| 8/7/2017 7:08:02 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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tearsofdiamondz
Antwerp
Belgium
22, joined Jul. 2017
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Here are some thoughts for discussion for those who can read anything longer than a headline. 
besides being Courtney Love's mom  
WHICH ONE, OR COMBINATION, HAVE YOU BROKEN UP FOR?
________________________
Breaking up is the worst — not even because it makes you sad and regretful and all that, but because deciding to part ways takes so much mental and emotional energy.
So here's a framework that can help make the decision a little easier. It's based on advice from Linda Carroll, a marriage therapist (and Courtney Love's mom).
Carroll appeared on an episode of the Art of Charm podcast to talk all things love and relationships and shared four reasons to leave a relationship immediately:
1. Your partner is abusive.
It doesn't matter if the abuse is physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, or financial, Carrol said. You need to leave.
2. Your partner has a character disorder that manifests in lying and jealousy.
Carrol specified that this is only a red flag if "it's constant — it's not just a bad moment."
3. You've done all you can do and it's just not working.
"It doesn't mean that somebody's bad," Carrol said. "Maybe you got together because you were needy or you didn't choose well." Or maybe, she added, what worked for you at age 22 doesn't work for you at age 40.
4. You just know, 'deep in your gut.'
When you "just know" you need to call it quits, Carrol said, it's not a "panicky" feeling.
It's not that intense feeling of "I can't stand this person!" that you get when they're chewing too loudly. It's also not that dramatic feeling of "I'd rather be single!" that arises when they tell the same story for the billionth time.
"You know, for your own reasons, that you really are done," Carrol said. "It probably less to do with the other person than with you."
AND THE REASON TO STAY  
Carrol also shared one very bad reason to leave a relationship: Your partner is an ordinary person.
If you don't feel madly in love every day, or if the things that made you fall in love are now annoying you, that's not a definite sign that you should break up.
In fact, other relationship experts seem to agree that sometimes being miserable, bored, frustrated, and/or angry is part of the deal when you get married. (The same logic probably applies to long-term relationships, too.)
As one marriage educator put it, "There will be times when one or both [people in a relationship] want out and can barely stand the sight of each other."
Bottom line — and we know this is annoying — no one can make the breakup decision for you.
-----------------
I filed for divorce for #3 & #4.
[Edited 8/7/2017 7:09:14 AM ]
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| 8/7/2017 7:11:36 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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stanleyzee
Dayton, OH
60, joined Dec. 2012
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Z
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| 8/7/2017 7:33:26 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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_purdibirdi_
Nice
France
51, joined Apr. 2014
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Tech,
I think those reasons can also be applied to friendships, as well, not just marriages-- but any relationship that has induced "emotional" intimacy. People change and our feelings towards our relationships with others can change for a number of reasons... in so making one feel as if #3,#4 are the only alternatives. Especially, if a barrier of communication has formed. It's kinda the way life happens I suppose-- as we are always growing, getting older, and always evolving we loose some relationships; yet, all the while forming NEW ones.
Life is always in a stage of, "constant change" and many times we may continue to hold on far longer than we should.
[Edited 8/7/2017 7:34:39 AM ]
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| 8/7/2017 7:38:02 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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tearsofdiamondz
Antwerp
Belgium
22, joined Jul. 2017
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tech posted?
The author puts a statement at each point that many problems can be worked out if BOTH people are willing.
Yes, I believe communication is the most important aspect of every relationship we have, family, friends, work, romance, etc.
It seems like there need to be basic life lessons in how to communicate well -- I'm not sure by who....
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| 8/7/2017 7:47:01 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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_purdibirdi_
Nice
France
51, joined Apr. 2014
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It's early, Brenda... my eyes weren't fully opened with my readers on
*Tears
(scampering off to the kitchen for some coffee )
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| 8/7/2017 7:50:46 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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tearsofdiamondz
Antwerp
Belgium
22, joined Jul. 2017
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ok.  I just wondered because some people I have had blocked have posted on threads I make.
I never slept. My eyes are wide open 
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| 8/7/2017 8:00:35 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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(Before considering ending an established relationship try any and all alternative measures to salvage the union.)
[When all else fails ~~ try agreed separation first.]
GOOD
• physical/psychological/verbal abuse
• marital infidelity
• any issue damaging to a child
• Heather is the "other woman"
BAD
• Economy
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| 8/7/2017 8:05:30 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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sadlsticsienna
AñatuyaNew South Wales
Australia
24, joined Jan. 2016
online now!
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Broken up or not dated due to too much arguing/disagreements
and issues we could not sort out
and differences
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| 8/7/2017 8:11:42 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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_purdibirdi_
Nice
France
51, joined Apr. 2014
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(Before considering ending an established relationship try any and all alternative measures to salvage the union.)
I think most peeps try to do ^^this..., but what is the point of holding on to something that just can't seem to be salvaged or re-gained? I mean a person can only give so much... until they realize it's futile to continue trying. Letting go and moving on hopefully--while things are still positive(but I would think by this stage most relationships are past this possibility) is really the only alternative, is it not? I think most of us do #3 & 4 after "already" exhausting all other alternatives.
[Edited 8/7/2017 8:12:40 AM ]
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| 8/7/2017 8:18:45 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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easttowest72
Bremen, GA
45, joined Sep. 2014
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A lot of people hide things about themselves. You keep trying to get back the person you once knew. It never works. My ex told me he had changed. After 20 years I thought he might have matured and telling the truth 
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| 8/7/2017 8:33:02 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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@ Purdi--- (example only)
If, for instance, I am as I claim to be -- honest & truthful and committed to a one-to-one relationship -- then an emotional attachment is an easy assumption to reach -- and I saw (felt) there were issues of discontent arising in my relationship wouldn't you agree that it is encumbant upon the two parties to practiced the vows they swore to before God: 'for better or worse'? If one partner doesn't give as much as their equal share would imply it is right for the other partner to try harder than a 50/50 share to reconcile the issues.
If I had told a partner 9 years ago that 'I won't let go; I will fight for what I love.' Wouldn't I be less than honest and truthful to my own core values if I didn't do what I said I would, not matter how much time has elapsed?
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| 8/7/2017 8:39:17 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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A lot of people hide things about themselves. You keep trying to get back the person you once knew. It never works. My ex told me he had changed. After 20 years I thought he might have matured and telling the truth
E2W -- would you take a shower, oil, powder & perfume your bod and put on a dirty pair of underwear?
People change over time -- especially spouses -- it's impertive to absorb these changes into one's own character in order to keep the live alive and the relationship strong.
Haven't you ever looked at pics of couples who have been together 50-60 years? They look alike. They talk and understand without words.
They have become one. That is what it's all about. 
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| 8/7/2017 8:45:40 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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_purdibirdi_
Nice
France
51, joined Apr. 2014
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Cup- I'm not disputing that/for you be true to yourself. I just simply stated that for many, #3 & 4 is the only alternative-after exhausting all other options. Where did I say anything about not being true to oneself? Everybody's relationships are not so cut and dried. Many of us stay for longer than we should in poor relationships or relationships that have become stagnant, burdensome, or violent for all the wrong reasons. ie. children, finances, or fear of loneliness etc. Many people DO try, to no avail, to make a fledgling relationship WORK! But after so long.... of it STILL not working-- One has to move the fuq along! That, too, can also be one being "true" to one's self.
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| 8/7/2017 8:52:07 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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Purdi~~When vows are declared before God there is no "for me" included. Know why?
Because with only one there is no relationship.
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| 8/7/2017 9:51:56 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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_purdibirdi_
Nice
France
51, joined Apr. 2014
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Purdi~~When vows are declared before God there is no "for me" included. Know why?
Because with only one there is no relationship.
And you think I didn't think like that, at one time? I most certainly did! However, my Exhusband f**ked my best friend, swindled our franchise business', filed divorce papers/restraining order, froze all assets and left me literally homeless on the curb destitute & penniless! yet, the worst of it was: how I couldn't SEE/speak to any of my 5 children for nearly 6months! and Why?! (my best friend at the time, was a divorce attorney and they both plotted this chit). Ohhhhh, but-Yah! at one time I thought like you--!! Hell, even as I was getting F**KED in the worst way possible, My dumbass for one split moment of a second-- thought, I could try and make the marriage work for the children! Yes!! how fuq'n stupit was that?!!
Seriously...!!?!! So please, don't try and preach to me as if I was/were more of a "me, me, me-" person when it came to my cutting lose of my f**ked-up Exhusband and that of my f**ked-up friendship with an opportunistic C*nt- who in hand, was telling me how bad my Exhusband was for ME- all the while, she had been f**king/pillow talking him for herself! Nah, I'll continue to think my "Moving the fuq along" was the best solution. My kids were f**ked-up enough by our horrific divorce... So, I don't dare to imagine how much MORE f**ked-up they/I might of been.. if I had "STAYED" any longer according to "your," until death do apart, preaching's.
Think/preach what/as you like... Cup. and I'll continue to, inherently, KNOW that my "moving the fuq Along" in these two debacle of relationships- was indeed; no doubt, the best action.
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| 8/7/2017 11:28:29 AM |
4 good + 1 bad reason to leave a relationship |
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driver406
Saint Paul, MN
65, joined Oct. 2009
online now!
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At 22 I'm sure you gave it a good shot, OP! Did it even last a year?
Joan and Michele were both #1. I was too clueless to realize it. #3 applied as well. You just can't please a woman who refuses to be pleased. To an extent #4 applied too. I wasn't half the a**hole they claimed I was.
Never seemed to find anything other than verbally abusive women. And they would say they didn't want to act that way (Not as the holiest daughter of the Lord God! ) but they said I forced them to act that way so their sins were all MY fault.
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