The Burning Bush

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8/21/2016 9:20:24 AM	The Burning Bush
cupocheer Assumption, IL 68, joined May. 2010	A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is a ‘caress’?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in five seconds and asked, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?” [Edited 8/21/2016 9:21:11 AM ] Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
8/22/2016 7:48:36 AM	The Burning Bush
cupocheer Assumption, IL 68, joined May. 2010	Moses: Well, would you look at that. It's a bush and it's on fire but it's not burning up! Wish I had one of those in the tent -- I wouldn't have to chop so much firewood. What a great source of energy -- I wonder how it works? God's Voice: MOSES! Moses: Did someone say something? (turns around) Nope, no one here. God: Moses? Moses: You talkin' to me? I guess there's no one else in this particular part of the desert called Moses, so, uh, here I am, whoever you are. God: Do not come near the bush. Remove your sandals. Moses: These sandals? You gotta be kidding. It's a hot day -- my feet are sweaty. You gonna be sorry! God: Take off your sandals, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground. Moses: I don't see any holes. God: That's not funny. Moses: Right then, off with the sandals. (he removes them) God: I am the God of your fathers; the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Moses: Oh! I -- I'm sorry about the jokes, Lord; I didn't realize who you were. God: I have seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and am aware of their suffering. I am going to deliver them from their slavery and take them to a land flowing with milk and honey. Moses: Wow, that's great! I've been praying that you would deliver them. God: I am sending you to Pharaoh to deliver my people from Egypt. Moses: (taken aback -- sputters) I -- I'm not sure I heard you right. Could you rephrase that last statement? God: You heard me. I am sending you to Pharaoh to set my people free. Moses: You've got to be kidding! But then, you don't joke, do you? Say, uh, Lord, it's just not like you to make a mistake. God: Why do you think I made a mistake? Moses: Well, who do you think I am that I should talk to Pharaoh? I haven't seen him for over 40 years and we weren't the best of friends back then. God: I will be with you. And as a sign that I have sent you, when you bring my people out of Egypt, you shall come and worship me here on this mountain. Moses: When I bring the people out of Egypt . . . Lord, I don't think you understand. What if something goes wrong before that? Couldn't I have a little sign before that; like if the Israelites ask me, "Who sent you?" what would I say? God: I AM THAT I AM. Tell them I AM has sent you. And tell Pharaoh you want to take the children of Israel three days' journey into the wilderness to make sacrifices. Moses: Will Pharaoh listen to me? God: Not at first. But then I will strike Egypt with many terrible signs and wonders, Moses: But what about the Israelites; If they don't believe me, it could get pretty embarrassing. God: What do you have in your hand? Moses: (a bit indignant at the simple question) A stick for walking with, what do you think? (then realizes who he's talking to) Oh, a rod. God: Throw it on the ground. (Moses does so) Moses: Oh, look, it's moving! It's a snake! I don't like spiders and snakes! (backs away in fear) God: Now, grab it by the tail. (Moses looks up and mouths the command) Moses: Here, snakey-snakey . . . here boy. Hey, snakey-poo, you're going the wrong way -- come this way. (snake comes toward him) No, no, no, go that way (he motions for it to go away from him then creeps up behind the snake and grabs it) Whew! It's a rod again. God: Now, put your hand in your tunic. (Moses does so, and pulls it back out) Moses: Leprosy! Oh, Lord -- I'm sorry about all the jokes . . . I'll do anything you want. I'll even go talk to Pharaoh . . . God: Put your hand back in. (Moses does so, pulls it out again) Moses: Clean again, thank goodness. (pause) Uh, Lord, I . . . (quickly I take back what I said. God: About going to Pharaoh? Moses: Well, yes. You see Lord, I'm just not very eloquent, and if I ever was, I've lost it. I bet my merds wixed up and my tang all tungled when I have to peak in spublic. God: (voice rising) Who made man's mouth? Who makes him dumb or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I the Lord? Now go, and I will be with your mouth and will teach you what you are to say. Moses: (whining) But Lord, can't you see I just don't want to go? God: I can see that. Moses: Then why don't you send someone else? There's got to be someone out there who's just dying to see Pharaoh. God: All right, you asked for it. I'm going to send Aaron as my spokesman. Moses: My brother Aaron! I should have thought of him earlier! You can always count on him. (starts to pick up sandals, as if to exit) God: You're not off the hook yet, Moses. I am going to speak to you -- you will speak to Aaron, then Aaron will speak to Pharaoh and the people of Israel. Moses: Isn't that kind of confusing? God: Stop talking. Get walking! Moses: Yes, Lord. (he exits) God: Now why didn't you say that in the first place?