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| 7/5/2013 4:37:51 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, "Perfect timing. You're just Like Andrew"
Cabbie: "Who?"
Passenger: "Andrew Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andrew Sullivan, every single time."
Cabbie: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Passenger: "Not Andrew Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Cabbie: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Passenger: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andrew Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Cabbie: "Wow. Some guy then."
Passenger: "Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan."
Cabbie: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Passenger: "Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I'm married to his damned widow."
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| 7/5/2013 5:05:21 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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kitty97
West Palm Beach, FL
61, joined Aug. 2011
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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| 7/7/2013 11:14:18 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people
in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by
the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk,
so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers,
'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he
dunks the drunk in the water again, but this
time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again,
'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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| 7/7/2013 11:45:52 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
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AMEN!!!!! 
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| 7/7/2013 1:32:29 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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kitty97
West Palm Beach, FL
61, joined Aug. 2011
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The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peac*cks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . .
didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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| 7/7/2013 6:39:01 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
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| 7/7/2013 9:24:49 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat
and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the girl sitting
next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started
talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart, it's Erica , I'm on the train. Yes, I
know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I
had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that bloke from the accounts
office, it was with the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. "
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the young man sitting next to her had enough,
he leaned over and said into the phone, "Erica, hang
up the phone and come back to bed."
Erica doesn't use her mobile phone in public any
longer.
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| 7/7/2013 10:58:29 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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When I got home from playing golf today the wife left a note on the fridge',
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?
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| 7/9/2013 3:24:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Did you know what happened
162 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed
except then the women had
real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
That, my friends, is the
history lesson for today!
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| 7/12/2013 11:07:32 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Last night a man in his 70's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15, 5.56 NATO round ammo at the sporting goods store.
On the way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven gas station where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his. She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old timer. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
The old guy thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"
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| 7/13/2013 8:57:08 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
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Two elderly ladies were talking.
“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.
Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."
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| 7/13/2013 1:19:04 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
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*DISCLAIMER*
 dont get offended, its just a joke. 
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| 7/13/2013 2:13:47 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on...
take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone!!!
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| 7/16/2013 5:24:44 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
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| 7/16/2013 6:01:58 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
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The Indian With One Testicle
Good one Shakey
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| 7/18/2013 5:11:49 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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kitty97
West Palm Beach, FL
61, joined Aug. 2011
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Herb's Winky.......
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb
that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12
year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt
this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity
too.
HERB'S WINKY....
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is
the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are
married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
winky.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of
the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long
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| 7/21/2013 11:44:10 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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trust a pilot
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!"
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| 7/25/2013 12:38:56 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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My Wife Won’t Like It!
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa
on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while
and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think
my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons,
I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife
is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said . . .
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| 7/25/2013 12:39:42 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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^^ Old GEEZERS texting ^^
The middle-aged couple had finally learned
how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day
that she'd send her husband a text while she was
out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)
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| 7/25/2013 12:49:09 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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knotty_body
Crawfordville, FL
58, joined Jul. 2013
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"Time Wounds All Heals"
John Lennon
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| 7/25/2013 12:52:25 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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I KNOW MANY OF US ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR...
Coincidence? Just wondering...
Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......
Man, I wish the White House had a team!
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| 7/25/2013 10:30:52 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne
Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."
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| 7/25/2013 10:41:01 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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LOL
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| 7/26/2013 10:42:34 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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wsprs0nthewind
Powell, TN
52, joined Mar. 2009
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One of my favorite quotes: "Never make someone a priority when to them you are just an option."
Another one:
I will stand for what I believe in even if I have to stand alone.
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| 7/26/2013 11:13:11 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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wsprs0nthewind
Powell, TN
52, joined Mar. 2009
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How could I forget this one!
Whoever said that diamonds are a girl's best friend, never owned a dog.
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| 7/26/2013 9:08:16 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “we’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some old men can still think fast…
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| 7/27/2013 2:20:30 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
The Old Sailor & the prostitute
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
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| 7/27/2013 11:03:41 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
I stopped by the Chevrolet dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun I took it for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they became extinct.
The salesman was an African-American wearing an “Obama change” pin. He sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your a** the year round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Damn guy had no sense of humor!
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| 7/30/2013 8:31:12 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out, as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fxxx'n ear!"
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| 8/1/2013 11:25:13 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
72, joined Aug. 2008
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Flat Stomach
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!
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| 8/3/2013 4:07:31 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow," says the barkeep. "What'd you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, Bad dog!?"
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| 8/3/2013 4:09:51 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
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| 8/6/2013 2:01:56 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:
(You are going to love this...)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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| 8/7/2013 6:35:44 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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freetobeme08
Tallahassee, FL
51, joined Sep. 2011
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Whats In The Bag
Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag
She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.
Then he says now let me give you one.
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.
The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.
Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.
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| 8/7/2013 8:42:23 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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| 8/7/2013 8:46:48 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING
If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) show.
Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque this weekend.
He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.
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| 8/7/2013 8:47:22 AM |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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| 8/8/2013 7:27:41 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For Sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint like condition.
He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes!"
- Claire
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| 8/9/2013 4:56:08 PM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish!"
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| 8/12/2013 8:24:40 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The
morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and
were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first
and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said "Yup,
his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over". The
mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley".
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought
Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the
body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't
Stanley". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said,
"Well, Stanley had two ass-holes". "What!, He had two ass-holes?"
asked the mortician. " "Yup, we never seen 'em but everybody used
to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes." Cooter and
Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration. One in
the IRS and the other in the Justice Department.
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| 8/13/2013 2:20:23 PM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the
trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and
ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
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| 8/14/2013 1:41:14 PM |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
72, joined Aug. 2008
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
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| 8/14/2013 3:30:28 PM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Perhaps the most profound observation I have heard in recent times.
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."
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| 8/14/2013 4:56:47 PM |
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sand_inhershoes
Milton, FL
54, joined Jul. 2011
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One on an ego trip does not travel far.
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| 8/15/2013 5:20:07 AM |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
72, joined Aug. 2008
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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| 8/15/2013 7:54:41 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
(I MAY BE MORE SOUTHERNER THAN I REALIZE!)
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......... ..
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
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| 8/15/2013 11:23:30 AM |
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sand_inhershoes
Milton, FL
54, joined Jul. 2011
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Glidden has a new color paint
Its called blonde.
Its not too bright and it spreads real easily.
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| 8/15/2013 1:25:41 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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great ,,,,,,,,,a blonde with a sense of humor....
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| 8/17/2013 8:53:44 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Catholic Church - Nancy Pelosi
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to Nancy
Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told
the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass,
and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a
saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there
are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of
Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a
donation of $100,000 to your cathedral if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the
money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday
worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the
center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal
pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms.
Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not
numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most
egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to
flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self
-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is
also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is
the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She
married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American
people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative
obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply
not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama,
Ms. Pelosi is a Saint."
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| 8/17/2013 8:19:07 PM |
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sand_inhershoes
Milton, FL
54, joined Jul. 2011
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
He heard a man was laying bricks and it was something he had to see for himself.
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| 8/17/2013 8:37:29 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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kitty97
West Palm Beach, FL
61, joined Aug. 2011
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Sorry, must have been a rooster. Chickens are female.
I hate commercials on TV when they are showing a cow, big udders hanging, and they use a male voice.
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| 8/19/2013 11:13:55 AM |
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wanna_dance
Boca Raton, FL
72, joined Aug. 2008
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Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
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| 8/19/2013 4:25:01 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
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| 8/22/2013 6:38:21 AM |
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gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
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Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. *
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'*
The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy.”
The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.*
The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’
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| 8/23/2013 3:49:53 AM |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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This guy and his wife are getting it on in the bedroom when he has a heart attack and dies. The next day the mortician calls the widow up and says, "Mam, your husband still has a hard on. It won't look right in an open casket. What do you want me to do about it?"
She says bluntly, "Well, cut it off and stick it up his ass."
The mortician asks, "Mam, did I hear you right? Did you say cut it off and stick it up his ass?"
She replies, "You heard me right sir."
So later that week at the man's funeral all his friends and colleagues were there and one of them noticed some moisture that looked just like a tear in the corner of the man's eye. They then brought their concerns to the widow who simply replied, "Oh don't worry about a thing, everything's fine."
And after a short while when the lid was slowly being lowered for the last time, the widow bends slightly towards the man for her last words to him and she whispers,
"Hurts, don't it?"
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| 8/24/2013 2:27:21 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited. The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?" The Rabbi quickly replies, "Well, we gather them up and send them back to the candle makers, and once a year they send us a complete box of candles." Slightly annoyed at this answer, the tax man makes another attempt to catch the Rabbi on something. He asks, "What do you do with the crumbs and leftovers of the cracker things you eat?" He is pleased with himself as the Rabbi takes a moment to think it over.
After a moment, the Rabbi replies, "Well, we gather them up, send them to the cracker company, and once a year they send us a complete box of crackers." At this point, the IRS agent is furious, and the Rabbi knows what's going on. In a last ditch effort, the agent asks, "Okay, and what about the leftover foreskins from your circumcisions? What do you do with those?" Without missing a beat, the Rabbi replies,
"Well, we gather them up, and send them to the IRS. Once a year, they send us a complete d*ck."
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| 8/24/2013 2:45:14 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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MOVING TO DETROIT
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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| 8/25/2013 10:11:36 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Four Retirees Visit A Bar -
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had twomartinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."
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| 8/26/2013 1:53:54 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
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| 8/26/2013 1:56:36 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 3 |
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shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
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Subject: A bottle of Merlot ---- "Priceless"
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a
cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated
the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking
at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a
note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.
The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your
pants'..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to
be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have
beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even
for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three
inches. Just send the wine back.'
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