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5/21/2011 12:44:46 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  

blooh
Fresno, CA
32, joined Mar. 2011


The nights always seem a little long in the chills of November, the sky, an infinite hollow sight of an eerie dark blue and gray. Perhaps, the sight of a moment held still in the expands of the cosmos, abruptly show what nearly lays. The moment couldn’t be any further from the supposed joys of the season; the distant lights conspicuous and repulsing in tastes. The house is but the only one that stands true, the vacant yard, the empty windows and the smokeless fireplace. No decoration has ever hanged form the mount of the house, I think. The chimney stale from the last time it had been on; long smoked residue remains on its sides from the past attempts. And I lay here, cold confused and forgotten. Dueling in my puddle of life I’ve been taken, and surrendered not a twitch, not a scream nor a moan. But as I lay hidden in the shadows of the dark, only the moon saw me die, and a tear from my cheek glows simple, as it slides for the light as I.

Ok, now accepting comments Hit me with what you got?.. lol, I know I'm no writer, but I guess this site is kind of useful too, please, don't tell me about what words I misspelled, or about my grammar, I know I'm not that good, just tell me what you think?.. and do you understand what its about?. I got more, but, I haven't written for ever now.. I guess, the writer in me died lol

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5/23/2011 11:46:01 AM A poem?... Read and find out :D  

dangchristina
Wilmington, DE
26, joined Apr. 2011


The words are fluid, and thoughtful... but if it -is- a poem, it's missing the stanzas. I had to keep going back on bits to see if it rhymed or not which distracted me more than finding a meaning behind the words.

It was okay, in my opinion, but I had to re-read it several times before I got the meaning. Err, I think I got the meaning...

5/23/2011 8:21:56 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  
bored1968
Dallas, GA
49, joined May. 2011


I agree with the above post it was hard to follow, it made me sad. I wrote this a couple yrs ago, it's short but I always liked it
Fate of the Mustang
The gentle souls,
Together as they ran.
Free as the wind,
Beauties broken by man.

No longer free,
Confinement was their fate.
Never again,
To roam without a gate.

What cha think?

6/14/2011 5:17:02 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  
kjgc
Columbia, SC
50, joined Mar. 2011


I liked it. It has a great soul, but I have to agree with the others. It was a little complicated...I'm not sure I 'got it'...but don't let that discourage you. I think with a little editing...it will be great.

6/18/2011 7:39:53 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  

sunflowerseed81
Maysville, NC
27, joined Jun. 2011


Blinded by darkness, Shadowed by light, This is my my mind, In the deepest of night

9/14/2011 4:11:39 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  
lookin4luvnobs
Fresno, CA
27, joined Sep. 2011


Some of u must not know that poems DONT have to rhyme. Maybe some should go back to school? Well i think it was Beautiful! Dark n beautiful

9/15/2011 10:03:26 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  
quiet_moon
Holland, MI
56, joined Feb. 2011


I liked it , overall. But I would change a few gramatical/punctuation errors..and break it down into paragraphes/sentences, your thoughts will flow better and have more impact.

(Like speaking while taking a dramatic pause, or a breath).

10/20/2011 7:56:27 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  
christofer2697
Saint Louis, MO
40, joined Oct. 2011


The nights always seem a little long in the chills of November, the sky, an infinite hollow sight of an eerie dark blue and gray. Perhaps, the sight of a moment held still in the expands of the cosmos, abruptly show what nearly lays. The moment couldn’t be any further from the supposed joys of the season; the distant lights conspicuous and repulsing in tastes. The house is but the only one that stands true, the vacant yard, the empty windows and the smokeless fireplace. No decoration has ever hanged form the mount of the house, I think. The chimney stale from the last time it had been on; long smoked residue remains on its sides from the past attempts. And I lay here, cold confused and forgotten. Dueling in my puddle of life I’ve been taken, and surrendered not a twitch, not a scream nor a moan. But as I lay hidden in the shadows of the dark, only the moon saw me die, and a tear from my cheek glows simple, as it slides for the light as I.

Ok, now accepting comments Hit me with what you got?.. lol, I know I'm no writer, but I guess this site is kind of useful too, please, don't tell me about what words I misspelled, or about my grammar, I know I'm not that good, just tell me what you think?.. and do you understand what its about?. I got more, but, I haven't written for ever now.. I guess, the writer in me died lol



Ok, there's a form of poetry called free verse, and I could see how this would fit in. However, where I think it better suits is in a short story.
It's vividly descriptive, and metaphorically challenging. It sets a somber tone and, as a reader, I can imagine not only a return to an abandoned home, but a metaphorical return to a place in your life that, though you wish you could bring back, just isn't the same. As a piece of a narrative, it could be the brilliant beginning to a wonderful soulful tale.
As far as editing and grammar? Well, write the idea. Get it all down. Then worry about editing and grammar. Computers have spellcheck and many of your friends or compatriots on this site I am sure would gladly offer you some editing advice, man.

In all, be proud of this. It's good!

10/20/2011 7:56:53 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  
christofer2697
Saint Louis, MO
40, joined Oct. 2011


oh, and you ARE a writer. Just sayin.

10/21/2011 7:49:54 PM A poem?... Read and find out :D  

blooh
Fresno, CA
32, joined Mar. 2011


I replied back to what you wrote on my profile, but I hadn't read what you wrote on this.. I really enjoyed your feedback, and you more then understood what I was going for.. Originally it was a start to a story.. One day I would love to write a book, or at least a short tale, but as it progressed I loved the sense of thought and how it narrowed quite quick and gave a short story.. So, I stopped it at that.. I'll post more, and like I said, I'll personally send them to you too






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