|
free hookup messagingNor is it the capacity to browse the profiles of other users for a glimpse into their actual character (studies show it s fairly considerably useless). asian singles phoenix It really is made for anonymous, no strings attached chat, and presents ultimate discretion and profile protection. Women had flagged Lawrence to the site, but no single entity had been able to join the dots and avoid crimes taking location, he mentioned. tinder greenville sc The large pool of possible matches brings with it extra decision creating about who to select generating trade offs involving which potential mates to pursue and which to keep away from. free local hookup sitesI was glad, and I am sure she was glad, that we did not have any negative memories of that date. dating in carbondale il The man she was going to meet canceled final minute but her tickets had been nonrefundable, so she spent the day lonely and alone in New York, hoping he d transform his thoughts (he didn t). When you have just met an individual new, it is organic for you to want to know every thing there is to know about this particular person. zoosk viewed you Like JDate, ChristianMingle characteristics comprehensive profiles and sends possible matches each and every day, but only up to seven. Home Sign In Search Date Ideas Join Forums Singles Groups - 100% FREE Online Dating, Join Now!
| 6/4/2013 10:17:45 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
|
| 6/4/2013 11:14:34 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
ted16
Fort Pierce, FL
66, joined Mar. 2009
|
|
| 6/4/2013 11:49:40 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Ted. thanks for posting that. I haven't seen it in some time. But laugh everytime I see it. 
|
| 6/5/2013 3:18:54 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/5/2013 5:23:34 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
|
Wow I just bought 5 of them...seriously. ..now everytime I turn it on, it will never look the same...thanks.. 
|
| 6/5/2013 5:38:36 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/5/2013 6:52:32 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
ted16
Fort Pierce, FL
66, joined Mar. 2009
|
you really have to try the real thing. 
|
| 6/5/2013 6:55:36 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
ted16
Fort Pierce, FL
66, joined Mar. 2009
|
Pet here, waiting for a good home
|
| 6/5/2013 9:53:54 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
ted16
Fort Pierce, FL
66, joined Mar. 2009
|
|
| 6/6/2013 10:46:53 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A blonde city girl marries an Idaho rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to his wife, "The insemination
man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 above the cow's
stall.
Please show him which cow it is when he gets here, OK?"
The rancher then leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
The blonde takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he's dealing with an air head asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;
how would YOU know that this is the right cow?"
"That's simple, by the nail over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
(It's nice to see the blonde win once in a while)
|
| 6/7/2013 8:27:09 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Are ya smarter than a fifth grader. Kelly fails. Can she really be that blond...I mean stupid!
|
| 6/7/2013 4:45:05 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
from fishing mom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thought this was nice....
"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed
And very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
|
| 6/7/2013 4:45:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
ya have to be a Yankee to understand this one
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have
died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows
eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none
could say "Truck."
|
| 6/7/2013 5:07:04 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A guy got his first job and it happened to be in a sexual aid
shop. One night his boss had to leave for an hour. A short
while later a white lady walked in, and after looking around
asked him, "How much for the black dildo?"
"For you," he replied, "$19.99."
"Great," she said, paid and left.
A short while later a black lady walked in and after looking
around said, "How much for the white dildo?"
"For you," he replied, "$29.99."
"Great," she said, paid and left.
Again, a while later a Polish lady walked in and after looking
around asked, "How much for the 'plaid' dildo?"
"Plaid dildo?" he asked.
"Yes," she responded, "the one at the back of the store there."
"Oh, the PLAID dildo... for you, $39.99"
She happily paid and left.
His boss returned and asked how it went. He replied, "Well, I
sold a white lady a black dildo for $19.99, a black lady a
white dildo for $29.99, and I sold a Polish lady your thermos for
$39.99."
|
| 6/7/2013 5:08:53 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from
Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk
and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you
and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now,
Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's
Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place
and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go
look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's
okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big
okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a
terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give
me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects
the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But
we's Sergeants now."
|
| 6/9/2013 7:46:06 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
|
| 6/9/2013 2:23:14 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't
gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to
meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a
weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she
stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his
birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there
with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...
except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black
condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
|
| 6/9/2013 7:32:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
Another Hallmark card that failed!
|
| 6/10/2013 9:16:41 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
TRANQUILITY EXERCISE
Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny
thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a
crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Imagine that birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. Be confident that no one knows your secret place.
5. Know that you are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the
world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the
Democrat you're holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
|
| 6/10/2013 9:27:23 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
italianguy813
Brandon, FL
42, joined Jun. 2013
|
If I knew then what I know now I would have picked my own cotton!
|
| 6/10/2013 9:35:32 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS.
So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. .In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.
03. 'Get your kicks, __ __ ______________.'
04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
_ ______ ___ _________.'
05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, __ __ ___ _________.'
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'
07. Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _________ ______.'
08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________... '
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and
the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __ ______________.
16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?
17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!
18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows!
19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash" it's name was the ______ ______!
20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boys Name? ________
ANSWERS:
01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04.To protect the innocent.
05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco
17. Howdy Doody Time
18. Shadow
19. Monster Mash
20. Speedy
|
| 6/11/2013 3:37:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/11/2013 4:30:50 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Story of a little old lady!
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it'?
So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
|
| 6/11/2013 4:36:27 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
|
| 6/13/2013 9:50:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
kitty97
West Palm Beach, FL
61, joined Aug. 2011
|
Sharon thanks for posting the Jeff Dunham clips. I hadn't seen some of them. So funny!
|
| 6/14/2013 10:04:12 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
ted16
Fort Pierce, FL
66, joined Mar. 2009
|
There was a pregnant woman gonna have triplets. She was involved in a hold up and got shot three times in the belly. At the hospital the doctor determined that there was one bullet in each fetus. They couldn't figure out a safe treatment and decided to wait and see how things turned out. Sure enough mother nature took over and all three babies were borne healthy, two girls and one boy.
When they were teenagers one of daughters came to her mother in tears saying I was peeing and a bullet came out. The mother calmed her and told her the story of being shot.
A little later the other daughter came out crying and saying that while she was peeing that a bullet had come out, again the mother calmed her and told her the story.
A few days later the boy came out in tears and his mother said, I know you were peeing and a bullet came out. He said no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog.
|
| 6/16/2013 12:53:58 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
|
| 6/16/2013 12:58:46 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies.
"We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
|
| 6/17/2013 1:06:58 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Tim Conway. One of his DORF skits. Funny stuff!
|
| 6/19/2013 4:28:35 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
|
| 6/19/2013 4:33:54 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
|
| 6/20/2013 2:14:56 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was
confused by the entrance exam.
The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress
|
| 6/20/2013 7:59:56 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/21/2013 2:18:47 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his
physical activity level.
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about
7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of
brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank beer and a tall glass of Captain
Morgan."
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an
outdoors man!"
"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really crappy golfer".
|
| 6/21/2013 4:56:36 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Shakey, I kiked that last one so much, I posted it to my Facebook page.
Keep em comin'
|
| 6/22/2013 8:48:38 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Subject: HOW THE INTERNET GOT STARTED LONG, LONG AGO
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
|
| 6/22/2013 9:07:20 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/22/2013 10:21:42 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
swifteagle
Elk City, OK
73, joined Jan. 2008
|
A gentleman entered a restaurant with his young son and sat down at a table. He took out three nickels and gave them to his son to play with so he would stay occupied while he surveyed the menu.
After a short time he noticed his son choking and the three nickels were no where to be found. Figuring the little boy swallowed the nickels, he quickly began slapping the boy on the back. Sure enough out popped two of the nickels.
A woman, nattily dressed in a conservative blue pants suit, was seated at the counter and noticed what was going on. She calmly set her cup down on the counter, folded her newspaper and laid it on the counter. She walked over to the boy, calmly lowered his shorts and grasped him gently by the testicles with a twisting motion. Nothing happened so she gripped him more firmly. Immediately the little boy started to convulse and cough very hard. Out popped the third nickel.
The lady released her grip and raised the boy's shorts. She walked back to the counter and sat down again, never once saying a word.
Of course, the father checked his son to make sure he was okay. He then walked over to the lady and said, "That was amazing. Are you a doctor?"
"No," she said, "I work for the IRS."
|
| 6/22/2013 2:03:55 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
beatup6string
Jacksonville, FL
25, joined Apr. 2013
|
One of my co workers was using Microsoft Word to type up a document. The following is the conversation we had:
Coworker-How do you spell Torpedo?
Me-You're on Word.
Coworker-And I don't know how to spell torpedo.
Me-It has spell check.
Coworker-Yes, but how do you spell torpedo?
Me-Sweet Peter, Paul, and Mary you are dumb. T-O-R-P-E-D-O. And just for future reference, Word, that magical program you are working on right now, has spell check, another magic function that will tell you if you spell a word wrong, and then, give you suggestions on how to spell it properly.
Coworker-Did you say it was T-O-P-E-D-O?
Me-Hey Rick, I'm going to go fill up my water bottle, and then jump off the building.
Rick-Okay, try not to hit my new car.
Coworker-Rick, how do you spell Torpedo.
Rick-Chuck, wait up, I'm coming with you.
|
| 6/22/2013 5:09:08 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
this is an oldie but still cute..
|
| 6/23/2013 4:48:05 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/23/2013 4:58:32 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/23/2013 5:25:33 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Bob lives in a 5 story condo with his wife. Each day he comes home from work and runs into his neighbor, Mike. Mike is always bragging about all the women in the condo that he's made it with. Every time it's someone new. Bob gets tired of all this bragging. But today took the cake. Mike jumps in the elevator and tells Bob that he has now had sex with every woman in the building except for one. He listens to the erotic details of this last conquest and is really bored and mad.
He enters his apartment and slams his things down and his anger shows. His wife asks what's wrong. he said, " you know how I've told you about Mike always bragging about all the women he's made it with in the building. Well tonight was the worst! In detail he tells me about his latest conquest and that he now has made love to every woman in this building but one". His wife pauses for a moment and says, "that must be that snooty Mrs. Jones in apartment 304".
|
| 6/23/2013 6:00:58 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
|
| 6/23/2013 6:02:41 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
|
| 6/24/2013 7:40:10 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??
|
| 6/24/2013 2:58:24 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they finish, there's such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata?" 
|
| 6/24/2013 3:00:49 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
your thinking."
|
| 6/24/2013 3:16:04 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
gentlemanjim1
Fort Myers, FL
68, joined Oct. 2009
|
Why does the bride have the biggest smile in the wedding party pictures?
Because she knows she will never have to give a BJ again.
What do you call a 40 year old divorcee? A born again BJ giver!
|
| 6/25/2013 6:35:23 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
indigohorizon
Ocala, FL
35, joined May. 2013
|
I went to return a pair of jeans that I'd bought today.
When I got to the counter the woman said, "So what's wrong with them?"
"They've got a big rip up the arse of them," I replied. "Oh, and they're too small."
|
| 6/25/2013 6:50:30 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
|
| 6/26/2013 6:37:46 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
giants86900711
Ocala, FL
45, joined Jun. 2013
|
"Mr. Gorbachev...Tear down this wall!"
|
| 6/26/2013 7:53:07 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.
|
| 6/27/2013 2:24:40 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
dont know how to make this a clickable link, so copy/paste and enjoy....
maybe sharon will be kind enough to fix it for me....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b994hRcizU4&feature=share
|
| 6/27/2013 2:58:09 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
another one you OWE me 
|
| 6/28/2013 2:31:59 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
thanks again sharon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can say what you want about Florida , but these are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
----------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and Meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
--------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
---------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair, Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well
|
| 7/2/2013 3:13:03 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
|
| 7/4/2013 11:35:58 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
New Book
A man goes into the library and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men
with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
Poor Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7
Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick a**hole!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked, you're supposed to turn your clock back".
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For god sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."
|
| 7/5/2013 7:29:42 AM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
allen7141
Jacksonville, FL
46, joined Nov. 2012
|
What's the difference between your pay-check and your c*ck?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay-check!
|
| 7/5/2013 4:32:24 PM |
Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults | Page 2 |
|
shakey216
Lecanto, FL
64, joined Mar. 2010
|
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
|
|
|