| 2/9/2013 10:57:13 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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I take a break and almost all the humor leaves the building. Lets ramp it up.
Resurrection
A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
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| 2/9/2013 11:10:41 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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gramzshauna01
Ogden, UT
65, joined Sep. 2011
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 We could use a lot more positive fun and laughs on this site. 
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| 2/9/2013 11:17:11 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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tigerclawz59
Ogden, UT
58, joined Feb. 2010
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To all at the pizza party. I was trying to say peppers. I really didnt mean to say peakers. Please forgive me  
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| 2/9/2013 11:24:15 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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Now thats funny!
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| 2/10/2013 12:44:55 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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tigerclawz59
Ogden, UT
58, joined Feb. 2010
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Its been brought to my attention that I mispelled peckers. Sorry its spelled peckers peckers pecker Carry on 
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| 2/10/2013 12:47:32 AM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/10/2013 12:50:03 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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tigerclawz59
Ogden, UT
58, joined Feb. 2010
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Pecker or code for peppers Rick
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| 2/10/2013 2:39:07 AM |
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gingergirl38
Sandy, UT
47, joined Aug. 2010
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Yeah she had me a little concerned how she was flicking those peckers lol... I ment peppers. Not sure what was worse the peckers or the box. Boy the conversation we have in public places
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| 2/10/2013 12:51:40 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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| 2/10/2013 1:03:23 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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| 2/11/2013 11:04:49 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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The Dog Food Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Dog Chow for Socks the wonder dog and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
I'm retired now, with some spare time on my hands. So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
The manager won't let me shop there anymore....
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| 2/11/2013 11:30:19 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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[Edited 2/11/2013 11:31:11 PM ]
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| 2/12/2013 1:53:57 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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shyann29
Riverton, UT
35, joined Jun. 2011
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I love this thread! It's always good to laugh!
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| 2/12/2013 1:09:10 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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girl_who_dreams
West Jordan, UT
53, joined Dec. 2012
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The Dog Food Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Dog Chow for Socks the wonder dog and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
I'm retired now, with some spare time on my hands. So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
That is some funny shit!!
I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
The manager won't let me shop there anymore....
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| 2/12/2013 9:12:02 PM |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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| 2/12/2013 9:19:02 PM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/12/2013 9:25:03 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/12/2013 9:33:13 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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[Edited 2/12/2013 9:33:57 PM ]
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| 2/13/2013 9:43:00 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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UNIQUE MARRIAGE COUNSELING
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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| 2/13/2013 10:19:15 PM |
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ssnowwy
Salt Lake City, UT
51, joined Jul. 2012
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ROFLMAO
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| 2/14/2013 6:41:08 PM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/14/2013 9:51:12 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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Be My Valentine
A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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| 2/14/2013 11:26:33 PM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/15/2013 6:50:35 AM |
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mtnmixer
Ogden, UT
58, joined Mar. 2009
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So last night I reached for the liquid viagara bottle and got the white out instead. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. 
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| 2/15/2013 7:18:54 AM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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So last night I reached for the liquid viagara bottle and got the white out instead. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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| 2/15/2013 3:15:45 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/15/2013 9:28:58 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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OMG, Who defines "sense of humor"
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| 2/15/2013 9:35:23 PM |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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Chocolate Test {...No cheating!!}
Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being.
If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose?
BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD 'n' PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
Ok - Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!!
And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be!
BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.
BUTTERFINGER - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!
HERSHEY - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.
ALMOND JOY - Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.
CLARK BAR - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
GOOD 'n' PLENTY - You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.
ENERGY BAR - Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS - You go to the bathroom often.
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| 2/15/2013 10:03:42 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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[Edited 2/15/2013 10:04:42 PM ]
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| 2/15/2013 11:53:48 PM |
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niceteddybear
Midvale, UT
61, joined Jan. 2012
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Once upon a time there was a little sparrow who hated to fly south for the winter. He dreaded the thought of leaving home so much that he decided to delay the journey until the last possible minute. After bidding a fond farewell to all of his sparrow friends that were leaving, he went back to his nest and stayed for an additional four weeks. Finally the weather turned so bitterly cold that he could delay no longer. As the sparrow took off and started to fly south it began to rain. In a short time ice began to form on his wings. Almost dead from cold and exhaustion, he fell to earth and into a barnyard. As he was breathing what he felt would be his last breath, a horse walked out of the barn and covered the little sparrow with fertilizer (used oats, horse apples, dungs). At first the little sparrow could think of nothing except that this was a terrible way to die. But soon the warm fertilizer began to sink into his feathers and returned life back into his body. He also found that he had room to breathe. Suddenly, the little sparrow was so happy that he began to sing. At that moment a large cat came into the barnyard, and upon hearing the chirping, began to dig into the fertilizer to find out where the sound was coming from. The cat uncovered the bird and ate it...........
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who fertilizes (dumps used oats, horse apples, or dungs) upon you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who takes fertilizer (used oats, horse apples, or dung) off of you is your friend.
3. When you are warm and comfortable, even if you are in fertilizer (used oats, horse apples, dung) up to your eyeballs, keep your darned mouth shut!!!
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| 2/16/2013 3:06:29 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/16/2013 3:10:33 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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[Edited 2/16/2013 3:12:00 AM ]
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| 2/16/2013 2:04:08 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/16/2013 8:41:46 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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Finding your soul mate:
Let’s say the average lifespan is 76 years and you start dating
at 16, giving you 60 years to find your soulmate. If you make
an effort, you might be able to meet two new people a week.
That’s 6,240 people.
Right off, you can eliminate half of them for being the wrong
gender for you. Then you can eliminate half of the remainder
because you are the wrong gender for them. That’s leaves 1,560.
Let’s be generous and say half of all people are attractive.
Out of those, 20% of them are going to think they are too
attractive for you, giving us 624 potential sex partners.
At any given time during 60 years, two-thirds of them are
likely be more than 10 years older or more than 10 years
younger than you are, which is probably too much of difference
to make things work. This makes 208.
The average IQ is 100, so half of them are dumber than that. Do
the math.
Out of these, approximately 10% will not go out with you for
some inexplicable reason when you ask them, or you will try to
play “hard to get” when they ask you and you’ll never hear from
them again.
Once you start dating, getting laid is a coin toss.
After you have sex, you find out half of them are either lousy
in bed, or were just looking to get laid, or both. Leaving you
with 24 people that are still worth a half penny.
Let’s say there are only four religions in the world: Jewish,
Christian, Not Really Christian, and Other. So there is only a
25% chance your potential soulmate will agree with you on the
subject of your soul. If you try to avoid this pitfall by being
an atheist, you would be unacceptable to anyone who was
religious. So we’re left with 6.
Out of these six people, one will either love or hate cats,
another will be a fanatical vegan or eat nothing but pork, be
obsessed with ceramic cows, or make an annoying whistling noise
when they breathe. A fifth will have to run off somewhere,
leaving you with one and only one possible soulmate.
When you meet this person, there is a fifty percent chance
you’ll already be with someone who’s wrong for you. If you’re
available, chances are, they’ll already be with someone else. So...
Stay home. Read a book.
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| 2/17/2013 11:40:34 AM |
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topendstuff
Eden, UT
61, joined May. 2007
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"Out of these, approximately 10% will not go out with you for
some inexplicable reason when you ask them, or you will try to
play “hard to get” when they ask you and you’ll never hear from
them again."
And so the story goes. So grab life the short hairs and understand this.....
This is what I understand and hope for on a noreply to a message. But then I am wondering how many women send out a first message?
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| 2/17/2013 12:49:09 PM |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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?What's stucco?
?What happens when you step in bubblegummo.
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| 2/17/2013 3:16:46 PM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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[Edited 2/17/2013 3:18:44 PM ]
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| 2/17/2013 8:09:39 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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Gross
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| 2/17/2013 8:28:14 PM |
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gingergirl38
Sandy, UT
47, joined Aug. 2010
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| 2/18/2013 9:13:51 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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Redneck Sandals:
[Edited 2/18/2013 9:14:26 AM ]
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| 2/18/2013 1:20:09 PM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/18/2013 8:40:57 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/18/2013 8:44:52 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/18/2013 10:38:03 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/18/2013 10:58:27 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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Kids say the darndest things:
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, " Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" My son shouted very excitedly, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
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| 2/19/2013 1:24:27 AM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/19/2013 9:31:29 PM |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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When The Fight Started
My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
''My God!' says my husband, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started.
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| 2/19/2013 9:33:46 PM |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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MILDRED
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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| 2/19/2013 9:35:33 PM |
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utsw
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2012
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| 2/20/2013 3:24:33 PM |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/20/2013 4:17:43 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/20/2013 5:03:28 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/20/2013 7:40:44 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/20/2013 8:42:06 PM |
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pplsheri
Salt Lake City, UT
53, joined Apr. 2011
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One of my favorites.
Tree Huggin"
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a
tree with his ear firmly pressed against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the
heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK... "So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed
his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry,
car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
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| 2/20/2013 9:23:10 PM |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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This old couple's sitting in their breakfast nook one morning one morning. The lady turns to her husband and says, "Do you remember what we were doing 50 years ago this morning?" "Yes," he replies, "We was eating breakfast in the nude."
"That's right," she says, "Lets do it again and see if we can re-kindle some of those old feelings?" "OK, "he agrees.
Later, as they were eating, she says "Pa. I think it's working. My tits are as warm for you now as they ever were."
"Well, they ought to be," he says. "You got one tit hanging in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal.
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| 2/20/2013 9:28:00 PM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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A man goes into Victoria Secret's to buy his wife a Valentine's day present. "I want something very shear," he asked.
"This is a shear nighty replied the clerk and its $200." "Not shear enough" said the man. "This one is much sheerer, but it costs $300," said the salesperson. "Not shear enough," said the man. "Well, this one is the most shear, and it is $500."
"Perfect, I'll take it."
The man goes home and presents the gift to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it. The wife does, and sees the sales slip which he inadvertently left in the package.
She thinks, $500 for this? I'll wrap it up to return it and keep the $500 for something else, it's so shear, he'll never know the difference. So she takes all her clothes off except for high heels and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "How do you like it?" she asks.
"Great," he answers, "but for $500 bucks you think they would at least iron it."
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| 2/21/2013 12:28:43 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/21/2013 1:18:01 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/21/2013 5:09:40 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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rick0123
Salt Lake City, UT
31, joined Jan. 2012
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| 2/23/2013 10:47:09 AM |
We need more comedy and less .. |
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older_wiser
Orem, UT
63, joined Dec. 2008
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Ever said embarrassing things in public?
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
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