Back To Blog Entries

The Move by lovethelake17 at 1/22/2010 2:43:50 PM I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I'm on the last stretch of a hard and long move from the house my husband and I lived in to an apartment. I have about two more loads of things to move out of the house and then I'm done there. And I'm feeling....well, I don't know what I'm feeling, really. On the one hand, I feel this spark of excitement and hope. My daughter and I are moving forward and starting our new life. It's not a life we wanted to have and we were thrust on this path to a new life without warning and without preparation and against our wills. But as we're coming to grips with it, it's beginning to feel OK. Well, better than OK, it feels like finally, we have some control again. It feels as if there is life again for us. And as I unwrap things that were in boxes for over a year waiting for me to put them into our new home and new life in NV, which now only includes my daughter and me, I feel as though the pieces of me that were missing have been found. It's like finding old friends who have been lost to time and distance are now coming home again. It's starting to make me feel whole again. On the other hand, the moving forward and starting a new life without my husband is hard. We've left the house he found for us. We've left the house in which we all lived together with such great hopes for our future. We've left the house in which memories of him were everywhere. We've left the house where my last memory of him there is so very vivid. I want to remember him there in the house, talking with me, smiling at me, loving me. I don't want to remember him in the hospital. Being in that house helped me see him still there with me. I feel as though I'm losing him again piece by piece. As though he's being erased. I know that he's not being erased and that he'll always be with us, in our memories and in our hearts. I don't need to be in a place where he was to be able to feel him with me. But this first step towards a new life without him, and this first physical move away from that old life, is hard. But I came to realize that I was mired in my memories and was stagnant--just waiting for life to begin again. I also realize that leaving the house, and making that move down our new path, is pulling me out of that stagnancy and that life didn't end for us when he died. I also know that we're going to be OK. Even better than OK.

Comments
looking4_prince	1/22/2010 4:12:14 PM I feel your pain,and your excitement too !! Hope your new path is a good one for you...Hugs...
mzladybluz	1/24/2010 11:03:45 AM You said the most important thing, that you're still carrying him in your heart. The next important thing you said is that you are finding pieces of yourself again, and thats something that will continue as you keep moving on....I'm proud for you....Your new life awaits!!!
redinnevada	1/26/2010 1:08:50 AM awee Lake. Moving on from where you feel the connection the strongest is kinda like cutting an umbilical cord. I know. Life has it's own way of telling us what needs to be done, and moving on after losing a loved one takes many avenues. What I noticed the most was gradually, but seemingly suddenly, realizing I could take a DEEP breath again, and it didn't hurt. It felt cleansing. I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best in life while holding the memories close. ps: unpacking sucks. I got through it by having shots of tequila and playing rock music really loud!
lovethelake17	1/26/2010 9:35:05 AM Thank you, all. Each day is a little better...but these boxes! I swear they're multiplying overnight...and it's some evil thing--I empty one box, and two more appear in its place. I'm going to start with the tequila and rock today!
sparklingbeam	1/26/2010 3:55:02 PM Love, sorry for your loss, can't say I know how you feel because until you have walked a lifetime in that person's shoes you can't possibly know how they feel. Just want to say I admire your strength for yourself and you daughter. Sounds to me like the Lord is leading you in wise decisions along a path with new beginnings. Rev 1:8 8 I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty. God is a God of new beginnings. Let Jesus be your husband and He will help you, close the book of the past, and hold true to all the precious memories, for you and your daughter and write a new book full of happy new beginning. Glynda
bigmamano7	1/26/2010 6:18:01 PM Good luck on your new path in life, Vicki
lovethelake17	1/27/2010 1:43:20 AM Glynda and Vicki, thank you. I do feel as if we're being led on this path so I'm kind of excited to see where it takes us.
gritsarebest	1/27/2010 6:14:18 AM I wish you and your daughter the best. I have not walked in your shoes and cannot imagine the pain and heartache you have endured but in my own experiences with bad things in life, God gets you through the pain and heartache and makes good out of the bad...i.e. either you will be able to use the experience to see life in a new way, or he will take you to somewhere even better in your life, or give you opportunities to use the experience to help others. I will pray for you and your daughter as your go through this transition and also pray that he does the same for you that he has for me during difficult times. Hang in there girl.
lovethelake17	1/28/2010 2:12:13 AM Thanks. You're right and I'm relying on God. He's sent me some wonderful friends, and good people, to aid me and listen to me and help me along the way. I could not have gotten through any of this without them. Or without Him.
tommy6594	4/16/2010 9:07:40 PM hey lake, sorry to read about your loss. i see a special lady in some of your posts which i have read. i wish you and your daughter all the best in your new future.
iaminohio	6/19/2010 5:16:16 PM Your husband is in the better world now. Did he tell you to jump into the dating scene, when you'd legally become a widow? This is a common excuse of all the widow/er(s), and you're just one of them. I am not quite sure he'd approve of it if he happened to know you'd be doing internet dating on DH. Of course, there is no way to confirm that, just my thought. Were you faithful to him when he was still alive? A familiar stereotype of a widow or a widower likewise, is that their late spouse was a great person before passing, they got along just great, and now they grieve or pretend to do so, at least for a short time, then proceed to move on. You're no exception. My 2 cents worth. Now go post about it. It's so much like you. Hey, look on the bright side. You have something to talk about, thanks to me. At least try to appreciate it. Take care.
firstlight	6/19/2010 7:11:16 PM Although I have never lost a spouse to death, I feel I can empathize, if only slightly. The memories, hopes and dreams we leave behind are somewhat equal even if we remember, cherish, and grieve them them differently. And as for that whackadoo above me..who the heck is that and why is she so jealous of you that she feels the need to spew venom? Some folks are damaged, aren't they? It's so sad for them but they sure make us half whacked people look good! Keep being you Lake, for yourself, for your daughter, and for the memory of your husband. That's the woman we love.
sherri_	6/19/2010 7:23:16 PM *snurf* She sounds like a jilted lover, no? Like she was infatuated with some fella here who gave her no time cuz he only had eyes for Lake and now she's stuck with Lake's leftovers. Or maybe she's gay and likes Lake's ta-tas. (not that there's anything wrong with that)
newlifeat38	6/19/2010 7:37:36 PM Sure sounds like she is wanting everyone to pay for what "he" did. Lake, you are one of the most wonderful people that I have had the pleasure of getting to know. There is pain in this world. How you choose to deal with it is a true mark of character. Unlike some who apparently have none. And not enough sense to realize it.
bbw47reader	6/19/2010 7:54:29 PM Aw, Lake you have people who love and admire you here. Oh, and one *special* admirer. Haw haw!
utahgal1	6/19/2010 9:19:23 PM Oh, Lake, my heart goes out to you and your sweet daughter! May your future steps get easier as the days go by.