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| 8/19/2015 3:27:22 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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phishybizness
Stuart, FL
55, joined Feb. 2011
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Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
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| 8/22/2015 1:45:35 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man.
I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: "Up until Last week, I still had it all! A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet,
I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh No, nothing like that" he said.
"No, no ... I just got out of prison."
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| 8/30/2015 2:28:29 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, swearing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
See? - Men just don't listen!
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| 9/6/2015 1:47:11 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
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| 9/6/2015 4:53:44 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
**** NEWS FLASH ****
CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called
"Jet Black,"
the African-American version of
"Snow White”
has been cancelled.
All of the 7 dwarfs; Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing,
"It's off to work we go."
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| 9/13/2015 6:35:02 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is sadly involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?
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| 9/15/2015 2:02:05 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her rear end in it!"
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| 9/15/2015 2:03:49 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old. .. I'm telling everybody!'
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| 9/17/2015 4:58:19 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. Maybe you should consider selling your cars, along with your gun collection."
Tom gets a horrified look on his face, and she says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife! she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't..."
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| 9/23/2015 5:33:03 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
HOW TO START A FIGHT 
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started. 
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| 9/26/2015 6:38:42 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Jack goes to his friend, Mike, and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees. After the services, Mike
starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions,
just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."
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| 9/27/2015 8:14:40 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
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That last one goes on my FB Page! Good one Shakey 
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| 9/27/2015 8:15:48 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
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A wife that understands:
Early one morning an elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife, "Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama Administration!"
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet, Herman, and come eat your breakfast !" 
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| 10/3/2015 9:30:13 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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| 10/11/2015 9:16:26 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies, 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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| 10/11/2015 9:53:29 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Freshly downloaded from our Jewish friends in Florida!!!!!!!!!
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food
Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A - Under the Vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .
Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that, I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. "
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." " Force yourself," she replied.
Did you hear that Al Italia and El Al were merging to form a new airline? It's called "Vell I'll tell ya."
Proof that Bill Clinton is a fool...... He has a Jewish mistress and A Goyisha lawyer!!!
Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!
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| 10/11/2015 11:25:35 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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sand_inhershoes
Milton, FL
55, joined Jul. 2011
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Two potatoes walk into a bar. Which one is the prostitute?
The one with the sticker that says IDAHO.
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| 10/11/2015 3:42:20 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
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| 10/15/2015 3:28:28 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
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| 10/18/2015 7:40:09 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
DAY 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He's impotent, he says, and he wanted me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble.
A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of The Washington monument and burst into tears.
DAY 4
A miracle has happened!
There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work.
I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5
What absolute bliss!
DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head.
No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him.
But, have to admit, it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9
No time to write.
He might catch me.
DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding.
I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do?
I feel tacky all over .....
DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill.
I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
Even my armpits hurt.
He's a complete pig.
DAY 12
I wish he was gay,
I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous.
DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile.
I can hardly walk and if he tries that 'Ooops, sorry' thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off.
Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny.
Help Me!
DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him.
I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and f**k himself - and he did.
DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches.
I hope the bloody thing explodes.
DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference....
SHIT!!!
Here he comes again!
DAY 18
He's back on Prozac.
The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
Aaaaah - what absolute bliss!
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| 10/18/2015 8:54:36 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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vwconvert71
Ocala, FL
46, joined Oct. 2014
|
If it's too loud, you're too old.
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| 10/19/2015 5:57:21 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims :Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Mormons, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, Red-Necks etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness.....
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.
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| 10/19/2015 5:59:16 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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| 10/20/2015 5:23:25 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at a Michigan MacDonald’s.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said Paul.
"Yes, I know," said Tim. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," Jim.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said Bob!
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said Dennis, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed Owen.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," Casey said.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced Joe, who was visiting Bob, as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," Tim said cheerfully...
"Thank God we can all still drive."
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| 10/20/2015 5:29:56 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 AM, I noticed a
character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and
suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay
afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help
soon he would surely drown.
>
> Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast
Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
>
> It is now 11 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities
have responded.
>
> I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
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| 10/21/2015 12:15:26 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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bluesky_34
Hudson, FL
44, joined Jul. 2012
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Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze, tounge tied and twisted are all my memories. As Im driving Im captured by the view, so much beauty, the road becomes my muse. Turn up the radio and Im feelin like I never felt before. Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams I breathe.... Finally free....
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| 10/25/2015 8:06:31 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
|
| 10/28/2015 2:45:40 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy say, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”
The guy answers, “Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replies, “100.”
The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU. The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man answers, “50.”
The robot leans in real close and asks, “So . . . are . . . you . . . still happy . . . with Obama?”
|
| 10/29/2015 4:34:47 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Boy from Arkansas
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through
the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money
on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here
at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to
talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole'
Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young
Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the
semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father
asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good
results they have started to teach the animals how to
read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we
get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the
class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his
girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the
whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk,
nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie
his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to
help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him
read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole'
Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your
Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who
lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you
shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on
to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of
Arkansas and President of the United States , and
you already know what a lying b*tch his girlfriend
turned out to be!
|
| 10/29/2015 5:24:43 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
vwconvert71
Ocala, FL
46, joined Oct. 2014
|
|
| 10/29/2015 5:26:12 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
vwconvert71
Ocala, FL
46, joined Oct. 2014
|
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims :Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Mormons, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, Red-Necks etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness.....
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.
Love it!
|
| 10/30/2015 4:18:00 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Boy from Arkansas
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through
the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money
on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here
at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to
talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole'
Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young
Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the
semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father
asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good
results they have started to teach the animals how to
read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we
get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the
class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his
girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the
whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk,
nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie
his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to
help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him
read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole'
Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your
Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who
lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you
shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on
to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of
Arkansas and President of the United States , and
you already know what a lying b*tch his girlfriend
turned out to be!
|
| 10/30/2015 5:32:52 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
You Know You Are In A Redneck Church If
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... The congregation of 500 members only has seven last names in the church directory.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of bells, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... that "Thou shall not covet" thing applies to huntin' dogs, too.
|
| 11/1/2015 5:46:50 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
An atheist went swimming in the sea. Far from shore, he notices a shark about 100 metres from him. He frantically starts swimming for shore. Looking back he sees the shark bearing down on him. In a panic, he screams :" God, help me! " A voice answers. "Why should I help you? You dont believe in me" Atheist thinks quick. "Can you make the shark believe? " he asks. "As you wish " replies the voice. Atheist looks back and sees he is 5 seconds away from certain death. All of a sudden,the shark stops, assumes an upright position, slaps his dorsal fins together, and starts praying:" For what I'm about to receive, make me truly thankful! " AMEN
|
| 11/2/2015 4:35:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
The King
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
I rest my case... 
|
| 11/9/2015 5:46:28 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
|
| 11/10/2015 5:44:42 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?” “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!”
Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t.”
|
| 11/14/2015 1:49:45 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak
As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare,she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
|
| 11/16/2015 1:09:10 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A 65-year- old- woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
|
| 12/13/2015 2:45:45 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
|
| 12/14/2015 8:48:02 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
baconbgood4u
Leesburg, FL
73, joined Jun. 2014
|
My Grandpop always said put a quarter in your rubber if you can't come call.
|
| 12/15/2015 10:51:26 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth” he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?”
"I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And
Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?”
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different boy, little Johnny puts his hand up;
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny” he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?"
I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And
Fifth - Where's Kenneth?
|
| 12/19/2015 7:49:16 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
73, joined Aug. 2008
|
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
|
| 12/23/2015 8:58:06 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Steve.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Steve. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Dewey, "that's what I meant to say, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"
|
| 12/28/2015 8:31:42 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
|
| 12/29/2015 3:03:00 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
COSTELLO : I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.
ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?
ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Politician.
|
| 1/1/2016 1:01:58 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says .....
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman !
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion !
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari !
You get $2,000 a week allowance !
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away
Over 45 cents ?"
NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER !
|
| 1/1/2016 1:06:55 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
heart_and_soul3
Sarasota, FL
60, joined Aug. 2014
|
Hmmmm--And, to think most women just don't want to be a sex object--
We kinda want to be loved for who we are--
But, know in this day and age that is asking too much-
|
| 1/10/2016 11:59:33 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
albyak
Ninilchik, AK
68, joined Apr. 2011
|
Bet a woman who loved sex would have all the men loving her she could ever want...and they would love her for what she was 
Seems very few really get that
What is it men are from Mars--Women are from Venus
|
| 1/10/2016 1:18:43 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
baconbgood4u
Leesburg, FL
73, joined Jun. 2014
|
Once a King always a King, but once a Knight enough.
|
| 1/10/2016 1:34:32 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Once a knight, serf.
|
| 1/10/2016 1:34:59 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Twice.... A knight
|
| 1/10/2016 3:38:31 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
ninjazx9r
Largo, FL
48, joined Apr. 2010
|
All Knight
|
| 1/10/2016 7:20:47 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
heart_and_soul3
Sarasota, FL
60, joined Aug. 2014
|
Kinda assuming things aren't you?
How would you know anything about me?
I was referring to the messages I receive from 30 and 40 year-olds calling me sexy--When I reply, I am not interested in a younger man..I get the penis picture of look what I am missing-
Yep--they love me--
Geesh--
|
| 1/11/2016 1:02:26 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
|
albyak
Ninilchik, AK
68, joined Apr. 2011
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Sorry, just thought you were referring to the joke above you post
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| 1/23/2016 9:38:05 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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An old priest lay dying in a hospital.
He had served the people of the nation’s capital for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
“Yes father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama before I die” whispered the priest.
“I will see what I can do” said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Washington and waited for a response.
Soon an answer came back; Both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital Hillary commented to Obama “I don’t know why this old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help my election prospects”.
Obama agreed it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest’s room the priest took
Hillary’s hand in his right hand and Obama’s hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
Finally Obama spoke “Father of all people you could have chosen, why did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?”
The old priest slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life and behavior after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
“Amen” said Hillary.
“Amen” said Obama.
The old priest continued “Jesus Christ our savior died between two lying thieves and I would like to do the same”
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| 1/29/2016 9:54:46 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
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| 2/10/2016 11:27:21 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a Denver Broncos jersey, helmet, and is festooned with Redskins pom poms. The bartender says,
“Hey, no pets are allowed in here!
You’ll have to leave!”
The guy begs him.
“Look, I’m desperate.
We’re both big fans.
The TV is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can see the game!”
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him, that he, and the dog will be thrown out if they cause any trouble, the bartender relents, and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Carolinas receiving the kick off.
They march downfield, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal.
that, the dog jumps on the bar, giving a high five to all the other customers seated at the bar.
The bartender says,
“Wow! That’s the most amazing thing I have ever seen. What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?”
The dog owner replies.
“I don’t know, I’ve only had him for four years.”
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| 2/10/2016 6:15:36 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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norman and barry get married in california
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to
Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married
night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up
and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to
go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are
up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.'
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| 2/14/2016 3:15:26 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 11 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Turning our backs on Israel?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The joke Iran Nuke deal? ”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? ”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ ?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left Office?”
Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one!
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