| 5/26/2010 6:24:44 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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goglo
Crestview, FL
69, joined Jan. 2008
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I have been recieving e-mails from a gentleman that would like to meetup.
He is being very open and honest about his situation.
His wife is in a facility with Alzheimer's, and has been for a couple of years. He has discussed this with his grown children and they have no problem with him seeking a companion. He's very lonely.
I feel for this man, but personally I can't see putting myself in this kind of situation.
What would you do??
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| 5/26/2010 7:22:19 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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bereal913
Queensbury, NY
62, joined Apr. 2010
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glo.....what's wrong with meeting for a cup of coffee to discuss the situation? maybe you will find him to be sincere, or maybe you will find him to be someone who wants it all, and shouldn't. You will never know unless you take a chance, and having coffee with someone isn't going to send out any message except for the ones you want to send out.
I am also thinking, at the very least, could this be a friend? Check it out and find out if he seems sincere.
JMO
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| 5/26/2010 7:24:41 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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max1261
Evansville, IN
55, joined Mar. 2007
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till death, do us part! (just a thought)
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| 5/26/2010 7:25:38 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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goglo
Crestview, FL
69, joined Jan. 2008
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I've sat and thought on this. What would any of us do if we were placed in this situation, and it could happen to any of us.
You're right, Max. I took care of my last spouse for two years at home and it was hard, but physically he was still there, even though not lucid most of the time. Would of never considered it.
This situation is different, should we be alone until the end with a partner that does not even know who we are???
[Edited 5/26/2010 7:28:28 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 7:27:16 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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migivadambusted
Peru, IN
56, joined May. 2010
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hi glo, that would be a tough one for me. a huge part of his wife as he knew her is gone. I know you haven't met, but what if you 2 hit off and really liked each, would he divorce his wife. I know thats way a head but just a lot to think about. and again maybe he just wants a companionship/friend type thing. I don't know what I would do. good luck on whatever you decide.
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| 5/26/2010 7:28:45 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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ellyrockdaway
Rockaway Beach, MO
66, joined Nov. 2008
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Awww, that's a sad story and a tough decision, too. While I'm glad he's totally up front and honest, I don't think you would be hesitating or asking this question if you didn't already know "what you would do".
That being said, you can never have too many friends.
[Edited 5/26/2010 7:30:18 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 7:36:16 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
65, joined Oct. 2009
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1) ask to speak to his children as a group or solo because any way you may look at it you may intrude into their lives eventually (just suppose anything). Everyone feels for someone until feelings can get in the way. If you do meet just a first time: casually do it in the daytime and in public to discuss all pros and cons of this too. Look into his eyes--you can't do that online or by phone...
2) now say he was separated or in his mind he is trying to court someone whatever status he's in--or he can come back and say later: this isn't working i think i have to be with my family at this time(look at time lost if then you have to maybe see a doctor for depression if you became too attached) everyone is lonely esp if they are on this site for one.
3)whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"...do a movie or book search on these words and see what they did in it. Remember family is family and you are not part of it as of yet
4) wake up some guy on this site or with the same interests as you meeting in places off-line with those same similar interests you have, who is totally a free agent..if you like getting out of your home go bowling or dancing as men can be found there too
BTW good luck
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| 5/26/2010 7:39:51 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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whodidit
North Port, FL
63, joined Dec. 2007
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I think I remember something in the marriage vows about "...in sickness and in health"...just curious, is he just looking for a friend to vent to or something more?
At this age he should allready have a friend or two that he can rely on.
In my opinion, people just don't go out one day and say" I'm going to find a friend". Friendship is something that happens by chance and over time. I believe that to have a friend you have to be a friend.
I myself am very wary of people who don't have friends......there is usually a valid reason for why they don't.
I won't tell you what to do, but just be careful where you step.....
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| 5/26/2010 7:44:15 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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looking4_prince
Twin Falls, ID
65, joined Mar. 2009
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for all practical purposes,this man is as single as you and I...all he has left is the financial obligation.I'm glad for his sake,that he has decided to find someone to spend time with.I would go for coffee,and treat it like any other meet....Good-luck !!
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| 5/26/2010 7:47:04 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
65, joined Oct. 2009
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1) ask to speak to his children as a group or solo because any way you may look at it you may intrude into their lives eventually (just suppose anything). Everyone feels for someone until feelings can get in the way. If you do meet just a first time: casually do it in the daytime and in public to discuss all pros and cons of this too. Look into his eyes--you can't do that online or by phone...
2) now say he was separated or in his mind he is trying to court someone whatever status he's in--or he can come back and say later: this isn't working i think i have to be with my family at this time(look at time lost if then you have to maybe see a doctor for depression if you became too attached) everyone is lonely esp if they are on this site for one.
3)whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"...do a movie or book search on these words and see what they did in it. Remember family is family and you are not part of it as of yet
4) wake up some guy on this site or with the same interests as you meeting in places off-line with those same similar interests you have, who is totally a free agent..if you like getting out of your home go bowling or dancing as men can be found there too
BTW good luck
forgot to say why i mentioned step # 2 because i was going to get engaged to a woman once who was legally separated but her ex to be developed a catastrophic illness and needed her health insurance to survive before divorce finalized...they still owned stuff together which could have been affected...we felt it best just to part friends and for her to stick to her vows...never saw or heard from her again but i invested time in this and that's lost forever...
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| 5/26/2010 7:51:09 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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gidge1955
Lansdale, PA
61, joined May. 2010
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Glo here is my input. Karma works in all kinds of ways. One thing is you never take what is not yours to take. He still belongs to someone. I think he has more to gain than you. I feel you will put yourself thru some hard emotional times. But maybe you can handle that. I guess it is all in what you two expect of each other and if you both can handle it with no regrets.
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| 5/26/2010 8:09:32 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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kinhin
Miramar Beach, FL
65, joined Jan. 2010
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for all practical purposes,this man is as single as you and I...all he has left is the financial obligation.I'm glad for his sake,that he has decided to find someone to spend time with.I would go for coffee,and treat it like any other meet....Good-luck !!
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| 5/26/2010 8:10:37 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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looking4_prince
Twin Falls, ID
65, joined Mar. 2009
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I'm going to put my foot in it again,and may be sorry...but haven't any of you people seen someone with Alzheimers ?? It's one of the saddest things anyone can go thru..They are NOT there...there is NO cure,and it is totally a waiting game...much the same as if they were in a coma...would you be willing to put your life on hold for years ?? This man needs to move on with his life...He is making sure she is safe,and cared for,which says alot for his character...
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| 5/26/2010 8:15:23 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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daddydeep
Walterboro, SC
75, joined Nov. 2007
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Hmmmmmm. Lets see, theres a BEAR TRAP on my kitchen floor, I wonder if I put my foot in it if I will get hurt??? Will I be able to get out???? Will it leave any lasting damage on me????
Earth to DHU....... married men don't date.If I remember the vows it said in SICKNESS and in health , till DEATH do us part.
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| 5/26/2010 8:18:50 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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asuslife
Naples, FL
66, joined Mar. 2010
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i just say read these posts
[Edited 5/26/2010 8:19:21 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 8:21:29 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
65, joined Oct. 2009
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Hmmmmmm. Lets see, theres a BEAR TRAP on my kitchen floor, I wonder if I put my foot in it if I will get hurt??? Will I be able to get out???? Will it leave any lasting damage on me????
Earth to DHU....... married men don't date.If I remember the vows it said in SICKNESS and in health , till DEATH do us part.
man to man--correct--a breakup or a scam and then she's hurt
glo you're taken by his charm obviously but you have family what would they say ...your compassion vs his needs...one way you have to be stern if you ever become involved and take your bumps and lumps mutually
[Edited 5/26/2010 8:33:08 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 8:22:27 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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migivadambusted
Peru, IN
56, joined May. 2010
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If it were my Dad and he wanted companionship, wanted to date, I would say go for it and support him 100%.
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| 5/26/2010 8:30:19 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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whodidit
North Port, FL
63, joined Dec. 2007
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Hmmmmmm. Lets see, theres a BEAR TRAP on my kitchen floor, I wonder if I put my foot in it if I will get hurt??? Will I be able to get out???? Will it leave any lasting damage on me????
Earth to DHU....... married men don't date.If I remember the vows it said in SICKNESS and in health , till DEATH do us part.
DD hope you have the proper "BEWARE OF BEARTRAP" signs conspicuously posted and a set of C-clamps located within reach of the trap......
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| 5/26/2010 8:30:24 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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ladiebug50
Paragould, AR
66, joined Oct. 2008
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That's a tough situation for you to be in Glo but I have to agree with what others have said here ..... "in sickness and health" ..... in the vows he said and made to his wife before God and witnesses when they got married. Being a "friend only" to this man is one thing and I personally don't see any problems being "just a friend" to him. We can never have enough friends in life and especially friends to lean on for support in times of need but he's still married no matter what the situation is with his wife be it Alzheimer's or if she had any other disabling medical condition. I think it's very honorable that he's been upfront with you about the situation but ..... he's still married ..... and will be until "death do you part". You're the only one who can make the decision as to what you're going to do in this situation. JMHO Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
[Edited 5/26/2010 8:34:41 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 8:31:08 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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clarity101
Aurora, CO
66, joined Oct. 2008
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wow glo. i feel for your dilemma.
i also feel for his. i am in that situation myself. my husband is in a nursing home
and has been now for over 7 years. we were actually separated for 2 years before we had
to put him in the nursing home. i dont know if this has much to do with it, but i was
celibate for 7 years prior to separating from him. his illness is terminal and tho we
were 'separated' i took care of him till the doctors recommended the nursing home.
it was actually my daughter who came to me and suggested that i move on in my life. she
was very well aware of what i had been thru with my husband. i had a hard time in the
beginning wrapping my mind around the idea of 'moving on'. but my daughter said to me that
i deserved to have some happiness in my life for a change. it took me a couple of years
to get my life in order, physically and emotionally as well as financially. i could
divorce him with the blessing of all my family...but why? why spend the money on a document? of course, i would, if someone came along in my life and wanted to marry.
i was in a 4 year relationship with a gentleman who was in much the same situation. he felt guilty the whole time we were together. so what works for some may not work for others.
its interesting to me how many here on dh claim they just want companionship, but want to
maintain their independance, and dont want or need to get married. many folks here just
want a relationship with one but dont feel the need to have a 'document' of marriage. but,  they then say, 'in sickness and in health', 'till death....'.
 dont know what i would recommend for someone else. you have to be the one,
to make peace with GOD and yourself to determine what is right for you.
i would say, dont meet the gentleman unless you are open to exploring the idea.
be sure to understand what his intentions are and that they agree with yours, otherwise,
heartache will ensue.
i do believe, on a personal note, that honesty is the best policy. this could be one
reason why i dont get any interest here on dh. my profile status says, 'its complicated',
rather than 'single'. so, while i get many views, i dont get many emails. i dont even
get anyone interested enough to know why 'its complicated'.
i have a very dear friend, who has been with her significant other for 15yrs. his wife was in a nursing home with alzheimers for 20years and just passed away a year ago. they,
too, had all their childrens blessing.
best of luck to you, whatever you decide
[Edited 5/26/2010 8:38:01 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 8:44:23 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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pyllgram
Checotah, OK
68, joined Nov. 2009
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Glo
After two years he has dealt with the emotional part of not having his wife in his life other than a burden that has a finale stage.
His wifes condition may go on for several more years and if you get involved with this man you need to be aware of it. Although Alzheimers or senile dementia or whatever it is labels is a terminal illness it is different in all people.
My grandmother lived in a nursing home for twelve years before she finally died. My mother lasted about two years.
I believe you are being asked to relieve him of his burden of dealing with his wifes condition if you choose to get involved with him.
Developing a friendship with this man could be one of the best friendships you could find because you are finding he has compassion.
One mistake I have found that I have made in the past is wanting to step in and help with loneliness or try to improve someones situation they are in. Always keep in mind that what you want from a relationship should not include sympathy but empathy instead.
You are a very pretty woman with lots of compassion to give to the right man but don't mix compassion with sympathy.
One thing you might consider is that he is setting up the finale stage of his wifes passing where he can step into something else without going threw the stage of separation from her death.
Personally, I believe he has the commitment to not only his family but his wife as well to complete their journey for their families sake.
If he is lonely for female companionship there are all kinds of local contact points, i.e. senior citizens events, dances, book clubs, sporting events, ect.
Maybe he is more inclined to the bars, hookers or along those lines of companionship.
Just set boundaries on your involvement and make them clear so no misunderstandings are there.
If you are comfortable with his situation the way it is then go for it.
I hate giving advice cause it is not what someone else would do even if it is the best advice known all around.
Pylgram
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| 5/26/2010 8:54:16 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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stargazzer
Creighton, NE
69, joined Feb. 2007
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Ever hear of lieing through ones ass? 
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| 5/26/2010 9:24:48 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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goglo
Crestview, FL
69, joined Jan. 2008
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Thanks for all the input.
Yes, I agree, the friend thing sounds good, but what about later on if you start having feelings other than friendship for this person? Not something you planned on, but could happen.
I know how he feels, I know all about lonely. Although when my husband was so ill, it never crossed my mind. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home, and I kept my word. It was hard looking at just the shell of a man that I had loved for 30 years. I understand the til death do you part.
It took me 4 years after his death to even think about maybe putting myself out there.
I guess if we're really honest with ourselves, we can't say how we would handle it unless we're sitting in those shoes.
[Edited 5/26/2010 9:25:14 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 9:47:47 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
65, joined Oct. 2009
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when we got engaged is meant 'to be broken'/ then marriage came or you broke up
legal separation or not means 'you can go back' even if divorce was filed in addition
again the man is married with his own family...you want to be friends fine but if you're too close of course your physical compassion will meet his needs ...when she first contacted this terrible disease how come this was never an issue back then to make such a move esp within his own family...now its ok esp if she is progressively worse now ...let fate take place and guide you first...many gave great advise and i'm sure you have your own family and real friends to guide you too but once again you must look into each one's eyes before any thing happens since email or phone makes us all contenders
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| 5/26/2010 9:55:16 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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ladiebug50
Paragould, AR
66, joined Oct. 2008
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Glo, thinking a little more about this situation you're in right now has brought a few more thoughts to mind. First, you've only had contact with this man through emails and not in person to see for yourself if what he's saying is actually true. Anyone on here can say anything to anyone that may or may not be true and unless you have first hand knowledge and contact, you'll not know if he or she is being totally honest. Could it be he's not being as honest as he's led you to believe and just a player thinking by gaining sympathy from a woman or women on here will get him more than just a friendship? Second, if he's as lonely as he claims, it could be he's lonely for only one thing, sex and is hoping to fill only that loneliness by playing on a woman's soft heart, care, concern and kindness towards others. For anyone experiencing the sad illness of Alzheimer's of a loved one, there are Alzheimer's support groups he can turn to for support and assistance in dealing with this. Alzheimer's isn't an easy thing for anyone to go through, watching someone close to them be it a friend, family member or spouse deteriorate slowly until passing. I endured that for about 4 years with my father-in-law before he passed away. First, taking care of him at home then finally having to put him in a secured Alzheimer's facility because caring for him had become a serious medical concern for him and safety issue for all concerned. It was a heart breaking experience to say the least. Between my father-in-law's doctor, a support group, family and friends for support, all helped ease the heartbreak and stress tremendously as well as keeping that loneliness feeling away. Maybe you could suggest to him he seek out a Alzheimer's support group for assistance if you haven't already done that. Also coming to mind .... why did this man come on here seeking support and friendship from a woman or women he doesn't know? Hmmmmm ... just sayin' ..... Just be careful and tread with caution. Again, JMHO and thoughts .... good luck in whatever you decide to do.
[Edited 5/26/2010 10:09:33 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 9:58:13 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
65, joined Oct. 2009
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bingo when it happens in person nothing else matters...again many try to sell via email and phone...even charmers/ scammers/ telemarketers do too
[Edited 5/26/2010 10:05:21 AM ]
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| 5/26/2010 10:20:29 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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daytonalover
Daytona Beach, FL
64, joined Jul. 2008
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Thanks for all the input.
Yes, I agree, the friend thing sounds good, but what about later on if you start having feelings other than friendship for this person? Not something you planned on, but could happen.
I know how he feels, I know all about lonely. Although when my husband was so ill, it never crossed my mind. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home, and I kept my word. It was hard looking at just the shell of a man that I had loved for 30 years. I understand the til death do you part.
It took me 4 years after his death to even think about maybe putting myself out there.
I guess if we're really honest with ourselves, we can't say how we would handle it unless we're sitting in those shoes.
Goglo, You are a Really sweet , Friendly , vivacious , Caring and Out going Person. I would say that this Is a Really Tough Situation for the Both Of You ,
By Your writings , You Obviously feel Compassion and Understanding of this Man's situation , having actually lived Thru and suffered greatly with your own ? So You can identify with His feelings of Loneliness and dispair.
He is Most likely a very Nice Guy who is seeking , someone to help him thru his anguish and loss . But as others have stated He is still Married and therefore not really available Legally or Emotionally .
IMO , you are in a very tough situation , One which whatever decisions that you make , will affect you one way or the other, If You walk away , you'll allways think about how there were so few people who were actually there for you in your situation. and if you saty involved , there is allways the poosibilty that You could become quite attached to this fellow and Yet Not really have him for your own. I would say whatever you chose , will be right in your Heart. But you may have to think it thru in your head first .
Like Others stated Maybe The Best move would be to help him find support groups in his area and To find out more about his situation like making sure that it's really as he says it is ? 
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| 5/26/2010 11:40:14 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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shaggyolddog
Kailua Kona, HI
76, joined Mar. 2010
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I think deep down inside... you know the answer or you wouldn't be asking this question.
Just a thought..
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| 5/26/2010 11:46:32 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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migivadambusted
Peru, IN
56, joined May. 2010
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of course she knows the answer.she asked what would we do. most when they ask they know, but just want others input.
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| 5/26/2010 11:46:56 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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browneyz
San Diego, CA
98, joined Jan. 2008
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It sounds like heartache for you. why put yourself through that? Give yourself a break.
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| 5/26/2010 11:54:20 AM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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pteoamrh
Birmingham, AL
66, joined Mar. 2010
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... meet and make a more informed decision ... about whether you wish to move forward in friendship or other interests ...
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| 5/26/2010 12:15:16 PM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
65, joined Oct. 2009
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of course she knows the answer.she asked what would we do. most when they ask they know, but just want others input.
obviously we all have our own takes which are based on what we would do if it was any of us but we may know others in our own lives that experienced something similar in life to this...you may have a relationship start for all the wrong reasons esp if it began online via email/ maybe via a phone basis...
i just say ok do what one pleases to do but do it with live alert eye contact before something happens maybe negatively/ or i told you so theory vs one situation of a % may actually work out...for me a woman to be divorced worked against me wanting to marry because of a medical event getting in the way between us via her ex to be if you read prior posts or my posts...if she knew the answer already why not use a hypertherical situation or and call it an anonymous friend...but you may be right she knows her own answer esp if it's about what she'll do..
a good thing this thread obtained opinions from both men and women something lacking on DH
[Edited 5/26/2010 12:17:43 PM ]
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| 5/26/2010 5:41:31 PM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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goglo
Crestview, FL
69, joined Jan. 2008
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Thanks for sharing your responses on this.
I just thought at our age, this is something to think about. Never dawned on me that someone would contact me with this situation.
Has anyone every had to make a decision like this?
Sop, I agree about the input from both men and women. The road can go both ways.
[Edited 5/26/2010 5:42:15 PM ]
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| 5/26/2010 9:33:31 PM |
For Men and Women..What would you do? |
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bereal913
Queensbury, NY
62, joined Apr. 2010
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... meet and make a more informed decision ... about whether you wish to move forward in friendship or other interests ...
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