See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.

8/11/2012 10:44:37 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	I will begin. Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
8/21/2012 12:35:23 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
tnt8285 Ottumwa, IA 35, joined Aug. 2012	Spell pig backwards and say funny
8/21/2012 8:42:38 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011
8/31/2012 2:56:58 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011
9/2/2012 10:16:44 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	A man walks into a bar sits down and orders a drink. He notics a large jar of money behind the bar and asks what its for. The bartender says its for anyone who go in the back and make the donkey laugh. The man says"I can do that" so he goes in the back and a few minutes later comes back out says "I'll take my money now" the bartender asked him what he said to make the donkey laugh, the man simply said "I bet him my d*ck is bigger then his" the bartender chuckled and gave him the jar of money. The man left, about a week later the man comes back and there is a new jar full of money behind the bar the man points and says now what, bartender says thats for anyone who can make him stop laughing. The man goes "I got this" he walked in to the back and again a few minutes later comes out says "I'll take my money" bartender hands him the money and asks what the hell did you say this time, The man said, "Nothing, I just proved it to him." [Edited 9/2/2012 10:18:36 AM ]
9/2/2012 10:51:36 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell, "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?
9/3/2012 3:32:28 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!" Joke 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" Joke 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That?s a good piece of fir." "Correct,? says the manager, ?now try this one." "That?s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,? says the blind man, ?Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her a** in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you?re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It?s the shit house door off a tuna boat!" joke 3 Enjoy all --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/3/2012 6:11:41 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	Excellent, Candra!
9/4/2012 9:19:49 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Quote from harderthanitis: Excellent, Candra! Thank you thank you I'm here all week
9/4/2012 9:22:13 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That's not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!" They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I'll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/4/2012 12:46:10 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011
9/4/2012 3:02:08 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	Cute, Mr. Java!
9/4/2012 3:03:37 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	So happy you are here all week, Candra!
9/4/2012 4:58:15 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
love2bbq Iowa City, IA 57, joined Mar. 2011	three guys walk into a bar, the fourth ducks.
9/4/2012 5:03:20 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	Mr. BBQ!
9/4/2012 5:17:37 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
love2bbq Iowa City, IA 57, joined Mar. 2011	there was this guy out playing golf with his wife and he was having the best game of his life. he gets to the 15th hole and tees off he hooks it bad and his ball ends up in a shed right in the middle of it. the wife looks at it and says if i hold the door open like this you should be able to hit the green from here and he looks at it and agrees. so she holds the door open and he hits the ball and it strikes her in the temple and kills her dead.... now that you have morned for the lady i will continue. one year later he was out playing with his best friend and was having the best game ever and he came to that 15th hole and hooks it back into the shed. they walk up to his ball and it was laying just about the same place it was a year earlier. his friend says i bet if i hold this door open like this you could hit the green from here. the guy yells out hell no last time i did that it cost me four strokes.
9/4/2012 10:27:51 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Bobbitt Hillbillies Song (Sung to the tune from 'Beverly Hillbillies') Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John. A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone It seems one night after getting with the wife She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend Curve, that is Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!" To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is By a fence. Evidence. Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a d*ck Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong." A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed Whizzed, that is Even seam, Straight stream Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape Video, that is Unexposed. Case closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear....
9/5/2012 10:11:48 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012
9/5/2012 11:19:01 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	That's a good one, Candra! Love your sense of humor! LOL!
9/5/2012 7:19:37 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
love2bbq Iowa City, IA 57, joined Mar. 2011	i bow down to the comedy queen as i hold and cover my wong.
9/5/2012 8:05:20 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	Quote from love2bbq: i bow down to the comedy queen as i hold and cover my wong. That's funny! Hold on tight!
9/6/2012 12:32:28 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you F*KING BTCH' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whrehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fk. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home. Next week, he returns to the whrehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy f*king a pigeon!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dck. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE QUEEN IS BACK........
9/6/2012 4:29:22 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012
9/6/2012 4:34:20 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you F*KING BTCH'
9/6/2012 6:33:17 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	Gees, you two! Welcome back, Queen! Lol!
9/6/2012 7:04:36 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Thank you,And now for your amusement................ Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house. Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella! Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cck in the side with the hole." Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts f*king the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success! After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!" To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants. "Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?" Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/6/2012 7:14:16 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	"A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...' " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OMG!!!! Too funny!
9/6/2012 7:20:37 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pssy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pssy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible". Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle". Before he could finish the old lady fainted! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/6/2012 7:23:30 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Quote from Candra: A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!" ^^^ Where do you get your jokes...?
9/6/2012 7:24:02 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	You're on a roll, Candra! Lol! One of my favorites: Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
9/6/2012 7:39:38 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	^^^ Where do you get your jokes...? If I told ya I would have to kill you The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple" The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Btch" or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, "B...Baseball." And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R...Rat" Johnny replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fkin' rat with a dck 12 inches long." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/6/2012 7:48:02 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Quote from candrajohnson: ^^^ Where do you get your jokes...? If I told ya I would have to kill you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good luck with that junior..
9/6/2012 7:55:20 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012
9/6/2012 7:56:47 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	You want a shot at the title little lady..??
9/6/2012 8:15:03 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	I already own the title little boy
9/7/2012 6:54:43 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Maybe in the Minor Leagues lil' girl.. A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?” She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.” He says, “No kidding! you're a f***ing lawyer too?” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it starts to get dark. “I’ve never come this way before,” says one of the women. “Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and wife moved home to the mountains of North Carolina from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ohio it had cost him $2000 a year. When they arrived in North Carolina they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The insurance agent looked up from his computer and said "$39." The husband was shocked and asked "why so cheap here in North Carolina when it cost $2000 in Ohio?" The insurance agent turned to his computer screen and said, "well here it is on the screen. It says "any wooden structure with a sprinkler system above it is $39.
9/7/2012 8:30:04 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Weak Java... Here is how its done One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To men dicussing how tight a cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls a out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a b*tch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/7/2012 8:38:46 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Oh, Im just warming up... A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is this guy who has a 25 inch dck. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dck smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cck will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you." The guys dck shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags..those are your boobs." All she had to say was.."Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
9/7/2012 8:46:32 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is this guy who has a 25 inch dck. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dck smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cck will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you." The guys dck shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This one was funny
9/7/2012 8:49:02 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Glad you liked it..nice to see ya smile..
9/7/2012 9:17:29 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."
9/8/2012 8:13:26 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011	A Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
9/8/2012 1:17:31 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
izabo Ocheyedan, IA 58, joined Aug. 2012	candra and java have you two even tried to meet? Split the difference in distance 90 miles each meet in the middle. I think you two would hit it off great!
9/8/2012 4:34:57 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years." She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion". "OK" he says, "you're f**king ugly as well!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ENJOY
9/9/2012 7:21:02 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." ...Nice!!...
9/9/2012 7:25:04 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Quote from izabo: candra and java have you two even tried to meet? Split the difference in distance 90 miles each meet in the middle. I think you two would hit it off great! Would be honored to meet her some day. Think she and I would have a lot of fun together. But, its tough getting away for me. I work six days a week. Manage a store on the town square here, and Im a one man show...
9/9/2012 9:40:24 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Awww you know I would love to meet you to.....
9/9/2012 9:44:49 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't f**k her." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive." The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/9/2012 1:27:17 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Quote from candrajohnson: Awww you know I would love to meet you to..... Well, what do ya say we make this happen..??
9/9/2012 1:51:44 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	ok
9/9/2012 2:51:58 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011
9/10/2012 1:38:56 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some ahole puts a swimming cap on me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "F**k you!" Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/10/2012 8:46:09 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	Got this in an email today.. Back in the day when I used to frequent the night spots, I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?" That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
9/10/2012 8:48:42 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012
9/10/2012 8:57:08 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	... Good morning Miss Candra..
9/10/2012 9:15:40 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	Good Morning A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!" The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
9/10/2012 9:23:14 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
74javajunkie Centerville, IA 43, joined May. 2011	I like that last one.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real a*hole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old btch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
9/10/2012 6:56:52 PM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
harderthanitis Lansing, IA 66, joined Jan. 2011
9/18/2012 10:20:27 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
larboy Keswick, IA 67, joined Feb. 2012	I had not bothered to read this thread. Started page 4, had to go to 1 and read all. Amazing how good one feels after 15 belly laughs. My Living Will Last night, my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room when I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that happens, just pull the plug," They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. They are so on my shit list.
9/18/2012 11:02:01 AM	See if you can make me laugh, tell me a joke.
candrajohnson Cedar Rapids, IA 37, joined Jul. 2012	A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit." The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?" "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?" "Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?" "Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?" The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man. "You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The QUEEN has returned!!!!!!!!

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