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| 5/8/2008 9:40:27 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
a man called an old girlfriend and asked her if she was free saturday night.she said no but she would be reasonable.
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
|
| 5/8/2008 11:34:56 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
at least she wasn't a cop!
or a guy
|
| 5/9/2008 4:23:55 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
poleshift
Charlottesville, VA
79, joined Jan. 2008
|
A fellow came in a bar with a black eye. He was asked why. There was a lady outside soliciting, and I said you are nothing but a 2 bit prostitute, and she whalloped me with her sack of quarters. 
|
| 5/9/2008 8:59:11 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
there was a couple facing hard times so the husband sent the wife out to prostitute to help pay the bills.she came home with onehundred dollars and a quarter.the husband said"who was the cheap guy that gave you a quarter.she replied "all of them
|
| 5/9/2008 9:02:20 AM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
MEN!....ya gotta love em.......welllllllllllllll..some of them anyhow...
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
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| 5/9/2008 9:02:59 AM |
Joke of the day |
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wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
todays joke; a young boy was watching in facination as his mother was putting on cold cream.what are youdoing he asked.i am making myself beautiful she replied.a while later he saw her wiping it off.he said i see you gave up allready.
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| 5/9/2008 9:26:58 AM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
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| 5/9/2008 10:24:11 AM |
Joke of the day |
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rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
ANYBODY GOT SOME QUARTERS?
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| 5/9/2008 12:28:11 PM |
Joke of the day |
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wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
according to my trivia book.you burn 3 calories every time you laugh.a good way to loose weight.
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| 5/9/2008 12:36:19 PM |
Joke of the day |
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rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
NO WONDER i'm so fat!
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| 5/9/2008 1:12:16 PM |
Joke of the day |
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bluedahl
Rewey, WI
83, joined Feb. 2008
|
A good idea--having a joke place. Not that I'm any good at telling jokes or writing them or anything.
I wonder, are these jokes really old? Would a quarter have meant something real in 1939 or some year then? No, I think $2 was the going rate for some then. I guess the idea of the coins-- oh, stop. Jokes aren't meant to be analyzed.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Blue
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| 5/9/2008 1:31:07 PM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
Hi Bleu.............I like a good joke but am not particularly fond of those lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng ones..I'm more partial to "quickies".....
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| 5/9/2008 2:46:32 PM |
Joke of the day |
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bluedahl
Rewey, WI
83, joined Feb. 2008
|
Quickies, indeed, Deli. Hm..... I can see you take and make your jokes wherever you find them. lol Blue
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| 5/9/2008 3:15:34 PM |
Joke of the day |
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rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
I'D RATHER PLAY SCRABBLE!
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| 5/9/2008 3:21:47 PM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
ahhhhhhhhhh Blue.......might as well......time passes too quickly for me.
Rick.....I haven't played Scrabble in years....it's fun but UPWARDS is even better.....
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| 5/9/2008 4:05:02 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
YOU MEAN A QUICKIE?
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself
At a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like
you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know,
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?'
' 1959, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out
And quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!' She
took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax'
him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
His serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
[Edited 5/9/2008 4:07:38 PM ]
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| 5/9/2008 4:08:53 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
FUNNY!
[Edited 5/9/2008 4:37:53 PM ]
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| 5/9/2008 4:11:42 PM |
Joke of the day |
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rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
FUNNY!
[Edited 5/9/2008 4:38:32 PM ]
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| 5/9/2008 6:42:57 PM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
Love those Marines!
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| 5/9/2008 9:21:12 PM |
Joke of the day |
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wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
a quickie.it was the happiest day of her life;she strode up to the altar,kissed her husband and closed the lid.
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| 5/10/2008 2:49:46 PM |
Joke of the day |
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hma02
Chico, CA
77, joined Mar. 2008
|
A blonde joke:
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
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| 5/10/2008 3:32:48 PM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
Good one, hma.........
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| 5/10/2008 3:42:40 PM |
Joke of the day |
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wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
todays joke; what do you call a rooster with erctile dysfunction?a boneless chicken.
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| 5/10/2008 3:44:11 PM |
Joke of the day |
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hma02
Chico, CA
77, joined Mar. 2008
|
Im a blonde but I still like some of the blonde jokes hope it doesn't offend anyone
This one is a lawyer joke
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my new BMW!!!", he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my Gaaad....", replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "We gota find it. It has my Rolex???!!!!!"
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| 5/11/2008 7:05:17 AM |
Joke of the day |
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wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
not a joke,but according to my trivia book,snails only mate once in their lifetime,and in snail fashion take half a day to do it.
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| 5/11/2008 9:47:17 AM |
Joke of the day |
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rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
AND, TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!
I WISH!
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| 5/11/2008 11:34:11 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
ladygodiva2
Granbury, TX
81, joined Apr. 2008
|
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on
my
home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software
Police,"
so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm.
What
happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized. "
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened
next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in
the
A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of
Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Thoughts on Exercising. . .
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
out
what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy
me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years
old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per
month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't
lost
a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice
jump
right out of my glass.
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| 5/11/2008 1:27:17 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
Love the exercise jokes, Lady!..they are soooooooooooooo me!!
[Edited 5/11/2008 1:27:57 PM ]
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| 5/11/2008 1:42:06 PM |
Joke of the day |
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ladygodiva2
Granbury, TX
81, joined Apr. 2008
|
They hit me close to home, too, deli. Specially the one about "you must have to go to the gym:"
|
| 5/11/2008 5:53:02 PM |
Joke of the day |
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hma02
Chico, CA
77, joined Mar. 2008
|
Two nuns
The head nun told 2 nuns too repaint the nun living quarters but they would be in deep trouble if they got any paint on their robes.
so nun 1 thought "hey why don't we take all our clothes off and paint and we won't get in trouble because our robes won't be soiled"
nun 2 said "great" so they started painting and nun 2 made sure the door was locked so no one came in.
then there was a knock on the door.
nun 2 said "who is it??"
someone answered "blind man"
nun 1 said " it's a blind man let him in he won't see us"
so nun 2 unlocked the door and the man goes, "oh you've got really nice boobs, anyway i'm here to fix the blinds"!!!!
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| 5/11/2008 5:55:09 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Are you sure that isn't a blonde joke?
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| 5/11/2008 6:54:22 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
Guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a leggy blonde, ordered a martini, and sat!
She looked at him several times, he just kept drinking!
Finally he turned to her, and said "I'm a man of few words! Will you or won't you?".
She never even flinched, and said "your place or mine?".
He said, "To hell with you, if you're going to argue about it!".
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| 5/11/2008 7:18:00 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
The other day I was walking past the mental hospital and all the patients were shouting, "13.... 13.... 13.... 13." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Then some creep poked me in the eye with a stick!
And then they all started shouting, "14....14....14....14..."
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| 5/11/2008 9:00:55 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
hma02
Chico, CA
77, joined Mar. 2008
|
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians with Their Translated "Country" Definitions
12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.
A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.
Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie.
Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes."
Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
Bass: The things you run around in Softball.
Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.
Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.
Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
Clef: What you try to never fall off of.
Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.
Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
Cut Time: Parole.
Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
1st Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; "Whew!" That was a major scale!"
Melodic Min.: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.
Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle."
Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.
Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.
Ritard: There's one in every family.
Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.
Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.
Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.
Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
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| 5/12/2008 9:01:56 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
todays joke; a man asked his wife.would you ave married me if my uncle hadn't left me a fortune.i would have married you no matter who left you a fortune she replied.
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| 5/12/2008 9:10:46 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
todays joke; a man asked his wife.would you ave married me if my uncle hadn't left me a fortune.i would have married you no matter who left you a fortune she replied.
|
| 5/12/2008 9:14:16 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
newlady2
Goldsboro, NC
78, joined Apr. 2008
|
**smiles** Morning all
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| 5/12/2008 9:43:48 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
Good morning, Newlady........
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| 5/12/2008 12:48:18 PM |
Joke of the day |
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wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
from my trivia book.in the 1800s in england you could get the death penalty for attempting suicide and failing.
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| 5/13/2008 4:15:17 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
todays joke;for adults only. a young boy asked his dad to but him a bicycle.i would like to said his father but there is a $800,000 mortgage on the house.the next mornng the father caught the boy going out the door with his suitcase.where are you going he asked.well dad he repled last night i walked past your bedroom and i heard you tell mom you were pullng out,and she said wait a minute i am coming too,and i am not staying here alone with a $800,000 mortgage and no bicycle.
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| 5/13/2008 4:56:52 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
sunray37
Fort Dodge, IA
80, joined Oct. 2007
|
These are ads that went wrong I think they are funny
Ads Gone Wrong
For sale:
Antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers.
Wanted:
Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale
Eight puppies from a German Sheppard
and an Alaskan Hussy.
Toaster:
A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings:
Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.
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| 5/13/2008 5:41:17 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
hma02
Chico, CA
77, joined Mar. 2008
|
A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie. The Genie gives the man 3 wishes, but ads the caveat that whatever he wishes for goes twice for lawyers.
"I wish to have 10 million dollars," the man says. The Genie grants his wish and gives double the amount to all lawyers.
"I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to me." The Genie grants his wish and gives two such woman to all lawyers.
After some pause the man begins to smile. Intrigued, the Genie asks, "What is your final wish, my Master."
The man replied, "I wish to donate a kidney."
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| 5/13/2008 6:58:53 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
|
SAME SALESMAN says, "your place"! they get there, toss their clothes and get right at it!
he says, "i'm sorry! if i'd known you was a virgin, i'd i've taken more time!".
she says, "if i knew you had more time, i'd have taken off my panty hose!".
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| 5/14/2008 9:00:35 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
1.
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4.
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7.
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
right Where You Left Him.
16.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
[Edited 5/14/2008 9:01:24 AM ]
|
| 5/14/2008 11:39:13 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
shyfellow
Belmont, WV
86, joined Nov. 2007
|
delidelight,
I like a "Quickie" now and then. Problem is.....my "Quickies" take longer that they used to! 
shy, 
in WV
|
| 5/14/2008 11:45:23 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
delidelight,
I like a "Quickie" now and then. Problem is.....my "Quickies" take longer that they used to!
shy,
in WV
Hey Shy..........Not to fret.......it happens for good reason, imo.....now that we have the time, easy does it!
|
| 5/14/2008 11:52:10 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
shyfellow
Belmont, WV
86, joined Nov. 2007
|
A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his
penis,
something she seems to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
**
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'
|
| 5/14/2008 11:56:19 AM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
OMG!..............BWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Good one,Shy.......
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| 5/14/2008 3:51:12 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
|
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered,
"Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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| 5/14/2008 9:52:09 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
fisherman75
Aurora, MO
84, joined Mar. 2008
|
OK I'm late but here's my joke of the day...While visiting the troops in Iraq the present president's wife sees a Marine baker rolling fresh bread dough on his hairy chest , and says to the Marine baker " I say young man isn't that a bit unsanitary?", the Marine sats "heck no lady you should've been here yesterday when I was making doughnuts" >>>>>>>>....... hey people he still had all his fingers LOL!!!!!
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| 5/14/2008 9:54:11 PM |
Joke of the day |
|
wilbur35
Latrobe, PA
82, joined Apr. 2008
|
an irishman on his death bed gave his best friend a bottle of irish whisky and asked him to pour it over his grave when he died.the friend replied'i hope you dont mind if it passes through my kidneys first' i enjoy reding the jokes ,there have been some really good ones.
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| 5/15/2008 1:35:27 AM |
Joke of the day |
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shyfellow
Belmont, WV
86, joined Nov. 2007
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------- The Golfing Nun
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was ,' sighed the Sister.'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?'
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| 5/15/2008 1:50:07 AM |
Joke of the day |
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shyfellow
Belmont, WV
86, joined Nov. 2007
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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months! She grew terrific D-cup
boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood
Right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby Doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of
Dr.. Smith's?'
'Yes I am... How did you know?'
He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory d*ckory dock...'
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| 5/15/2008 3:31:56 PM |
Joke of the day |
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newlady2
Goldsboro, NC
78, joined Apr. 2008
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Laughing Good jokes of the day,No , I don't know a one 
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| 5/15/2008 4:32:35 PM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
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You know It's Time To diet When......
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
Doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk
Carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
All in fun everyone!
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| 5/15/2008 8:33:34 PM |
Joke of the day |
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rickls1935
Fort Wayne, IN
81, joined Jun. 2007
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DELI, YOU'RE A CARD! you should be dealt with!
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| 5/16/2008 10:24:12 AM |
Joke of the day |
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shyfellow
Belmont, WV
86, joined Nov. 2007
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir.
Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."
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| 5/16/2008 10:31:18 AM |
Joke of the day |
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shyfellow
Belmont, WV
86, joined Nov. 2007
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'
'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and
we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll
just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of
the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've GOT to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that
was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago,
that wasn't an electric fence! 
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| 5/16/2008 10:40:26 AM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
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Hi Rick....Your deal!
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| 5/16/2008 10:41:25 AM |
Joke of the day |
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delidelite
Blaine, OH
80, joined Apr. 2008
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heh,heh,hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....smart man........forget the cell phones!
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