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Never take advice from a man
by dandruff at 3/14/2017 3:00:49 AM

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked ou...

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I have no self respect or confidence at all:
by dandruff at 3/14/2017 2:18:14 AM

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof." "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the ele...

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You are blonde and on a bus
by dandruff at 3/8/2017 7:31:06 PM

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the b...

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Men are just happier people
by dandruff at 3/8/2017 7:29:43 PM

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzi...

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How do you annoy an archaeologist?
by dandruff at 3/4/2017 8:45:25 PM

Give him a tampon and ask what period it came from.

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A nun was walking home one evening
by dandruff at 3/4/2017 8:44:16 PM

A nun was walking home one evening when a man came up from behind and hauled her into the woods. He quickly pulled off her clothes and had his way with her. Looking quite pleased, he looked at her and...

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The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
by dandruff at 3/1/2017 7:08:50 PM

"Hello, this is Derby secondary," answers the principal. "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" "We are all go...

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Everything I learned, I learned from Noah's Ark
by dandruff at 3/1/2017 7:07:05 PM

ONE: Don't miss the boat. TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat! THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask ...

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The Laws Of Computer Programming
by dandruff at 2/25/2017 7:51:02 PM

1.Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2.Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. 3.If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4.If a program is useless,...

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A clown retires
by dandruff at 2/25/2017 7:46:17 PM

A clown retires and decides to hand over the business to his son. His son says: "I dunno, Dad, those are big shoes to fill."

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I love food...!
by dandruff at 2/20/2017 11:18:18 PM

I could eat every day if I had to

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Met a pretty girl last night and asked for her number
by dandruff at 2/20/2017 11:16:54 PM

Met a pretty girl last night and asked for her number, she said "it's in the book". I said "great! What's your name?" She said "that's in the book, too."

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Definition of a sadist...
by dandruff at 2/19/2017 4:20:39 PM

someone who's kind to a masochist

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In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants
by dandruff at 2/19/2017 4:19:45 PM

Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as *Gasp! Koff! Koff! AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. *THUD*::signh...

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Wanna know how to come home from Vegas...
by dandruff at 2/18/2017 2:25:04 PM

Wanna know how to come home from Vegas with a small fortune? Go there with a big fortune.

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Mom had a unique way to get me to eat my vegetables.
by dandruff at 2/18/2017 2:23:55 PM

She said if I didn't eat everything on my plate she'd send me to bed without any supper. I was so dumb it worked.

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The psychic down the street from me
by dandruff at 2/16/2017 10:18:09 PM

The psychic down the street from me went out of business. She should've known.

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I've read where most birthdays are in late Aug or early Sept,
by dandruff at 2/16/2017 10:17:12 PM

I've read where most birthdays are in late Aug or early Sept, so most parents were a couple of drunken slobs at a New Year's Eve party

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There's only 1 reason we're all here tonight...
by dandruff at 2/14/2017 11:25:46 PM

Gravity

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Where does virgin wool come from?
by dandruff at 2/14/2017 11:24:57 PM

shy sheep?

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Two tons of human hair was stolen from a wig factory.
by dandruff at 2/8/2017 1:08:05 PM

The police said they were combing the area.

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Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket
by dandruff at 2/8/2017 1:06:23 PM

Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the policeman he looked stunning. Then I messed it up by saying, "and that's not the drink talking either"

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I was having trouble sleeping,
by dandruff at 2/5/2017 10:24:18 PM

I was having trouble sleeping, so my doctor suggested alcohol. I said "will that help me sleep"? He said "no, but you wont mind being awake."

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On a diet?
by dandruff at 2/5/2017 12:26:19 AM

Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there, sorry...

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Last time I went skating
by dandruff at 2/3/2017 8:30:54 PM

Last time I went skating I had a little problem with my rental skates... Somebody went and put wheels on 'em. You might say I skated for hours on end.

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not all men are expert marksman
by dandruff at 2/1/2017 8:43:47 PM

especially when it comes to the toilet bowl

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If women want to wear those really short shorts,
by dandruff at 2/1/2017 8:40:50 PM

I'm behind them every step of the way.

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I had a huge argument
by dandruff at 1/26/2017 3:11:48 AM

I had a huge argument with the manager of my local Pappa-John's restaurant. I gave him a pizza my mind! Yeah, that stinks...

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When you think about it,
by dandruff at 1/22/2017 7:01:47 PM

When you think about it, Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how good his mother cooked. ::idontknow:...

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An Elderly couple
by dandruff at 1/22/2017 6:58:13 PM

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walk...

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"what am i supposed to do with this?"
by dandruff at 1/6/2017 9:49:15 PM

"what am i supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation. "keep it," the clerk advises, "when you get four of them, you get a bic...

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A 70-year-old man has never been married.
by dandruff at 1/6/2017 9:46:44 PM

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Spain for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was i...

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Last night
by dandruff at 1/4/2017 10:22:21 PM

Last night my wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne!

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One sunny day in 2018
by dandruff at 12/30/2016 7:51:12 PM

One sunny day in 2018, an elderly man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard. "I would like to go i...

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An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward
by dandruff at 12/30/2016 7:46:47 PM

An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, which he'd injured on a hay baler. The doctor carrying out the suturing procedure struck up a conversation with the old ma...

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An older couple is lying in bed one morning,
by dandruff at 12/28/2016 8:16:46 PM

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'...

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This a conversation between a man and his wife.
by dandruff at 12/26/2016 1:21:38 PM

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this...

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This a conversation between a man and his wife.
by dandruff at 12/26/2016 2:17:59 AM

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this...

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Quantus Airlines: Repair Division
by dandruff at 11/26/2016 10:07:33 PM

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which...

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The pickle jar
by dandruff at 11/25/2016 9:16:00 PM

The pickle jar as far back as I can remember sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parents' bedroom. When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar. As a s...

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Parish Visit
by dandruff at 11/23/2016 7:23:08 PM

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a b...

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods
by dandruff at 11/6/2016 8:27:54 PM

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.. How's the golf?" Woods r...

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*Newsflash* Snoopy's quitting the comic strips!
by dandruff at 11/4/2016 9:02:52 PM

He's tired of working for peanuts! sorry...

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Grandfathers don’t know everything!
by dandruff at 10/15/2016 2:01:05 PM

Hunter was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , “Grandpa, what’s that called when two...

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From a sign in a New York bookstore:
by dandruff at 10/15/2016 2:49:09 AM

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal...

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Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
by dandruff at 10/10/2016 3:40:16 PM

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?' Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm to...

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Montreal University and scientists
by dandruff at 10/8/2016 9:02:32 PM

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumpti...

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Old programmers never die...
by dandruff at 10/6/2016 11:54:31 AM

They just don't 'C' so good. ... They just branch to a new address. They just lose their memory.

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The economy is so bad
by dandruff at 10/5/2016 8:36:35 PM

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" ...

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my girlfriend told me...
by dandruff at 10/4/2016 2:11:09 PM

"you can be replaced by a machine, yuh know."

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There was this virgin
by dandruff at 9/25/2016 9:14:07 PM

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going t...

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So I got in an argument
by dandruff at 7/10/2016 8:05:10 PM

So I got in an argument with the manager of the local Sav-A-Lot and could get nowhere, so what I did was I took an empty box of Cocoa Puffs, filled it with rabbit droppings and took it to Sav-A-Lot an...

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Yesterday I picked up my 5 year old son from school.
by dandruff at 7/7/2016 9:42:41 PM

When we got home my wife looked at me with tears in her eyes. She told me I was not the father of this little boy. Then she told me to take him back and this time get our son.

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Last Saturday afternoon
by dandruff at 6/5/2016 6:02:22 AM

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington . He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be ...

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What do you get...
by dandruff at 5/21/2016 8:42:47 PM

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway, sorry...

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I yam Irish so I getta pass on this joke
by dandruff at 5/20/2016 9:20:59 PM

An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman... The Englishman says: "My wife was cleaning out our daughters room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes.We didn't even know she smoked." The Sco...

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When I was a child I was told "anybody could be president"
by dandruff at 5/18/2016 10:12:20 PM

Now I believe it

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I had a dream last night
by dandruff at 5/17/2016 1:49:20 AM

It featured Penny (Kelly Coocoo from The Big Bang Theory) and me. Um...yeah, it was one of those dreams, if you want to know, PM me and we'll talk Otherwise, I've had a hundred dreams about ...

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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
by dandruff at 5/15/2016 6:00:57 PM

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. You know that tin...

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When you're 70...
by dandruff at 5/15/2016 2:15:33 PM

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta...

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Had a dream last night
by dandruff at 5/9/2016 10:59:43 AM

Had a dream last night about The Big Bang Theory which gets a big fat A in the "what was that" department. It appears that the nine of us (Pennty, Bernie, Amy, Emily (Roj's girlfriend), the f*g (Sheld...

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naw, too cute
by dandruff at 5/8/2016 1:19:48 PM

So I went to momma bear's church this am and around time for the homily (sermon) my mom started fanning herself, I saw her, grabbed a missalette and started fanning her, there was a little boy a few r...

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Mother's Day is the biggest scam!
by dandruff at 5/7/2016 9:22:30 PM

I mean, all these people who've called me "mother" my whole life, where are they now?

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Great new drink!
by dandruff at 4/23/2016 9:24:12 PM

I mix milk of magnesia with orange juice and vodka, it's called a Phillip's Screwdriver!

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Phone sex
by dandruff at 4/16/2016 10:19:37 PM

Don't have phone sex or you may get hearing Aids, sorry...

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25 signs you have grown up
by dandruff at 4/15/2016 9:03:36 PM

25 signs you have grown up 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. ...

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"Who will help me plant my wheat?"
by dandruff at 3/30/2016 10:05:30 PM

"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself." She pl...

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While visiting a country school
by dandruff at 3/24/2016 10:20:43 PM

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of t...

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Tomorrow's Ash Wednesday.
by dandruff at 3/22/2016 8:18:03 PM

Takes me back to my childhood, we had one sadistic priest, he put out his cigarettes on our foreheads.

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Got back from the State Theatre
by dandruff at 3/16/2016 9:57:35 PM

Got back from the State Theatre to see a band called The Screaming Bucket Of Goat Cheese, er, um...10 Strings And A Goat Skin, and I'm not saying they we're bad but for the first time in my 46 years, ...

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It's like my dad always said,
by dandruff at 3/15/2016 4:42:30 PM

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you, cry, and I'll give you reason to cry, you little pansy!"

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I bought a bottle of wine yesterday
by dandruff at 3/10/2016 4:10:18 PM

I bought a bottle of wine yesterday and the label on the back read, 'Usually drunk with pizza.' I thought, "What a coincidence, so am I."

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Great truths
by dandruff at 3/8/2016 3:01:20 PM

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams 2. If you don't read the newspaper you ...

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And I, if elected,
by dandruff at 3/5/2016 9:52:29 PM

And I, if elected, will find a way to satisfy both left minded and right minded people. Abortion will still be legal but there will be a 10 month waiting list that your name cannot be placed on the li...

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caring child
by dandruff at 3/5/2016 12:09:14 AM

Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elde...

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An old cowboy
by dandruff at 3/4/2016 4:37:52 PM

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized the dog beside...

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When I was a child,
by dandruff at 3/3/2016 10:28:20 PM

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn't please any of th...

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What do you make?
by dandruff at 3/1/2016 9:35:15 PM

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his bes...

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Walk with me by the water
by dandruff at 2/29/2016 3:27:10 AM

WALK WITH ME BY THE WATER Aged and slow are the steps I take, to the lake where the water flows free. Humbled am I, by the quiet beauty, that God has blessed and given me. Through the ye...

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There was a little boy and a little girl
by dandruff at 2/27/2016 8:43:00 PM

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

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Saying Grace In A Restaurant
by dandruff at 2/22/2016 4:52:10 PM

Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even th...

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Adolf Hitler
by dandruff at 2/22/2016 4:50:16 PM

Adolf Hitler was in a radio tower with the radio operator, he's about to say something motivating to his people. Hitler, not knowing exactly what he should say, asked the radio operator, "I want to do...

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A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
by dandruff at 2/19/2016 4:05:34 PM

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes....

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I went to the store the other day.
by dandruff at 2/17/2016 8:15:44 PM

I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ig...

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There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
by dandruff at 2/14/2016 8:32:24 PM

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went ...

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Does it bother anybody else that Valentine's Day's initials are VD?
by dandruff at 2/14/2016 2:59:21 PM



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Got done working out and said "I feel like a new man"
by dandruff at 2/12/2016 4:11:55 PM

My girlfriend said "so do I get lost."

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Steven Wright
by dandruff at 2/11/2016 9:59:28 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWAfRk5eYEU

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A woman walks into a sporting-goods store
by dandruff at 2/10/2016 7:52:03 PM

A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. "It's for my husband," she explains. "Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asks the salesman. ...

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My self esteem
by dandruff at 2/6/2016 2:38:50 PM

My self esteem is so low that I wear 3 pullovers to work in the hope that one of the office girls says that I look hot.

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The big mouth from the club
by dandruff at 2/5/2016 10:12:31 PM

The big mouth from the club spread gossip about Dave...She told everyone that Dave was a drunk,because from her house she could see his pickup truck was parked in front of a bar, till late into the ni...

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Judge Roy Moore
by dandruff at 2/4/2016 2:33:51 AM

The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore from Alabama. Judge Moore was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and ...

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Daddy's Empty Chair
by dandruff at 2/3/2016 2:39:10 PM

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows An empty chair sat at h...

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There was once a blind girl
by dandruff at 2/2/2016 9:05:58 PM

There was once a blind girl who hated herself for no other reason except that she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could on...

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*News flash
by dandruff at 2/1/2016 5:38:11 PM

Two supertankers collided in the north Atlantic,earlier today.... One of them was loaded with blue paint,and the other one was carrying red paint... Both crews are missing,and are believed to b...

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Obama, Hilary and the priest
by dandruff at 1/31/2016 6:13:49 PM

An old priest lay dying in a hospital. He had served the people of the nation’s capital for many years. He motioned for the nurse to come near. “Yes father?” said the nurse. “I would really like t...

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One Flaw in Women
by dandruff at 1/30/2016 8:39:47 PM

One Flaw in Women By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.. An angel appeared and said, Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered,...

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The pope and Nancy
by dandruff at 1/29/2016 8:20:52 PM

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make e...

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I love it
by dandruff at 1/28/2016 10:25:38 PM

I love it when people come to my house, see Daisy and ask "is this your dog"? um...no, it's my neighbor's dog, I'm just holding her for ransom.

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I was only trying to help...!
by dandruff at 1/27/2016 2:20:16 PM

My girlfriend asked me if this dress made her look fat, I said "no, I think it's all the double cheeseburgers that make you look fat"

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My attention span
by dandruff at 1/27/2016 1:49:55 PM

My attention span is so bad today that my train of thought is...Hey look a butterfly!

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Hebrew School
by dandruff at 1/25/2016 2:39:03 AM

At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know." "What's that my child...

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What do you get
by dandruff at 1/23/2016 8:30:03 PM

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway, sorry...

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What am I doing wrong?
by dandruff at 1/22/2016 4:20:01 PM

What am I doing wrong? I bought a 20 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi, unscrewed the cap and it read "Please try again", so I screwed the cap on and it still read "Pleas Try Again?!" So I screwed the cap back ...

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
by dandruff at 1/21/2016 9:40:26 PM

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a wh*rehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie ...

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Money will buy a fine dog...
by dandruff at 1/19/2016 8:50:20 PM

but only kindness and love will make him wag his tail.

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The pickle jar
by dandruff at 1/13/2016 9:56:52 PM

The pickle jar as far back as I can remember sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parents' bedroom. When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar. ...

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The President goes to a bar looking for a call girl
by dandruff at 12/31/2015 5:51:23 PM

The President goes to a bar looking for a call girl, He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the brunette he said, 'I am the President of the United State...

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My New Year's resolution is to drink more liquids
by dandruff at 12/29/2015 12:28:03 PM

My New Year's resolution is to drink more liquids, cuz I'm having a terrible time drinking solids...

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A sick man
by dandruff at 12/26/2015 9:41:41 PM

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don...

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Good musicians execute their music...
by dandruff at 12/16/2015 5:42:07 PM

my band used to murder it! Our debut album wasn't released, it escaped!

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When I was 14
by dandruff at 12/15/2015 3:43:49 PM

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I d...

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Alcohol doesn't make you fat.
by dandruff at 12/12/2015 6:48:32 PM

Alcohol makes you lean! Yes Lean against tables, chairs, cars, sorry...

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The following is
by dandruff at 12/11/2015 9:39:50 PM

The following is based on a truly ridiculous story, only the names have been changed to protect the absurd. So here I yam, between jobs wearing my security uniform at the local doughnut shop when a ki...

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And in the stock market today,
by dandruff at 12/9/2015 4:39:40 PM

helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

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Can't you speak simple English?
by dandruff at 12/1/2015 5:05:04 PM

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find...

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Don't read this!
by dandruff at 12/1/2015 3:30:00 AM

This is being enforced by the honor system, if you've caught yourself reading this, please report yourself to the nearest police station, thanks and have a good day.

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When I'm bored I like to
by dandruff at 11/29/2015 8:20:24 PM

When I'm bored I like to hang out at the local airport with an empty bottle of vodka and stagger around for a while...dressed like a pilot.

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A family was on its way to the hospital
by dandruff at 11/27/2015 3:33:03 PM

A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be p...

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A policeman
by dandruff at 11/14/2015 8:42:33 PM

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crot...

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What am I doing wrong?
by dandruff at 11/5/2015 10:37:33 PM

I bought a 20 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi, unscrewed the cap and it read "Please try again", so I screwed the cap on and it still read "Pleas Try Again?!" So I screwed the cap back on it STILL read "Pleas...

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I, when elected,
by dandruff at 10/11/2015 7:26:54 PM

I, when elected, will enact the $5 law, every time you catch somebody doing something stupid they gotta pay $5. Ex: I say "I lost my car keys". Moron says:"Where'd you lose them?" Moron's gotta pay me...

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The following
by dandruff at 10/10/2015 7:35:22 PM

The following is based on a truly ridiculous story, only the names have been changed to protect the absurd. So here I yam, minding my own business, when some woman was (I guess) flirting with me. I wa...

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*Best if told by a female vooice*
by dandruff at 10/2/2015 8:25:50 PM

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed ...

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These are actual complints
by dandruff at 9/24/2015 3:44:18 PM

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I...

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When I was a kid I was told anyone could be president...
by dandruff at 9/16/2015 8:21:58 PM

now I believe it!

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Thieves broke into my house last night...
by dandruff at 9/15/2015 10:00:39 PM

all they got was practice.

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You don't get a body like this overnight...
by dandruff at 9/12/2015 9:36:33 PM

it takes years of neglect.

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A hungry lion
by dandruff at 9/12/2015 4:27:49 PM

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The li...

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Alcohol doesnt make you fat.
by dandruff at 9/4/2015 3:19:58 AM

Alcohol doesnt make you fat. Alcohol makes you lean! Yes Lean against tables, chairs, cars, sorry...

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Rules of highway safety
by dandruff at 9/3/2015 3:21:13 PM

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. ...

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51 years ago
by dandruff at 8/30/2015 3:00:51 PM

51 years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training the army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army shaved off all of his hair. ...

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It was 6 p.m.,
by dandruff at 8/29/2015 8:08:21 PM

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she...

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Gallagher
by dandruff at 8/28/2015 7:40:30 PM

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They sa...

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I like a girl with a head on her shoulders...
by dandruff at 8/27/2015 5:09:23 PM

because i don't like necks

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I got kicked outta the second grade!
by dandruff at 8/22/2015 9:16:35 PM

Teacher says "you've got to raise your hand to go to the bathroom." I said "no you don't! Watch!"

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In a survey
by dandruff at 8/20/2015 3:29:07 PM

In a survey, it was discovered that only 10% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. The same survey found that 90% of men kiss their houses goodbye when they leave their wives.::...

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Question...
by dandruff at 8/18/2015 1:39:19 PM

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism? Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting thos...

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i was gonna start a bakery,
by dandruff at 8/14/2015 8:18:36 PM

but i couldn't raise the dough

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It has been determined
by dandruff at 8/12/2015 3:53:21 PM

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

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One fine day
by dandruff at 8/11/2015 3:51:36 PM

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally w...

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Little Red Riding Hood
by dandruff at 8/11/2015 12:21:00 AM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Furt...

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*oldie time*
by dandruff at 8/8/2015 5:02:04 PM

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattract...

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Married 25 years
by dandruff at 8/7/2015 7:32:07 PM

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sl...

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~scientific study~
by dandruff at 8/5/2015 9:03:40 AM

Body: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don...

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Mah dirty socks
by dandruff at 8/4/2015 1:35:18 PM

Mah dirty socks, mah old sweat shirt, some poop stained underpants, a smelly old sweater...I love dirty talk, don't U?

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Money will buy a fine dog...
by dandruff at 8/3/2015 12:43:56 AM

but only kindness and love will make him wag his tail.

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I always take my salary to the bank!
by dandruff at 8/2/2015 6:56:44 PM

It's too little to go by itself...

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Ha, cheese...
by dandruff at 7/31/2015 8:23:48 PM

Yuh know, for years I couldn't help but laugh at my grandpa felling his dogs "go make pee pee", from everything from Chihuahuas to a German shepherd, well, now I gots a pit bull and every time I let h...

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A man has six children
by dandruff at 7/26/2015 5:35:38 AM

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. Th...

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You know your diabetic when….
by dandruff at 7/23/2015 9:50:22 PM

you’re in a room full of regular people and a vampire enters. You absolutely know that you will be last to be attacked. Why? The others are all “main course” but you’re probably going down as “desert”...

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I was in town today.
by dandruff at 7/22/2015 5:44:27 PM

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago." So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "H...

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The Journey of Man
by dandruff at 7/20/2015 9:02:58 AM

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college ...

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The minister
by dandruff at 7/19/2015 1:21:13 PM

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, ...

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I'm part Irish so I can tell this joke
by dandruff at 7/18/2015 2:06:48 PM

Two Irishmen, having lost their ship, find themselves adrift on the ocean in a small dingy. One of them notices an oil lamp floating by. In the hope that it might contain a Genie, He rubs it. To his s...

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A naked man
by dandruff at 7/17/2015 9:58:42 PM

A naked man and an elephant are facing each other. The elephant says; "Well isn't that cute, can you pickup peanuts with that thing?"

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Circle flies
by dandruff at 7/15/2015 9:53:29 PM

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his Health Plan. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to ...

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A woman
by dandruff at 7/15/2015 4:33:16 AM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of co...

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A man walks into a health food restaurant
by dandruff at 7/14/2015 9:33:39 PM

A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter...

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*Investment opportunity*
by dandruff at 7/11/2015 9:02:30 PM

I'm gonna feed my sheep a high iron diet and make a killing on steel wool! Whose with me?

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The quarter
by dandruff at 7/11/2015 3:57:46 PM

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. Whe...

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President's Day
by dandruff at 7/10/2015 3:48:23 PM

"Eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter last February, I asked her what day it was. Without hesitation she said, 'Presidents Day!' I asked her, 'So what is Presidents Day?' I expected some...

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Headlines from the year 2029
by dandruff at 7/9/2015 9:32:35 PM

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still t...

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A Blonde joke
by dandruff at 7/7/2015 9:10:17 PM

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing T.G.I.F. shoes. 'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday shoes on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize they were religiou...

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The Fairy Tale
by dandruff at 7/5/2015 2:31:38 PM

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?' Angelina Jolie agreed....

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Dora the explorer has a new muslim friend.
by dandruff at 7/5/2015 12:27:17 AM

Doda the exploder! sorry...

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Tampax have announced today
by dandruff at 7/3/2015 9:58:19 PM

Tampax have announced today that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel. Obviously, this is only for the christmas period...

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I'm part Irish so I can tell this joke
by dandruff at 7/3/2015 9:56:08 PM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year,British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network mo...

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Gots a Bible question:
by dandruff at 7/1/2015 3:17:28 PM

Mat 8:28 And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by tha...

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There once was a bear and a rabbit
by dandruff at 6/30/2015 9:09:47 PM

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said, "I wish to be the only ...

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The cops just came by my house
by dandruff at 6/30/2015 2:00:32 PM

The cops just came by my house and said my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them that was a lie, my dog can't ride a bike.

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Did you hear about
by dandruff at 6/29/2015 4:28:51 PM

Did you hear about the bear they discovered up in James bay? First it would be happy, then sad, then happy, then sad. Turns out it was a BiPolar Bear. sorry...

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yanno what I can't figure out?
by dandruff at 6/28/2015 12:03:00 AM

How can there be a movie called The NeverEnding Story....part II. When does it begin if the first one never ends?

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Can you cry under water?
by dandruff at 6/27/2015 7:05:17 PM

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, ...

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What am I doing wrong?
by dandruff at 6/26/2015 7:35:22 PM

I bought a 20 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi, unscrewed the cap and it read "Please try again", so I screwed the cap on and it still read "Pleas Try Again?!" So I screwed the cap back on it STILL read "Pleas...

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During camouflage training
by dandruff at 6/25/2015 11:43:50 PM

During camouflage training, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. “You [email protected]$$!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and ye...

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Leo Buscaglia
by dandruff at 6/24/2015 4:15:37 PM

Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elde...

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I went to zoo and I saw monkey's there
by dandruff at 6/23/2015 8:13:07 PM

I went to zoo and I saw monkey's there, when I mean a zoo, it was just not any old zoo this one was different, it was my home ...

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Don't read this!
by dandruff at 6/20/2015 8:40:04 PM

This is being enforced by the honor system, if you've caught yourself reading this, please report yourself to the nearest police station, thanks and have a good day.

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Why did Noah go to College?
by dandruff at 6/20/2015 2:26:02 AM

To become an Ark-itect, sorry

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The nurse smiled
by dandruff at 6/18/2015 5:03:32 PM

The nurse smiled and asked me: "How do we feel today?" I took a cue from her and touched our knee. Sooooo, she slapped our face.

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An army Major is visiting sick soldiers.
by dandruff at 6/16/2015 4:25:26 PM

He goes up toy one private and asks: "What's your problem, soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambitio...

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Ruger is coming out with a new pistol
by dandruff at 6/12/2015 4:16:29 PM

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol to commemorate Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the “Legislator.” It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

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Friendship differences between women and men
by dandruff at 6/9/2015 1:38:19 PM

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None...

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Maybe I'm getting old
by dandruff at 6/7/2015 10:31:33 PM

Maybe I'm getting old but I find myself listening to music I used to hate. It's like I'll listen to Barry Manilow, but REALLY LOUD, does that count?

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Ever wonder why?
by dandruff at 6/4/2015 4:10:07 PM

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's beca...

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The 5 second rule
by dandruff at 6/2/2015 7:39:36 PM

The 5 second rule for dropping food on the floor doesn't work if you have a 2 second dog.

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How men get up in the morning:
by dandruff at 6/2/2015 2:15:13 PM

Brain - Ugghhh Body - don't move Dong - THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!

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Random thoughts
by dandruff at 5/31/2015 8:08:15 PM

1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. ____________________ 2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. ...

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I tried to mail you something cute for Christmas
by dandruff at 5/29/2015 3:09:56 PM

I tried to mail you something cute for Christmas, but the mailman told me to take the stamp off my rump and get out of the mailbox!

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One day
by dandruff at 5/28/2015 3:46:16 PM

One day, God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When the angel returned, he to...

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Because they had no reservations
by dandruff at 5/27/2015 9:27:34 PM

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said....

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I gots dental floss stuck in my teeth!
by dandruff at 5/26/2015 9:41:49 PM

What do I use to get it out, pop corn?

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My folks wanted to name me Bill
by dandruff at 5/26/2015 1:10:49 PM

Because I was due at the end of the month, sorry...

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I've lost one of my shoes,
by dandruff at 5/22/2015 3:52:39 PM

I've lost one of my shoes, you might say I'm looking for a soul mate, sorry...

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Doggies!
by dandruff at 5/20/2015 9:22:10 PM

"My little dog... a heartbeat at my feet." - Edith Wharton "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams "No heaven will not ever Heaven be, unless my do...

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Marriage
by dandruff at 5/19/2015 3:52:31 PM

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to...

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