, and I'm not sure she ever did grasp the fact that burying my spouse after 25 happy years, was a much different event than divorcing a husband who was a drug user and adulterer after 10 years of marriage.
[Edited 3/6/2008 3:21:31 AM]
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| 3/6/2008 11:20:49 AM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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bouquet
Temecula, CA
age: 63
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I don't know for sure , but maybe we tend to measure every man by that man that we didn't want to loose . This probably doesn't sound nice , but after 5 years I have let myself admit that my "Ted" as wonderfull as he was (and he was) was not perfect , and that I did have dissapointments with "him" . My now fiance is very different , and I have realized for some time that some differences might really be good . I have lots of love to give and I don't to go to waste . I hope I don't offend anyone .
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| 3/6/2008 8:36:29 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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libraryliz
Martinsville, VA
age: 58
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I dated a widower and it was comforting. We both know and accept that other person in our lives that has gone. We talk about things we did as couples. We find things in common and laugh about the funny things that happened in our lives. We are comfortable in speaking about our spouses.
I dated someone that had had two bad divorces. When he got sick and wouldn't go to the emergency room, I told him no one else was going die on my watch. He thought for a minute and said I forgot. Let's go to the emergency room.
I find that some widowers don't like to talk and some do. It is really up to the individual how comfortable they are with the subject.
Take care. If you would like to email me and talk about your spouse, please do so. It help so much just tell someone the little things. Liz
[Edited 3/6/2008 8:41:39 PM]
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| 3/6/2008 9:29:50 PM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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wooki
Menasha, WI
age: 70
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For what its worth...I am a female & a male friend from high school calls me occasionally.He lost his wife about 2 yrs after I lost my husband.I tried to ease him through his transition & he tells everyone he enjoys talking to me & that I helped him a lot.I just gave him helpful hints on making it through each day as he was hanging onto old memories & not trying to move on at all.He still had her purse where she left it 6 mos. before.We did go out once or twice,but I found he was interested in a physical relationship & I was not so that was that,I cut him loose.THEN,he met this woman & the very first thing he did was take her....to the MAUSALEUM where his wife is entombed. How is That for a first date?? Now,6 mos. later,they are moving in together.So you never know...I guess you have to play it by ear.
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| 3/8/2008 10:12:51 AM |
Talking about your deceased spouse when dating |
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pawtuxet
Cranston, RI
age: 50
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I found the grave marker to be very difficult decision. The ground was frozen, so I had
time to think about what I would be put on it, Five Months later, his brother died and
I offered the spot to his family so they could be be buried together. My in-laws thanked
me and told me it was so wonderful and kind of me. I am being cremated.
A few people criticized the decision. But I feel it less lonely for the both of them.
Ironic, isn't it since I rarely visit graves as I do not believe they are there.
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