| 7/13/2014 3:21:35 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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want2meet4real
Tacoma, WA
41, joined Jun. 2014
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Hi I'm John,I lost my wife to cancer after a 3yr battle.
First let me say what a great group (I have been lurking here for some time reading old post.) Somewhat afraid to join, because now this group and posts here will now appear on my profile. Hence my question;
I feel that many women out there will just pass over a widower feeling that's "baggage" that they think will be a neg to a possible relationship.
Anyone agree with this logic? Anyone want to explain to me why I'm wrong about this?
I'm not having any luck finding the next love of my life.
Btw; I do Not consider a loving marriage that lasted till death did us part (15yrs) to be "baggage" but a life experience. It will always be part of me. But in the past and I Am ready to move on.
I'm not handling lonely very well. Any advice?
Oh and I joined the group, Let me extend my sincere deepest sympathy and condolences to all those here that lost their other half (don't knock the term other half) I mean the one in your life that made the 2 of you ONE.)
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
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| 7/13/2014 9:12:54 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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barb61270
De Witt, IA
64, joined Nov. 2011
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Welcome John,
It is true; people find all sorts of reasons to pass someone by. My deceased husband was a divorcee when i married him. Lots of baggage came with. The comments I read is that most people are afraid of being compared to the decease spouse. They say they feel like they are to replace the partner instead of being themselves. I have lots of advice which is probably only good for me. Your current journey is yours. Live it to the best you can. I work at living my life in the present one day at a time. Wishing you a wonderful adventure. Peace and hugs. 
p.s. Lonely I have not a clue how to deal with lonely. i talk to myself and work at enjoying what and where I am now.
[Edited 7/13/2014 9:14:22 AM ]
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| 7/13/2014 1:58:45 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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I have found that to be true, too. People who have only experienced the end of a relationship as something acrimonious and anger-filled can have a problem with understanding a relationship that did not end that way. So they start thinking that still loving someone who is no longer here means that the "ghost" never leaves, we're never "over it", and they'll have to "compete."
Maybe that happens for one or two, but not for all.
They also can't get past that they have "baggage" so that must mean that everyone has baggage and they'd rather deal with the baggage they know.
You won't convince them otherwise, so you learn not to bother with them.
Fortunately, not all feel that way.
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| 7/13/2014 4:36:57 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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want2meet4real
Tacoma, WA
41, joined Jun. 2014
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Thanks so much Lake, You are one of the posters that attracted me to this group. I find your posts here to be insightful and uplifting for most.
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| 7/13/2014 8:38:02 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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evalorr
Plymouth, MA
62, joined Jun. 2014
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Hi I'm Eva and I lost the love of my life almost a year ago. We met on a dating site10 years ago. We found out he had stage 4 lung cancer in June2012. We got married that November and he was gone before we had a chance to celebrate our first anniversary. I'm having a hard time turning the page to the next chapter in my life and am hoping to make some new friends on here.
Thanks for listening.
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| 7/15/2014 12:14:34 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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sensuousnsassy
Republic, MO
43, joined Jun. 2014
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Hello John,
Welcome to the group. First, let me say, I'd prefer to date a widowed gentleman because they understand the loss more and how I am feeling.
My marriage was a great one and like you, I don't consider it baggage. I can see though, how a new man could see that as daunting. I'm not broken, fragile or living in the past.
I'm truly ready to date and connect again. Yes, it's different now that 22 years has passed since I was dating, but I'm not the same either. I'm stronger, more independent and a lot more open. I'm too old to hem haw around.
I wish you much luck and blessings John. 
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| 7/15/2014 1:48:02 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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Thanks so much Lake, You are one of the posters that attracted me to this group. I find your posts here to be insightful and uplifting for most.
Thank you, how very kind of you to say this. (I gotta find a blushing emoticon!)
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| 7/15/2014 7:12:48 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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want2meet4real
Tacoma, WA
41, joined Jun. 2014
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Thank you Sasy, I wish you the best of luck as well.
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| 7/16/2014 2:52:52 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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xx_omatic
Amery, WI
66, joined Jun. 2014
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Hi I'm Brian,I lost my wife car accident, i painful things in life is to see the one you love the most slip from your very own hands...
am not the type who write long easy talk much . its took me a long time to decide to join this very group. First let me say what a great group this is .. All the same I feel that many women out there will pass over a widower feeling that's "luggage" that they think will be a neg to a possible relationship.
I sometimes ask my self why should something sort happen in times of happiness .. i guess many people in here have experience real love and wished their loves once never passed out .. is sometimes ask God why ?
Life is sweet when you finally live a good life with your soul mate .. Its not easy to marry to a sweet person for 20 yrs of happiness and to loose the other . i pray it never happen again ...
Let me extend my sincere deepest sympathy and condolences to all those here that lost their other half . Because i understand how it feel to loose some one so special .. and to those who never met their special ones ., i pray God give you your soul mate in due time .. Keep on praying
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| 7/16/2014 3:43:06 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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Welcome all
Yes we are a nice group. Join in on the posts.
We don't bite 
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| 7/24/2014 8:20:03 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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oldlady4oldman
Tacoma, WA
98, joined Jun. 2012
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Actually, i seek a widower as i consider that to be someone who is more likely to keep their word, be more able to do the things necessary to PRESERVE a relationship rather than bailing out on a marriage at the first sign that a good marriage takes work, compromise, consideration and patience.
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| 7/26/2014 11:52:34 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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peachy1954
Sacramento, CA
63, joined Oct. 2010
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Hi I'm John,I lost my wife to cancer after a 3yr battle.
First let me say what a great group (I have been lurking here for some time reading old post.) Somewhat afraid to join, because now this group and posts here will now appear on my profile. Hence my question;
I feel that many women out there will just pass over a widower feeling that's "baggage" that they think will be a neg to a possible relationship.
Anyone agree with this logic? Anyone want to explain to me why I'm wrong about this?
I'm not having any luck finding the next love of my life.
Btw; I do Not consider a loving marriage that lasted till death did us part (15yrs) to be "baggage" but a life experience. It will always be part of me. But in the past and I Am ready to move on.
I'm not handling lonely very well. Any advice?
Oh and I joined the group, Let me extend my sincere deepest sympathy and condolences to all those here that lost their other half (don't knock the term other half) I mean the one in your life that made the 2 of you ONE.)
I think it depends on the person and where they are at in their grief process. And who they are as a person.
Sometimes labeling yourself as a widow, especially as a younger one, does tend to scare a lot of people away. They don't know what to say, or better yet what Not to say, so they shy away.
From a woman's standpoint I can say trying to date a guy who is widowed can sometimes be tougher than dating someone who chose to be divorced because often it is standing in some kind of sacred shadow. And while divorced or widowed men alike do try to cookie cutter the next person into their existing life sometimes the widow will have very selective view/memory of the departed even when evidence abounds that it wasn't all roses. (Granted there are good marriages out there but I highly suspect no "perfect" ones. And I don't want to be picked because I am a good facsimile of someone who is dead but rather because I am me. Sadly sometimes the only requirement being that you are female which is something like pounding a square peg into a round hole and if you have had that painful experience you are not eager to repeat it. If I go in a guys home and it is still clearly a shrine to the departed spouse I just ease away quietly. If it has been a while and it seems he has found his own system how to run his life then yea I will date him.
I think to avoid being seen as the widow with baggage you need to just hold off saying much about it. Yea it is tough to date and not mention "Ex's living or dead because they are part of your life but letting the newer person in your life find some foundation with you and only you is helpful. Takes a little editing of vocabulary from our to my but the reality is now it is yours and eventually if you want someone in your life it will be theirs so maybe moving out some "sacred cows" is advisable. Just saying you are looking for the "next" love of your life kind pinches because most of us want to "BE" the love of your life. Talking about what you miss is often heard as living in/for the past. Sometimes changing up traditions and groups to "single friendly" is needed. If every where I go to hang out with a guy is his late/or ex wife's territory I am not being judged for myself but for how I fill her shoes.
Sorry I have not mastered "Lonely" so I substitute just trying to stay busy. Sometimes I find fixing the things I can at least soothing even if not corrective.
The one thing I do see as probably something I would warn to avoid is not get too comfortable with being single too long because it can get to be habitual and the motivation to change being alone wains. Also I think people get used to you being single and assume you like it. Or that you are good at it even though you really are not.
As a widow I was always shocked when someone said "oh I thought you were married" so maybe I am not that obvious about being single when I think it is???
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| 8/13/2014 10:52:02 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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want2meet4real
Tacoma, WA
41, joined Jun. 2014
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Thanks to all those who added to this conversation, I've been off here for awhile cause I'm just having (No luck) So many well thought out (I'm interested,intro, let's chat, meet)messages sent out with no replies Starting to think there are no women here really looking for a relationship. To the above poster, I do not want to get comfortable with "lonely" I'm not made that way. And I am ready to move on, desperately(though try not to show it)SEEKING THE NEXT/LAST LOVE OF MY LIFE. and mean it.
Still looking, ever hopeful.
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| 8/14/2014 11:44:28 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
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How long has your wife been gone? Please don't rush things. It's always good to get to the point that you ARE good with being by yourself. Then you are truly free. I fought the "being alone thing" for a couple of years then I gave up and just let things happen naturally. I found that I actually like my space. It's all good.
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| 8/22/2014 2:24:05 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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sensuousnsassy
Republic, MO
43, joined Jun. 2014
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Thanks to all those who added to this conversation, I've been off here for awhile cause I'm just having (No luck) So many well thought out (I'm interested,intro, let's chat, meet)messages sent out with no replies Starting to think there are no women here really looking for a relationship.
I too, take a deep breath and send out short "Hello's" etcs. I honestly don't find any men that want a relationship either. It's always, a "friend w/ benefits", a "one night stand", "booty call". I'm almost embarrassed to say that I feel my values are "old" and "out if date" so to speak.
I want to date, go out and enjoy being out of the house. Nothing extravagant, but fun and relaxed. I don't understand the whole concept of dating now days.
Some men I've gotten close too and decided I want to get to know, all say things I want to hear, but I find if I hold out for a bit they all turn out the same. Its a virtual buffett. Always looking for someone better than the one they are talking to at present. It hurts... I try hard not to just give in to the needs and wants...
Dating is hard now days...
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| 9/7/2014 9:28:11 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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trueredhead61
Timberville, VA
55, joined Jun. 2013
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Everyone has some kind of baggage. I've been widowed for 12 years this coming Friday. my sweet hubby died at age 40 from tongue cancer and gave it one heck of a fight. I haven't had much luck with men; I always seem to fall for them and they are letting their past with other women not letting them commit. After losing my hubby I cherish the little things and looks at things differently than most woman and just wanna be happy. Watching someone you love die takes a big hunk out of you soul and you just look at things differently cause you know that life can change in a split second. all the men that I've dated always tell me "it's not you, it's me" --they tell me I do everything right. I keep looking and hopefully Lord willing I will find someone who will finally feel the same about me. not giving up . Good luck and hang in there.
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| 10/15/2014 12:33:00 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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marlotho
Slippery Rock, PA
61, joined Aug. 2012
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Hey Sassy I left you a message on the topic of Am I the only one.
you have to just get out there. I know I said if one more man tells me I am still healing I was going to hit him over the head with a frying pan.
Divorced people have more baggage than widows. Try reading some of the other topics on here they are very helpful. Beware of scammers.
On my profile I have that I don't expect anyone to be like my late husband. But don't expect me to forget and not talk about 33 years of my life.
Profile is invisible right now, I met some one.
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| 10/16/2014 9:34:35 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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marlotho
Slippery Rock, PA
61, joined Aug. 2012
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We do not have baggage we know what it is like to love and be loved that is what they call baggage they have never experienced those feelings. Too many people on here don't want a relationship because they are already in love with themselves. The new guy I'm with says that I'm different from the other women. I don't want any thing but love. THAT is what makes us different. this guy says all the right things hoping he is different than the others, I am getting tired of being let down.
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| 10/18/2014 7:03:34 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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rainydaze26
Columbus, OH
52, joined Nov. 2013
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Till death due us part, is about the best baggage someone can carry...in my opinion. Comparing others to that person is where problems may occur. Being open to new emotions is the challenge we face...everyone gets lonely.
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| 10/19/2014 8:33:38 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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urealysucklol
San Benito, TX
45, joined Jul. 2014
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Wassup b*tches 
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| 10/20/2014 12:05:35 AM |
New to this group and have a question |
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myrealme
Nampa, ID
42, joined Aug. 2013
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 ^^
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| 10/20/2014 8:32:51 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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billyyt1234
Dearborn, MI
45, joined Sep. 2014
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Hi John...it's true sometimes... I'm only 43 but my wife and I were together for 24 years. I've been on a couple dates from this site and had fun...unfortunately the dates that I met were not what I was looking for. But I've talked to a lot of wonderful women on this site and all of them were very nice and actually asked questions after we had talked for a while and the best way to handle dating again is to be open and answer honesty. If they have any doubts after that it's not that bad ... just that they weren't meant for you anyway.... Hang in there and don't let yourself be lonely.. go out and live... that's what you're wife would probably want you to do
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| 11/3/2014 2:53:10 PM |
New to this group and have a question |
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derfholl
Cleveland, OH
59, joined Apr. 2011
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My condolences to everyone who was blessed with the "Opportunity",
to experience the end of life with someone you Loved.
On 9-10-11, I lost my Wife to a 10 year fight withbreast cancer. This after A 26 year Marrage.
I don't know if the tag "widower" comes with baggage, however, everyone experience one or the other, This is fact. I think that those
who feel that Widowers are burdens, are in "inmature denial or incapable of empathy (sociopathic disorder).
My final advise to you, is to don't label yourself with any term that
YOU feel negatively prejudges you.
When I speak of my Wife, I passionately talk about how powerful
and enlightening the experience was.
Dispite the sadness.
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