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| 2/19/2016 10:43:45 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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docktork
Kissimmee, FL
66, joined Jan. 2011
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short and sweet ..the song on top of old Smokey ..what did Yogi see when he came home to.his wife
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
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| 2/25/2016 4:16:14 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Some Years Ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is A National Organization for People who have An IQ of 140 or Higher.
Several of The Mensa Members went out for Lunch at a Local Café. When they sat down, 1 of them discovered that The Salt Shaker contained Pepper & The Pepper Shaker was full of Salt.
How could they Swap The Contents of The 2 Bottles without spilling any & using only The Implements At Hand? Clearly this was A Job for Mensa Minds.
The Group debated the Problem, Presented Ideas & finally came up with A Brilliant Solution involving A Napkin, a Straw & an Empty Saucer.
They called The Waitress over, ready to Dazzle Her with Their Solution. "Miss", they said," We couldn't help but notice that The Pepper Shaker contains Salt &
The Salt Shaker - ". But before they could finish, the Waitress interrupted, "Oh! Sorry about that".
She leaned over The Table, Unscrewed the Caps of Both Bottles & Switched Them.
There was Dead Silence at The Mensa Table.
Kinda reminds ya of The Government, doesn't it.
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| 3/4/2016 6:46:28 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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vwconvert71
Ocala, FL
46, joined Oct. 2014
|
A male/female pair of astronauts land on a planet and meet "aliens", who show them how they reproduce. They get done and a tiny alien pops out.
So the astronauts reciprocate. While they're getting dressed, one alien asks "So where is the offspring?" The woman tells the aliens about the nine-month gestation period. So the one alien looks at them and asks "Then why were you in such a hurry at the end?"
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| 3/4/2016 12:36:38 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Hillary is elected president....
On the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Do not bully the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a nice play."
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| 3/6/2016 6:08:45 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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vwconvert71
Ocala, FL
46, joined Oct. 2014
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| 3/15/2016 6:31:00 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back
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| 3/19/2016 9:28:03 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Two patients limp into two different doctors' offices with the same complaint: Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.
Patient 1 is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
Patient 2 sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on ObamaCare.
In November, if there is no change in government, we'll all have to find a good vet
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| 3/27/2016 4:48:48 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge!
A proper decision by the courts for a change.
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..." You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
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| 4/14/2016 10:02:41 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Just Think - If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!
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| 4/14/2016 11:30:33 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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albyak
Ninilchik, AK
68, joined Apr. 2011
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 That is way to true and funny also!!!
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| 4/15/2016 8:29:47 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
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| 4/24/2016 3:44:16 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Jewish Elbow... 
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . . .. You're coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather 
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
Irish blonde.. 
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
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| 5/14/2016 7:24:27 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonnys mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what youve just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "Im leaving you. Im packing now and Im leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
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| 5/14/2016 7:25:53 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered twice weekly. Your wife, on the other hand, answered several times a night."
"Thats right," replies the bloke, "And thats how its going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
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| 5/14/2016 7:29:29 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
o My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
o My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
o My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
o "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the putz had a paper route!"
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| 5/20/2016 2:37:28 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive...
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
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| 5/20/2016 8:48:48 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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Yo mama!
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| 5/28/2016 6:05:31 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Two Texas ranchers were trying to out do each about who had the bigger ranch.
First one said...
I can get in my truck in the morning and by lunchtime I am still not at the far side.
Second one said...
I can get in my truck at sun up and by sunset I am still not to the other side.
An Arkansas feller over heard them and jumped in with his two cents.
"So you both are Ford owners huh?"
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| 6/5/2016 6:28:22 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A young couple were very much in love and decided that they would not indulge in ANY sexual activity until they were married......
A week before the wedding was due to take place, the girl said to her boyfriend,
"You know that I love you so much and I just wanted to tell you that I am STILL a virgin. I don't want you to be unhappy with me."
Her boyfriend replied,
"I don't want you to be upset either, but I am also a virgin and have a penis the size of an infant."
She said that size did not matter, and because they loved one another so much, that they would be able to work it out somehow.
Come the night of the wedding and to avoid any first night nerves they agree to undress in bed.
She removes her nightie and waits for him to come in from the bathroom.
He dims the lights and climbs in bed beside her.
He begins to fondle and kiss her while she strokes his chest.
Her hands slowly go lower and lower.
When she reaches his groin area, she gives out a blood curdling scream and jumps out of bed.
"What's wrong?"
He asks.
"You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!"
She cries.
"It is."
He responds
8lb 6oz and 17 inches
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| 6/16/2016 9:26:54 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
diary of a Viagra housewife......
DAY 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He's impotent, he says, and he wanted me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble.
A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of The Washington monument and burst into tears.
DAY 4
A miracle has happened!
There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work.
I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5
What absolute bliss!
DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head.
No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him.
But, have to admit, it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9
No time to write.
He might catch me.
DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding.
I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do?
I feel tacky all over .....
DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill.
I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
Even my armpits hurt.
He's a complete pig.
DAY 12
I wish he was gay,
I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous.
DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile.
I can hardly walk and if he tries that
'Ooops, sorry'
thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off.
Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny.
Help Me!
DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him.
I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and f**k himself - and he did.
DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches.
I hope the bloody thing explodes.
DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference....
SH!T!!!
Here he comes again!
DAY 18
He's back on Prozac.
The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
Aaaaah - what absolute bliss!
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| 6/16/2016 4:27:31 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Really?
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| 6/17/2016 5:41:06 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
really?
|
| 6/20/2016 10:56:56 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a Ruger 9mm with a ten shot magazine and I want to know who's
been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo.”
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| 7/3/2016 11:32:32 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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| 7/8/2016 11:46:34 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
A large jet plane has crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky, feared to be Air Force One. Panic stricken, the local sheriffs department has mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor. “Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
“Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.
Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?”
“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out, “the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”
“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.
“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, “He kept a-saying he wasn’t, but you know how bad that sumb*tch lies.”
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| 7/10/2016 7:55:23 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance
Latin American countries are sending clothing
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crop
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless President Trump."
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| 7/14/2016 2:08:48 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and
very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to
make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to
the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)
to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone
that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the
tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she
had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the
old maid's final request considering the very limited space available
on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as
a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
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| 8/10/2016 2:05:23 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Upon finding the magic lamp the man frees its genie, and is granted a single wish. "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but flying terrifies me, & I get unendurably sea sick on any boat. So I wish for a road from here to Hawaii." The stunned genie plied the man with reason. "That would be a monumental engineering feat. Miles tall pilings traversing the abyssal plain. The material alone to support & pave such a roadway would level entire mountain ranges flat, thereby severely changing planetary weather patterns forever. Then there are problems like continental drift. Isn't there any other wish I can grant you instead?" Frowning in thought, the man suddenly brightens. "I've got it! I've always wanted to understand women, what explains their inappropriate emotional outbursts. Why is their tyrannical fury directly proportional to the vagueness and ambiguity of the trap they laid to provoke it? That's what I want to know." The genie grudgingly nods his acceptance, and replies, "So, do you need four lanes or will you settle for two?"
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| 8/26/2016 12:39:14 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer at the store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost-
blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very hot out
and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she
said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering, old fella.
Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought about it for a second and said, "What kinda beer you got?"
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| 9/1/2016 9:24:26 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
On the first day at the new seniors complex in Henderson, NV, the manager addressed all the new seniors (about 115 of them between the ages of 65 and 85) pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males; and the male dormitory is off limits to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $80. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a retired Navy Chief stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass???"
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| 9/5/2016 5:21:33 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Getting older, as we do, and doing things we do as we get older, as we do,
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night.
As I passed through the kitchen, I happened to look out through the rear windows.
I noticed a diaper-headed Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said.
“That SOB next door still has our shovel.”
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| 9/15/2016 11:51:17 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A German woman married an
American gentleman born in
Virginia and they lived happily
ever after in his home town.
The poor lady was not very proficient
in English, but did manage
To communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose
Whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy
Chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request,
So, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt
To show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave
Her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't
Know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned
Her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her
Husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you Thinking?
Her husband speaks English....hellooo!
I worry about you Sometimes!
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| 9/18/2016 7:39:23 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Only in the USA.
Regardless of who wins the presidential election this November, we will witness history being made:
If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
Is this a great country or what?
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| 9/18/2016 7:43:06 PM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
This would be even funnier if it wasn't true.
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.
I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."
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| 9/21/2016 11:30:02 PM |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Up yours (song)
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| 10/8/2016 7:07:05 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
My buddy from Atlanta, Georgia swears this works. Go to Home Depot or Wal-Mart and buy a can of black spray paint. The brand pictured works great. Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well. Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
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| 10/8/2016 10:38:50 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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| 11/5/2016 8:26:31 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish."
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
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| 12/15/2016 10:05:35 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family. "
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| 12/29/2016 1:34:38 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
One sunny day in 2018, an elderly man approached the White House
from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard.
"I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
"Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man simply turned and walked back to his bench.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away…back to the bench across the street.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine.
"I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man.
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton.
I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't
reside here. Don't you understand?"
"Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Sir! See you tomorrow!"
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| 1/12/2017 3:49:59 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover the story.
Their banner headlines read, "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
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| 1/15/2017 6:11:16 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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| 1/31/2017 1:01:25 PM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Rose & Marge loved softball. They played on the women’s team in college, and maintained lifetime enjoyment of watching, and playing the game.
Even into their 80's they’d still devote at least a part of one day a month to it.
But due to their advancing age and the realities of life, Rose grew frail, sickened and was on her death bed.
Rose & Marge had a heart to heart chat.
Marge:
“Rose, when you get to Heaven, I want you to find out if they play softball there. And if they do, I want you to get word to me about it, back here on Earth.”
Rose:
“OK Marge: if there’s a way for me to get word back to you, I surely will.”
Shortly thereafter, Rose lapsed into a coma, and was soon gone.
Two weeks later, Marge suddenly noticed a source of light which grew brighter and brighter until filled the room.
Then she heard Rose’s voice.
“Hello Marge. I’m Rose, talking to you from Heaven. I’ve got some pretty good news, and a little not so good news for you.”
“Tell me the good news first!” Marge urged.
“Not only do we have softball here in Heaven. We’ve got an entire league. We can play whenever we want, as much as we want, and we can never get tired.”
“That sounds great!” Marge exclaimed. “But then tell me Rose, what’s the bad news?”
Rose replied: “You’re pitching next Tuesday.”
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| 2/7/2017 6:10:12 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."
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| 2/9/2017 8:04:22 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Leave me out of your will!
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!' ”
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| 2/13/2017 1:39:27 PM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
"Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bi Laden and a Biker Dude are walking along together one day and they came across a lamp lying on the ground. The Canadian picked it up and said, 'This could be a pretty item to have on my mantle if I polished it up a bit and he rubbed it with the sleeve of his shirt. A Genie pops out and says "I will give each of you one wish." The Canadian said, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. POOF! In the blink of the Genie's eye the land in Canada was forever fertile.
Osama was amazed so he said "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land." POOF! Again in the blink of the Genie's eye there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker Dude said, "I'm curious. Please tell me about this wall." The Genie explained. "It is 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and nothing can get in or out. It is virtual impenetrable."
The Biker sat down on his Harley, took a beer out of his saddle bags and then lit up a cigar. He smiled and then said, "Fill it with water."
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| 3/30/2017 12:10:30 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Upon finding the magic lamp the man frees its genie, and is granted a single wish.
"I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but flying terrifies me, & I get unendurably sea sick on any boat.
So I wish for a road from here to Hawaii." The stunned genie plied the man with reason. "That would be a monumental engineering feat. Miles tall pilings traversing the abyssal plain. The material alone to support & pave such a roadway would level entire mountain ranges flat, thereby severely changing planetary weather patterns forever.
Then there are problems like continental drift. Isn't there any other wish I can grant you instead?" Frowning in thought, the man suddenly brightens.
"I've got it! I've always wanted to understand women, what explains their inappropriate emotional outbursts. Why is their tyrannical fury directly proportional to the vagueness and ambiguity of the trap they laid to provoke it? That's what I want to know."
The genie grudgingly nods his acceptance, and replies, "So, do you need four lanes or will you settle for two?"
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| 4/1/2017 9:02:52 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
*That **Last Nickel*
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the
young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at
his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places
it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her
free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a
word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'
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| 4/1/2017 9:46:43 PM |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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I read it in jokes. Funny.
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| 4/6/2017 4:12:00 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
She’s single...She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. She is knock out lovely in every way. I see her nearly every evening when she gets home from work. This particular evening I was surprised
when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time,
dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope I’m free”.
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
Being a senior citizen really sucks.
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| 4/6/2017 9:12:12 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Old Goat Quiz
Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
Lovely, just lovely...
Sometimes I worry about you...
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| 6/8/2017 9:38:01 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
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| 7/2/2017 10:30:14 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A HUNTING ACCIDENT
Boudreaux was hunting geese in the Swamp. He leaned his old
16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak
As luck would have it, his Labrador , Ginger, knocked the gun over, it went
off, and Boudreaux took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Slidell hospital bed, he came to and there
was his ER doctor, Thibodaux.
"Vell Boudreaux, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat
you're going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Boudreaux.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to
your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Boudreaux. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Thibodaux says. "She's a flute player in da LSU Band.
And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you
where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
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| 7/6/2017 4:25:05 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
People from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In a survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings a tear to your eye.
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| 7/14/2017 7:07:55 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
It is Sunday about Noon. Johnny had been in church with his mom and dad and listened nicely to the pastor deliver his sermon. Now he is in the backseat of his dad's car crying his eyes out. His mom turned around and asked why Johnny was crying. Johnny looked up at his mom, tears still flooding his face and he replied, "Well, the pastor said children should be raised by Holy Christian parents, but I want to stay with you guys!"
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| 7/19/2017 10:18:04 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Part of my childhood, we lived up in the mountains of Kentucky, 5 miles away from the nearest town. I never did understand it. There was only one church up there and everybody in town went to church on Sundays, and if you didn’t go. the rest of the folk would talk about you. And we had a preacher who always rode his bicycle to church. He rode it everywhere, rode it to the grocery store, visit members of the church, and you never saw our preacher unless he was on his bicycle. One day, my daddy and I were walking to church and we looked up, and here came the preacher. He was walking and my dad said: “How come you’re not riding your bicycle?” The preacher said “someone stole my bike!” Dad said “Well, I’ll be [mumbles] to find out who stole it.” He said “How am I going to find out?” He says “you get up at that pulpit this morning and preach about the 10 commandments, and when you get to the eighth commandment: thou shalt not steal, shout it out real loud, then look out there at ‘em. Make sure you make eye-contact with everyone at that church, because all of a sudden you’re gonna see someone going [hides face awkwardly], and that’ll be the look of guilt and he’ll be the one with your bicycle.” The preacher said “that’s a good idea!” So, he went in and preached on the 10 commandments, he got to the 8th commandment ‘thou shalt not steal’ and he whipped right on through it, like it didn’t even belong with the rest of them. And after church, my dad said “how come when you got to the 8th commandment, ‘thou shalt not steal’ you didn’t slow down at all?”He said “because when I got to the seventh commandment, thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle!”
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| 7/25/2017 10:22:05 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A wealthy business executive often flew coast to coast on business.
He started having a secret affair with a woman on the opposite coast.
One night, the woman confided in him, that she had gotten pregnant from him.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation, his marriage, or experience a very costly divorce,
he promised that he would pay her $35,000 to cover birthing hospital expenses,
if she wouldn't tell his wife.
Furthermore, if she stayed silent about it, he would also provide $3,000 each month for child support, until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card,
and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then mail the $35,000 and arrange for the monthly child support payments to begin.
One day, about eight months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said, “You received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,” he replied.
The wife obliged, and watched her husband, as he read the card.
He turned totally white and collapsed on the couch.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. One with meatballs. Two without.
Send lots of extra sauce !"
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| 8/3/2017 6:58:23 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."
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| 8/13/2017 6:06:13 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
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| 8/14/2017 1:38:26 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 12 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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