| 8/23/2012 2:47:38 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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4nurse
Dahlgren, IL
40, joined Aug. 2010
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Its been 2years since my husbansd passed away and I still feel like people look at me differently. I do have four boys I m raising alone but that dosent make me a charity case, dont get me wrong at first I appreciated the help but not it just annoys me.
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| 8/23/2012 6:35:08 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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iminarut
Westboro, WI
55, joined Sep. 2010
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Oh yes...most times they have no idea how irritating it is. Anyone who knew you when your husband passed will see you different forever...not that it's a bad thing, they just know you have had a huge loss and things are different now. Some will never get the idea that we can heal and keep moving forward in time and will always treat you as if it were just yesterday. You will find a way to accept the help, learn to brush off the feeling of being annoyed and after a while it will eventually slow down and become just a part of your new life. We can't change what other people do to or for us, we can only try to find a way to deal with it.
Best of luck to you,
Bryan
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| 8/24/2012 7:33:45 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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lawnpro979
Bellville, TX
56, joined Apr. 2011
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You Know..... I'm so glad you posted......
My wife and I were memebrs of a Church for about 12 years. we were semi active. we had bible study every friday night. " A pot luck type of servings at one of the bibles studys members home each friday "
in the 12 years I can onl rememebr about 5 times we missed going. after she got sick with Cancer. many people never even talked to us. we were totaly excluded from bible study. and we felt very unwelcome at Church. NOw after she's gone NOONE has ever called me from the Church. nor even envited me back to Church. they didn't even call to say I'm sorry.....
And Yes. I see some of them around town and they act like I have done something wrong to them. or they may catch something from me.
I sold our home and moved to the other side of town, these people really dont know me here. but when thye find out I am widowed. it's again,,,, LIKE they are afraid they may catch somethign from me....
I JUST DONT GET IT.....
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| 8/24/2012 8:18:42 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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dianatesch
Oconomowoc, WI
57, joined Aug. 2012
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You bet. Those that realize there not getting anything forgot you and those that are still trying have weeded their calls down to once a month. Just to check!
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| 8/24/2012 8:52:46 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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whistlerblue
Lancaster, CA
60, joined Jun. 2010
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My wife and I were memebrs of a Church for about 12 years. we were semi active. we had bible study every friday night. " A pot luck type of servings at one of the bibles studys members home each friday "
in the 12 years I can onl rememebr about 5 times we missed going. after she got sick with Cancer. many people never even talked to us. we were totaly excluded from bible study. and we felt very unwelcome at Church. NOw after she's gone NOONE has ever called me from the Church. nor even envited me back to Church. they didn't even call to say I'm sorry.....
I JUST DONT GET IT.....
I don't get it either. We were very active in our church also for a number of years. Our former pastor always told us to always check everything out, even if it comes from the pulpit. When he passed, a new pastor came in with a different focus that we were unfamiliar with. When we asked an honest question about it, the "elders" told us, "You don't question this man! You take his word for it!" We left the church shortly thereafter and were ostracized by many of our former friends.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of deception going on in a lot of churches. Many, not all, say one thing and do another. Many, not all, churches are only active one day a week and the congregation is only active one day a week. The other six days, it is very difficult to separate the Christians from the rest of the world.
I'm sure there are some very good churches/congregations out there. It will be tough to find one of them. We were hurt so badly, that I doubt that I will ever be able to trust church leadership again.
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| 8/25/2012 12:55:33 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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justmenow51
Lake Havasu City, AZ
56, joined Aug. 2012
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The worst treatment has been from my husbands family.
They blame me for his death.
I've been "removed" from the family. A reunion was held a few months after he died and I wasn't invited.
The worst part is the complete BS from the family members who don't know me. The lies they say to make themselves look good.
It's not my fault he died.
He refused to see a doctor. I'm a nurse and he wouldn't listen to me so what do you do? Haul his a** in to the doctor against his will?
When the heart attack hit I saw what was happening and pushed him in my car and rushed to the hospital. His last words to me in the car was "I'm not going to make it".
We live 3 minutes to the hospital. He died in my car with staff tending to him.
They worked on him for over 2 hrs before they finally called it.
So you tell me - Is it my fault?
On the other hand, My neighbors have been wonderful.
They all understand what had been happening and they are proud of how I've moved on. They don't treat me as a charity case but I'm older and pretty independent. Plus I don't have kids at home.
I've certainly seen my friends change. Most for the better though.
Sorry for those of you having issues with the church. Of all the places that should be safe and accommodating to your needs, your church should be the last place to be negative.
I'd say its not a real church if they fail to support you in your darkest hours.
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| 8/25/2012 5:46:45 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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mr_imperfect
Philadelphia, PA
55, joined Sep. 2011
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Its been 2years since my husbansd passed away and I still feel like people look at me differently. I do have four boys I m raising alone but that dosent make me a charity case, dont get me wrong at first I appreciated the help but not it just annoys me.
The only one I experienced that from actually was my girlfriend's father.
Prior to her passing he couldn't stand me and always treated me like crap. Even in the last few weeks of her life when the doctors had all but told them it was over they tried all they knew to help beat her cancer and the cancer was winning he was still ignorant and nasty toward me whenever I came up to visit her. He even tried to ban me from coming to her funeral.
I guess he felt he had his reasons to hate me seeing how I was close to his age. His wife saw that I truly loved their daughter and that I wasn't the person he wanted to believe I was but he refused to budge in his opinions.
It wasn't until shortly after she passed that he was able to see what his wife saw and we became like best friends after that. Even almost 4 years after her passing he still calls to invite me to family get togethers.
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| 8/25/2012 7:41:31 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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justjimmy2
Arizona
Argentina
64, joined Aug. 2012
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Death effects people in different ways and people handle it in their own way. My wife was one of the best people in the world and everyone who knew her acted like they loved her. After she died they acted like she never existed all except my close friends of course.
I have good friends and a daughter who helped me through my wifes death. The rest I will never see again.
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| 8/25/2012 10:15:11 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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gentlebear1949
Apple Creek, OH
68, joined Jul. 2008
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@ justmenow,
While caring for my late parents,my sister and husband lived in the same house to help care for said parents. In 2008,her husband spent a week in the Hospital from CHF. When he came home,his health continued to decline at an alarming rate,with elephant legs due to fluid retention and no stamina. Everyone including myself,told him to get a new Dr as his present DR was an Idiot. He brushed aside our concerns,saying his health wasn't as bad as as it looked. No it wasn't,it was much worse than it looked,as he died in 2009 at 62 yrs old from CHF. Now my sister blames me for his death.... ... ... .....
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| 8/25/2012 4:24:24 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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justmenow51
Lake Havasu City, AZ
56, joined Aug. 2012
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(this post has been flagged as inappropriate, sorry.)
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| 8/25/2012 7:48:51 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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gentlebear1949
Apple Creek, OH
68, joined Jul. 2008
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@ justmenow,
What is baffliing about my late brother in law is,his Dad passed at 67 yrs old from the very same disease CHF. Yet despite knowing that,he chose to let nature take it's course. One of life's un answered questions........
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| 8/25/2012 9:38:50 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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lawnpro979
Bellville, TX
56, joined Apr. 2011
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The worst treatment has been from my husbands family.
They blame me for his death.
I've been "removed" from the family. A reunion was held a few months after he died and I wasn't invited.
The worst part is the complete BS from the family members who don't know me. The lies they say to make themselves look good.
It's not my fault he died.
He refused to see a doctor. I'm a nurse and he wouldn't listen to me so what do you do? Haul his a** in to the doctor against his will?
When the heart attack hit I saw what was happening and pushed him in my car and rushed to the hospital. His last words to me in the car was "I'm not going to make it".
We live 3 minutes to the hospital. He died in my car with staff tending to him.
They worked on him for over 2 hrs before they finally called it.
So you tell me - Is it my fault?
On the other hand, My neighbors have been wonderful.
They all understand what had been happening and they are proud of how I've moved on. They don't treat me as a charity case but I'm older and pretty independent. Plus I don't have kids at home.
I've certainly seen my friends change. Most for the better though.
Sorry for those of you having issues with the church. Of all the places that should be safe and accommodating to your needs, your church should be the last place to be negative.
I'd say its not a real church if they fail to support you in your darkest hours.
you know, I felt that the Church needed someone to Blame, and they picked me. I dont know why I felt this way, But I let some of the people talk rudly to me, and I let it go.
Like the other post, I really feel poorly about Church now. and some of the people who have blamed me, I hope I never see them again. even if they do come to there sences I hope they dont even call me to say there sorry.
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| 8/26/2012 12:13:06 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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justmenow51
Lake Havasu City, AZ
56, joined Aug. 2012
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you know, I felt that the Church needed someone to Blame, and they picked me. I dont know why I felt this way, But I let some of the people talk rudly to me, and I let it go.
Like the other post, I really feel poorly about Church now. and some of the people who have blamed me, I hope I never see them again. even if they do come to there sences I hope they dont even call me to say there sorry.
Thats really sad. The church is where you should feel safe, not judged.
We have no control over other peoples actions and feeling - only over our own.
Now you need to do what's right for you and if that means forming new friends then so be it. Even joining a new church if that's what you need. It's obvious the one you're in now is not a good one.
Lets face it, churches are made up of people and if there are bad people in it then it's a bad church. The leader of that church is not doing their job. What happened to compassion and forgiveness?
I think life is too short to associate with negative nasty people. I don't care if they are family, friends or associates - get rid of them.
Delete them out of your smart phones, take them off your Christmas card list, forget their birthday's and anniversaries. It's not worth the headache.
Surround yourself with positive people who stimulate your desire to live.
I used to make excuses for the way people behaved or spoke to me. Now I take it at face value. I don't care if you've had a bad day - I'm not your punching bag!
I'm having a happy day and I want to keep it that way!
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| 9/1/2012 3:23:22 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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lionsmom2
Danville, KY
48, joined Oct. 2011
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Not only have I been treated differently but my daughters have been as well. My husband died 4 years ago and in the beginning I did everything I could to keep the connection with my husbands family. After a period of time I got tired of making all the effort. When I stopped they never attempted to try and contact us. The only time my girls saw them was at Christmas when I guess they felt guilty and would invite us to their family get together. I did not let my personal feelings interfere and I would let my daughters decide if they wanted to go and I would take them. The most recent disappointment was when my father in law never took the time to even acknowledge my daughters graduation from high school. I sat at her graduation and watched her scanning the crowd to see if she could find any of her fathers family. As a mother it hurts to see your child have her heart broken. As an adult I can handle it better than my children can even if it is difficult to do.
I have also experienced being treated differently by people I know socially. Strange how being a widow turns you into a social outcast. I have been treated differently than someone who was divorced. The lady who was divorced was accepted with open arms and I was treated like I had some deadly disease they were going to catch. I guess the worst thing I experienced was when I was asked if I had anything to do with my husbands death. It hurt in the beginning but I finally came to the realization it was them and their ignorance and not me.
These days I choose to surround myself with people who love and care about not only me but my children as well. Of course my daughters are almost grown and they are choosing to do the same thing in their lives.
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| 9/1/2012 8:35:05 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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monicaj39
Burnsville, MN
78, joined Aug. 2012
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I know exactly what your all saying... My kids don't seem to care if I am lonely.. When I bring it up they change the subject.. I don't hear from them very much.. Sigh
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| 9/1/2012 11:17:37 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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I was just thinking about that the other day...how people have this idea that since you got this nice long life with your spouse, that it shouldn't be that big a deal when he dies. You should have been expecting it, and thankful that you got the time.
Kind of like "You're old, that's what's supposed to happen, now let's talk about me."
Maybe it's partly that younger people have this idea that feelings are their domain. Remember when you were sure your parents or anyone over 30, for that matter, didn't have sex because they were too old? Maybe it's the same idea, they think feelings ebb away as you age?
****
My husband's family have pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, too. I found a letter my daughter wrote in a class to her older half brother asking what she did wrong to have not heard from him. She asked for forgiveness for something she thought she must have said. She was 8, her brothers are in their 30's.
When their father died, one of them sent me an email expressing his sadness that she'd not get to grow up with the wonderful father he got to. I replied, thanking him and saying that at least she'd get to hear stories about him through her brothers and they could keep him alive for her.
That was the last I ever heard from him.
I don't hear from his siblings, either. Though they were all about the "keeping in touch" speeches.
I email or leave messages or send cards and it's as if they drop into a black hole. I don't bother any more.
But it breaks my heart that she waits to hear from them.
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| 9/1/2012 11:23:01 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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clearmoon24
Evansville, IN
48, joined Jul. 2012
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I lost my husband over a year ago! Life seems so empty for me without him around. I have lost most of my friends since his death. I'm here to see what is out there in the dating world.
Is there any honest and faithful gentlemen out there on the world? Please let me know!!!
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| 9/2/2012 3:51:34 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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justmenow51
Lake Havasu City, AZ
56, joined Aug. 2012
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I lost my husband over a year ago! Life seems so empty for me without him around. I have lost most of my friends since his death. I'm here to see what is out there in the dating world.
Is there any honest and faithful gentlemen out there on the world? Please let me know!!!
I'm sorry for your loss.
As for the dating.
Trust your gut and go real slow. There are a lot of scammers, and wolves in sheep's clothing. If it seems to good to be true - it is.
There are just as many gold digging men as there are women out there.
I don't mean to sound negative about the dating world but a large percentage of men on dating sites are damaged or they are predators.
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| 9/19/2012 6:11:46 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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24milkduds
Vallejo, CA
58, joined Mar. 2012
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Yes..they seem to be afraid if I'll breakdown crying..sometimes I do when they go on and on talking about my late husband..it gets to personal..life is stressfull enough with the loss, starting over and trying to regain your independence..for me it's hit or miss!
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| 9/27/2012 1:22:21 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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blueshortcake2
Nicholasville, KY
75, joined Sep. 2008
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Most definitely.
Those not close to me kept asking if I had found anyone to replace my husband. All I could think was "Huh? He was my husband not a farm animal".
Those who were my "friends" distanced themselves. It made some uncomfortable, for the women it seemed they thought I was a threat to their marriages. Many of the men ...well what can I say? Some were nice others not.
Relatives seemed to peer at me as if I was a specimen and needed to treated with kid gloves.
My dearest friends were there for me, as was my daughter. Without them, I would have been lost.
After ten years I came back to rejoin the living only to find I was so and so's widow, mother, or sister or brother. I had no other definition. Seems my identity was gone.
Now who am I?????????? A person who has survived. A person who has learned to take care of herself, knows who she is and stands up for herself. A much stronger person who is ready to move on in my own right.
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| 9/27/2012 3:06:13 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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suepur
Newburgh, IN
68, joined Sep. 2012
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I am different. My husbands sudden death changed me. Years ago I was divorced and it is about the same. Your single now, grab your husband  . You have to treat yourself well and ignore the ignorant because they haven't walked in your shoes. Everyone thinks they know how you feel., I was once that foolish , but the do t and they can't help it. My guy died of a brain aneurysm and I felt his family blamed me at times, but I think now I was just a "walking wounded". No one can really help
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| 10/3/2012 10:39:53 PM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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morame1980
Abilene, TX
37, joined Sep. 2012
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Its been 20 months since my husband was killed.. At the time our babies were 11,6 and 2 weeks old.. Talk about feeling like a charity case.. I appreciate the help and guidance but I was kinda stuck in a cloud the first year, I still took care of my children and worked but I wasn't showing them the affection I always had and let them get away with a lot becuz they were grieving.. So for the last almost year I've been trying to fix my "mistakes" and figure out how to be this normal family again so I'm either looked at like its been almost 2 yrs, why can't she get "over" it or if I'm being my happy go lucky self and smiling then I'm wrong for that too..its all about making sure my babies r ok...
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| 10/9/2012 1:15:01 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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preaciousmomma
Tulsa, OK
33, joined Jan. 2012
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I am widow for 6 yrs know I've tried darting a couple years after he passed it wasn't easy I've got 3 kids know one by Him, one by someone who fled, n one I knew for like 15 yrs n had to get a protective order against I've not been married to anyone I've had my xtra hardships when deppressed n was left with 3 Beutifull/Handsome kids! If it wasnt for me Praying n asking God for his help I have no idea where is be today! I thank God for everyday the battles that helped me become stronger my Loving Kids he blessed me with. My Husbands side of Family I rarely talk to usually just during the Fair! This Fair after 6 yrs. they r actually wanting to spend some time with my Daughter by my Husband I'm so glad they r cause she started believing that she was also part of y her Dad passed n not just me even tho I admittedly started CPR PRocedure with me on the phone with 911 helping me n guidding me to what all to do till the Emsa n fire men got there I still remeber to this day that I didn't n wouldn't let up till one item said I'm commin in as soon as you raise Ur hands mine ill be under sure enough I felt like I was one of them like I new how to slid n left someone else n n take over yet I'm still Thankfull to this day for God being with me n helping me my Mom got into trouble as soon as they got there by one of the head guys cause I kept screaming at her to get my Daughter out n not let her see me n him she was 2 n still remebers it yet can't explain it like she did then. Yet I'm Glad to here her ask me how things happen n my words that day n helps her fill safe to know that she can ask me anything n know Mommy will help her anytime. She helps me out as well if it wasn't for my Daughter I have no idea what would ove happen n how is be today! I still get treated different everyday n I just look n smile n act as if it don't bother me n @ the end of the day I pray for all who did n fill much better that not only at those times I prayed n asked God for help yet at end of day n fill better since pray forem.
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| 10/9/2012 2:13:38 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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speardane
Williamsport, PA
70, joined Aug. 2010
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Isn't it interesting how they treat you like a pariah. Like some one who is sick. A lot of our friends wouldn't even come and say good buy. All I can say it's there loss so be it..
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| 10/30/2012 1:14:40 AM |
Does anyone else feel like people treat yoy different since your spous |
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companion7
Lyman, SC
52, joined Apr. 2007
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YES! It's been over 4 1/2 yrs and they still do. I'll take the warmth of a northern Italian over southern hospitality any day. I can't believe the common experiences I have had with people on this forum. What the heck is wrong with people, including the southern born again Christian?
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