You forgive me and I'll forgive you

1/13/2008 10:36:32 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
r_bogdewic Ellsworth, PA age: 30	I am writing this post as a form of an online journal, in hopes to get community responses and assistance, and lessons to teach as well. Change is hard for a lot of people. I know, I’m one of them, but I have made changes in my life for the better (either noticeable or unnoticeable). Looking back on the last 5 years of my life, for example, proves to me that I have made the changes in my life that I needed to make. I don’t know however, if some aspects in my life are as easily as changeable. Relationship issues of mine are becoming easier for me to handle, but there is still that one factor I need to change for myself before I can offer anyone a successful relationship; the fact of holding on with desperation, after a relationship takes a dose of negativity is the change I need to make. It does not benefit my cause to bring up the past of relationship issues, but for the sake of this post, it need be explained, and nothing more than example measures. Note: When I mention relationships, it does necessarily mean romantic relationships, instead, all relationships. E.g. friends, family, colleagues, etc. Looking back on my life, as far back as I can remember, I have survived a lot. I was adopted at 3 yrs old from my household of which were the first 3 years of my life of developmental stages. I was placed in another family who were totally different than my personality. For those who do not understand the traumatic effect an adoption can have on a toddler, use this analogy. Imagine if your child, at 3 years old, was suddenly ripped from your household, and thrown into a different family without no rhyme or reason why. Now imagine that you are not allowed to have any kind of contact with your child what so ever and you’re just expected to just adapt to this change. Think about how your life will be greatly affected and the relationship issues of trust, intimacy, affection, compassion, and self protection barriers affected as well. Well, this is where I’m at in my life right now. I’m finding ways to change my life for me. Does this sound selfish? Absolutely not, rather self-caring. I have had my share of ups and downs with all relationships in my life. I have had a lot of fights with my parents (adoptive parents), friends, colleagues in the work force, strangers, and a lot more. I have also had a lot of disappointments, and successes too. I have come along way in my life (looking back on just the past 5 years alone). At the end of my marriage, I was not an abusive husband, rather a neglectful one. I neglected to take on the responsibility to communicate thoroughly to my wife (when her needs were not met). Yes, this was when I was selfish, but I do realize now that it was a stage in development in my life that I just wasn’t ready to handle. I know it’s sad and unfortunate, because there are 2 beautiful baby girls who are affected by this everyday. Two years after our split up, I started to date another woman. Problem here was (as in all my relationship issues) that I jumped too fast into this relationship. We stayed together for 2 and a half years, leaving me thinking that this was a great relationship, even to the point where my children were involved as well, and they were just starting to become happy again. I was so “in love” with this woman that I allowed her to walk all over me and my children, to the point I allowed her to leave the relationship 3 times and come back into my open arms (not noticing the effect it had on me and my children). There were a lot more relationships issues I had, with friends, collogues at work, etc. that are too lengthy to write, but just add to the cause, of self development. Most of them were before my marriage, some in-between my marriage and ex girlfriend, and a little now in the present. Now I look back on my life, and thank God for the experiences that I have had. I still hear that 3 yr. old toddler praying inside me to make things better 27 years ago, and I thank God that he has given me the life he has given me. The child inside is satisfied with the accomplishments I have made in my life, and what “we” survived through together. I am a better person for what I have accomplished and survived through. As the old saying goes, “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger”. How true! Now I know there are only a few things I need to tweak up in my life. The major issue I’m having is still holding onto hope after ANY relationship goes sour. I am truly the pig, when it comes to the analogy of the hen and pig. “The pig and the hen are both compatible in making bacon and eggs but while the hen is involved, only the pig is committed”. Do you understand what that means? It means that I get myself involved with relationships (and truly sacrifice myself) to where I’m the one who is committed to the relationship, and my wife, girlfriend, and then another significant other is only going through the motions. This is a part of my life that I’m having the most trouble with. I want to change this. I don’t want to be the pig no more, rather a simple other half of a successful relationship; where we ALL can be happy (the woman I’m involved with, my children, her children ‘if they are relevant’ and most importantly, myself) Any assistance would be greatly and widely appreciated. Thank you.
1/13/2008 11:25:22 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
r_bogdewic Ellsworth, PA age: 30	Interesting. No one wants to reply...
1/13/2008 11:43:24 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
lorlie Eugene, OR age: 51	hey there buddy, don't sell yourself short. Looks like you took a long hard look in the mirror, we all have had to do that. You are on the right track. Be true to yourself first. You are not a pig, think only the good things about yourself, because you are a child of God, and no matter what there will come a day when you will find true love. Learning from the past will always make you a better person. It is those who don't learn that have trouble. You are there, on the right track. Keep going, be happy, and for the sake of God, Live Live Live, cuz you only Live once. Being happy is a frame of mind, once I found that I love my life. cheers to you, and for your success.
1/13/2008 11:45:27 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
r_bogdewic Ellsworth, PA age: 30	....wow.....thank you
1/13/2008 11:54:40 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
spiritwonder Lions Head, ON age: 59	Patience my friend. Basically you said it yourself. Communication. The first dialog we need is to ourselves. What do we want? Get real clear on that....spend a day, a week, a month if you have to on what you want a relationship to be, regardless of mate, friends, family etc....define each one as clearly as possible. Then as you reach out to the other half of the relationship, you can start determining if your desires are being met and will have the opportunity to "weed the garden" if I may, to narrow the field. Wanting a relationship with someone is only valid if they want one with you. As Dr. Phil says, the value of a relationship is determined by each party's ability to satisfy the needs of the other. If you enter into a relationship without knowing what the other party''s needs are, how then are you to fulfill them. On the other hand, if you do not know what yours are, how does one expect to have them satisfied? In a mate relationship which we all desire to go well, we don't ask what the needs are and in many cases, don't get clear on what ours are. It is in the communication before committment that we decipher those needs and do our ticky checky list to find ensure we are on the right path. Read your list, commit it to memory. Those things you want fulfilled will appear along with the ones you don't want. You then have decided before rather than after who to choose and gets to have a wonderful relationship with you. Too often we see the flower and ignore the leaves that sustain it, the stem that holds it, and the roots that nourish it. Be kind to yourself going forward, do your homework, then pick the flowers. All the best....
1/13/2008 12:05:25 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
r_bogdewic Ellsworth, PA age: 30	Wow dude....thanks......kind of an eye opener. The basic assumptions in psychology (since you mentioned Dr. Phil) are that we have to open those channels of what we know is right for us, that were repressed a long time ago....and open them back up again. Kinda like, we already know the answer, but forgot it, and need to be reminded again.
1/13/2008 12:13:52 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
bella2020 Lebanon, OH age: 47 online now!	Hey Bog ,This might not help u but I went thu the same thing when I was little .I was taken to a childrens home at 3yrs old. My mother could'nt afford to keep me.2 yrs later I was adopted .From then on life was hell.I left at 16.I work everyday take care of myself and have raised 1 child.Still working .I think u are doing great. I could go on I have 2 adopted brothers who have been in a bunch of bad relationships .Hold your head up high most people would be on the street doing drugs or committing suicide.For the short of it .I look at it like this I never had a mother so I don't need anyone eles but myself. Stop letting people walk on you. You have done great in your life.
1/13/2008 12:33:20 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
r_bogdewic Ellsworth, PA age: 30	Thank you. I'll be honest...there's alot more to my life than in that post that I originally wrote. I'm so proud of myself, that I'm not on the streets doing drugs, or eating my pistol right now. I survived through alot! That's me though.....when it comes to fight or flight, I'm a prize fighter, and I don't give up on myself. I keep pushing myself to the limits and then some, just to truly "live" life to it's fullest. I desperately want just one relationship to work for me in my life. I want to be that prize fighter for HER, so she knows I'll never give up on her either. I want to be my grandparents, ant 87 years old, celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. Know what I mean? But you live an you learn. So I'll keep fighting until I find the "right one"
1/13/2008 12:44:31 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
deduq Oklahoma City, OK age: 40	you just dontjump into a relationship there is someone out there for and she is looking for you too just take your time and good luck and remember no relationship is perfect we all have demons in us at one time or the other
1/13/2008 1:27:56 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
skibunny11 Pleasant Hill, CA age: 35	Hi Bog. That was bold of you to post. You have to be in strong in yourself first, before you can give in a sustainable relationship. Maybe you need more time to really believe in yourself first. Not trying to be judgemental in anyway, it just seems you are still working through your issues and I believe if you are vulnerable, you could still end up in a relationship where it is more one-sided; that is you are contributing more to it than the other person. Make sense? Changing the subjects, love the music on your profile, but what is the deal w/ the cat picture? Take care! Ski.
1/13/2008 3:12:19 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
r_bogdewic Ellsworth, PA age: 30	Hey skibunny, thanx for the post. Yea, the cat picture is my little sense of homor. It says in captions (on the picture) "e-mail me or I'll shoot this cat". I got the idea from a college calss I took in humor writing....an elective, and took it, and passed, because I'm a funny guy...lol Anyway, one of our subjects we had to study in this class was National Lampoon. National Lampoon had a radio show back in the early 70's called Radio Hour and starred Dan Ackroyd, Chevy Chase, Bill Muray, and many others that started the infamous "Saturday Night Live" On the box of National Lampoon's Radio Hour, there was a picture of a dog with a gun to it's head and it said, "Buy This Box, or We'll Shoot This Dog" as a funny marketing ploy. http://www.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/AMGCOVERS/music/cover200/drc600/c697/c69714gd3m8.jpg
1/14/2008 9:06:51 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
loverboy_75 Washington, PA age: 33	Wow man, that was straight from the heart. Honestly, I couldn't have done that. You really put yourself out there, and turned it around. I have a lot of respect for you. Keep up the good work!
1/14/2008 9:10:29 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
drummrboy Belmont, MA age: 43	cudos my friend. it takes a big man to admit his sortcomings, face them, and then do something to correct the issues. i can relate to a few things u have mentioned. keep on doing what you're doing. better days lie ahead of you, and for your daughters.
1/14/2008 9:46:31 AM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
renonetwo Waterville, ME age: 57	You know, one thing I had to learn about five years ago....was to live "in" the moment. The past is who we are today to a great extent, but you can change your life by learning that little thing I just mentioned. I learned this in therapy. When I first heard of it I thought it was the dopiest thing I ever heard and I just didn't get it. ( I was an over achiever and a very driven person even in my career ) ....then came the day it all fell in on me. I had to keep a journal. Three times a day I had to write in it,......what I was doing right then, to live "in" the moment. Some of them may sound silly, like watching chipmunks play in and out of my stone wall. I also had to list how it made me feel at that very moment. It sounds easy, but if you do it you'll see it takes getting used to. But it all turned around my thinking so much....I ended up leaving the state I lived in, and I am now very happily watching the vertical snow out the window...... it's beautiful, everything is so quiet, and it makes me feel peaceful. So in a long round about way, I think I'm trying to tell you, live in the moment. If you learn to love, truly love yourself and life, that one....that special one will come along.... if you share this outlook with them, you'll see both of you are in that realm and not just one of you. Luck, Love, and happiness.
1/14/2008 1:42:50 PM	You forgive me and I'll forgive you
bigeasy741 Bay, AR age: 45	Wow. I'm lost for words. I hope your problems you have had will make you a better person who will not let these things happen to your children. My heart goes out to you, be strong and look to the future. Most of us have serious problems, Do not let failure win you over.

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