Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?

5/4/2009 6:49:57 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
rugerchick Oskaloosa, KS 51, joined Oct. 2008	I HAVE BEEN CHATTING WITH THIS GUY ON THE D.H. AND HE FINALLY TOLD ME HE NEVER DATED A WIDOW? BIG DEAL...I TOLD HIM I WASN'T A WIDOW BY CHOICE. DIVORCE IS ANOTHER SUBJECT, AS I TOLD HIM IT WAS A CHOICE. HE QUIT TALKING TO ME. LOL..HIS LOSS!! WHY DOES IT MAKE PEOPLE UNEASY? LIFE HAS TO GO ON AND BEING A WIDOW, WIDOWER OR A DIVORCEE SHOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERNCE BUT I GUESS IT DOES. Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
5/4/2009 7:16:59 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
luckylouie42 Cedar Grove, WV 73, joined Mar. 2008	rugerchick, I dont know. You would think that people would think that a widow, or widower, was a person that had a successful relationship. Maybe they think we will compare them with our late spouse. well i never have. I have never really looked for anyone like my late wife. and besides each person is different. right. so i dont know , what peoples prob is.
5/4/2009 8:13:03 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
mrcld45 Saint Joseph, MO 53, joined Jul. 2008	im not , i dont know why someone would be scared , it is very unfortunate , but like you said , you do have to go on with life
5/4/2009 9:11:57 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
passer_by West Jordan, UT 38, joined Jan. 2009	I was talking with a close friend of mine. He said he dated this woman (widow) a long time ago and although she was a very nice person and they got along great, he would never date another widow again. He felt that he was always being compared to her late husband and that nothing he did would ever be as good as what her late husband could do. Although my husband passed away, nobody could ever replace him and I wouldn't want anybody to think I was comparing the two.
5/5/2009 11:07:08 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
kcrick Raymore, MO 60, joined Aug. 2008	Passer by, that's been my experience. While with divorced women, you often have to deal with a person that is angry at their ex, never were able to express that anger against them and are looking for any male to take that anger out on....with a widow, they often feel like the loss of their spouse "just wasn't fair" and they pine for them and they often come up in conversations...like at a restaurant, "my husband always used to order that" or "Ralph always liked white cars too", or "I'm having dinner this Sunday with Jim's family"...
5/5/2009 11:52:41 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
passer_by West Jordan, UT 38, joined Jan. 2009	Quote from kcrick: Passer by, that's been my experience. While with divorced women, you often have to deal with a person that is angry at their ex, never were able to express that anger against them and are looking for any male to take that anger out on....with a widow, they often feel like the loss of their spouse "just wasn't fair" and they pine for them and they often come up in conversations...like at a restaurant, "my husband always used to order that" or "Ralph always liked white cars too", or "I'm having dinner this Sunday with Jim's family"... After our spouses die, we tend to overlook the bad and put them on a pedestal. That's not fair for the other person that is trying to get to know you. I work very hard on not bringing Mike up on everything I do but his family and I are very close. His parents want me to move on and find someone but I think that guys feel overwhelmed when they realize that Mikes family is a package deal along with my family. It is going to have to take a special guy to overlook this and accept his family as mine. Hope that makes sense.
5/5/2009 1:47:47 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
edgeofsandias Placitas, NM 48, joined Jan. 2009	I actually posted a thread in the general dating forum a while back sort of on this subject. I heard from many men that they'd rather date a widow vs a divorcee. But a couple did say that there was too much baggage with widows. Now, we all have baggage, so phoooey on that. Move on. Who wants to date somebody that narrow minded anyway? I've found a great man on DH. I talk about my X when I need to, or when funny stories come up. When my emotional abandonment issue rears it's ugly head, he understands and holds me as I cry. There's somebody out there for you. Keep up the faith! Quote After our spouses die, we tend to overlook the bad and put them on a pedestal. That's not fair for the other person that is trying to get to know you. I work very hard on not bringing Mike up on everything I do but his family and I are very close. His parents want me to move on and find someone but I think that guys feel overwhelmed when they realize that Mikes family is a package deal along with my family. It is going to have to take a special guy to overlook this and accept his family as mine. Hope that makes sense. I'm close with my brother and sister in law as well. It just takes some one secure enough to accept it. But I do know what you're saying about the pedestal. I'm careful not to make direct comparisons and never bring my husband into the bedroom. But he was a part of my life for 20 years, my stories are sure to include him. It's part of me. [Edited 5/5/2009 1:50:40 PM ]
5/7/2009 10:52:20 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
imseddy Dodgeville, WI 52, joined Feb. 2009	I do talk about my late husband, I cant help it, he was a part of my entire adult life. It doesn't mean I want the other men to be like him as to be honest he could be quite an a**hole lol. But, I also don't get upset when men talk about their ex lost loves or even other woman they have dated. It helps one get a better view of how others think and take different situations.
5/8/2009 8:25:33 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
miss313 Columbus, OH 60, joined May. 2009	will i dont talk alot my late husband , i just try to move forward,theres just things that happens to us that we can not change and people dying is one, so we just have to dust our self off and move foward,
5/8/2009 1:15:28 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
petermax Kansas City, MO 61, joined Feb. 2008	Quote- Move on. Who wants to date somebody that narrow minded anyway? I've found a great man on DH. I talk about my X when I need to, or when funny stories come up. When my emotional abandonment issue rears it's ugly head, he understands and holds me as I cry. There's somebody out there for you. Keep up the faith! -End Quote Good for you. You obviously found a keeper. Let's face it, unless you are 14, everyone has a past. For some, that includes and ex-spouse. For others, a spouse that has died. And for others, lovers that have just moved on. None of us can erase our past. The best any of us can do is move forward, truthfully acknowledge our past, and accept that the one you are with will have equally as powerful experiences in their past. Then, acknowledge together that you are here in the present - together.
5/9/2009 10:50:31 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
imseddy Dodgeville, WI 52, joined Feb. 2009	Very well put max.
5/17/2009 2:16:16 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
wildbluemist Battle Mountain, NV 54, joined Apr. 2009	Until you feel a total sense of fulfillment instead of emptiness.You can never move on!In a divorce both partys are usually angry with the other and thats their current state of mind when you date them.In our case its the opposite although we may harbor anger at our situations.I'd rather date a widow her spouse knew she was a good catch and never let her go.
5/17/2009 8:46:28 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
cinthianna01 Goshen, IN 96, joined Mar. 2009	It kind of sounds like the way it was worded was a negative towards his own life story. Second, many think that when dating a widow, they are going to constantly be compared to the lost one. Regardless of reality many lost ones are put on a pedastool. Thus, making it extremely hard to live up to the expectations.
5/17/2009 8:52:27 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
howudoinnn Grantsburg, WI 45, joined Apr. 2009	becuase there hearts havent healed..and u will be no more than someones bandaid till they find themselfs again...from experience
5/23/2009 6:47:21 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
amethystjewel Saint Helens, OR 62, joined May. 2008	They think they have to compete with a ghost,someone who is there but not really there. My husband of 28yrs was killed by a careless driver three yrs ago May 5th. I'm still grieving & probably always will in some way. He was my best friend & we did everything together. He wasn't perfect but was perfect enough for me,in the ways that were important and in the way he treated me. I have a new friend, now but still carry my husband in my heart & memory. My new friend is a good listener & talker but sometimes I feel that he thinks he has to compete but can't. He is always there for me & talks with me about my husband & I really appreciate that. It's easier with a divorced person cuz they know you'd still be with your spouse if they hadn't died... I spent the first 2 yrs in shock but am trying to move on and build a new life, now. I feel that my husbands job or reason for being here was fulfilled & accomplished so he returned home with Our Father. I feel that I still have a job or purpose to fulfill on earth before I join him,again. I still have good days & bad days, but I cherish the yrs we had together,I'll never forget him & wouldn't want to. He was a very Special part of my life and he'll always be a part of me. I try to be understanding of my friend's feelings as he is with mine. He has helped me more than he realizes just by not only listening but actually talking with me about my husband. I cherish this gift he has given me. I hope you will find a good friend, as I have. He can't replace my husband but he can be a new part of my life in his own right. He has given me a very special gift of true friendship and we enjoy doing things together. Life is too short to waste! Best wishes for ALL of you....
5/23/2009 10:36:24 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
posts Bedfordshire United Kingdom 64, joined Mar. 2009	I feel the same way, I will not talk about my wife. People do think we will compare the next person in a relationship against the person who has died, also to move forward you have to heal first, I have found that only remembering the goods things about my wife and forgetting the bad ones helped.
5/24/2009 5:52:50 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
duchessa Yonkers, NY 63, joined Aug. 2008	Hi, This is my first post in this forum. I am not a widow but a divorced lady. About making comparisons...I have yet to find a divorced person that doesn't mention and compare the new person in his/her life with the ex; it is natural, it's human to do so. We are not kids and we have baggage. Why should it be any different with widows / widowers? Duchessa
5/25/2009 1:04:33 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
lothlore Greensburg, PA 61, joined Jan. 2009	I dont know that some majority are scared to date widows/widowers. I think the fact of having had a sucessful marriage and love shows you know and have what it takes. There is no competition,in my mind at least, between a woman I meet,and my wife. Every person,every love is different. I wouldnt want someone to have me compete with someone no longer alive,and Wouldnt put them through it either-there is no competition.
5/25/2009 1:38:37 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
xxxlibra75xxx Gateway, AR 40, joined Mar. 2009	I think it's cause a the psychological trauma that the loss causes(depending on the circumstances, the effect of the trauma varies)..and the person you're attempting to have a relationship with feels that they don't have your attention & feel left out, jealous....like a coach that won't let em' play in the big game.
5/26/2009 10:30:51 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
sprblkhwk Villa Ridge, MO 57, joined May. 2009	I never knew if that was a real stigma or not. I've never been one to live in the past, and if I looked at someone and thought "I wish she were...." I'd know that she wasn't the one. I take people for who they are, and have no interest in trying to change or rebuild them. I'm hopeful that if I ever find someone who begins to have interest in me that she'll be able to see and understand that. I want someone to share my life with, but would never think of her as Linda Part II.
5/27/2009 12:29:07 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
ms_lowery Cosby, TN 60, joined Mar. 2009	I've kind of found a couple guys who made mention,they'd never dated a widow before???? Maybe they have never lost a loved one and just don't know how to deal with "loss",in general??? At least there's no ex husband to worry about? I don't go on and on about him,& each person is an individual. No one would take his place,I'm not trying to find another like him,(lol,long story) I'm actually hoping to find someone to love and share the rest of my life with sharing faith,love and family.
5/27/2009 7:38:50 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
rufaman Quakertown, PA 50, joined May. 2009	I'd have to say that response is just a wee bit one sided. I'm there... and divorced to boot. Everyone has their own time and way of moving on. Compassion is a really big word that a lot of people just don't understand!!!
6/5/2009 8:07:34 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
ccvc Dallas, PA 58, joined Feb. 2009	I always thought widowers would be more attractive because we had a successful relationship where divorced people had a lot more baggage. But I am thinking I may be wrong. I was emailing back and forth with a divorced woman for a couple of weeks and it was going great, then we met for coffee. After coffee it cooled off. I later asked why and she said I had talked about my wife too much during coffee. I had made the mistake thinking that since I was a widower it was OK to talk about my past and mention my wife and things we had done. I thought that was OK since my wife was gone and wouldn't be a threat to another woman. In the future I guess I will just have to be more careful about how I talk about my wife. Hell, at this point I don't know what to say or do.
6/5/2009 8:37:47 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
amethystjewel Saint Helens, OR 62, joined May. 2008	I believe that a " marriage benefits if both are best friends." With that in mind and the fact that " honesty " is most important to a relationship, you should be able to talk about anything, including your dead spouse. " So if I have to watch what I say, then that is not being honest," so I guess I'll remain alone. My husband and I were best friends and could talk about anything including our past. " We were secure in our love and had true trust." [[ I could not accept a relationship without being best friends, with trust, honesty, and security in the relationship.]] I'd rather stay alone, because that is not the right person. If you have to watch what you say, you are not being honest to yourself or the other person. [Edited 6/5/2009 8:40:36 PM ]
6/6/2009 10:27:37 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
ccvc Dallas, PA 58, joined Feb. 2009	I thought that myself. I figured that talking about loving your late wife would be something that would show the new person that you are capable of loving someone deeply, as opposed to a divorced person where you have a 50/50 chance that they couldn't love someone enough to stay with them. I tried to chat last night with a woman who belongs to this group. I later found out she was a divorcee. She said she wouldn't go out with a widower until 3 or 4 years had passed and she was sure he was done grieving. The trouble is for me its been a year last Sunday and I am lonely now. I want to move on and need a little help. I guess I would only get that from a widow, but there are so few that live near me. I guess I am still too damaged to deserve a new relationship.
6/6/2009 7:55:32 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
looking4_prince Twin Falls, ID 63, joined Mar. 2009	I don't think of us as damaged..And everyone deserves to be happy !!!You speak of your spouse because that is who you have life's experiences with ,and you will until you are able to make new experiences with others...If some one you are dating can't handle it tough !
6/6/2009 10:25:12 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
missingron Dadeville, AL 58, joined May. 2009	CCVC, I am so sorry that someone has made you feel less appealing than you are! We do not ask to be a part of this club, we are forced into it. I agree with you that the mere fact that we were still happily married at the time of our spouse's passing says multitudes about our capabilities for loving. "Done Grieving"???? None of us will ever be done grieving. It is still very fresh for me, but I have learned from listening to others here that we never get over our loved one, we learn to move through it to new experiences. Not all divorcee's are that calloused. Having been one twice before my sweet Ron and I were married, I can say that there are women out there who have been divorced who still have the tenderness and sensitivity to understand that you have room for another love without "getting over" your wife who has passed. The lady you speak of should either get into another group or listen and learn. Keep looking, honey. missingron
6/7/2009 12:13:19 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
hopelessathome New Albin, IA 63, joined Jun. 2009	Hey People.....I wanted to respond to CCVC who said, "I guess I am still too damaged to deserve a new relationship." I've been a widower for 2 years in July. There are many women who "think" they know what an appropriate amount of grieving time is for you, but only you can figure that out. I can tell you this, my first relationship was relatively soon....like 3 months after. I was definitely not ready...as in, desperately trying to find something I'd lost..... and it turned out I was still an emotional wreck, especially after I got dumped. (After being married 32 years, that was quite disturbing.) I think we let ourselves go because our wives accept us for who we are, we grew up together...so to speak....and at first, you have the thought that no one else would ever accept you for who you have grown to be. But that's not true. Resign yourself to thinking that you will NEVER have the relationship that you had with your wife again. Be ready to be flexible, adaptive, and open minded. You will find that you "do" have things to offer a relationship. It is never the case where you don't "deserve" a relationship, if that is what you seek. I have found that if you have to work too hard at it, it probably isn't going to work. If a person you are dating can't handle you mentioning your late wife, you don't want that person. Of course, it is probably not a good idea to constantly look for opportunities to talk about her either, but it is part of who you are, and it's unavoidable. Dude.....there is hope. Don't try too hard. Remember your wife as often as you can. Cry about it if you need to.....I still do, almost every day. But I will be OK, and you will be OK too. Good luck..........b
6/9/2009 12:07:34 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
gentlenights Brockton, MA 63, joined May. 2009	I have not had the opportunity to date someone who is also widowed. I have found dating a divorced man has been hard. The person he is always bringing up is still on this earth so if anyone should feel like there is competion it would be the widow. I would like to find a nice man who is widowed because you would understand each other's emotions. You have been thru something similar
6/9/2009 9:26:49 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
d1wolf Paola, KS 46, joined Dec. 2008	I have been a widow since I was 28. I have found it easier to just say I'm single as some people tend to find it easier to consider me a single mom then a widowed mom. Not sure why.
6/25/2009 12:53:01 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
adventurous2 Riverview, FL 59, joined Jan. 2008	I liked your response, hopelessathome to, "I guess I am still too damaged to deserve a new relationship." ...Thank You!
6/25/2009 11:14:43 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
letsplay54143 Marinette, WI 68, joined Apr. 2009	Rugerchick, Quit wearing the badge. Widowed or single, you are still free to do as you please. Change your profile to single and tell them after you have made contact that you were once married. If you have the right attitude there is no difference between single or widowed anyway.
6/26/2009 10:23:31 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
lovin59 Kimberly, AL 67, joined Aug. 2008	I would think that women would want a widower over a divorcee'. First due to the fact that there is no competition from an ex and second , the relationship did not end by choice. I would think they would want someone that was true to the end,not a statistic of failure. As for talking about our loved ones. Well I was married for 40 years. That's all I have to talk about. It is my past. Everything we did we did together. I would want someone to know I was looking for another relationship for the next 40 years. Not something just to get by. JMO
7/13/2009 11:28:06 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
hllywoodlady Hollywood, FL 63, joined Jul. 2009	I have found that they are afraid to date us because they think we put our late spouses on a pedestal and compare everyone to them. Sure we focus on the good memories, but in every relationship/marriage there are ups and downs. We don't compare you to our late spouses and would appreciate you not comparing us to your ex-spouses, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends or ex-lovers. Let's all see each other for the people we are.
7/13/2009 1:29:28 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
librajason Towanda, KS 40, joined Jun. 2009	Quote from hllywoodlady: I have found that they are afraid to date us because they think we put our late spouses on a pedestal and compare everyone to them. Sure we focus on the good memories, but in every relationship/marriage there are ups and downs. We don't compare you to our late spouses and would appreciate you not comparing us to your ex-spouses, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends or ex-lovers. Let's all see each other for the people we are.
7/14/2009 4:56:43 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
panda0ne Lawton, OK 56, joined Jul. 2009	because they think that widower or widow is still want there parnter but you will never find it the same way we know it we start a new life with someone
7/14/2009 5:02:15 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
missingron Dadeville, AL 58, joined May. 2009	Quote from gentlenights: I have not had the opportunity to date someone who is also widowed. I have found dating a divorced man has been hard. The person he is always bringing up is still on this earth so if anyone should feel like there is competion it would be the widow. I would like to find a nice man who is widowed because you would understand each other's emotions. You have been thru something similar Exactly!
7/14/2009 7:46:56 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
wonka65 Bloomsburg, PA 50, joined Dec. 2008	the above quote really nails it. Having gone thru the same thing you would naturally have a mutual respect for the deceased spouse. Divorce is on purpose, death is not.
7/14/2009 7:52:29 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
briarrose66 Tacoma, WA 50, joined Jun. 2009	Yeah, you'd think they'd have a little heart for the widowed...knowing that my loved one....my soul mate was ripped from my arms...I've had people tell me I should get over it, after all it wasn't last week. When you get divorced (yes, I've been divorced, after 13 years, and then married the man who recently dropped dead on me) you can be mad at your X...your x's family...blah blah blah.....and you still have someone to share the custody of the kids, they go stay with dad for a while, and mom for a while and you have time to be a grown up and have some time to meet people. When you're a widow with small kids, your life ends when your partner's ended. Because you can't dump the kids off at the x's and tail off to Vegas or poconos for a weekend on a whim, you're undesireable.....because you won't parade tons of men in and out of your bed for sex in front of your kids, you're undesireable. Bitter? yes...I am. My love passed away February 19, 2009. My life also ended that day.
7/16/2009 6:31:01 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
azureeyes08 Duxbury, MA 51, joined May. 2008	Comparing a current relationship to a past (widower, divorced, serial relationships) is a normal part of life. People fear death, and have a hard time thinking that a man can move on after losing a wife, or they are so self conscious that they THINK comparisons are always being made when they are not. Ahhhhh, the human mind. Take people for who they are. If they cant deal dating a widower, then YOU don't need them. Move on..... xoxoo
7/16/2009 9:12:53 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
j48356 Highland, MI 65, joined Apr. 2009	people ask what happened to all the good one's and all the good ones are taken, well where do they think all the good one's go. They lose their Husband or Wife after many years of having a great marriage. and guess what? They are single again, what is missing from this so far seems to be the fact of what a widowed person has to offer; the love, caring and understanding that can only come after going through a succesful long term relationship. The knowledge that there is such a thing as a soulmate. And knowing that it can happen more than once. People who have lost a mate have gone through probably the worst thing that can happen and come out the other side stronger than most people who have never experienced the death of someone that close, The death of a spouse will bring the strongest person to their knees. That experience lets them be able to love completely, body and soul, and I think that is what scares off those who haven't been through it. That type of total commitment and loyalty. Widows/widowers know that they will never get another person like their lost loved one and thats what makes them open to more types of personalitys. Usually they have a well grounded religious belief, long term jobs, familys that aren't split apart by divorce including in-laws, homes and solid established backgrounds. They have already past the point of doing all the wrong things that you usually go through at the beginning of a relationship. It should be more like do widowed persons want to go through the agrivation of having to deal with those who have not gotten to this point in life that we are at allready. We are only here for a short time, if you get too picky and don't take a chance you may miss out on the pure love that could last you for the rest of your life...
7/16/2009 9:32:22 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
nightstar52 Crossville, TN 63, joined Jul. 2009	You know the great thing is there is somebody for everybody out there... when its the right one that comes into your life it will flow. So don't worry about the ones who don't answer or who are not "feeling" your profile.. Be grateful and get to know the ones that "feel" right to you. Whether your divorced , widowed, single, whatever...any and all relationships have had some impact on your life.. [Edited 7/16/2009 9:47:25 PM ]
7/22/2009 9:25:06 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
briarrose66 Tacoma, WA 50, joined Jun. 2009	and what if the right one already did, and then died..... That's my fear...that I already had my soul mate, my one chance...so I need to "get to the back of the line" and let those who never loved have their chance first.
7/22/2009 11:31:30 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
neveravenue Houston, TX 60, joined Jul. 2009	Briarrose, you are yet young. My famous words to parenting friends was 'your life goes on hold when you have kids'. The sacrifices pays off and sums up to what J48356 said; so nicely put. You need time for you and your children right now. A grief book I read stated to 'make no major decisions the 1st year'. It's been just about 2 years since my husband of almost 31 years. The difference in age and such a long term relationship is you are not quick to matchup. Dlwolf said she uses 'single' status now, but widow/single is a choice for us. After so many years, most probably adapt to single, but it is a choice. Another love will come your way when you are not looking so hard. My biggest fear has been someone taking advantage of the fact that I am alone (not really, but no husband/mate) and think I may be desperate; never thinking of being rejected because I am a widow. If you allow anger to consume you, you won't be able to see or think clearly to make decisions and it will most certainly affect any relationship you do start. I feel your pain. Good luck [Edited 7/22/2009 11:34:50 PM ]
7/23/2009 10:27:12 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
letusing Saint Paul, MN 62, joined Feb. 2009	Good morning honey its not you its there loss belive me Id perfer to date a gentleman. That something that you don't run into G E N T L E M A N often so when i see one ill date Him no matter what he's been through! remember have some great days ahead dear heart;Bev!
7/25/2009 10:51:32 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
zalva Lafayette Hill, PA 67, joined Apr. 2009	I think that if they are affaid to date a widow, it only shows that they are not vey secure about themselves... Period!!
7/25/2009 4:42:19 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
nanzz Lewisburg, PA 61, joined Mar. 2009	Quote from neveravenue: My biggest fear has been someone taking advantage of the fact that I am alone (not really, but no husband/mate) and think I may be desperate; never thinking of being rejected because I am a widow. And that is a legitimate fear. I believe that happened to me a time or two in the past. I never gave much thought about the widow/widower tag as having an effect one way or the other. I sometimes am reluctant to simply say single because I also think there is a stigma to someone in their fifties being single - like there must be something wrong with them that they are that old and not a divorcee. I'm sure at times I forget about my late husband's weaknesses or the differences we may have had. But that is not always a bad thing either. But I did have a good marriage and know that I am complete in my own person (In a large part due to his love, patience, and belief in me when I didn't believe in me!) I know that I don't have to settle for something that is not good, respectful, mutual, and comfortable. I don't expect to find someone just like him, but I expect to find something that will make the coming years good.
7/25/2009 7:35:26 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
bbisblue Valrico, FL 60, joined Jun. 2009
7/25/2009 8:39:30 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
babypuff56 Marion, IL 59, joined Jan. 2008	they wonder if you were the reason they died...better yet, i am scared of who might email me......
7/27/2009 3:10:30 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
singer_man San Jose, CA 58, joined Jul. 2008	max, what you said, that I've copied below, seems perfect. Even though I've never been married, I've had two powerful relationships in my adulthood. Those experiences remain as a part of who I am today, and I have many treasured memories from one of those relationships. I've not dated a widow as of yet, but that's just the way its gone for me; i.e I've never rejected the idea. I think that open, honest communication and a sensitivity towards your partner really helps any couple who desire to be together. This is a good question. Let's face it, unless you are 14, everyone has a past. For some, that includes and ex-spouse. For others, a spouse that has died. And for others, lovers that have just moved on. None of us can erase our past. The best any of us can do is move forward, truthfully acknowledge our past, and accept that the one you are with will have equally as powerful experiences in their past. Then, acknowledge together that you are here in the present - together.
7/27/2009 4:30:10 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
tenngrrl4evr Concord, NC 63, joined Jul. 2009	Ive been a widow for five years now. People treat me different somehow. I was married to my husband for 34 years. I took care of him in his illness, but that doesn't make me special. I did what I had to do. I'm not different because I'm a widow. I didn't ask for this, didn't want it. I'm so glad to be able to finally express my feelings....
7/28/2009 12:22:02 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
joy617 Scottsboro, AL 53, joined Apr. 2008	I'm not scared of dating a widower, but I have had a very unusual experience with one. The man I was engaged to is totally blind and hard of hearing, 90% deaf. He is an amazing man. His last relationship was when he was sighted (before he went blind). It is uncanny how much me and his fiance' that passed on "structually" look alike. We are about the same height, weight, both have long naturally curly hair, similiar facial structure, etc. My fiance' accidently called me by her name a few times. I didn't respond much at first, I just pretended I didn't hear him to save him embarrassment. Then finally I confronted him. This was his answer. "She is the last lady my eyes seen that I loved. I have her image in my mind. When I 'see' you I can't help, but SEE her in my mind.", he confessed. Never in my life had I experienced this. I have been called by another ladies name by mistake, but not because he couldn't distinguish between the two of us. It was hard for me to swallow. She died a few years ago. He didn't get to attend her funeral, but was sent her ashes in an Urn. My heart went out to my fiance. How could I help him to focus on me instead of her. He never "seen" me when he was sighted. Although, he could caress my face and study my cheek bones and facial structure the only face he could "vision" was hers. He left me and we have parted ways. I offered to cut my long hair, but he said, "It wouldn't matter." How does one deal with that? It has been heart wrenching for me.
7/28/2009 4:35:05 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
neveravenue Houston, TX 60, joined Jul. 2009	The best advice anyone could give you is 'move on'. At least you didn't marry and then feel obligated to stay in the marriage because of his condition. I was married the 1st time at an early age, but it didn't last. After I met and married my beloved husband, I accidently called my ex his name a few times when he would come to pick up our daughter. He let it go the first few times, but then got sarcastic after that telling me, my name is James. Now of course, I really didn't care since he was the one who messed up the marriage anyway, but I really wasn't trying to do it. You just get so accustomed to calling your spouse name and it becomes a habit. I'm sure my husband would have done the same thing had it been me who died and he dated later.....Heck he called me all the times; sometimes I got tired of hearing my name...LOL. Your's is different because the issue is really he has not gotten over his last and that can create a problem for sighted or non-sighted. He is not willing to move, so you have to. That's why I believe people should take their time and find themselves before they match up with anyone else widow/divorced or whatever. Good luck and don't rush it. [Edited 7/28/2009 4:35:33 PM ]
7/30/2009 2:02:28 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
ladyvirtue123 Magalia, CA 60, joined Jun. 2008	In part I think its because the widow/widower still love their spouse..People who come along after don't want to live in the deceaseds shadow..it's different than getting a divorce, usually you can't stand the ex, but not so when your spouse has passed..
8/2/2009 11:34:44 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
nedley Harrisburg, PA 62, joined May. 2009	People are afraid or unsure to date a widow or widower because they feel that they probably can't measure up to what the widow or widower had. They are not divorced-they proved they can sustain a relationship. If a divorced person would end up marrying and widow or widower and it doesn't work, it's probably them. If a divorced person marries another divorced person, they can always blame the other party. Just my opinion, but I am a widower and I know what I lost.
8/3/2009 4:17:21 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
atthis2008 Peoria, AZ 54, joined Dec. 2008	I have to agree with most of these posts that I read (no I didnt read them all) in my own experience we as the widower come with some inherent luggage, the normal man stuff that no one talks about and some new issues depending on our experience's (you know the sensitive feelings that made it to the surface) like others say, some fear they are competing with our deceased partner on many levels, if you have kids its even harder, at least it seems to be for me, women competeing with that wife thats gone isnt nearly as troubling as competing with a lost mom, brings up some self esteem issues and some insecurities they just cant get around. its really to bad,we are not damged goods, as for me I am well adjusted, my kids are also well adjusted, we have learned so much, we dont judge, we live for today and tommorow, we are not comparing what we had to what we have. and we never take anything or anyone for granted.
8/3/2009 8:10:04 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
neveravenue Houston, TX 60, joined Jul. 2009	I labeled myself a 'great catch' a long, long time ago and it still holds true. Just because I happen to be in the widow's category, does not change that. Your age range and the family circumstance (young children) pretty much will determine if you will date (not afraid; a decision) a lady/man who is a widow/er. It's not so much ourselves that we think about when we are ready to date, it is our family and how our decision will impact the close net we have built. A parent never stops considering her children, but at some point decides what's best for him/her. When the children are grown and on their own, the surviving parent is pretty much free to make decisions and makes the choice when or whether to bring them around their family. This thread began because of someone experience or feeling like men/woman are afraid of dating widow/er, not thinking that the person on the other side has probably had the same thoughts as the discussions have talked about. Now the problem may have been they were in a relationship not open with communication. My husband will always have his rightful place with me and I dare not look for anyone to replace. I choose to move on and will be open minded with a person who fits MY likings. One of the wonderful thing about 50+ is you get to think about you for a change - widow/er or not. [Edited 8/3/2009 8:13:17 PM ]
8/4/2009 6:19:42 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
sporttrac07 Dodgeville, WI 65, joined Jul. 2009	When I was on DH before, I indicated that I was single (I didn't like using the word "widowed"), and I would get quite a few winks and e-mails. This time, I checked that I am widowed (because I have accepted the truth that I really am widowed), and I noticed I don't receive as many winks and e-mails. That's okay, because if that special someone is out there, then he will accept the fact that I am widowed and he won't care that I bring my late husband's name up in conversation, or that I still say "we" instead of "I," or that there is a picture of my husband hanging on the wall. It doesn't matter to me if those who don't want to date a widow don't contact me, because, thank goodness, they have not been in this situation. As many of you mentioned before, we aren't widowed by choice . . . .
8/4/2009 11:04:47 PM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
neveravenue Houston, TX 60, joined Jul. 2009	Besides that, they don't realize some (me particularly) have guarded the heart. Not because there won't eventually be room for another special person to a certain extent, but I don't ever want to go through that painful process again. I read the stories of those who have gone through the death of a spouse twice and my hat goes off to you. Man nor woman was meant to be alone.
8/5/2009 6:42:57 AM	Why are people scared to date widows or widowers?
malemotives Spring Hill, FL 71, joined Aug. 2009	As I say in my profile, quoting John Michael Montgomery's song.... life's a dance, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. You learn as you go. Toes get stepped on. It's a learning experience. Be one widowed or divorced, there are parts of the past that bridge the baggage scenario. Neither are going to divorce their kids, grand-kids, families; and if a potential partners can't deal with that, the relationship is going nowhere. I'd hate to think I'd compare future possibilities with Cindy's and my marriage or try to replace it with another. While she will always be a part of who I am, she's tucked away in a special place and it's for me to move on. A new chapter. Forging a relationship unique to me and whomever fills my void. I don't think the challenges we face as widow/ers are anymore or less common than a host of expectations of one sort or another foisted on relationships. Most are petty and shallow facades that end up being deal breakers. Maturity has to have a strong backbone because it sure takes a beating. Dave

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