Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults

5/29/2013 7:34:01 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	How about lawyer joke for starters. Do you know the difference between a dead skunk laying in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer laying in the middle of the road? There's skid marks in front of the dead skunk! Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
5/29/2013 7:57:25 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	Do you know what happens when an attorney take Viagra? He gets taller!
5/30/2013 6:20:44 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	BUMP! A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your Boobs" She said, "No point asking about the beard then........
5/30/2013 7:00:08 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	Thanks Fishy! I like that joke!
5/30/2013 7:26:36 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	youre very welcome.. now that I know this thread is here, I will post more for you!
5/30/2013 8:09:21 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	Who remembers all the Elephant jokes? How do you know an elephant was in your refrigerator? He left footprints in the butter. How did the flea get the elephant pregnant? Another elephant put him up to it!
5/30/2013 8:11:22 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	Get MySpace Comments without leaving myspace!
5/30/2013 8:15:50 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	I'm gonna put that one on my Facebook page!
5/30/2013 8:24:39 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other..."
5/30/2013 8:27:06 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	A male and female whale where swimming around under the ocean. The male whale spots a whaling boat sailing around over head. He turns to the female and says "Hey if we go up under that damn boat and blow bubbles really hard we can sink it. Really she exclaims, then lets go do it." Sure enough the boat tips over and all the sailors fall overboard and the boat quickly sinks to the bottom while the 2 whales watch from below. "Now lets go up there and eat those bastards" exclaims the male but the female bellows back NO! "Why not" not asks the male. "Look" she replies, "I agreed to the blow job but I am not swallowing seamen!"
5/30/2013 10:04:24 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
skh8447 Spring Hill, FL 58, joined Sep. 2009
5/30/2013 10:14:09 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Two women were out golfing. At the third hole, one of the women sliced her ball directly towards a group of men. Sure, enough, one of the men was hit and went down clutching his crotch. The woman responsible ran up to where he lay, writhing on the ground with his hands between his legs, and said, "I'm SO sorry!! It was an accident! But I'm a massage therapist and I can make it feel better." The man said through gritted teeth, "No, thanks, it'll be okay in a little while." She persisted and managed to get him rolled onto his back. She put her hands inside his pants and manipulated him for a while. She said, "There. Does that feel better?" He said, "Yeah. But my thumb still hurts like hell."
5/30/2013 10:17:37 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there... and she doesn't even have a penis!"
5/30/2013 10:41:21 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	A man started having really bad headaches, he went to the doctor. The doctor ran a lot of tests and finally told him he had to have his testicles removed, and that would cure his headaches. The man thought that was nuts so he got a second opinion, with the same result. So he figures he had to have the surgery as he couldn't stand the headaches. After the surgery sure enough the headaches were gone. To celibate, he decided to buy himself a new suit. The tailor carefully measured him and pulled the proper size suit from the rack. Being a good salesman he suggested the man also buy a new shirt, which he did. Then thought that he also wanted to get new shoes and socks which the tailor provided. With everything new except his underwear, he said might as well get new briefs too. The tailor called to an associate to bring over some size 36 briefs. The man said no, I wear a size 34. The tailor said, no sir, you are a size 36, if you wear a size 34 you'll have terrible headaches.
5/31/2013 6:38:24 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	Three surgeons were in the doctor's lounge taking a much needed break. One tells the other two that enjoys operating on engineers and architects the most, Curious, the other asked why, He said, "when you cut them open there's a blueprint, hard to make a mistake." The next doctor said he preferred to operate on electricians. He explained, "when you cut them open, everything is color coded clearly showing what's connected to what. The third doctor said he preferred to operate on attorneys. The other two asked why attorneys? He explained, " It's simple. First they are gutless, spineless, and heartless. And you interchange there head with their a**hole. "
5/31/2013 8:23:53 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	Back in the day................ If mini skirts would have gotten any shorter, women would have had more hair to brush and 2 more cheeks to powder! But they did get short enough that Tampax had to issue a recall.Seems the strings were to long for mini skirts!
5/31/2013 10:34:00 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
summer012469 Grand Island, FL 48, joined Dec. 2011	Quote from fishingmom: BUMP! A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your Boobs" She said, "No point asking about the beard then........ I know a woman who had a major tummy tuck an had to get laser hair removal because her pubic hair ended up right under her belly button. Lol!!
5/31/2013 4:07:57 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	^^^^^^^^^^^^^ OH my gosh!!!!! In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!" The boss collapsed..
5/31/2013 4:27:04 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
gentlemanjim1 Fort Myers, FL 68, joined Oct. 2009	Quote from summer012469: I know a woman who had a major tummy tuck an had to get laser hair removal because her pubic hair ended up right under her belly button. Lol!! Hmmm? I wonder, did that pull all the plumbing up with the hair! YIKES! Good one Fishy! [Edited 5/31/2013 4:28:34 PM ]
5/31/2013 7:06:09 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	A men commenting on a second mans bear belly, asking if it was forign or domestic? The second man said "There's a tap underneath, why don't you taste it and find out?"
5/31/2013 7:19:16 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
redsoxron Leesburg, FL 51, joined Feb. 2012	I hate working weekends!
5/31/2013 7:20:02 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
sksportsfan Bradenton, FL 50, joined Nov. 2012	This is allegedly from somewhere in Asia.......... Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' a shape! I only wish this was true..........
6/1/2013 2:17:25 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
bigblushrts8694 Ocala, FL 46, joined Apr. 2013	Who pissed in your Cheerios?
6/1/2013 10:16:16 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	Im sure this has been heard/read before Senior Sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
6/1/2013 10:43:06 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	Hmmmmm, interesting to say the least!
6/1/2013 2:47:52 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	--Two Alligators were sitting around talking. The smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol Building' 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.'
6/1/2013 3:26:28 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
bigblushrts8694 Ocala, FL 46, joined Apr. 2013	There are no atheists in foxholes. How true!
6/1/2013 3:53:02 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
6/1/2013 5:06:17 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME: 1. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "Your room looks like a tornado hit it." 2. My mother taught me about RELIGION. "You better pray that comes out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week." 4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, I can take you out." 6. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you." 7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when we get home." 8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY. "Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?" 9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!" 10. My mother taught me about LOGIC. "Because I said so, That's why." 11. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until your spinach is gone." 12. My mother taught me about IRONY. "Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."
6/1/2013 8:57:21 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
6/1/2013 8:58:48 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet...... What could I do???? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
6/1/2013 9:09:21 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
sksportsfan Bradenton, FL 50, joined Nov. 2012	Steve, that's one of the funniest things I've seen in a LONG time! [Edited 6/1/2013 9:09:38 PM ]
6/1/2013 9:12:10 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	thanks steve...... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy decides to throw a costume party where everyone has to come dressed as an emotion. The doorbell rings, and standing at the door is a guy dressed from head to toe in green, his face is also totally colored green. "Ah, lemme guess, green with envy?", the host asks. "Right!", the guest replies. "Hey, good one", says the host. No sooner does the door close when the bell rings again. A young lady is standing there totally clothed in a red costume. "Guess what emotion I am!", she squeals. "Red with anger?", is our host's guess. "Absolutely correct!" "Well, come on in and grab a beer, it'll calm ya down a bit..." Everyone is havin' a ball when there's a big knock on the door. The host opens the door to see 2 guys standing there, both of them completely naked, one with his dck plunged into a big bowl of custard pudding, the other has got his cck stuck all the way to the hilt into a large juicy pear. The host is stumped, "Uh.... lemme see, ummm, hmm. Well, uh, jeez guys, I give up. What emotions are you supposed to be?" The first guy yells, "I'm f**kin' dis custard!" "And I'm deep in dis pear", sighs his buddy.
6/1/2013 9:13:15 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do." "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."
6/2/2013 6:19:39 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	The importance of commas,
6/2/2013 7:01:28 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
bigblushrts8694 Ocala, FL 46, joined Apr. 2013	F#@&*d up like a soup sandwich.
6/2/2013 12:17:45 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
kitty97 West Palm Beach, FL 61, joined Aug. 2011	BAD DAY AT HALLWARK Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... 'What the hell was I thinking?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.... That you're not here to ruin it for me. #################################################### Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. **************************************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
6/2/2013 12:24:32 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
kitty97 West Palm Beach, FL 61, joined Aug. 2011	THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER... Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel and Margaret, two old friends of Judy attended the service. Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret.......... "Do you think the preacher means Judy and her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel ... Her legs."
6/2/2013 4:45:26 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.
6/2/2013 4:46:59 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her a** in it."
6/2/2013 6:19:12 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish. I said, "I want to live forever." "Sorry," the fairy replied. "I'm not allowed to grant immortality!" "Fine," I said. "Then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!" The fairy grinned and waved her wand. "You crafty b*tch."
6/2/2013 6:21:06 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	Compassionate Women A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Ireland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’. She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
6/2/2013 7:48:58 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	The "Pocket Hose" commercial I've got mine...... "Just turn it on and watch it grow and grow and grow"
6/3/2013 3:48:58 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Grandpa took his grandson to Walmart's and while there, they got separated. The grandson found a security guard and told him that he lost his Grandpa. The guard asked him; "What is his name?". The boy said; "Grandpa". The guard just smiled and asked; "What's he like?". The boy thought a minute and then said; "Crown Royal and women with big tits".
6/3/2013 3:50:37 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
summer012469 Grand Island, FL 48, joined Dec. 2011	Quote from ted16: The "Pocket Hose" commercial I've got mine...... "Just turn it on and watch it grow and grow and grow" And when you're done using it, turn it off and watch it shrivel back up
6/3/2013 3:58:07 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	Quote from summer012469: And when you're done using it, turn it off and watch it shrivel back up
6/3/2013 6:03:13 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	[URL=http://i1208.photobucket.com/albums/cc361/ted_16/end_tables.mp4] [/URL] This is supposed to be a Video, It didn't work in "Preview" Hope it works as a post. If not,,, Sorry! [Edited 6/3/2013 6:04:07 PM ]
6/3/2013 6:11:34 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	Ok That was a bust, try this one. A farmer had three daughters who were preparing for their first dates. The Farmer answered the door and there stood a young man who said, Hi my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go? The farmer looked him over and sent them on their way. The next young man stood at the door and said, Hi my name is Teddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to get Spaghetti, is she ready? The farmer looked the young man over, and sent them on their way. The door bell rang, and there stood a young man who said, Hi my name is Chuck,,, and the farmer shot him. [Edited 6/3/2013 6:12:48 PM ]
6/3/2013 6:13:42 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	Quote from summer012469: And when you're done using it, turn it off and watch it shrivel back up
6/3/2013 11:14:20 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	[/URL]
6/3/2013 11:58:58 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	Here it is thanks to Sandy, She "Whipped" it into shape It just doesnot show up in "Preview" [Edited 6/4/2013 12:00:28 AM ]
6/4/2013 11:45:39 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
6/4/2013 11:47:58 AM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	412.1 This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over." After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
6/4/2013 6:48:42 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009	I was in the checkout line buying a 50 LB bag of dog food. The woman behind me asked "Do you have a dog?" (don't you just hate the obvious) I said "No, I'm on the dog food diet." now several people around us have taken notice. I said, "You fill your pockets with these nuggets of dog food, and when you feel hungry, instead of eating a meal you just pop a couple of these nuggets." Someone asked, "How does it work?" I responded, "It's great I lost 25 pounds the first month. But I ended up in the hospital so I had to quit. Now I'm going to try it again. Someone asked "If you landed in the hospital, why would you do it again?" I said, "Oh, it had nothing to do with the diet, I was sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me." Do you know why dogs lick their balls? Because they can!
6/4/2013 7:06:41 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
6/4/2013 7:10:53 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
fishingmom Lake Alfred, FL 63, joined Aug. 2008	Have you ever thought about the range of words which have a Grecian root? There are lots of such words in mathematics, like "geometry". Some of these words have an interesting derivation. A contemporary of Pythagoras was watching a parrot playing with some twigs, once upon a time. Although birds often play with twigs and leaves and branches, this parrot, to the mathematician's amazement, actually arranged the pieces of wood into some sort of a pattern. Then, unfortunately, the bird keeled over, dead. The mathematician was so moved that he named the shape, "Dead parrot" although -- of course -- he said it in Greek. Which is why we call that shape a polygon.
6/4/2013 7:17:45 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back. Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?" "What?" "your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them." "Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."
6/4/2013 7:19:18 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
6/4/2013 9:46:43 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
ted16 Fort Pierce, FL 66, joined Mar. 2009
6/4/2013 10:14:25 PM	Your Favorite Jokes, Sayings, Quotes & Insults
shakey216 Lecanto, FL 64, joined Mar. 2010	This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

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