| 6/4/2014 10:51:54 AM |
Still hurting |
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kcarole95
Chilton, WI
48, joined Apr. 2012
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Today is the 5th anniversary of my husband's death from cancer. I'm trying to go forward but I keep getting drawn back to sadness and pain. I'm just trying to find a balance of peace and harmony with myself without still blaming myself for his death. For anyone reading my post, what have you found that works to ease this pain?
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| 6/4/2014 1:18:17 PM |
Still hurting |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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Why would you blame yourself for him dying of cancer?
I know we all think about things we could have done differently, or things we did wrong, but it wasn't what we did or didn't do.
For a long time, I took the blame for my husband dying because I didn't buy bananas the day before he had a heart attack. See, he had a severe potassium deficiency and his medication had recently been changed, with no corresponding lab work to determine if the dosage was right or the medication working. He always had a banana a day to help with it. But I was too tired to run out and get bananas that day.
The next day he collapsed with a heart attack and fell into a coma.
I blamed myself for the longest time that I had been too tired, and so I killed him. But it simply wasn't true. Not only wasn't it true, and that the medical issues were far beyond my influence, it also was about me making things be about myself. Maybe it was to have something concrete to blame, or maybe it was because I thought I controlled things, but whatever the case, it wasn't my blame to take. I just don't have that kind of power.
It isn't your blame to take either. You need to think it through why you're feeling that responsibility, why you're feeling you had that kind of control, and maybe when you do that, you'll be able to lay down the burden of blame. And the pain will ease.
By the way, until I could lay down the responsibility over the bananas, that's when I started understanding and realizing the other factors that had a hand in it.
[Edited 6/4/2014 1:20:34 PM ]
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| 6/4/2014 2:29:46 PM |
Still hurting |
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103tl1
Nesbit, MS
68, joined Jul. 2011
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I also kept thinking that I could/should have done something differently.
We made the best decisions we could with the information we had.
My wife reminded me that her Lord had a plan for her. We could not change or alter that plan.
It was her faith and beliefs that placed me at ease as well as the fact that she did no longer suffer.
She also died of cancer.
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| 6/4/2014 3:55:17 PM |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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You know, I don't mean to make it sound like it was all about bananas and make it sound so trivial. Intellectually, I knew it was more than that, but emotionally, I didn't believe that.
I also took the responsibility for not calling 911 immediately, for not understanding instantly that when he didn't want to drive, it meant he was about to die, that once we were in the car (we were running some errands) that I should just have driven to the hospital, that I should have known when he complained of pains that he thought were flu-like, I should have instantly known what it really was, and that when I realized he'd stopped breathing, that I should have been able to haul him out of the car and perform CPR. I mean, I know CPR...why couldn't I do it? And so on.
You can't take that kind of blame on yourself. It does no good, and it's not on you to do these things. Like 103tl1 said, you did what you did knowing only what you knew at the time. It's not your fault and you cannot take the blame for something beyond your control.
If you continue doing that, you're just staying stuck in the pain. Forgive yourself. Let yourself heal.
[Edited 6/4/2014 3:56:01 PM ]
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| 6/4/2014 6:00:41 PM |
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kcarole95
Chilton, WI
48, joined Apr. 2012
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The thing is, I know it's not my fault. I didn't give him cancer, I didn't make the treatments not work. I did everything I could and everything he asked. But the feeling won't go away. I'm not trying to make it all about me. Wow. I've gone thru counseling for this. I have survivor's remorse. I just wanted to know how long it took yall to feel better, I didn't need to be berated.
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| 6/4/2014 7:27:31 PM |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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I'm sorry you felt berated. I don't think either of us meant to make you feel that.
It's just that we all have survivor's remorse. I know I sure wanted to have been the one who died, not him.
I was just trying to say that it comes down to you. You have to just forgive yourself for whatever it is you are taking blame for. No one can do it for you and there is no magic words involved. I had to sit down and work through it and for me, it also meant realizing that I'm not in control, I don't make things happen or not, and things didn't revolve around me. Once I could do that, I don't feel the pain anymore. I still feel the sadness, the loss, the missing him, especially around all the important dates, but I have peace now.
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| 6/4/2014 7:43:38 PM |
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kcarole95
Chilton, WI
48, joined Apr. 2012
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I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be b*tchy. I understand what you're saying. Thank you. I will try harder to forgive myself and get thru this. I'm sorry for your loss.
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| 6/4/2014 8:07:27 PM |
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needsome1kind
Pecatonica, IL
35, joined Jan. 2014
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I don't think there's a set equation to determine how long it will take for anybody. Everyone has their own things that help them deal with the loss, the guilt, etc. I also blamed myself for his passing. Why didn't I just make him go to the hospital when I thought there was something wrong, why did I believe him when he said he would be fine until the morning, why didn't I just go straight to the ER when I had him in the car on the way home from the airport. I trusted him to know what was going on since he was the one with the heart condition, but he betrayed that trust. One thing that helps me when I'm having a really bad day is I'll go out to the cemetary and sit at his grave. I'll yell at him, cry my eyes out, ask him all the questions that are running through my mind or whatever it is that I need that day. I don't know what it is about doing this that makes me feel better, but it does most of the time. But everyone has their own thing, its just a matter of finding it.
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| 6/5/2014 1:12:59 PM |
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kcarole95
Chilton, WI
48, joined Apr. 2012
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So true. Thank you guys for your input. It has helped.
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| 6/9/2014 8:06:15 PM |
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alwaysurangel76
Killeen, TX
29, joined Sep. 2013
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Tomorrow will mark the one year passing of my Husband. It is hard to move on for sure but I am trying to a little at a time. I worry more about raising our son and making him proud doing so. It is hard not to blame yourself but I try to remember God has a reason for everything even if we can't understand it and aren't meant to at this point. So your deff not at fault hun there is a reason for everything even if we can't make sense of it right now. Hugs
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| 6/12/2014 7:50:22 AM |
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luckylouie42
Cedar Grove, WV
75, joined Mar. 2008
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I think no matter how long it has been, thoughts of your late spouse, and their death will occasionaly enter your mind. JMO
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| 6/12/2014 11:18:51 AM |
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alwaysurangel76
Killeen, TX
29, joined Sep. 2013
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I agree Louie and I think that is something that should be accepted by yourself or anyone you choose to be involved with in the future. they were a part of your life for a reason.
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| 6/13/2014 9:59:31 PM |
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myrasbubble
Festus, MO
49, joined May. 2014
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You know, I don't mean to make it sound like it was all about bananas and make it sound so trivial. Intellectually, I knew it was more than that, but emotionally, I didn't believe that.
I also took the responsibility for not calling 911 immediately, for not understanding instantly that when he didn't want to drive, it meant he was about to die, that once we were in the car (we were running some errands) that I should just have driven to the hospital, that I should have known when he complained of pains that he thought were flu-like, I should have instantly known what it really was, and that when I realized he'd stopped breathing, that I should have been able to haul him out of the car and perform CPR. I mean, I know CPR...why couldn't I do it? And so on.
You can't take that kind of blame on yourself. It does no good, and it's not on you to do these things. Like 103tl1 said, you did what you did knowing only what you knew at the time. It's not your fault and you cannot take the blame for something beyond your control.
If you continue doing that, you're just staying stuck in the pain. Forgive yourself. Let yourself heal.
I did as well. I even call my older son to help me rush Ed to the hospital, Ed would have none of it, he marched right back in the house as he started to go down, in the living room, I caught him mid air and laid him down on the floor, he kept saying I love you so much, I never wanted to leave you like this.
I called 911 screaming, then he went unconscious, I threw the phone at mt son and started doing 1st aid CPR until EMT's got there. They worked on him for over an hour, they tried, but he's gone.
I did everything from pointing out something wasn't right from the get go to making doctors appointments taking him, staying by his side on the bad days and giving him space on the good days. I look back now and know it was just his time. I was so lucky to have him in my life for the time I did. I would not change a minute, a moment. Some things we can't control and it sucks. For a long time I cried over the dumbest things in the middle of the store.., spicy brown mustard, diet mountain dew ect. Bit by bit day by day it gets better.
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| 7/2/2014 11:23:43 PM |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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Well today is my awful dreaded D Day. It has been 4 yrs today, since I had to say Goodbye.
I still hurt, I still miss him, I still cry, I still think of him everyday. I miss his hugs, miss his comforting arms, his sweet reassuring kind voice. I miss my best friend that was always beside me.  I miss the dreams and plans you and I had.
You always be in my heart and because of you... I know what true unconditional love is
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| 7/3/2014 1:04:26 PM |
Still hurting |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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Isn't it heartless and amazing, how all the scammers love to troll the widow/widowers page..??? 
Duh...you get a message from someone that claims to have a Masters, but can't spell and use proper English.
You definitely can tell their picture is taken out of a magazine....
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| 7/3/2014 3:13:23 PM |
Still hurting |
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heart_and_soul2
Sarasota, FL
60, joined Dec. 2013
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^^^
I'm sorry you are still hurting Sunny-Those special days always bring back the memories of what we had. You were blessed to know unconditional love.
As for the scammers--I've had plenty the last few weeks--I just send back a smart azz message and block them.
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| 7/3/2014 3:30:13 PM |
Still hurting |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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 thanks Heart for your reply.
It is a very hard day, but I will do my best to stay on the sunnyside and to be thankful I had the most wonderful husband any lady could of ever wanted.
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| 7/3/2014 4:03:48 PM |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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Well today is my awful dreaded D Day. It has been 4 yrs today, since I had to say Goodbye.
I still hurt, I still miss him, I still cry, I still think of him everyday. I miss his hugs, miss his comforting arms, his sweet reassuring kind voice. I miss my best friend that was always beside me. I miss the dreams and plans you and I had.
You always be in my heart and because of you... I know what true unconditional love is
I'm sorry. The anniversaries are so hard. For me--it'll be five years ten days from now. Four days after that is his birthday.
I don't think we ever stop missing or mourning them. I've been finding myself thinking about mine a lot and crying. But like you, he'll always be in my heart and he showed me what true unconditional love is. I thank him for that.
Myrasbubble, what you said resonated with me. I should have said so sooner. I didn't realize I was carrying around a bit of anger still. I was both angry with myself and angry with him, and you know, it was just his time. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd been able to give him CPR. I've come to the conclusion that he made a decision that day (to decide to hold off getting help) for whatever reason he had and it cost him his life. It cost us his life, too. But it was just his time, and that's how it played out.
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| 7/4/2014 10:38:11 AM |
Still hurting |
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myrasbubble
Festus, MO
49, joined May. 2014
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I'm sorry. The anniversaries are so hard. For me--it'll be five years ten days from now. Four days after that is his birthday.
I don't think we ever stop missing or mourning them. I've been finding myself thinking about mine a lot and crying. But like you, he'll always be in my heart and he showed me what true unconditional love is. I thank him for that.
Myrasbubble, what you said resonated with me. I should have said so sooner. I didn't realize I was carrying around a bit of anger still. I was both angry with myself and angry with him, and you know, it was just his time. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd been able to give him CPR. I've come to the conclusion that he made a decision that day (to decide to hold off getting help) for whatever reason he had and it cost him his life. It cost us his life, too. But it was just his time, and that's how it played out.
I find sometimes, I still go through the emotions. Regardless the pain never seems far way.
It is getting better instead of days of crying of heartache or being pissed, its certain occasions or moments and it doesn't last long.
Sometimes your pissed, sometimes you blame yourself, sometimes you just want a black hole to crawl into. Life doesn't stop it goes on. We must go on. Its ok to feel however you feel, your entitled.
Just know your not alone, and don't give in to the black hole.
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| 7/4/2014 2:11:35 PM |
Still hurting |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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I totally understand the black hole. It finally hit me Myra after reading your post.
The black hole seems to describes it well.
I have retreated to my comfort zone (my home) more and more.
I have an outgoing personality, but yet I don't want to be around people much.
I don't have the zest for life I use to have.
You have made me realize how this black hole has been lingering around me and getting bigger everyday.
Thanks Myra...
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| 7/4/2014 4:04:42 PM |
Still hurting |
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myrasbubble
Festus, MO
49, joined May. 2014
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I totally understand the black hole. It finally hit me Myra after reading your post.
The black hole seems to describes it well.
I have retreated to my comfort zone (my home) more and more.
I have an outgoing personality, but yet I don't want to be around people much.
I don't have the zest for life I use to have.
You have made me realize how this black hole has been lingering around me and getting bigger everyday.
Thanks Myra...
(((HUGE HUGS!))) It gets better, it really does...step by step day by day..
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| 7/5/2014 6:11:30 PM |
Still hurting |
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marpoohtaz
Hammond, IN
59, joined Aug. 2013
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I hear and understand truly what you are going thru and feel right now. Your husband sound just like my Henry. It's been a year for me now, and every day I think about what we would be doing. It's hard because you can't tell the real from the fakes men.....
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| 7/11/2014 11:29:31 PM |
Still hurting |
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texinfool
Lebanon, IN
65, joined Aug. 2013
online now!
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My husband passed away 10 years ago. He was denied treatment cuz of his weight
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| 7/17/2014 12:19:29 AM |
Still hurting |
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heart_and_soul2
Sarasota, FL
60, joined Dec. 2013
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I just found out tonight--My Father's cancer has spread and is inoperable--He is refusing any treatments to prolong life. My biggest fear in life, will soon become true--My Mom will be alone--I pray it brings her and I closer--They have been together for 58 years. She so does not know, all the pain that will soon face her.
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| 7/17/2014 12:52:36 PM |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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I'm so sorry to hear that, Heart and Soul.
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| 7/17/2014 1:43:28 PM |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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My thoughts and prayers are with you Heart. I am so sorry.
My 44 yr old daughter has been a widow since she was 36 with 2 sons. One son was 5 when his Dad died. She was 5 weeks pregnant with the 2nd son and had found out she was pregnant that same week.
The little guy is 6 yrs old now and it breaks my heart when he says tell me stories about my Daddy. I never got to meet him you know
Since my daughter experienced widowhood first, it does draw us closer when we have our down days and we can relate without much explaining.
Many to you and your family
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| 7/17/2014 9:28:07 PM |
Still hurting |
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kiki2u
Romulus, MI
63, joined Jan. 2013
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Hello, its been 4 years and I still cry everyday and oh, the long and lonely nights. But, I think about what "he" would have wanted for me, and Im making tracks to move forward, but stumble more than gain steps. Good luck. Take care..
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| 7/17/2014 10:11:45 PM |
Still hurting |
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heart_and_soul2
Sarasota, FL
60, joined Dec. 2013
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Thank you for the kind words, Sunny and Lake-
My oldest daughter had a very good friend who's father was killed in a car accident. His mother was 5 months pregnant with him at the time. I never understood the loss that they felt until it happened to me. Unfortunately, you have to live it to understand it. I spent time with my parents today. They seem to not understand the medical jargon and were very forgetful about what all was said. I am going to his next doctor appointment with them.
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| 7/17/2014 10:33:35 PM |
Still hurting |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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There have been studies where they've discovered that people hear about every fifth word out of a doctor's mouth. The shock and the sadness and the disbelief gets in the way and you don't catch every word and understand only a handful of what you do catch.
Sort of like you hear them but you don't process them.
It's good you were with to aid in their understanding.
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| 7/17/2014 11:45:12 PM |
Still hurting |
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sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
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Thank you for the kind words, Sunny and Lake-
My oldest daughter had a very good friend who's father was killed in a car accident. His mother was 5 months pregnant with him at the time. I never understood the loss that they felt until it happened to me. Unfortunately, you have to live it to understand it. I spent time with my parents today. They seem to not understand the medical jargon and were very forgetful about what all was said. I am going to his next doctor appointment with them.
My elder sister had the same problem remembering & digesting what the Dr. said. She ask him if she could bring a recorder in so she could remember what he said. He allowed her to do so. She would record the conversation so her husband & sister knew what he said.
I think it is a good idea for you to go. I know it helped me when my husband was sick to have someone else there.
Hugs Sunni D
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| 7/18/2014 9:53:58 AM |
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heart_and_soul2
Sarasota, FL
60, joined Dec. 2013
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I always kept a notebook with questions my late husband or I had to ask the doctor. I would take it with me to each doctor appointment. Also, I would write down the important points the doctor said--and even ask for him to spell the things I didn't understand--then I'd look it up when I got home for a better understanding of it.
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| 7/22/2014 10:30:31 PM |
Still hurting |
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peachy1954
Sacramento, CA
63, joined Oct. 2010
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Annivwersary dates can be tough. My siblings/friends are celebrating their Silver/Golden wedding anniversaries and I am happy for them but it is hard realizing I may never have those milestones. .
I think sometimes blaming ourselves for the loss of a spouse is easier than admitting in some things we are powerless.
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| 7/22/2014 10:57:44 PM |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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It's nice to hear others have some trouble with hearing of others' milestone anniversaries. Maybe "nice" isnt' the right word, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels it when others talk about it.
It's not that I'm jealous or bitter or mad at them. Just wishing. I sometimes am afraid I'm too overzealous when I tell them to cherish it, though.
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| 7/26/2014 5:45:42 PM |
Still hurting |
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peachy1954
Sacramento, CA
63, joined Oct. 2010
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It's nice to hear others have some trouble with hearing of others' milestone anniversaries. Maybe "nice" isnt' the right word, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels it when others talk about it.
It's not that I'm jealous or bitter or mad at them. Just wishing. I sometimes am afraid I'm too overzealous when I tell them to cherish it, though.
Yea it is a little hard to stomach when "other's" piss and moan about their spouses, even cheat on them, or just abuse the hell out of them and then try to rub your nose in the fact that they have been married "X" number of years and expect you to send them gifts recognizing their so called "accomplishments".
What really bugs me is the ones that play the "devoted spouse" card when I know for a fact that they didn't darken the door of the bedroom, board and care, or hospital while a spouse spent years struggling to survive. Then they go out and party on the life insurance until it is gone and try to play it off that it was medical expenses that they don't have a pot to well you know.
PLEASE BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR I AM NOT REFFERING TO OP OR ANYONE IN THREAD just something I have seen. .
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| 7/26/2014 11:19:16 PM |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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Oh, Peachy, I know what you mean.
I often wonder if people complaining about their spouses realize who they're talking to. My stepmother complained to me about how much my father was annoying her soon after he retired and wondered how she could get rid of him. This conversation three weeks after my husband died. She also asked if I had adjusted to being single again yet.
While I'm sure he was annoying, and her schedule was being disrupted...and she was talking about my father, she could have used a little bit of smarts right about then.
I just replied that I'd give anything to be annoyed again, and changed the subject.
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