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12/29/2013 8:05:51 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


Folks i shake my head & laugh at every commercial about little pills correcting male erection problems , (E.D.)... when the spokesperson says Call yer dr.( seek medical help) if you have an erection lastig 4 hours or more .......at age 60 & above we men would like at least a half hour .

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12/29/2013 5:28:04 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Quote from elderfisherman:
Folks i shake my head & laugh at every commercial about little pills correcting male erection problems , (E.D.)... when the spokesperson says Call yer dr.( seek medical help) if you have an erection lastig 4 hours or more .......at age 60 & above we men would like at least a half hour .


How about 5 minutes.lol everytime i see that commercial i think,isn't that what lady 5 fingers is for.

12/30/2013 7:11:35 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


Quote from wilbur1935:
How about 5 minutes.lol everytime i see that commercial i think,isn't that what lady 5 fingers is for.
....... difficult to get a grip on life Wilbur ,these days ,much less choke the chicken ...must be Arthritis ????

12/31/2013 11:54:19 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.






I am trying to be an example here! If I post enough clean jokes, maybe some will quit posting dirty jokes!





[Edited 12/31/2013 11:55:28 AM ]

12/31/2013 1:14:59 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


I'll try my best to clean up my postings of "dirty jokes " starting off the New year , how ever i do wish to remind you dear Lady Thespian , that any joke that contains a hint , innuendoes , puns or double entendres are merely "dirty jokes " in disguise , if they relate to nakedness , lascivious behavior, sexual conduct , etc; can be as Smut, with out using the vernacular of our English lexicon.so thus said , please do continue , yer sense of humor is appreciated & enjoyed here.

12/31/2013 1:38:10 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Thank you dear elderfisherman! I do so appreciate that! You are so kind!

12/31/2013 2:05:44 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

"Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."

1/1/2014 9:13:54 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from thespian918:
Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

"Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."
....... Guess he got fooled. That's a goodern.

1/1/2014 1:17:50 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

altje
Over 10,000 Posts!!! (13,706)
Kernersville, NC
77, joined Jun. 2008


Saw this posted on FB: 'They say to dance like no one is watching. I did and someone was watching and thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance!'

1/1/2014 1:55:05 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


Now were perkin, both jokes very funny ...

1/1/2014 2:07:29 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013




1/2/2014 5:56:58 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from altje:
Saw this posted on FB: 'They say to dance like no one is watching. I did and someone was watching and thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance!'
........

1/2/2014 12:06:14 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

mamatoad
Rogers, AR
75, joined May. 2007


A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his
d*ck. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took a
good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply
this on it and then come and see me in a few days."

The man was a bit
relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So
that night before bed he applied the cream.

Sure enough by the morning
the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to
tell him the good news.

He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the
doctor was pleased.

The man asked him what the cream was.

The
doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."

1/2/2014 12:42:00 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


Lipstick , i always wondered what that stuff was good for....? now thanks to Mamatoad i'm informed

1/2/2014 1:09:03 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

newlady2
Over 10,000 Posts!!! (42,595)
Goldsboro, NC
78, joined Apr. 2008


mama , thats a good one *smile*

1/2/2014 3:40:41 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


Quote from newlady2:
mama , thats a good one *smile*
....................that makes 3 of us being naughty ,

1/6/2014 5:35:41 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


The last time i reached for a star i pulled a muscle.

1/6/2014 6:43:53 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


I'm still a pullin .

1/7/2014 6:19:26 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


If you have a whole salad bowl collection that says cool whip on them, you might be a red neck.

1/7/2014 7:18:25 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


If yer girl friend has same last name , you might be a RedNeck .

1/8/2014 6:01:18 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


If you met your wife at a family reunion, you just might be a redneck.

1/8/2014 10:10:58 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


This old Red necks gonna rest now & let you all play till this evening , then the Fish will surface, keep safe & warm .

1/8/2014 11:47:02 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

mamatoad
Rogers, AR
75, joined May. 2007


(this post has been flagged as inappropriate, sorry.)

1/8/2014 12:15:29 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


MamaToad Strikes Again!...

1/8/2014 12:46:50 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Good thing there were no any peanuts on the table.




1/8/2014 12:55:02 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


(this post has been flagged as inappropriate, sorry.)

1/8/2014 6:15:51 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

mamatoad
Rogers, AR
75, joined May. 2007



Just got off the phone with my niece, who lives in Colorado.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high
and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the
north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing
but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard
in.

1/8/2014 6:56:16 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012


PLEASE -- Only Clean Humor -- PLEASE

1/8/2014 7:04:38 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

elderfisherman
Over 2,000 Posts (3,573)
Springfield, MO
84, joined Apr. 2013


Ok Warden ,I wont post here any more , don't want to offend yer principles.sincerely .

1/8/2014 7:18:25 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012




1/8/2014 7:53:19 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Quote from bj_tennesseegal:
PLEASE -- Only Clean Humor -- PLEASE





Thank you! I agree!

1/9/2014 1:53:08 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


One night a burglar broke into a house. While he was looking around he herd a voice behind him say, "be careful Jesus is watching you". The burglar froze in his track, to scared to move.

Finally the burglar turns around and shines his flash light around the room. There in the corner he see a parrot, did you say that to me, the burglar asks the parrot? Yes replied the parrot,

I was trying to warn you. The burglar laughs and asks the parrot , what's your name? The parrot answers Moses. Moses? laughs the burglar, what kind of an idiot would name their parrot Moses ? I don't know answers the parrot, perhaps the same kind of idiot that would name their 150 lb Rottweiler Jesus.

1/9/2014 5:53:10 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he didn't have any body to go with.




1/9/2014 6:04:26 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

xxjayxx45
El Campo, TX
72, joined May. 2011


On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."


Written just below it: "I do not."

1/9/2014 8:51:14 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Quote from xxjayxx45:
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."


Written just below it: "I do not."


good one


1/9/2014 9:40:27 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012




1/10/2014 1:25:46 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Confucious say "Man who takes shower,all washed up".

1/10/2014 7:31:47 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

1/11/2014 5:11:35 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from thespian918:
A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"


1/11/2014 3:33:30 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokers and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...



(You'll love this...)



(I know you will...)




"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

1/11/2014 5:03:19 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

mamatoad
Rogers, AR
75, joined May. 2007


Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."


Ante how are ya a doin'? Was Santa good to ya? I would ask Fish, but Santa knows all about him, lol.....



[Edited 1/11/2014 5:05:21 PM ]

1/11/2014 6:29:39 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012


PLEASE must be CLEAN HUMOR -

1/11/2014 9:19:07 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Quote from bj_tennesseegal:
PLEASE must be CLEAN HUMOR -



I guess they can't read, so I block them!


A Sure Bet

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

1/12/2014 7:40:50 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Stupid Signs




Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

1/12/2014 8:04:23 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Learn a lesson from your dog.No matter what life brings you,kick some grass over the crap and move on.

1/13/2014 1:40:06 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012


THIS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU-BUT JUST IN CASE


To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.


Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!

1/13/2014 5:49:17 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from bj_tennesseegal:
THIS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU-BUT JUST IN CASE


To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.


Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!
......Sad, but true. We worked all our lives to help make this country what it is, now we are just a burden. Us old farts have outlived our usefulness. Sad, but true.

1/14/2014 12:35:10 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012


Because of the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those of us in Tennessee will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.

We ask that you now refer to us as SOUTHERN MOUNTAIN-AMERICANS .

Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.

1/14/2014 9:14:59 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Get Thee Behind Me




A little boy always went next door to play even though his mom had warned him against doing so. This worried his mom so badly that she asked him why he was so disobedient.

He replied that Satan tempted him so bad and he did not know what to do.

His mom then advised him to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he was tempted. She then built a fence around the house.

This worked for a week, then one sunny afternoon his mom looked out the window and there was her son playing on the neighbors lawn having cut a hole in the fence.

"Jeremiah", she yelled, "come here!" She then said "did I not tell you to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he tempted you?"

"Yes", the boy replied, "I said, 'get behind me Satan', then he went behind me and pushed me through the hole in the fence."

1/15/2014 5:28:01 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from thespian918:
Get Thee Behind Me




A little boy always went next door to play even though his mom had warned him against doing so. This worried his mom so badly that she asked him why he was so disobedient.

He replied that Satan tempted him so bad and he did not know what to do.

His mom then advised him to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he was tempted. She then built a fence around the house.

This worked for a week, then one sunny afternoon his mom looked out the window and there was her son playing on the neighbors lawn having cut a hole in the fence.

"Jeremiah", she yelled, "come here!" She then said "did I not tell you to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he tempted you?"

"Yes", the boy replied, "I said, 'get behind me Satan', then he went behind me and pushed me through the hole in the fence."
.............

1/15/2014 1:00:08 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

wilbur1935
Over 7,500 Posts!! (9,680)
Latrobe, PA
83, joined Apr. 2009


Pat and mike were out playing when pat noticed mike had a big cookie.Where did you get that pat asked?
The woman in the corner house asked me if i was a good catholic and i said yes,and she gave me a cookie.
Pat headed for the corner house and knocked on the door.The woman answered and asked if he was a good catholic.
Oh yes he said my father is a priest and my mother is a nun.

1/16/2014 6:16:30 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from wilbur1935:
Pat and mike were out playing when pat noticed mike had a big cookie.Where did you get that pat asked?
The woman in the corner house asked me if i was a good catholic and i said yes,and she gave me a cookie.
Pat headed for the corner house and knocked on the door.The woman answered and asked if he was a good catholic.
Oh yes he said my father is a priest and my mother is a nun.
.......

1/16/2014 2:37:32 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  
bj_tennesseegal
Columbia, TN
79, joined Dec. 2012




1/16/2014 2:49:45 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from bj_tennesseegal:
..............

1/18/2014 12:04:24 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


I Never Go To Church




I never go to church," boasted a wandering member. "Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?"

"Yes, I have noticed that," said the pastor.

"Well, the reason I don't go is because there are so many hypocrites there."

"Oh, don't let that keep you away," replied the pastor with a smile. "There's always room for one more."

1/19/2014 6:55:08 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


Wake Up Call

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

1/20/2014 6:01:21 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from thespian918:
Wake Up Call

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."
..............

1/21/2014 11:22:25 AM Humor For Today | Page 2  

thespian918
Over 1,000 Posts (1,501)
Hominy, OK
79, joined Nov. 2013


The Deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

1/21/2014 2:54:48 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

manureman
Over 7,500 Posts!! (7,886)
Bluefield, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008


Quote from thespian918:
The Deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
...... Good one.

1/21/2014 3:36:15 PM Humor For Today | Page 2  

dododoc
Cooper, TX
86, joined Mar. 2013


There comes a time when it is better to change the colostmy bag than the dvd on tv.