| 1/2/2014 12:02:45 AM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
This is a touchy subject but I've seen people on here still "grieving" after 4-5,6+ years. I don't buy it. My feeling are these types are looking for pity in their posts. Sure we all miss ours late spouses at times but we aren't still devastated by it still. Especially men. I have seen some on here still boohooing after 5,6,7 years. Nah, just looking for attention on the forum.
I still miss my wife at times even after nearly 15 years but my life has gone on and I am living life happily.
What are your thoughts on this. I would imagine the opinions will differ between men and women.
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
|
| 1/2/2014 2:44:07 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
I kind of curious about if there'll be any gender difference, myself.
I realize that everybody grieves their own way at their own pace, but I also realize that some people find comfort and safety in grieving and may prolong it because it's the familiar. I always think of Miss Havisham in the book Great Expectations. She was left at the altar and forever after lives in her wedding dress and won't allow the wedding feast to be removed. She stops all the clocks to read the time she was left. She lives for decades more, and nurses her pain. She does other things, too, like plot revenge, but the point is that her life stopped and she, alone, keeps it stopped, because she only wants to live in that particular moment--the moment her life as she knew it ended.
I miss my husband. I miss him every day. Our daughter and I talk about him all the time. First, because she asks, second, because I don't want her memories of him to fade, and third, because I want her to know about the man he was.
But we've also moved forward in our lives. I could not have forced her to remain in the past, anymore than I could have forced myself to. It's no honor to him to have done so.
|
| 1/2/2014 4:31:21 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
newdirection6
Wellsville, OH
63, joined Nov. 2007
|
I have gone out with 2 men who lost their wife. One guy his wife has been gone 6 years he still not ready to move forward. The other guy lost his wife 3 years ago and he still cry for her. I hold him in my arms and till him it will get better. He hasn't called since this past summer. Yes I miss my John at times, I sure could used him this past week because my mom died. I am ready to move on with life for a good while.
|
| 1/2/2014 5:02:19 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
Good stuff. Still want to see what some of the men say also.
|
| 1/2/2014 6:48:22 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
If there are gender differences, I wonder if it might be because of the traditional "men don't show emotions" thing, while woman are allowed expressions of emotion. Or maybe more than the expressing of, but the permission for women to discuss things and talk them through. I'm not sure men get to use that outlet as readily as do women.
Or maybe it's nothing to do with that, but like what you originally said. Discussing it can get you attention. At some point, discussion should help you through it. If it isn't, is it because you don't want it to because then everything ends and you have to move along?
|
| 1/2/2014 7:20:13 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
I think you're correct Lake. Not talking it over or refusing to talk it over keeps you in that zone to stay in the poor poor me zone.
|
| 1/6/2014 1:17:27 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
jrupp0604
Stoughton, MA
68, joined May. 2011
|
You have to be a very strong person to go on with your life. Find some friends to laugh with, and spend time with family. 
|
| 1/6/2014 9:58:26 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
Oh yeah, life goes on and family, generally speaking, helps a bunch. At the same time you have to learn who you are and get good in your own skin. We either want to live life or we want to sink in our own misery. Choices. We can't go on grieving forever and make ourselves miserable and everyone around us shy away from us. It's like, "It's her/him again. It's been years."
|
| 1/8/2014 2:49:20 AM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
mr_imperfect
Melrose Park, IL
55, joined Sep. 2011
|
This is a touchy subject but I've seen people on here still "grieving" after 4-5,6+ years. I don't buy it. My feeling are these types are looking for pity in their posts. Sure we all miss ours late spouses at times but we aren't still devastated by it still. Especially men. I have seen some on here still boohooing after 5,6,7 years. Nah, just looking for attention on the forum.
I still miss my wife at times even after nearly 15 years but my life has gone on and I am living life happily.
What are your thoughts on this. I would imagine the opinions will differ between men and women.
Good for you that you were able to move on with your life. Not everyone is you. It would serve you well to remember that and not pass judgment on those who were unable to move past losing the one they loved.
Do I disagree with you that SOME!!! are looking for nothing more than a pity party? Absolutely not. However there are some who for whatever reason just can't seem to get past their loved one being gone. Instead of looking down your nose at them and making assumptions how about trying to get to know them and try to understand why it is that they are still struggling with their grief after all that time.
|
| 1/8/2014 2:28:57 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
sharonipa
Coos Bay, OR
72, joined Mar. 2011
|
This is a touchy subject but I've seen people on here still "grieving" after 4-5,6+ years. I don't buy it. My feeling are these types are looking for pity in their posts. Sure we all miss ours late spouses at times but we aren't still devastated by it still. Especially men. I have seen some on here still boohooing after 5,6,7 years. Nah, just looking for attention on the forum.
I still miss my wife at times even after nearly 15 years but my life has gone on and I am living life happily.
What are your thoughts on this. I would imagine the opinions will differ between men and women.
It's not that simple gdaddy. Remember, everyone is different, and our circumstances are different as well. What you call "just looking for attention" may be a person who is alone and has no family, friends, or support. Maybe they are just reaching out, hoping to find that there is someone out there who cares about how they feel. Or maybe they are just reaching out, hoping for some little bit of advice that will help them feel better.
Some have watched their spouse just slowly slip away, while others have watched their spouse suffer horribly.
Some, besides losing the person they love, were devastated financially and lost everything they had, including their home and transportation. Some are young...some are old..some are strong, and some are not so strong (emotionally).
As for me, it's been seven years now since my husband died. I'm strong emotionally, and I didn't suffer much financially,and I do have the support of my children, but I can tell you that my whole life was turned upside down. I understand that many find themselves in a situation far worse than mine, and if there is any word, or advice that I can give them, that might help ease their pain just a little bit...well, that's what we're all here for isn't it. We're not here to be-little others, but rather to share our pain, and help if we can...and maybe get a little help in the process 
I'm glad that your life is on track and you're happy. That is what we all hope for.
|
| 1/8/2014 5:02:00 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
I guess I see what Gdaddy is saying is that after several years, the pain is as fresh as the day it happened. It's unrelenting for them, and you do start to wonder if the person him or herself is holding on to pain as a sort of talisman or something.
Who can live that way? Sure there will be days when the pain is revisited fresh, but not everyday and not all the time. You have to start digging yourself out of it.
So I do think that some do it because it gives them the attention they feel is lacking otherwise. If you cannot ever see past your pain, how do you see your way forward?
|
| 1/8/2014 6:31:38 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
newdirection6
Wellsville, OH
63, joined Nov. 2007
|
Here is a good question.... How do you when you are faced with grief so close. My mom died on the 29th of Dec. here at my home. Then it brings up so many memories of the past deaths.
|
| 1/9/2014 1:27:19 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
hawkapache
Boise, ID
59, joined Mar. 2008
|
This is a good question, and one I will give you my perspective on. My wife was killed by a drunk driver in 1996. It was devastating because I was in Kuwait awaiting for her and my wife and daughters arrival when I was given orders to return to the United States.
I knew in my heart something terrible had happened. It was on Christmas morning. So this has been hard on my daughters for years and years, and my younger daughter still grieves for her mama. As for me, there are times I think about what we had, and what the future holds for me.
I have moved on, but it took me a few years to be able to be with another woman. It hurt badly because we had an arranged marriage when I was very young, and for 31 years we were a couple and mother and father. When that was taken away it put a hole in my heart. I went to counseling and through it all, I have lived through this and even though I still hold a place in my heart for her, I give another woman a chance to be herself and to me. I don't compare other women to my deceased wife, and it wouldn't be fair. To each their own, and their own hearts.
But there again thank you for the question. It was a good one.....
[Edited 1/9/2014 1:28:36 PM ]
|
| 1/9/2014 5:04:09 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
Here is a good question.... How do you when you are faced with grief so close. My mom died on the 29th of Dec. here at my home. Then it brings up so many memories of the past deaths.
Very recent. Sorry to hear that.
|
| 1/9/2014 5:07:18 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
When children lose their loved ones it's really hard. Especially if they lose a parent. This would be a whole different matter. I can see how that goes on for a long long time.
|
| 1/10/2014 8:54:01 AM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
heart_and_soul2
Sarasota, FL
59, joined Dec. 2013
|
I believe we all have different life experiences and different relationships with our late spouses. I know for me, I figured out in the first year, I could feel sorry for myself, or truly try to build a new life. The key, for me, was finding who "I" was - without him by my side. In the beginning, it was a few steps forward and then a few steps backwards. In reality, it is time that makes us heal. I can remember counting the days, weeks, months and they seemed to go by so slowly in the first year. Now, time is back to flying by as it did when he was alive.
It took me two years to begin to feel normal again. Having said that, there are certain days that will make me feel down, and reflect on what we were together. In a few days, it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary--so yes, I have been reflecting on what would have been. Is this a pity party? I say no, it is normal. We had 36 years together, how could one possibly forget all those wonderful years together.
And Gdaddy--I don't think men are looking for attention when they come on this forum. I believe men have a harder time talking to others about their loss. It is easier for them to write down their feelings and have strangers respond to those feelings. Women tend to be able to express their feelings and cry easier than men. So, maybe women have it easier moving forward with life after a loss.
|
| 3/6/2014 1:58:22 PM |
Is it a pity party or true grieving? |
|
older_rh_sc
Rock Hill, SC
55, joined Dec. 2012
|
Lost wife 1/22/14....wellive been going out (dinner/movies) but found nothing serious. But I'm not really looking. Just what to hang out with some people. So I don't know the time limit for grieving, but I believe it's what together did you have before that makes it so hard. If you did everything and your world revolved totally around each other. Then yes that whole be very hard to get over.
|