| 6/13/2008 11:05:09 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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lobo_corazon
Kingston, ON
age: 39
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I met a man I bought a kitchen table from that he had in the paper. Its been about a month. I felt an instant attraction, but I don t know him. I called him back a couple times with some stupid ?. I m to shy to just come out with it. Its so much easier online when I know your looking too.
Not having to puzzle out (or awkwardly ask) if the other person is single is one of the very best parts of the online experience, imo.
BTW, your picture is striking! I'm sure if you ask "table guy" if he'd be interested in getting a coffee some time, he'll respond quite positively. 
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To the OP - In my opinion the author of your book is behind the times. Or perhaps she explains it better than your brief summary did... There is definitely a balance between too easy and too hard though.
Some might call what you describe "being a lady"... Others would call it high maintenance. 
In any case, if you sit back and approach your search passively, you'll naturally only draw the men who are aggressive in their search. We call those fellows players, and most women at least claim that isn't what they want.
As in all things, moderation and balance is best imo. I'm looking for a relationship between equals! But if you truly want a man to dominate your relationship, I suppose you can find one fairly easily. It just won't be someone like me, if that's your approach!
[Edited 6/13/2008 11:10:17 PM]
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| 6/13/2008 11:12:21 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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ladyvirtue52
Redding, CA
age: 52
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Well I wish you luck with that then..............but no-one is demanding anything. Just stating how I feel and if it doesn't suit someone then - it doesn't suit them. Not really my problem. I am at an age where I have realised certain things work for me and others don't. Just like you know what suits you.
I agree flower, I feel the same..I have old fashioned values and I'm more comfortable waiting to hear from the gentleman..I'm not comfortable "chasing" men..I don't call men unless invited to do so, and I would never ask a man out..It goes against everything I was raised to believe and out of my comfort zone....this topic has been discussed many times through the years with men that I know and more of them than not said they wanted to do the pursuing..to each his own..
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| 6/13/2008 11:12:49 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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ak2washington
Kent, WA
age: 52
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In any case, if you sit back and approach your search passively, you'll naturally only draw the men who are aggressive in their search. We call those fellows players, and most women at least claim that isn't what they want.
Very well put.
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| 6/13/2008 11:24:28 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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bocky1019
Newark, DE
age: 50
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I will put out feelers to see if someone may be alittle interested...but I dont mind being chased once in a while.I have gotten very frustrated over the years in my searching and dating trying to find someone that I want to stay around or who wants to stay around also.Sometimes I just feel yelling.."here I am"...come and find me.
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| 6/14/2008 12:11:19 AM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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808_sm
Honolulu, HI
age: 40
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I disagree with all the guys who state that women should chase men. Guys, imagine what life would be like if we had to do what the women do. We have all the "Less Attractive" women buy us drinks, while all the "Most attractive" women would be chasing the "Most Attractive" Men. The guys who do make the first move would get rejected a lot more because the woman they try to talk too is about to make her moves on another guy.
Perfect example: When I first went out clubbing decades ago, you never seen women dancing with women, so getting a dance was soooooooo easy. NOW try to get a dance!!! Women will say "No" in a heart beat and grab thier female friend and go dance with her on the dance floor.
I like it the way it is now...Men chase women. They day when women start chasing men will be the day men will nolonger get to pick and choose and when thier looks becomes number one on women priority list. In other words men will have to start buying the makeup, colgn, wrinkle remover, color contact lens, ect...
The chasing part is the biggest part of the attraction to women. Take that away and we will be the ones taking photos from the shoulders up an posting them.
[Edited 6/14/2008 12:12:38 AM]
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| 6/14/2008 7:06:20 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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lobo_corazon
Kingston, ON
age: 39
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Take that away and we will be the ones taking photos from the shoulders up an posting them.
There's nothing wrong with the guy chasing. The woman shouldn't feel like she can't help though.
The bit that makes me grate my teeth a bit is the business of "I think he likes me, and I've given him some hints, but he just never asks me out!"
These women obviously like the guy, and the waiting game obviously isn't working for them, so it would make sense for them to do something proactive, right? They can let him chase to their hearts content once they are dating, if it seems to make everyone happy.
jmo though.
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Also, to the OP - Changing yourself because you think it's what guys like is never a great idea. If you are naturally forward, just go with it. Find a guy who likes you for your forwardness, and you'll save everyone a whole lot of unnecessary hassle. Pretending to be something you aren't is a lot of work!
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| 6/14/2008 7:17:31 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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noredneckhere
Sevierville, TN
age: 47 online now!
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Heard of the ERA? The author of that book is an idiot. Good Lord, if a girl wouldn't return a missed call..... that's baby stuff. But hey, see how that works for ya. I mean, what if the guy was calling to tell you about a great shoe bargain..... oooh life would suck!
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| 6/14/2008 8:15:58 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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snshl2b1
Atlanta, GA
age: 46
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you don't bait a mouse trap with worm. you should take the approach to dating that will bring you to the kind of partner you want.
problem is what you want isn't necessarily what's good for you. you might be fishing for some tuna and catch you a shark.
sorry about the wacky mousetrap/fishing analogy, i don't know where that came from.
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| 6/14/2008 8:28:19 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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lillibet
New South Wales
Australia
age: 51 online now!
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well no he doesnt have to but ooooooooh moi would like him to...No i dont play hard to get I am just a little shy however im not shy about letting a man know if im intrested enough....But if i dont get a response i know to bow down gracefully...
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| 6/14/2008 8:31:47 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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drumrman
Belmont, MA
age: 43
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i'd, for once, like to have a woman persue me. 
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| 6/14/2008 8:35:12 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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flowergirl62
South Australia
Australia
age: 46
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808 I think you and I are the only ones that agree with each other in this thread and I can't help it but I feel that if a guy genuinely likes me he will find a way to approach me. Even if he is shy. Even if it means sending me a note to tell me.
Sorry I apologize I hadn't read ladyvirtue's comment. I guess she thinks so much like me I should have known that she would feel that way. Us poor old fashioned gals. How are we ever going to find a date???
[Edited 6/14/2008 8:37:26 PM]
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| 6/14/2008 8:38:29 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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jd39
Alton, IL
age: 53
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I am willing to pursue until I wear out my shoes if the woman wants to
be pursued.Some type of encouragment would at least let me know I am
reading the signs right.Online is worse than in person.I can't see the
body language,smile,or look to say they are interested too.A little reactive
flirting would be a nice sign.I am basically a shy person and I've had
women tell me I gave up too easily when 1 call or email might have made
all the difference.I too am "old-fashioned" so I take the lack of contact
as a sign to move on.
To answer the OPs question NO,I don't have to be in charge of the flow
but the pursuit can be fun if it is a mutual attraction.If it is,let the
pursuit be mutual.
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| 6/15/2008 12:25:32 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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thebestman
Alpharetta, GA
age: 34
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I am very new to dating. I'll zoom through the Publix parking lot with a cart full of groceries like a little kid on a scooter. But dating GAMES? PLAYING hard to get? Should I never call a guy I like? I recently met an author of a book about dating,and yes,I bought her book, and I was quite amazed with the advice. Never drive to a man's house to pick him up for a date? Don't call a guy, even if it's a missed call? Don't accept a date if he didn't call, like, two days in advance?
Gentlemen, please be honest, would you prefer to be in charge of the flow? Is the PURSUIT such an important part of your experience of dating?
What year is this, and will it always be the same?
I agree and disagree to a certain extent. Why? All these variables get in the way. As with life, dating is a gamble and as with life, just because you do the right thing, the outcome doesn't always have a happy ending because we cannot control what other people do.
As with anything, NEVER say NEVER.
Never call a guy a woman likes? WTF? If a man doesn't show appreciation, courtesy, and respect to a woman that calls, then all she has to do is simply dump him and don't call again. There are numerous women who don't return calls after dates etc... anyway, so it doesn't make a difference. The playing hard to get phone game is so old and immature already. Don't call a guy if it's a missed call? WTF?
Don't accept a date if it's not two days in advance? WTF? These variables don't guarantee any long term success for women or even a good date. What about the men who do call in advance, and times when some women flake out because she has a man on the side and or dating other men? What about some women who cancel out at the last second when the date has been made well in advance? Variables, and rules if anything, mess up the whole dating game and more often than not brainwash. All the rules etc if anything confuse the dating game. There are so many books out there with all sorts of different advice do this, do that, don't do this, if he does this do that, if she does this do that 
Bottom line go with the flow of what you feel and don't get caught up in the rules and games of dating. If someone doesn't appreciate kindness, simply walk and it's their loss. Use common sense and true gut feeling than getting bogged down with all the so called rules
There is nothing wrong with men pursuing women. Again, just because a man does those things above which the author says a woman should not do, doesn't even mean that he and the lady he's pursuing will end up dating occasionally and even be in a relationship. Why? Because some women play lots of games, get too caught up in rules, and are dating other men at the same time and or may be involved with someone on the side. It's 2008. With all these dating sites and other variables, these rules don't guarantee anything for the woman and moreover, can make a man look silly in some cases. With the age of the online dating etc...
What the author should talk about is how some women laugh at men who constantly call them when they don't answer or return calls. Is that pursuing or stalking?
I believe a man should pursue, but constantly calling meanwhile the woman doesn't return calls or don't answer on purpose is a petty game that messes up the natural flow. If ya interested, you are interested. I agree that a man should pick up the woman. But nowadays, that is thrown out the window because many times the two agree on meeting in a public place first.
Just because a man chases a woman doesn't mean they will be together, although there's nothing wrong with a man stepping up to the plate. I don't use rules. I apply what I feel. I will call, I will plan and coordinate. But constantly planning and coordinating with no results, I will move to a woman who appreciate a man that can do this without the so called rules/playing games.
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| 6/15/2008 12:34:22 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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pattilee3
Norfolk, VA
age: 49
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Letting a man know you are interested by giving them a call or e-mail now and then is not chasing. Don't call over and over etc, they'll run thinking you are a stalker.
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| 6/15/2008 12:53:49 PM |
Must the man be the one to pursue? |
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thebestman
Alpharetta, GA
age: 34
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Letting a man know you are interested by giving them a call or e-mail now and then is not chasing. Don't call over and over etc, they'll run thinking you are a stalker.
Exactly...
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