| 1/2/2008 6:43:24 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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lissajo
Saint Paul, MN
age: 33
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My son is 11 yrs old, I have raised him alone from the time he was born. His father left us before he was even born. He saw him once when my son was about 3 years old and again most recently this past summer. The last time my son got to see or even talk to his dad was in October. No phone call from him on Thanksgiving or Christmas or New years... Nothing. Yes I get Child support and I am very greatful for the extra income. However I would give it all back just so my son could have his dad in his life. That man is confusing my son and I have no idea how to approach him on the subject or even if I should for that matter. Any advise???  
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| 1/2/2008 8:23:33 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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sldrnskewl22
Waco, TX
age: 23
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Well, I will speak from experience, goin through it myself as the son. I can tell you off the top that no matter what you do, any man that comes in contact with your son, he will wonder who he is. Whether or not you want to tell him and accept all the questions that come with it is up to you. My mama decided not to tell me anything about my father, and though I knew who he was when he came around, there was still tension. When I turned 15 after he paid for my driver's license, I felt a sudden urge to ask my mama a lot of questions. I could tell the questions were overwhelming her, but I still fired away. After I found that my father and I had so much in common, it was too late. Just when we started building a good wholesome relationship, he past away. I regreted a lot about what I told him and didn't tell him. There is so much hatred for the time wasted, but of course there isn't much to do about it now. I suggest you try to work him in now, and as fast as kids are these days, I'm sure the questions will be the same ones you would ask. So you should have answers to most of them lol. Hope I helped and thanks for listening. It's been awhile. Doin what I do best for the Great State of Texas...
[Edited 1/2/2008 8:24:52 PM]
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| 1/2/2008 9:59:00 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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new2this2007
Tifton, GA
age: 35
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I have found the best advice is to listen to the children of single parents. I didn't know I was pregnant until after my son's father & I broke up (long story). I finally found him & he has no interest. People have told me that when my son gets older (5 or 6, when he can understand things more logically) his father will find him to try to start a relationship. I don't get any child support (or any other support, not even a picture or medical history) now so I just take it one day at a time. My my parents have been a tremendous help emotionally and financially. My son is only 2 1/2 yrs old right now but I know he'll soon wonder. The only thing I know to do is tell him the truth when he starts asking and hope that he will understand. The best way I can advise is to go with your heart & the rest will follow. You know what is best for your son. You've done it for 11 yrs & you will know what's best for your child. Just let us know if you need anything!
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| 1/2/2008 11:47:03 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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armychik68r
Bertram, TX
age: 23
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Well I'm a single mother of a 2 yr old. I am not having trouble with him popping in and out. He doesn't ever come around. I would say sense your son is 11. In my opinion: I would talk with the father and tell him that you would like him to be in you're sons life. But You don't want him to hurt him by popping in and out. If he doesn't stop popping in and out some states have laws against mothers/ fathers popping in and out of the childs life and will either court order him to show up to visitation or will take visitation rights away. At 11 they are going to start asking questions, and you unfortunately are going to be the one that has to answer them.
I dread the day my daughter asks my why she doesn't have a daddy.
Well hopefully some of that helps.
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| 1/3/2008 4:53:23 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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goochie137
Kalamazoo, MI
age: 39
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I'm the single mom of a 5 year old. I have done it alone since before he was born. I do not get any child support, and no I have never take him to court. His father lives in the same town as I do. He sees my son maybe on an average of once every 2 months. Up until about 6 months ago, my son didn't want anything to do with him unless I was right there. Up until he started school my son didn't know that living with just mom wasn't the norm. I just take it day by day, episode by episode. I have always said that what ever I was doing, I was doing for what is best for my son, and that is the hardest part. No matter what my feelings about his dad were/are, are my feelings not my son's.
One suggestion I can give, which I have followed, I never say anything negative or bad about his dad in front of him. I want my son to form his own opinions.
[Edited 1/3/2008 4:56:07 AM]
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| 1/3/2008 6:07:17 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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lissajo
Saint Paul, MN
age: 33
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Thank you all for your stories and advise. I want to add I do tell my son everything about his dad when he asks. I am very honest with him and keep nothing from him. I have asked my son if he wants to call his dad and talk, but my son always says "no, I want to wait for him to call me" I tell him ok and that it is up to him if he wants to do that. He doesn't ask to many questions and is a very happy kid, So I must be doing something right... lol. He is also an A student and loves school (how lucky am I to have a kid like that) it's too bad his dad doesn't want to share this cool kid with me. Oh did I mention he has another family of his own? Yep... he is married and she is a pill, and he has a little girl about four years old. My son knows about her but has never met her, he wants to though.
I guess what my biggest issue is... Do I call the dad and say... "Call your SON" or do I leave it alone and let it happen if it happens? The man knows he is welcome to come over or call or email. I have never made it hard for him to contact his son. So What do I do?
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| 1/3/2008 7:37:44 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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jules34
Quincy, IL
age: 35
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Wow, we are in almost the same exact situation! My daughter is 8 and has seen her dad only a handful of times and I would love for them to have more contact for her sake. We broke up when I was pregnant and while things are strained between us I have always been civil and he knows he is welcome to call anytime but chooses not to. This Christmas I asked her if she wanted to call him so she did. He's also married now with a family but I am grateful for his wife. She buys the gifts for Christmas and bithday and signs the cards for him but my daughter doesn't realize that. It's so hard to understand why he doesn't show more interest in her because she is an amazing kid also. I think I've decided just to never speak bad of him, let her call him if she wants and just be the best parent I can be. I've also thought about talking to him again but in the past it's gone in on ear and out the other. It sounds like you're doing a great job as a parent!
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| 1/3/2008 9:58:11 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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lissajo
Saint Paul, MN
age: 33
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I'm stuck! I'm frustrated and sad. My son is my first priority and my love life comes last at this point. If I knew I could get this father son relationship going I could feel better about moving on with my own life. Not that I can't but I feel as though I can't because I'm sad about this whole thing. Why would he take his son for a weekend up to the cabin and three Holidays go by with not even a card or a phone call? Who does that? Do you think I should call or email him and ask him if everything is ok, and why have we not heard from him?
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| 1/3/2008 10:43:30 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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mike654321
Saint Paul, MN
age: 43
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im recently divorced and afighting to get more time with my kids the one thing i realized is that no matter how much you want something or if its best for the child theres nothing you can do about changeing the other parents mind they are going to do what they want you can only do what you think is best and by honest with your children they will respect you for that and trust you it sounds like your doing a great job
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| 1/3/2008 11:07:49 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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jules34
Quincy, IL
age: 35
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You could call him to make sure everything is ok but just don't get your hopes up that it will do any good. I've finally come to realize that I can't control anyone else's actions and that's actually kind of a relief. YOU are the important on in your sons life and he is getting his cues from you. If you are happy it will have a positive impact on him. Don't feel guilty for wanting a life. I know it's frustrating but hang in there.
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| 1/3/2008 11:49:58 AM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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lissajo
Saint Paul, MN
age: 33
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Thanks again! I guess I really just needed to hear it from someone other than myself
I keep telling my self to just get over it and do what you do best... Being a good mom for my son... and a good friend to my self. I know I need to let it go and move on. I'm going to try!
Thanks sooo much for all of your comments!
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| 1/3/2008 5:17:04 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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missing_out
Farmersville, TX
age: 27
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Know the feeling all to well. My oldest daughter is soon to be 9 years old, when she was 2 her Dad walked out of our marriage and our daughters life. Never to be seen or heard from again. I have never once said anything bad about her "father", sometimes I think she may remember seeing the violence, as there have been times she asked me when he would hit me and choke me. From time to time she looks in photo albums and ask what happen, why he doesnt love "us" anymore. Theres time I feel I have let her down for him not being in her life, than I think about the "what if's". What if he would have stayed, what if the violence would have continued, what if he would of taken her away from me like he told me. Knowing what I know, what happened in the relationship, I feel deep down that she is better off him not in her life.  Don't be quick to judge, as you don't know what went on in the relationship and how bad things got.
 I waited four years to even think about starting another relationship, I was always focused on being mom/dad. Thought I had met a really great guy, we lived together and I soon seen the secret life he tried to hide. By than it was to late and I was already pregnant, of course he wanted nothing more than for me to have an abortion because he did NOT want a kid and he was NOT going to pay or raise a child. The relationship ended, pregnancy wasnt easy, almost lost the baby. She was born and was 1 month old before he finally decided to come see her for the first time. He has NEVER held his own daughter. He just looked at her for 15 minutes, left and went to the bar, came back 3 months later to see her again for the last time. He denied being the father, didnt want to pay child support and ordered a DNA test done, 99.9% positive he was the father. To this day he still denies her and hasnt seen her, pays $100 a month child support when he wants. July, 2007 he decided to file for full custody in the state of Nebraska, which Nebraska dismissed the case because the child now lives in Texas. She is 5 years old and he has only seen her 2 times, has never called her, has never bought her any gifts. He only filed for custody because he no longer wants to pay child support. She never asks about her "father", when kids in school ask her why she doesnt have one, she tells them she has "Mom" and thats all she needs.
 Anytime there is any father/daughter things going on, it is ME that attends with them. I know every child deserves a "Dad", but you cant make someone be something they dont want to be. All I can do, is be there for my girls and support them in every way possible. In some peoples eyes, this makes me a bad parent because they dont have a fatherly figure in their lives, but so be it. At least there is no longer drugs and violence in their lives either. 
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| 1/3/2008 5:27:02 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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jules34
Quincy, IL
age: 35
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Hey missing. Sounds like it's been a rough road for you. You deserve to be treated well and I hope you find the right guy for you.
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| 1/3/2008 7:23:38 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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allarrimer
Missouri City, TX
age: 30
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my advice-- make sure your son has other male influnces- grandpa, uncle, coaches. let him know that there are men out there who take a real interest in his life. as he gets older he will realize that his father isnt the hero that is pictured in his mind.
you are doing the right thing by not severing the ties. let your son cut them on his own, that way you won't be blamed for keeping him away..
kids are smart. im sure he will see it soon enough.
keep your head up.i know it can be tough
[Edited 1/3/2008 7:23:54 PM]
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| 1/3/2008 7:50:02 PM |
Single Parent... BIG Problem, need advise. |
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hopsteter
Queensland
Australia
age: 45
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Yuppers Allarrimer, I agree whole heartedly...
I've been a single parent for some time... been raising my twin daughters since they were 18 months old... they turn 17 later this month...
I have always encouraged my girls to be in contact with the Mum... unfortunately she decided to live more than 1000km north of us... and being an alcoholic certainly hasn't helped the girls at all...
I had to work in Russia for 3 months [2005] and their stay with their mum... well... ya, they got to see her true colours.
So long as your kids have security and love, this is what they will always remember 
Oh, gidday folks... and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 
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