For the Women in General,Help!

12/14/2008 5:11:15 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
crabberman Wilmington, DE age: 51	I used to date a woman last year and one time while we were out for dinner I replied to someone as a "big" woman.I meant no harm in any way,it was just an observation.But I didnt know that she had been struggling with her weight for a long time and her ex husband used to call her names and say she was fat and ugly,which she was neither to me.We seemed to just fall apart after that and even stopped talking.I found out later of course she wanted to see another man from her past,but also about her past weight and husband issues from someone else that we both know.I felt very bad about it,I know I have delt with weight problems myself,but I am not a very insecure person.We patched things up thru the past year..I have apoligized to her for that and we have remained as freinds.We will not date again of course..but freinds is ok with me.But a few weeks ago we were talking on the phone about something,and I said the "big" word again.I quickly switched to another topic,not knowing if I hurt her feelings again,or if I was going to have to go see my foot dr again to get my foot out of my mouth.We usually talk maybe once or twice a month,its been almost a month now,I wonder if its happened again? So I guess what I am saying is...is refering to someone as "big" a bad thing.I certainly do not want to hurt anyones feelings.Dont some woman refer to themselves as a BBW?...help me out here.... [Edited 12/14/2008 5:30:20 AM]
12/14/2008 5:30:24 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
nyguitar77 Watertown, NY age: 31	She sounds overly sensitive. Anyone who freaks out over a word like that has issues. I used to be fat when I was a kid, and my parents constantly remind me of it when I eat something not-so-healthy. I don't freak out about it, I just say, "Yeah, I'm no fatty anymore though!", and we all laugh about it.
12/14/2008 5:36:47 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
dare2dream100 Springfield, MO age: 45	Somestimes a person refers to themselves in a way that they would be offended if someone else referred to them the same way. Kind of a I'll say it before they do and it makes it OK. Sounds to me like she lost the weight, but needs to deal with her confindence issues. I personally am not always politically correct, but if someone gets upset when I say something with no malicious intent, I will apologize and if they can't accept that then it's their bad. If you weren't being offensive and mean, then it sounds like she needs to get over it! It doesn't sound like she's much of a friend if you have to watch what you say that closely. Friends can say anything to each other!! JMO
12/14/2008 5:57:56 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
melissa82 Denver, NC age: 26	just think of it this way, some women can be as selfconcious about there weight as men can be over there members ya know what im saying.
12/14/2008 6:41:47 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
clarity101 Aurora, CO age: 57	oh boy! you may have opened a can of worms here...lol let me just say to start...i am a bbw. i am not afraid/ashamed to admit that and i am what i am. fortunately, for me and my health i have lost a bunch of weight. 6 years ago i was almost 300lbs. i lost over 100lbs but it is a constant struggle for me. i will never be a skinny minnie. i am not super sensitive about it but there are some really rude and crude people in this world. there is one dude(cant call him a gentlman cuz he is not) who called me 'lardass'. in this world of political correctness...it is still ok to ridicule fat people. perhaps your friend is a bit overly sensitive and/or insecure. if she is anything like me, her weight fluctuates and if there is even a chance that you or anyone judges others by their size then yes that would be a red flag to me. i would not get involved with someone who is critical of fat/large/overweight people. but, i would not get involved with someone who 'prefers' brunettes, or tall women, or women with BIG tits, or little tits, or women with tattoos or piercings or not, or smokers or not...we all have preferences. if a man states on his profile his preference is a tall, fit, nonsmoking, brunette...i would not apply for the position. you may not have intended harm when you referred to another woman as "big" but in my eyes you were making a negative judgement about that woman, that perhaps because she is big means she is less...less attractive, less of a woman, as if size has anything to do with her character. i wish i was not overweight and i will continue to fight the battle...for me not for a man. i am a good person, not perfect. i am a woman of good character, with a few flaws. i have alot to offer a good man. those are the things i would prefer to be judged by. just a side note: if your friend felt that her ears or nose was too big and you had said something about someone elses nose or ears, you probly would have gotten a similar reaction. perhaps if you had referred to the woman as a BBW(more of a positive statement) you might have gotten a more positive reaction. BBW's and men who love them UNITE! thats a misnomer for me cuz i really dont want to get emails from all the guys who like fat girls. my experience with those guys...they like to f**k 'em but would never be caught dead in public with 'em. [Edited 12/14/2008 6:49:31 AM]
12/14/2008 6:46:42 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
mskitty57 Tucson, AZ age: 58	crabber..she's not doing herself any favors by being this way..she seems to be running her friends off.
12/14/2008 6:52:03 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
amanda_jeanette Pigeon Forge, TN age: 23	There many women who have had serious issues with being called names in the past; high school, college, relationships, childhood, etc. For example, I had a girl in my sorority who was heavy, quiet, but an overall nice girl. We would have meetings and she would be the one with her head always down, sitting in the corner of the room. Well, any time one of us girls sad the word fat, big, etc. she would jerk her head up really fast and look around to see if we were talking about her. Well, I sat down and had a talk to her about her obvious insecurity. She gave me the story behind it and I completely understood her fear of being judged by a group of girls the she had come to trust and love. You have to understand that some men and women did not have the ideal childhood or life prior to meeting you. You may never know the story behind it. It is part of life. However, you don't need to walk on eggshells, but just be a little more considerate. Instead of changing the subject or pretending it never happened, just apologize and be honest. Say I am working on it. That is what I had to do. Good Luck.
12/14/2008 6:54:41 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
katytxlady Slidell, LA age: 47	Crabber....I'd like to acknowledge that I'm probably considered a BBW. Have lost lots of weight over past 2 years and am now 35 lbs over goal weight. First time I've been "average" in long time. But to answer your question, us BBW's know that we aren't tiny women. Do we like hearing other people say it? Probably not. Best to keep certain words out of vocabulary until you hear how she refers to herself. Most BBW's are "tender" around that issue. But some are gloriously comfortable in themselves by recognizing that more skin does not compose of their total make up. If she has a sense of humor, and a foot in the real world, hearing "Big Girl" shouldn't have been a relationship ender. There's lots of fat bashers in this world, and most of us have heard something that is painful. Trust issues are huge for us. And yes, some of us have even had mates say to us "you should be lucky I'm willing to fck you..". Harsh words for any person to hear. To my lovely BBW sisters, change what you can and embrace what you can not. Love thyself before reaching out and asking a man to love you. Remember, everybody does not have to be physically attracted to you. Even chubbies can prefer to date smaller women. Don't bash them either! PS Crab..haven't see you around till lately, and I enjoy reading your posts!
12/14/2008 6:55:55 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
sharolas Elk Grove Village, IL age: 38	Sounds like she is a little self conscience about her weight. If you were just talking about the word big and you did not direct it towards her, than she was jumping to conclusions. Give it time.
12/14/2008 6:57:47 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
passionatekisss Sebastian, FL age: 38	When I was a child, my dad had a bumber sticker on his car- you know the big circle with a slash going thru it that said "no fat chicks allowed" well, he ended up marrying a woman who loved him so much, she was well over 300lbs and she was so beautiful and a real jewel. She always reminded him of the bumper sticker..(they were also childhood sweethearts).. He ended up dying in her arms at the hospital where the nurse said he was waiting for her to get there before closing his eyes.. When she got there, she got in bed with him and laid him on her chest with his back to her, and held him and said, it's ok honey, you go on home now, it's ok.. with that, he closed his eyes. He also used to tell me, "honey, your not fat, your just fluffy".. well at the time I was like dadddddddddddddddddddd, lol... now when I look back, I remember him telling me too there's a country song called "she dont know she is beautiful" he used to sing that to me.. Anyways, when I hear fat jokes or the like, I always remember these stories..
12/14/2008 7:05:05 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
katytxlady Slidell, LA age: 47	Brava to your father passionatekiss. And I bet he raised lovely daughter(s) who cherished themselves. Wow...to only meet a man like that.
12/14/2008 7:08:23 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
magtag East York, ON age: 42 online now!	I think it's a really tough call being in your position. Referring to someone as "big" or overweight when describing them would be a natural thing to do if that person is in fact that size. I can see how it could be used as a descriptive without malice or intention of harm. Now if you were saying "hey, check her out she's fat!" or something along those lines, that would be insulting and may cause concern that you were judgemental or even plain mean. I think the lady in question is certainly oversensitive and needs to do some work on herself to make peace with what her ex used to say to her. It's obviously been drilled into her head and thus she is very sensitive to it. I can understand completely how the words could be hurtful to her. However, she is not going to be able to go through life and never hear a big person referred to as big. People are going to say it to describe others and 90% of the time it will just be a descriptive, not an insult. That's something she is going to have to learn to accept, but will take time and she will have to want to learn it and get over that insecurity. As another poster said, I think the best you can do is tell her you're working on it when in contact with her. Maybe have a conversation with her letting her know that the word "big" does not have to be a negative thing, just a descriptive like tall, short, blonde, brunette, black or white and that you have concern for how she's perceiving the word as it is obviously bringing her pain. I don't think it's going to be a comfortable friendship for either of you if you have to walk on eggshells and you shouldn't have to. This is an issue for her to deal with when she's ready to do so. In the meantime I think all you can do is be understanding and do your best, but don't take it all on your shoulders.
12/14/2008 7:23:04 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
crabberman Wilmington, DE age: 51	Thanks everyone for the comments...lots of good thoughts and points for sure.I certainly wasnt making a negative comment when I said it...it would be no different then me describing a man.I do think she is very sensative on that.But I knew that...and still let it slip out.Oh well..she will have to get over it if she still wants to be a freind..or at least talk about it. Thanks Katy....I have been here for over a year...this is my 2nd profile I have used.I deleted my old one in a state of rage....lol...
12/14/2008 7:31:12 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
zeanah Clarion, PA age: 49	Crabber...I admire your sensitivity towards your friend and trying to amend her hurt feelings. I would feel and do the same thing as you did. We all say things time to time without realizing it hurt the other person. I have tasted my foot dirt here and there and felt really bad about it. When I know what my friends buttons are, then I just avoid that subject it as best I can.Their friendship is worth it to me to be sensitive to their feelings. I am a bigger woman and no, it does not bother me. It is all in how it is said by the other person. If I am with someone that makes fun of bigger people, then it is a reflection of what they think of me. It also tells me they have no scrupples and probably not someone I'd want to be with. There is a big difference between making a statement in describing someone, than bashing and making fun of others. I'd never date a man, who I saw on a forum who is always making fun of and bashing women for whatever reason.Sure we all joke from time to time, but the ones who make it their usual way of conversation and insult without regard to others all the time, then I would not want to be around them. I am sure men feel the same way about some women who say nasty things on a regular basis. You Crabber...are one of the good guys! Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you tried your best and that's all you can do. "Z" [Edited 12/14/2008 7:31:57 AM]
12/14/2008 7:49:19 AM	For the Women in General,Help!
lnlass Laguna Niguel, CA age: 51	I am 15 lbs over the high end of my normal BMI. Therefore, if someone describes me as "big", I suppose it is their perogative. But when I personally think of a BBM or BBW I am thinking obese, which I am not. I would describe myself as the profile indicates, a few extra pounds. A little pudgy but no obese. So I guess depending on how big this woman was she may have had an issue with that word. If the guy was my friend I would look past it if I think we just had different connotations of the word "big." But, if a man described me that way as big to connote obesity, I would be angry. If she is not really obese, you may want to use a different word.

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