| 3/17/2009 11:45:30 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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fordfriendly
Berthoud, CO
58, joined Mar. 2009
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how do you deal with a divoice from a person whom you been married to for over 30 years. she just wants her freedom and wants me to let her go. no one has cheated in this marrage. wants to be friends only
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| 3/18/2009 9:54:36 AM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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honeyhoney4
Benton, IL
80, joined Jan. 2008
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My only suggestions would be--ask her to go thru counciling first,IF she will.
Possibly a separation...with her living by herself for a couple of months-
in a different place.. you keep where you are now living.
It will not be as easy having less money and being by herself because it will get lonely.
Nothing like being lonely and broke,lol.
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| 3/18/2009 5:47:51 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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rkl50
Elnora, IN
58, joined Jan. 2009
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I was divorced last year after 27 years. It made me mad as hell at first, my ex kept telling me we had just grew apart. I had just got so used to things the way they were,that I had not realized it. Maybe that has happened to you also. I went thru hell last year, but after a few months and the anger and hurt went away, I realized he was right. It is not easy at all to cope with. But right now we are friends and good friends at that, if it had of went on it would have made us enemies. Will we ever get back together, no. He did end up cheating at the end, I am not sure but I really think that was his last resort to push me away. And it worked!
If that is what is going on, please do not let it become a hateful bitter seperation, it is so much better especially if kids are involved to seperate on friendly terms!
No matter what the reasons are, it is going to hurt like hell for a while! Good luck!
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| 3/18/2009 7:09:34 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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paulieg1
New Lenox, IL
62, joined Jan. 2009
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After 30 years, she just wants to be friends? And you truly believe there's no one else involved? When you love and cherish someone, they're not only your "other half", lover, partner, etc. THEY ARE ALSO YOUR FRIEND. No matter what you think you know at this point, there's more to her story. You'll find out. Is menopause in the picture? I only ask, because it played a MAJOR role in my divorce of 23 years.
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| 3/18/2009 7:24:24 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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atouchoftink
Palmetto, GA
61, joined Jan. 2009
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Mine ended after 30 years in 08 due to his cheating... Did that stop my loving him at that time? No it didn't... It took time.. At first their was anger, then pain, then not understanding why or how he could do that to me, then the good part happened... Indifference... Sometimes we get to a point after so many years that we lose sight of what made you love that person in the first place... No longer do the things you did earlier in the marriage.. Take each other for granted.. Then sometimes as hard as it is one or the other just falls out of love... No amount of counseling will work if she no longer loves you... Hope it works out for you and good luck...
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| 3/22/2009 8:13:37 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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littletanke
Orlando, FL
69, joined Jan. 2008
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divorced after 28 years says she doesnt love me any more wants a better life wants to keep in touch why bother dont need to be reminded whats over is over time to get on with the next part of my life
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| 3/22/2009 8:29:22 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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ziggysdad
Glen Burnie, MD
77, joined Aug. 2008
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how do you deal with a divoice from a person whom you been married to for over 30 years. she just wants her freedom and wants me to let her go. no one has cheated in this marrage. wants to be friends only
My friend I went through the same thing after 33 years .Dont give her the satisfaction of knowing you will miss her. Pack up and start a new life ,cancell any life ins. with her name on it and go smell the roses . Life is to short for regrets , go live it up.
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| 3/22/2009 8:36:50 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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ziggysdad
Glen Burnie, MD
77, joined Aug. 2008
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divorced after 28 years says she doesnt love me any more wants a better life wants to keep in touch why bother dont need to be reminded whats over is over time to get on with the next part of my life
I couldnt agree with you more .Cant mend a broken heart and why keep in touch just to be a sucker repairing the house. Once your heart is broken we dont need the wife or the house repair.
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| 3/22/2009 10:20:25 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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missmissgal
Memphis, TN
56, joined Jan. 2009
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I agree with most of the other posts. My person opinion is it is hard to "just be friends" after that long. My ex- told me the same thing. But he was already fishing in another pond. His loss!
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| 3/23/2009 10:51:28 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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twinkles2
Denver, CO
27, joined Mar. 2009
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I am there with ya. After 23 years of marriage, my husband left me. There may not be cheating there, but the intent is there. Freedom is an excuse. Shortly after he left he was with the woman he said that there was nothing there. It will be lonely at first, but it does get better. it just takes time. They have moved on so you finally realize it is time for you to move on and quit dwelling on the past, you know who you are and remember, The past cannot be changed, but the FUTURE is whatever you want it to be! life is what you make it. divorce is life changing after that long of marriage. you are literally starting over in all aspects of your life, emotionally, phsyically, financially. If there is any sign of hope and making it work, go for it. But it does take two to change and it does take two to make it work.  
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| 3/24/2009 10:22:26 AM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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victorwashere
Bloomington, IL
44, joined Mar. 2009
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You have to tell your wife that her decision is really affecting you. Talk to her. Thirty years is a long time two people share together and you're not willing to fight for her? This is the woman of your dreams we're talking about here. The woman you proposed to and had the priviledge of holding, kissing, sharing, living your life with for THIRTY YEARS.
Divorce is not an option here.
You know she loves you. Talk to her and let her know why she married you in the first place. Tell her those corny things you used to talk about. The things you and her know so well.
Good luck.
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| 3/24/2009 6:07:46 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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rocket000
Suwanee, GA
59, joined Mar. 2007
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I'm so sorry for your pain. My ex husband left after a long term marriage and I was devastated. He claimed there was no one else either. He eventually married "miss nobody else" and now cheats on her too. Although I knew what he did was wrong I still loved him. It took me almost 5 years to fully recover emotionally. He wiped me out financially.
It would be great if your wife was willing to go to counseling but she may have "checked out" of this marriage a long time ago. It's possible she may have someone waiting in the wings. Hopefully, she will agree to a trial separation. In most cases "if" there is somebody else it will burn out in less than 18 months when reality "sinks" in an the armor starts to tarnish. If she wants out you can't stop her. If that is true
Then.......
Please consider getting involved with counseling and a support group. I did the counseling but wished I had done the group thing too. Although I don't like to air my personal business the group can be a blessing and catalyst to help move forward. It can also help you avoid certain pitfalls that are common to newly divorced people.
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| 3/24/2009 7:05:54 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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softouchron
Indianapolis, IN
70, joined Mar. 2009
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My wife of 28 years and lover/friend of 33 years, three children, 13 years my junior said she wanted a divorce out of the blue. atouchoftink put everything in perspective. The stages, the uselessness of counseling, "I want to be friends" She dressed younger, odorned herself with lots of jewelry, piercings, tanning beds. She wanted to catch up on what she had been missing. I let her go and just tried to forgive her so I could move on. I got involved in church with plenty of encouragement, a closer relationship to Jesus, made some goals for myself and I'm coming through the storm. At least the worst of the roller coaster is over. I even prepared the divorce papers and paid the filing fee myself. I am at indifference now. LOve covers many things. You don't see the wrinkles coming as fast as the gray hair or all the things they were doing to you.. But when love isn't there. your perspective changes. Now she isn't the enemy, loneliness is. My children have been very supportive of me. She didn't get that and those relationships will never be the same. Casting Crowns sings a song called "Slow Fade". You give yourself away a little at time. Until one day you think you are standing by yourself but you are really sinking. I pray for her every night and go on with my life. Looking to take care of that other enemy.
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| 3/25/2009 6:59:21 AM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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rocket000
Suwanee, GA
59, joined Mar. 2007
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softtouchron- sounds like you're a good guy and have taken the right steps. Even though we can understand certain things from an intellectual perspective, it can take alot longer for the heart to "catch up".
I'm preparing to speak at a support group for divorcing women in May. The line I will mention, just as I did last year is, "None of us is where we expected to be".
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| 3/29/2009 3:12:28 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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ziggysdad
Glen Burnie, MD
77, joined Aug. 2008
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You have to tell your wife that her decision is really affecting you. Talk to her. Thirty years is a long time two people share together and you're not willing to fight for her? This is the woman of your dreams we're talking about here. The woman you proposed to and had the priviledge of holding, kissing, sharing, living your life with for THIRTY YEARS.
Divorce is not an option here.
You know she loves you. Talk to her and let her know why she married you in the first place. Tell her those corny things you used to talk about. The things you and her know so well.
Good luck.
at 35 years old I also thought like you do my friend aparently you havn,t had your heart fried and boiled yet. If it happens to you , your opinion on devorce will change. Espcially when living alone sounds like a wonderful option. You can,t change another persons heart for them,lest you choose to die of a broken heart in the process. No offense meant but you sound like a priest or a baptist minister ,I have heard enough of that kind of advice to last two lifetimes.
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| 3/29/2009 3:33:54 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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shir567
Beaverton, OR
67, joined Nov. 2007
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Agree with SofttouchRon. Could have written it myself. I don't know what died, I never will. We laughed, touched and played, talked and shared everyday. He said it just wasn't there anymore and he needed something out hter that just would be found at home. It will always be hard. We are programed to have a reason for failure. Sometimes we don't fail, we just lose. Good luck, and keep reaching out to other's. Try to think about her a little less each day.
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| 3/30/2009 5:14:20 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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cookie5993
Star, ID
66, joined Sep. 2008
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Was married 32 years when he wanted a divorice. Had spent the last 14 years with him having PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder). Hes the one everyone was always concerned about. Just had opened a resturant , which is something I had always wanted to do, when he wanted out of marrage. He was gone for at least 2 months of the year hunting and didn't work for the last 14 years. Was on disability so he thought that was enough. Has taken me 7 years but I now enjoy who I am, have a good relationship with my kids. He has become a hermit with little contact with his family. Wish him the best but glad I'm out.
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| 4/3/2009 11:13:58 AM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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tucky
Lancaster, KY
68, joined Jan. 2008
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I was married 30 yrs, now divorced six. Time will take care of the scares left after such a long time with one person. I think you try to be friends if children are involved. Once gone, its gone, you can't go back. My best sugestion to anyone, conceling for yourself if needed, forget joint fixing what isn't there anymore. Move on, and put yourself #1. And let life take care of itself. You can't contol your future, thats why it called the future....Let go, stop trying to contol the past....
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| 4/11/2009 5:08:06 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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usakindatheart
Overton, TX
56, joined Mar. 2008
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how do you deal with a divorce from a person whom you been married to for over 30 years. she just wants her freedom and wants me to let her go. no one has cheated in this marriage. wants to be friends only
my spouse said the same thing, months later i found he lied his a** off, and had a woman he found on line, then it got worse and i found alot of women on line in diffrent states plus his main squeeze which was in canada... his girl friends were every where, he was paying their apartment, car payments... spent tons on motels... he is in the oil field and travels all over usa. Those ladies racked up the money... and he loved all the attention from so many women plus had a home and hearth...
he would make excuses to go to houston, or stay longer in Louisiana, he even had an oil field buddy that they would both go together and cheat on his wife too.
we want to believe that they are going through some mid life crisis, but the reality is, they are looking over the fence.. and it makes them feel alive and younger...
makes me sick the head trips they give us... but hey... good news
one day, you won't even think about them anymore... they will be just a memory..
and if they call and act all friendly.. you can look at the phone, laugh and hang up.
you have to go through the stages of mourning your relationship...
shock
denial
bargaining
anger
depression
resignation
just blank
hope
you will go back and forth on the anger one... so don't be surprised.
TRY very hard not to blanket all women as your wife... when you hit anger you will tend to do this... and remember alot of women have been burnt just like you...on this site.
so try to be kind in your words.
take care
usa
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| 5/1/2009 11:09:56 PM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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mad4
Manassas, VA
72, joined Jul. 2004
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You all gave good advice. After 38 years and 6 years alone I am still angry. It was an X friend of mine he is married to now. I have no desire to ever see either one of them as long as I live.
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| 5/2/2009 2:28:48 AM |
Divoice after 30 year marriage |
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trucker13
Bear Creek, AL
63, joined Jul. 2007
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30 years of marriage is a long time been there done that got the battle scars mine left in '05 said we were getting back together and that she still loves me well guess what after less than 2 years she started seeing a sleezeball goes to church every sunday and guess again yes she let him move in with her and he don't help pay bills or anything and now i have to ask myself where was he before she left maybe in the shadows and when she got out she wanted him i just tell myself that he must have a wart somewhere besides on his nose and it feels good to her!!!!!!!!
been 4 long years but i am coming to grips with it just keep on keeping on it will get better had a lady tell me she went thru counseling when her ex left and they say that for each five years you were together it will take a year of healing: beginning to see what they mean!!!!
good luck it can drive you crazy (and with me it was not a long trip to get there!!!!!!!!!!!)  
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