| 12/27/2007 6:47:03 PM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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ayoung50
Rochester, NY
age: 50
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Not for nothing John, but I was trying to be positive.
You want something negative?- What makes you think that your negativity doesn't promote what you say you don't want.
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| 12/27/2007 6:48:30 PM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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professer2
Saint Petersburg, FL
age: 52 online now!
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Yes,
and it makes me a smarter man today
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| 12/27/2007 8:26:45 PM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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young50
I wish to apologize for my remarks. I reread what you wrote and realized that you were not being negative. I was still reeling from a couple of earlier negative remarks and I was hasty. The fault is mine. I do appreciate your comments even though I earlier misunderstood them. Please forgive me.
John
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| 12/28/2007 12:25:58 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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gracec
Colton, CA
age: 58
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I feel this is an important subject for dating and/or any relationship. My abuse led me down many scary and unhealthy paths in life. I always wondered what was wrong with me, never connnecting it to my abuse. As a woman, it manifested in my life in a myriad of behaviors. Drank, used drugs, promiscuity, sexual anorexia, this impending sense of doom and a deep sense of fear always walked with me. I missed alot of life and happy living because I did not take the time to just STOP, and deal with the abuse. Abuse produced a sense of shame. Not guilt but shame. What is it they say...guilt is I DID something wrong, shame is I AM wrong. The doubt was so undermining for me. It led me to overachieve to the point of hurting myself and expecting those around me to perform to my unhealthy expectations. I could not just BE who I really was, so I layered myself in roles that only hurt me more and more and more into adulthhood. I got to a point where I was so tired of feeling like I was never enough that I bottomed out and sought help. Or should I say called out for help to my "Source". I became open and willing to do whatever I needed to do to heal and I KNEW I did not have the answers. I did this in a myriad of ways. It started out with therapy. That led me to getting clean and sober so that I wasn't masking any pain. Then I began to fall apart so that I could fall together in a new and healthier way. I looked at my past and I took stock of my life in the present. What was 6 mos to a year out of my life when it would affect the rest of my life. I compared the two and with a therapist and trusted friends decided how it affected me, the red flags and how I could handle my own actions better in the future. I began the forgiveness process by doing ALOT of anger and rage work. Just getting pissed off and getting the anger and rage OUT OF ME, consciously with the intent of healing and not wallowing. I put new suggestions on behavior into action and kept honing those behaviors till the present day. My past and remembering what happened keeps me wanting to stay healthier. Went to workshops, never really did church but I visited about 15 churchs to come to the ultimate decision that I preferred 'spirituality" and not as much "religion". Today, I work at being conscious of my negative self talk, who I am attracting into my life, outcomes in my life because if I am low spirited that old stuff can slip back in. It impacted my whole life and that is why I maintain a daily watch today. I wouldn't say I am hypervigilant. The work I did in the beginning and maintenance work has totally changed my onetime daily inner turmoil and despair to inner peace most days. I trust my gut. I tend to believe from my behavior changes that my relationships have gotten better as I get better and am ABLE to see them for what they truly are. There are always those days I can feel like crapola! I know this post was long. I appreciate you listening.This has been my path, others have their own. 
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| 12/28/2007 7:06:43 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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This email was sent to me on my private email. I have his permission to post it here. He was struggling with posting it on the thread because as a man there tends to be even more shame because as men we are supposed to be strong and heroic. Sometimes, we have doubts, fears and insecurities, its just that most of the time, it is not okay for us to share them.
I want to express my heartfelt thanks to all who have posted on here. You never know when it will serve as a catalyst for someone to reach out for help. I have already received a private email from one of the posters on here that a mother reached out to her to seek help for her daughter. We can do really good work on here together if we can just keep the bashers out.
Please help me to keep this thread going and invite others to join.
John
From: drummrboy
Sent: 12/27/2007 4:06:50 PM
Subject: Abuse
Writerman57,
I can definately relate to what you posted. I too grew up with an alcoholic, and extremely abusive dad. And my mom just didn't have the strength to stop him. He almost killed me a few times. Now flash forward a few lifetimes. My dad past away three years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and miss him a helluva lot. I know what you're thinking! What are you, nuts! No, quite the opposite. About twelve years ago, my dad was living in a basement apartment with no toilet, no shower, no refrig, absolutely nothing but an old bed. The guy who let him stay there would treat him like dirt. The point is, something happened to change my dad from the way he was when I was younger, to the way he was the last twelve years of his life. My guess, someone(s) gave to him, what he gave to his family. At some point he realized how bad he had screwed up his life, as well as ours. He did everything he could to please us, or help us in any way. He did the same for complete strangers as well. There comes a point where you learn how to forgive, but never foreget. And hopefully, you will learn to grow as a human being and treat others the way you would like to be treated. Me, I have never physically harmed a woman in my life. But I have hurt a few emotionally. I finally, finally, realized that. Now, the women in my life I treat a heck of alot better than ever. And I can tell that they know that by the way they respond to me. It's a pretty good feeling inside. I'm sure that you will find the inner strength and peace to carry you forward and onto happiness. Good luck, and I'll keep a good thought for you.
[Edited 12/28/2007 7:12:54 AM]
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| 12/28/2007 7:18:12 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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professer2
Saint Petersburg, FL
age: 52 online now!
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I have started a thread on this subject
in the groups area,
click on "Suggest New Groups"
and look for the one on Substance use,
I would appreciate your review and comments.
[Edited 12/28/2007 7:23:30 AM]
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| 12/28/2007 7:31:32 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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Professor:
I have checked out the thread and it is a good one on substance abuse. Most of you can relate to trying to kill your inner pain from the abuse by using alcohol, drugs or sexual promiscuity trying to deaden the pain that just won't go away.
The answer is that you need to purge the poison and often it takes some counseling or coaching to help you come to the realization that it is not your fault, that you are not worthless and that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can truly be healed and have a healthy relationship.
Again I state my willingness to work with you offline, just drop me an email and we can chat.
John
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| 12/28/2007 7:32:19 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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professer2
Saint Petersburg, FL
age: 52 online now!
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Thank you John.
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| 12/28/2007 7:39:18 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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I am just so thrilled that we can come together to do good work and help one another and share, and isn't wonderful to do it minus the bashers. Can I suggest that if we are invaded by a basher that eveyone of you post to that person how inappropriate that they are and also send it to their private email. The bashers need to be stopped. We can do it we band together.
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| 12/28/2007 7:16:42 PM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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I have been emailed by some women who have told me that their abuse is so horrific that they will never recover. I know the desolation of being that beaten down. This is why I started this thread, there are a lot of hurting people out there. There is truly help out there and you can recover to have a happy life and even fiind new love.
They also told me that they did not want to post on-line which is okay, but you never know when your story will resonate and that they would reach out to you for help. I have already had one of the posters on this thread tell me that a woman reached out to her for help with her daughter.
i am available to talk off-line and am anxious to help.
John
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| 12/29/2007 8:13:54 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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nashoba_miko
Bethany, OK
age: 38
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Many times I had thought I HAD recovered....only to find myself in a situation that reminds me of it/them and I get so stressed out and nauseated that I have to leave immediately or go ballistic. Have gone to counceling....refuse to relive it so I quit. So I keep it inside hoping one day the fears it has instilled in me will pretty much be dealable. I'm sure its not the right approach, but its all that I feel I can do. In one instance, I forgave him on his deathbed...more for myself than him....but I never forgot and have become neurotic over my daughter because of it. Just recently I thought I was over other issues and go on, and then when the time came and I had to face if I was ready for a relationship...I thought no problem......I was SO Wrong and have been beating myself up mentally trying to figure out why I cant be normal. So after these past few weeks, I have decided to be extrememly careful what I say to others so not to hurt them. I just want to go back to laughing and playing and not dealing with the inner issues and refuse to get serious. I'm tired of crying and hurting others and feeling like a misfit. I'm not ready...I wanna be...but I cant. Have gone thru so many different abuses....I completely avoid people who I think will even REMOTELY be like one of them. I feel safer behind my wall. It had started to come down, felt pain....put that puppy back up again. For my own sanity and the best interest of my children...I cant go there again. Sometimes you live day to day, others its minute to minute...if its good....its week to week. I do what I have to do. So, friends is what I'm here for...it helps the dark times and gives more happy moments and memories. Who couldnt use that??
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| 12/29/2007 9:06:46 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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luvinlifetothem
Biddeford, ME
age: 41
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Counseling, removing toxic people from my environment, refusing to let myself repeat patterns, (i.e., dating the same type of men, cold, emotionally distant, drinkers ect.)
Unfortunately, my 13 year marriage blew up because of his back surgery and his subsequent addiction to painkillers. There are NO guarantees. But I can refuse to repeat the patterns. Oh, and again, more counseling...
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| 12/29/2007 10:24:47 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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This was sent to me in my private email, and I have permission to include it on her behalf.
weaimtoplease
age: 58
online now! 12/28/2007 4:21:43 PM
Subject: Abuse
Message: I spent 25 1/2 years married to an alcoholic. l could be the poster girl for mental, emotional and physical abuse. Will I ever forget any of it? Probably not. Will I trust someone completely again in my lifetime? Probably Not. Will I ever believe that someone can love me? Probably Not. Will I ever know why I didn't get out and stay out? Probably Not. Will I ever be able to love someone unconditionally? Probably Not. Will I manage to regain my self esteem? Probably Not
This kind of abuse scars you for life.
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| 12/29/2007 10:28:45 AM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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Ms. Miko:
I understand what you are going through. I can tell you that what you are going through is what is called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is a form of "conditioned response". Fortunately these thiings are curable and fixable.
Most probably you are also going through some self loathing and "negative self talk" this is also fixable.
For all on here, I am available to chat and help. I have also been through the ringer of abuse. I had a cruel sadistic father who just enjoyed inflicting pain. I lived through horrendous beatings for 16 years. I recovered and you can too. You need to see light at the end of the tunnel and realize that with work, you can overcome it.
Peace to all
John
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| 12/29/2007 2:11:44 PM |
How have you recovered from abuse in your past? |
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writerman57
Jacksonville, FL
age: 57
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I truly appreciate you ladies willing to post on here. I hope that you feel that it was worthwhile for you to do and it helps to know that we are not alone. There are a lot of us who grew up with abuse kept secret.
I was not fully descriptive of my abuse. In addition, I was sexually abused by a priest who was supposed to be "counseling me" after I ran away from home and the abuse when I was fourteen. I don't mean to at all diminish a woman being sexually abused, but at least I think that if it were someone of the opposite sex, it would make it more tolerable than being sexually abused by someone of the opposite sex when you are not gay. It is an extremely shameful thing to have to admit. I was so hurting emotionally from the abuse and did not know nurturing in my own home, this guy was being very nice to me and nurturing and took advantage of my extreme vulnerability. At 14 I was all hormones all of the time and was glad to get some sexual release because at that age in the early 60's girls were just not willing to cooperate. It took me a longer time to recover from the sexual abuse than it did the physical abuse.
Because abused kids often grow up to marry abusive spouses because that is what they think is normal, I went through two horrific marriages where I was constantly verbally abused and put down and called every name in the book. It took me going back to college, majoring in psych and went on to grad school for clinical psych to be able to fully get a handle on it.
My heart truly goes out to all of you and again bless you for sharing. You never know who you might help in the process
John
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