| 9/22/2008 8:20:37 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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satinsky2
Charlotte, NC
age: 59
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Having friends is very important in these situations, as you know. I deal with people in my neighborhood often regarding these things. They show up at my house looking for advice or intervention...i gladly do both.
My EX was diagnosed with Bi-polar and being psychotic. She initially went through treatment and then stopped...the result...convicted of conspiracy to grand theft, forged instrument and assaulting a Sheriff and State Trooper...final result...3 1/2 years in prison, loss of nursing license and her children. Her case was extreme as, i know others with bipolar and their lives are relatively normal. So, although she had this, she chose not to care enough of herself. It was more her diagnosis with being psychotic that destroyed everything.
I sure Know how you feel. He was bipolar wouldn't take medicine and alcoholic. He was also psychotic. I couldn't believe the things he did toward me once we were separated! He has done a lot of criminal acts that he was never caught for, but I hope he will be caught someday and be put in prison, so he can't hurt anyone anymore. I am finally healed though, because I do not care anything about him anymore and he can no longer hurt me or my son. The best to you.
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| 9/22/2008 8:44:56 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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barbaraajo
Reston, VA
age: 52
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I find my faith in God and the support of family and friends helps me through hard times.
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| 9/22/2008 10:45:16 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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madrcat
Freeport, IL
age: 51 online now!
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It's never fun. You're doing a good thing and putting your feelings in a thread like this. Try to keep it out of other threadss, as it can really tarnish some of who you are; profile wise.
Yeah- I put up with 12 years of abuse too. I even funded her way thru college with the understanding that it was over after she graduated. It was over all right, the day after I told her I was going to the lawyers office to file, she slapped a restraining order on me to get me out of the house. Oh well, my life is so much better and more positive now. I'm still fighting to get my son out of there as he calls me daily when she doesn't confiscate his cell phone. Soon, very soon.
If you're looking for a good book to help more with the coping of divorce in general, try this book: Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford. It's on Amazon and she really helps a person to see and turn around all the negatives that you feel, into positives. I know that in an abusive divorce, this is hard to do, but the book helps. -MC
[Edited 9/22/2008 10:47:13 PM]
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| 9/23/2008 7:33:30 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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blueshand
Syracuse, NY
age: 57
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I sure Know how you feel. He was bipolar wouldn't take medicine and alcoholic. He was also psychotic. I couldn't believe the things he did toward me once we were separated! He has done a lot of criminal acts that he was never caught for, but I hope he will be caught someday and be put in prison, so he can't hurt anyone anymore. I am finally healed though, because I do not care anything about him anymore and he can no longer hurt me or my son. The best to you.
Your meeting the challenge and disolving everything was your best course of action. Mine went on for 15 tears and, resulting in her trying to kill me 2 or 3 times. Two for sure. Once while walking up behind me with a 10" butcher knife and the other time she tried to poison me wsome cleaning chemicals in my dinner.
I deal with those things well and wound up raising 3 wonderful children. I don't look back at it with horror...i am much to bound with my spirit to wallow in the nire. Yes, is does take a little time. As for her, she decided to rent a place on my street; that is after i moved my children 75 miles away. She is doing better on her meds and will be getting her nursing license back next year. Yet, she is not allowed to see her children without me there...not the law but, certainly my law.
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| 9/23/2008 7:36:39 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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blueshand
Syracuse, NY
age: 57
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I find my faith in God and the support of family and friends helps me through hard times.
That is exactly what i found to be true also. I spend every morning outside feeling him within me. It has inspired me in my healing and all my other asperations and endeavors. Family is so important in these matters. I didn't have that luxury but, worked through it until i was prepared to go. That meant leaving a beautiful 13 room victorian, on 20 acres and everything in it. It was worth what i gained...my spirit and my children. They became my focus along with my music, writings and artwork. And now it is time for me to focus on someone to spend my life with and for.
[Edited 9/23/2008 8:03:27 PM]
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| 9/23/2008 11:57:25 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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not_looking
Sacramento, CA
age: 49
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First thing is to get out. That can be harder than you think.
Then you can work on healing. For me expressive arts worked.
I highly recommend it.
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| 9/24/2008 11:00:30 AM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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pichick712
Brookhaven, PA
age: 50
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Learn to forgive your abuser and move on. To dwell on the pain and let it control your life is unhealthy all the way around. YOu don't ever have to forget, but you have to forgive and let go of the anger.
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| 9/27/2008 6:52:35 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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layla22
Peoria, IL
age: 54
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i have been a domestic violence counselor, and one of the tip offs for what may become a domestic violence situation is a the presence of a very CONTROLLING or DOMINATING dynamic in one party's ego structure.
their ego usually has many deficiencies to start with, and they need the assurance of being in control---to try to maintain this inadequate ego or feelings of competence sexually.
the abuser's control tactics may be both direct and indirect in methodology.
the abuser is a very manipulative personality, and can present a charming and seemingly calm and stable face to others outside the relationship.
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| 9/27/2008 6:56:19 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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pichick712
Brookhaven, PA
age: 50
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Once I let go of the anger, things got much better. I will never forget the abuse and sometimes have to force myself to not let if affect my future choices, but I let go of the anger because if I stayed angry at him, he still have control over me and I was not going to allow him to control me anymore.
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| 9/27/2008 7:06:57 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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msbevzie
Oregon, OH
age: 45 online now!
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i have been a domestic violence counselor, and one of the tip offs for what may become a domestic violence situation is a the presence of a very CONTROLLING or DOMINATING dynamic in one party's ego structure.
their ego usually has many deficiencies to start with, and they need the assurance of being in control---to try to maintain this inadequate ego or feelings of competence sexually.
the abuser's control tactics may be both direct and indirect in methodology.
the abuser is a very manipulative personality, and can present a charming and seemingly calm and stable face to others outside the relationship.
The last part of what you said is so true he was the most loving and kind person to everyone on the outside but to me talk about controlling, and of course there isn't anything wrong with them, its always the other persons fault. Along with these fine qualities mine is an alcoholic, and in the military also. All I can do is thank him today for giving me divorce papers, BUT sadly enough with his "PrinceCharming" act he is already onto the next one, makes me sad...
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| 9/27/2008 10:56:29 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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followurbliss
Barkhamsted, CT
age: 35
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Personally, First and foremost I had to admit that I was in an abusive relationship. Then I had to make a decision in my own best interest. I chose to leave that relationship(and others). I reached out to the Susan B Anthony project for the emotional support I desperately needed. I attended a support group called HEART. Help End Abusive Relationship Tendencies. There I was able to recognise that I had some work to do on my perception of my relationship with my mentally ill mother. This enlightenment propelled my healing to a degree I never expected. -Bliss
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| 9/28/2008 9:04:02 AM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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blueshand
Syracuse, NY
age: 57
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i have been a domestic violence counselor, and one of the tip offs for what may become a domestic violence situation is a the presence of a very CONTROLLING or DOMINATING dynamic in one party's ego structure.
their ego usually has many deficiencies to start with, and they need the assurance of being in control---to try to maintain this inadequate ego or feelings of competence sexually.
the abuser's control tactics may be both direct and indirect in methodology.
the abuser is a very manipulative personality, and can present a charming and seemingly calm and stable face to others outside the relationship.
I my situation there were other factors that determined why she evolved to the point of attempted murder. The elements, already in place were..that her mother also had the same disorder. After some years of marriage she advanced in her disorder and nearly became her mother. By that i mean she became increasingly violent. Her mother had attempted to burn the house down while everyone was asleep and stalked her EX-husband.
My EX, pretty much followed her mother's reasoning. Her diagnosis was Bipolar with psycotic tendencies. That was a very good diagnosis. As you point out there were traits
which included attempts at dominating everyone around her, includeding her father and other relatives. I didn't play that game and had her institutionalized.
[Edited 9/28/2008 9:05:15 AM]
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| 9/28/2008 9:21:31 AM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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blueshand
Syracuse, NY
age: 57
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The last part of what you said is so true he was the most loving and kind person to everyone on the outside but to me talk about controlling, and of course there isn't anything wrong with them, its always the other persons fault. Along with these fine qualities mine is an alcoholic, and in the military also. All I can do is thank him today for giving me divorce papers, BUT sadly enough with his "PrinceCharming" act he is already onto the next one, makes me sad...
It is sad, my Ex has already found someone. I spoke with him after a few months and, he confided in me about their relationship. I asked him to bring her over to my place and
discussed their situation with them. She had managed to dominate this man to the point that when he tried to leave her she destoyed nearly everything he had and, was in control of his money....no way to leave her. I suggested that she start taking her medication again and, that if they wern't happy together then, it was time to allow themselves the opportunity to do so. I spoke with them on a few other occasions and, found that they were working on their differences and that, she went back on her meds.
From past experience i cannot see how it will last because, the damage to the relationship was devastating to him and i don't see him getting over the intense drama.
He just informed me a few days ago that he was moving and that they were still friends.
At least she didn't try assaulting him again.
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| 9/28/2008 10:05:10 AM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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garnetlady
Cincinnati, OH
age: 48
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i have been a domestic violence counselor, and one of the tip offs for what may become a domestic violence situation is a the presence of a very CONTROLLING or DOMINATING dynamic in one party's ego structure.
their ego usually has many deficiencies to start with, and they need the assurance of being in control---to try to maintain this inadequate ego or feelings of competence sexually.
the abuser's control tactics may be both direct and indirect in methodology.
the abuser is a very manipulative personality, and can present a charming and seemingly calm and stable face to others outside the relationship.
AMEN to that last statement.
How do we heal and move on?
I find healing in talking about the abuse. I hold the abuser accountable for the abuse but I blame no one but myself for staying. I chose to stay and try to fix my marriage in hopes of obtaining my dream of a loving and lasting union. I use to hide though because of the shame felt for the way my life was. My ex was bi polar/personality disorder and chose to do nothing in the way of 'help' because he saw himself as normal, the world had the problem. As long as a person holds onto the hate and hurt, the abuser still has control. I refuse to allow mine to have control any longer, the reason I talk about it. I have nothing to hide and it is his shame, not mine. I certainly do not make another pay for the past, my opinion of a potential partner is based on themself and how they treat me and others. The past will always be a part of me and hopefully I've learned from it, but I will not live in the past or repeat it.
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| 9/28/2008 12:08:47 PM |
Abusive Relationships and healing |
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blueshand
Syracuse, NY
age: 57
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Personally, First and foremost I had to admit that I was in an abusive relationship. Then I had to make a decision in my own best interest. I chose to leave that relationship(and others). I reached out to the Susan B Anthony project for the emotional support I desperately needed. I attended a support group called HEART. Help End Abusive Relationship Tendencies. There I was able to recognise that I had some work to do on my perception of my relationship with my mentally ill mother. This enlightenment propelled my healing to a degree I never expected. -Bliss
It is so nice to listen to stories of recovery. It encourages those trapped in such relationships to take that step towards healing. The Susan B. Anthony project appears to be a place where healing can be realized and embraced. Thank you for sharing your journey.
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