| 4/5/2013 1:54:15 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
Well, I am not a widower, but I have spent the past year with a remarkable woman who lost her husband of 34 years just twenty months ago. She and I were friends in college, and she contacted me six months after Dave died in hopes of finding a companion to provide her some respite from grieving. I remain by her side, but not just as her friend. I love her.
This time should be all about her, and my focus should be devoted to her care, but I desire her, too, and having feelings of desire in this situation prevents me from loving her selflessly.
She knows I am crazy about her, and while she doesn't discourage me, she clearly is not yet available. She asks me to wait. I think she feels that someday she may be ready. I'm not sure she's convinced of it though. I think she truly cares for me, and she finds the companionship fun and positive.
Do you have any advice for me? What can I do in my position that nobody else can? Flowers and cards and candy and doing things together seem superficial. Are they enough? My friend is very private about her grief and doesn't like to talk to me about it. Are there words that I can speak that might get her talking about her husband, her marriage, and their times together? Do you think it's a good thing for me to try to do? Is there some way I can signal my interest in hearing stories of her marriage? Is there something else I can do besides wait?
I will have to wait. She needs time to figure out how she wants to live the rest of her life. She doesn't know how much time she needs. She says that she is coming out of fog, but I sense that she doesn't know whether she can date again or even know what moving forward in life looks like to her. She must face so many questions: Does she feel that dating is cheating? Can she give herself fully to someone new? Is she going to be able to reassure someone new that she can love him right along with the man she lost?
Have you had an experience with someone who came into your life a little too early, before you were ready?
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
|
| 4/5/2013 3:28:17 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sharonipa
Coos Bay, OR
72, joined Mar. 2011
|
 It sounds like you understand what she's feeling right now.....but remember, understanding it and feeling it are two different things.
I remember what I was feeling at 20 months. That first year I was in a fog like her, then the second year reality hit hard, real hard. It was kind of like I woke up from a nightmare and realized that it wasn't a nightmare at all, but was real. Then I had to come to terms with that, and learn to live with it. That's probably where she's at right now.
You sound like you're understanding and really care about her, and my advice to you would be, 'just be there', be patient. Be her friend, and if you can, let that be enough for now, or you risk scaring her off if she's not ready. I know, it's hard.....all the way around.
If it might help, I can tell you how I felt. When my husband died I lost my 'happy'. I lost all interest in my hobbies and all the things that I enjoyed. I tried, but the interest just wasn't there anymore. I tried to 'accept', I tried so many things, but half of me was gone. Everything, music, movies, made me feel like crying, which so out of character for me. I had to find me, me as an individual, a whole person, before I could enjoy life again. I've noticed a lot of changes in this last year. I'm starting to enjoy life again and starting to do things that I enjoy
and feeling more like a whole person, FINALLY .
I was married for 45 years, and my husband has been gone for about 5 1/2 yrs. now.
Nothing beats just letting her know that you're there for her, and that you care. Flowers every now and then don't hurt either Good luck to you....and her.
|
| 4/5/2013 3:41:18 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sharonipa
Coos Bay, OR
72, joined Mar. 2011
|
Just wanted to add that yes, most of us will be able to love again, but we have to be ready. Patience What's worth having is worth waiting for, right? Hope it all works out. Good luck.
|
| 4/5/2013 10:41:09 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
Thank you SO MUCH for taking time to respond. Writing helps me process feelings and emotions, but reading what people contribute here gives me helpful perspective.
Your response shows me that I came to the right place to find people who wonder about, currently face, or have experience with relationship building following the death of a spouse.
I feel humble and out-of-place, though, in bringing up a topic that might seem unconscionable and offensive to some, particularly to those who are newly bereaved. One of my points centers around the question of whether "newly" has legitimacy when it comes to forever loss. When you speak of your second year and I read here of those in their third and twelfth, the notion of Time and the choices we make around it seem very relevant and on topic.
If time cannot heal this, then what is the difference between now and later? We hold on to love with faith and hope and will, for we not only lose part of ourselves when we fall in love, that which we gave so freely of ourselves can seem integral to how we define ourselves. It's in the head, the mind, the heart, the spirit, the body.
As you say, understanding is one step removed from the experience itself, and all the agonizing in the world I do over the loss she faces is for naught.
I remember once in my early twenties, I told my mother that I wanted her to get to know the girl friend I had as a person and not focus on my girl friend's situation. I saw those two things as separate. I guess that we all need to remind ourselves that we are not defined by our situations.
It helps me to distinguish between my lover and her situation, her widowhood. She needs me to support her during these times and that challenges me to suppress feelings in me that see her as a whole and complete person. I just don't know if it is fair of me to expect her situation to change, given the permanence of love.
|
| 4/5/2013 12:43:16 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
|
You sound like a wonderful friend and she is lucky to have you as one.
Like the other poster said it is like a fog for awhile and it then reality sets in one day.
Some goes through different stages and those stages might last longer than others.
I also remember the 20 month mark, I felt like I was just finding myself again. It has been 3 yrs for me and I am still wondering about life and where it will take me.
Just be kind loving and understanding and most of all patient. True love is worth waiting for. Right? 
|
| 4/5/2013 3:40:53 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
For me, yesterday was the four year anniversary of the beginning of the end. He had a heart attack, and fell into a coma. He died three months later.
That day is worse for me than the actual day he died, and previous years I've mentioned it. I didn't this year. I kept it to myself, even though I am loved by someone new, who would have been more than comforting.
I just didn't want to share it and cry. Nothing against him at all, but it was mine and I wanted to keep it close.
Generally, though, he gets to hear stories and things about my husband and I am blessed that they don't cause him to feel jealousy like you hear others say can happen.
She may not feel ready to share him with you. She may not feel ready to let you see her cry. It's a little odd, to me anyway, to be in someone's arms and crying about someone else.
I'm not saying that you wouldn't gladly hold her, and I'm sure she knows that. She just needs to be ready to handle the conflicting emotions in herself.
I was one who didn't wait a long time. For me, I wanted to share with another the love I'd knew could be had...if that makes sense. I thought it was a way to honor the man who taught me what it was.
Others need more time before they want to do that, if ever.
That fog that engulfs you I think is necessary. It allows for you to rewire yourself for your new life while keeping the pain at bay. It allows for that rewiring to make you stronger in order to get through the pain. But then, when it ebbs away, you are front and center with the pain and you have to work out how you're going to proceed with your life.
I have noticed that the fog will come over you again, though not so strong or as much as initially.
Do you feel comfortable asking her questions about her husband? If you do, how does she react? Has she ever shared spontaneously? Do you know the important dates to her?
I'd say let her take the lead in any sharing about him, but let her know that you would love to know more about the man who loved her for so long and helped shape who she is now. My personal opinion is that, often, the ones we love would have liked each other.
I think, if it were me, and my new man knew his birth date, I'd find it really touching and loving for him to acknowledge the birthday in some way. Maybe a toast at dinner. A flower given to her. A hug and telling her you're sorry. No pressure for any talk or anything, just an acknowledgement that you understand the day may be hard.
Something else you need to figure out for yourself. How long are you willing to wait? It's not being mean or being impatient or wanting what you want when you want it, it's just how long can you keep your feelings at bay and be happy with what you do have with her?
|
| 4/5/2013 10:49:48 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
This is such a fine response. Thank you so much!!!
Yes, I know the date of his birth. I acknowledged it by asking her to a quite dinner out where we could toast his memory and celebrate if she didn't already have plans. She thanked me but turned down the offer saying that she'd be okay.
I know the date of his death, and I offered to be with her, but I think understandably she wanted to be with her family and not include me in that private time with them.
I know the date of their wedding anniversary. I acknowledged it and told her that she was in my thoughts and prayers on such a difficult day.
Her husband died on the fourth day of the month, so each month on the fourth day is a day tinged with something a little more painful. She's doing okay, but I try to make it a point to call her at work at the time of day when he would call her.
She visits his grave every Sunday. I don't know if that's common. I've asked whether we might go there together someday, but so far she has let me. Her family sometimes gathers there, but I am not included.
I wasn't included at Christmas time, because she attended a traditional Christmas Eve dinner at her in-laws' home, her traditional Christmas morning with her grown children, and her traditional Christmas afternoon at her brother-in-laws' place. She DID let me help her decorate her Christmas tree, which I thought was a huge gesture, and we baked cookies together.
It's been a mix. She's been trying really hard, and sometimes she just gets tired of trying to make everybody happy. I'm sure you've gone through this. I think she's on autopilot sometimes, doing what's expected in place of what's in her heart. I can feel the distance, and I don't think she can help it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such authenticity and compassion. Reading your story helps me a great deal.
|
| 4/6/2013 12:22:39 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
First, I want to say you seem very, very sensitive to her needs and intuitive of her feelings.
There comes a time in our lives that we have to lay down our grief. To put our love and our memories and our traditions and our...routine?...those habits we developed together?...away.
We can't carry our mourning along with us because it becomes too heavy, and it hinders making our way out of the darkness. It can also harm us in that we do not live ourselves and rather we cling to the 'usual', the routine.
I'm not sure I'm saying this the way I want to, because I don't want it to sound as if I'm chastising those whose coming to that realization happens later rather than sooner.
Maybe it's better said that at some point we have to let our loved ones move on. We can't tie them to us because of our needs. I know it sounds fanciful, but I think sometimes our mourning does not allow them peace. And it certainly does not allow us any.
I know if it were me, I would feel as if she was holding me at arm's length. I would be hurt being excluded from parts of her life, even while I understood why it was happening.
|
| 4/6/2013 2:21:41 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
neverdonethis2
Valdosta, GA
64, joined Feb. 2013
|
WOWthis is great site. i will post when i change my font. but to the man on here. remind her what a wonderful wife she was and still is . and remember that any woman or man that can have that kind of love for that long can love again just as strong..... just hold on and prayers be with you.
|
| 4/6/2013 6:22:13 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
grayfox38
Concord, NC
79, joined Mar. 2008
|
She knows from whence you are coming. If she can't/hasn't gotten over a death after that length of time, she might want to get some counseling. Thinking about something everyday only leads to reinforcement of the loss.
On the other hand, what do you consider your life to be? Waiting for something that might never happen? Rather foolish, isn't it, to waste your life on someone elses extended grief?
Cut it off with her. When she sees/learns/feels the loss of your support and/or attention; it might be the slap in the face she needs. IF you just can't bear to break it off; then most likely you will get dragged like a dog tied to the bumper of a car. You will wear you life out.
I don't give legal or medical advice. I just say what I would do in this situation. Wake up and become a MAN at least. Look how many women there are in the world! And you want to hang up on one? Yikes! 
|
| 4/6/2013 6:59:53 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
rosebud511
Big Lake, MN
55, joined Aug. 2012
|
Hello
I have been I the situation wherei have dated right after he died ANSI can tell urhat I was not. Ready. Alllucan do at this time is pray for her and. Step bk give. Her time to somewhat heel she's not. Ever going be. Totally ready but. It's nice u want to be her freind and. Right now it's. all. That she can handle look luck colleen.
|
| 4/6/2013 9:25:27 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
On the other hand, what do you consider your life to be? Waiting for something that might never happen?
Grayfox, you must know something about acupressure, since you instinctively touched a place where I've been holding a lot of tension.
I'm learning right now. My human (manly?) drives to protect, comfort, shelter, and care for my friend are coupled with expectations I have for reciprocal affection. She is so full of life. There are times when she seems totally present; I forget that she's grieving.
Every month or so, I find myself way too far down the road and suddenly realize that I am looking back at her. I remember that this isn't a normal situation; the situation affects our relationship; our situation may even define our relationship.
When I step back and see her standing there by herself, I ache for her, because she shouldn't be in this place in her life. I want the impossible for her: I want her man to walk in that door and pick her up in his arms and tell her how much he has been missing her. I grieve terribly FOR her, and at the same time, I want the impossible for me. Shakespeare could have made something out of this one.
I found some helpful material in the Wikipedia article about attachment theory in adults, but the stories you and others are sharing are far more personal and meaningful to me right now. I so much appreciate your response.
[Edited 4/6/2013 9:27:32 AM ]
|
| 4/6/2013 9:11:18 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
gdaddy47
Columbia, TN
69, joined Sep. 2009
|
Bless ya if you're her first. Sometimes it works but mostly it doesn't. I know from experience.
|
| 4/7/2013 3:44:04 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Patience and understanding.
|
| 4/7/2013 3:44:41 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
But most importantly ... listen (an hear) what she is saying.
|
| 4/7/2013 6:13:28 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
Patience and understanding; but most importantly, listen (and hear) what she is saying.
Sensei, why do I sometimes feel three heartbeats in my chest?
Such simple words of wisdom. Thank you so much for offering them to me. I'll take them to heart.
|
| 4/7/2013 6:20:27 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
I would add something.
Don't beat yourself up if you find you don't have infinite patience.
Remember, she needs to meet you halfway. Not just want to.
|
| 4/7/2013 6:56:09 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
|
I would add something.
Don't beat yourself up if you find you don't have infinite patience.
Remember, she needs to meet you halfway. Not just want to.
Lovethelake..well spoken and good advice  
|
| 4/8/2013 9:31:19 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
Perhaps the separation we perceive between now and forever is merely an illusion and that are essence is of light and spirit, ever present and whole. One of you apologetically mentions the unseen connection that she feels but suggests part of grieving not only acts upon ourselves but upon the spirits our of departed.
As I read that statement and thought about what it could mean, the more it seemed to say to me that love by itself acts and that patience is what gives love the time needed to bring about change. I tend to think that love is part of that ever present spirit that freely passes between here and now, and that it is the love of our departed ones that endures for us. We just need to give it time.
|
| 4/8/2013 11:44:17 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
~@ wsu ~~ If your are feeling three heartbeats in your chest sometimes, perhaps you are having palpitations or fibrillations. Have you had an EKG lately?
|
| 4/9/2013 4:05:50 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sharonipa
Coos Bay, OR
72, joined Mar. 2011
|
~@ wsu ~~ If your are feeling three heartbeats in your chest sometimes, perhaps you are having palpitations or fibrillations. Have you had an EKG lately?
|
| 4/16/2013 9:23:16 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
mkjpol
Huntersville, NC
73, joined Jan. 2011
|
Op, you are very kind....
I too am a widow. It has been 6 years for me. I did not date for 4 years after my husband died. It took me that long to let go.
This lady you speak of, has not let go of her deciesed husband. She needs to let go and move on.
Now I don't mean that you ever forget a person, or what you had with that person. Memories are wonderful, but they are just that, they are memories, and we need to move on with our life if we are ever going to be happy again.
I really don't think this lady has moved on, and she may not be ready to start a new relationship 100 %....
I don't think her deciesed husband would not want her to move on. She is forgetting that she is no longer married....it is till death do we part. The marriage is over, the relationship is over, all we have are wonderful memories.
The fact that you know all the dates that were inportant to her and her husband is unbelievable. You really should not have to deal with that. Yes, respect his date of death if she has told you when that was, but come on, birthdays, aniversy, etc....this lady is asking to much of you.
I think if she does not move on with her life soon, you need to forget about her and move on with your life.
Yes, she can give herself fully to someone new, when and if, she faces the hard cold fact that he is never, never, coming back, it is over, and he would want her to find a new love.
|
| 4/17/2013 5:59:54 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
wsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Mar. 2013
|
@mkjpol
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. It means a great deal to me that you took the time to respond to my posting and share your take on the matter.
Looking out for the woman I care about means taking into account where she is in her process. She remains pretty closed off to me, maybe because she wants to preserve some sense of maintaining an exclusive and private relationship with her late husband. I guess I don't know whether her stoic, inscrutable behavior comes in reaction to the trauma she's going through or has always been part of her personality. I don't know whether there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is an important question for me to answer somehow.
Many, many thanks. You are so kind.
Terry
|
| 4/17/2013 8:52:10 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
mkjpol
Huntersville, NC
73, joined Jan. 2011
|
OP, you are welcome. I hope I helped shed some light on the issue. Good luck.
|
| 4/18/2013 10:55:56 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
janecitizen52
Brunswick, OH
71, joined Mar. 2012
|
She came to you as a "needy woman" in search of an escape from grieving and seems to be happy with her escape route.
You opened your heart to her, and found love that she is not ready to accept.
You want to hear of her past and she won't talk of it.
You can not make her grieving faster, nor can you make her pain disappear.
A little distance from the situation may help both.
A good friend once told me that I had a heart and head problem---my heart was so
big that it was making my head think that I could do the impossible. After I thought about it, it seemed that I was trying to do things for people that they needed to do for themselves.
You seem to be one of those truly "good guys" who enjoy helping others. Good luck.
|
| 4/21/2013 1:36:04 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
superliciousme
Tulsa, OK
60, joined Apr. 2013
|
Today is 5 years for me, and we all though we certainly didn't apply have an understanding of each other,
I know there were and maybe still do times that my pity party got out of hand.
Every word I've read is valid,
But shortly after my husband's death, I recieved a call my 23 year old nephew had used his father's gun and killed himself.
A reality check for me, but it turned out we who are suffering, are often the only ones who relief is accepted.
Please don't avoid bringing their names into conversation, they made us who we are in part, and they are still loved.
For a time all the friends I had were widows, and I have began texting 3 weeks now with a gentleman who lost hid wife 8 yrs ago
Miles between us, he hopes to arrange a trip here next month.
We will never consider them as baggage, they're not ex's, but appreciate that they contributed to creating the new person in our lives
|
| 4/26/2013 6:01:21 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
opwsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Apr. 2013
|
Update: I'm still hanging in there.
|
| 5/1/2013 7:15:52 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
vida60
Norman, OK
56, joined Jul. 2012
|
I can understand her being still in a fog only after 20 months, yes, she contacted you too early, she needed a man friend and she appears to be comfortable with you, and you appear to be such a great friend.
I didn't start dating until 5 years after my husband passed away, I know it's different for everyone, guess all it boils down to is she needs her time, with or without you,
there will come a day when it will slap her in the face and she will realize that her life goes on.
She may need some counseling as well, if you know any of her family, you could talk to them or a mutual friend, maybe she doesn't want to bother you with everything yet.
|
| 5/2/2013 11:04:45 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
How's it going, OP?
|
| 5/3/2013 5:27:30 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
duchessa
Yonkers, NY
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
wsu75
I hope, I really do, that whenever her healing process is over she doesn't tell you -politely- that she has met a gentleman and that she is going to marry him soon....that you will always be her most precious friend.
BTW, If this happens she will not even be aware she used you as a "muletilla" (crutches)
PROTECT YOURSELF....
|
| 5/4/2013 3:09:19 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Still wishing you well, OP. You keep hanging in there ... patience is key.
|
| 5/16/2013 8:23:07 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
opwsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Apr. 2013
|
These four messages:
I am here for you.
I know you are there.
I know you suffer, that is why I am here for you.
I suffer. I am trying my best. Please help me.
|
| 5/17/2013 11:44:40 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
peppermint12
Maryville, TN
70, joined Jul. 2008
|
She is a very lucky woman to have you even if she's not able to see it just yet. You've received some very good advice here and I wanted to share something with you as well.
My husband had been gone for 3 years when I thought I was ready to move on. I met a man online and I had told him up front that I hadn't dated anyone yet. He told me he didn't normally date widows because all they want to do is talk about their dear departed husbands. I told him I hope he didn't think I was doing that but I couldn't nor would I pretend he didn't exist and didn't feel I could or should not mention him ever again. He was a part of my life for almost 35 years. His answer to me was my husband was dead and gone and wasn't coming back. He went on to say he was here, alive and well, if that's what I wanted. At first I felt it was a very cruel thing to say and felt like he had just thrown ice water in my face, but I took a deep breath and realized he was right. It was time to move on and I knew I was ready.
I'm not suggesting you should do the same thing but maybe it's time to ask if she's ready to move on, in a gentler way!
|
| 5/17/2013 11:59:34 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
These four messages:
I am here for you.
I know you are there.
I know you suffer, that is why I am here for you.
I suffer. I am trying my best. Please help me.
 Welcome back, OP.
|
| 5/17/2013 1:49:50 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
|
She is a very lucky woman to have you even if she's not able to see it just yet. You've received some very good advice here and I wanted to share something with you as well.
My husband had been gone for 3 years when I thought I was ready to move on. I met a man online and I had told him up front that I hadn't dated anyone yet. He told me he didn't normally date widows because all they want to do is talk about their dear departed husbands. I told him I hope he didn't think I was doing that but I couldn't nor would I pretend he didn't exist and didn't feel I could or should not mention him ever again. He was a part of my life for almost 35 years. His answer to me was my husband was dead and gone and wasn't coming back. He went on to say he was here, alive and well, if that's what I wanted. At first I felt it was a very cruel thing to say and felt like he had just thrown ice water in my face, but I took a deep breath and realized he was right. It was time to move on and I knew I was ready.
I'm not suggesting you should do the same thing but maybe it's time to ask if she's ready to move on, in a gentler way!
Are you still dating him? How is the relationship?
|
| 5/17/2013 6:02:54 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
peppermint12
Maryville, TN
70, joined Jul. 2008
|
Are you still dating him? How is the relationship?
It lasted about 6 months but it was a long distance relationship. He lived in Atlanta and I traveled there once or twice a year on business and after I made 2 trips to visit him, I needed him to make the effort to visit me and he never would. I was at a place in my life where I was considering relocating, even before I met him, and considered Atlanta but he wouldn't make an effort. He didn't even understand what happened. He told me he didn't think he had to do anything until I moved there and I never did understand that.
The important thing is I never regretted the relationship, only the way it turned out.
|
| 5/17/2013 6:16:25 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Hey, OP ... be sure you always have fresh breath.
|
| 5/17/2013 6:43:00 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
I had a similarly long distance relationship for about the same amount of time.
It was good in that it made me remember I was alive, and that I could fall for someone else and I wasn't being "unfaithful".
He did do the traveling to me, because it was easier for him, and he enjoyed the trip. I did go to him once.
The problem was is that he wasn't ready, though. Or at least not for me. While he was also a widower, he had recently broken up with someone, and our relationship was really just a rebound for him. We spent a lot of time talking about her, and he went back to her.
I don't regret the relationship, either. It was good for me, and he was a good man. We just weren't for each other. I have positive memories from it, and thank it for helping me live again.
|
| 5/17/2013 8:01:17 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
peppermint12
Maryville, TN
70, joined Jul. 2008
|
I had a similarly long distance relationship for about the same amount of time.
It was good in that it made me remember I was alive, and that I could fall for someone else and I wasn't being "unfaithful".
He did do the traveling to me, because it was easier for him, and he enjoyed the trip. I did go to him once.
The problem was is that he wasn't ready, though. Or at least not for me. While he was also a widower, he had recently broken up with someone, and our relationship was really just a rebound for him. We spent a lot of time talking about her, and he went back to her.
I don't regret the relationship, either. It was good for me, and he was a good man. We just weren't for each other. I have positive memories from it, and thank it for helping me live again.
Lake, They say you never forget your first. I guess it doesn't matter first at what.
|
| 5/17/2013 11:32:36 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
smile ... OP ... though your heart may be breaking
|
| 5/18/2013 8:35:32 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
duchessa
Yonkers, NY
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
I'm not suggesting you should do the same thing but maybe it's time to ask if she's ready to move on, in a gentler way!
Yes, in a "gentler way"....because the way the guy you met here was not gentle at all.
|
| 5/19/2013 1:52:20 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
opwsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Apr. 2013
|
Big life events, like the upcoming birth of her first grandchild, no doubt shocks her sensibilities. There is a family bond, strenghthened over the past several months by the loss members feel especially intensely during the passing of holidays, anniversaries, and the seasons. She'll miss her husband terribly, his death being the big elephant in the room as the family holds this new child. I am so glad she has her in-laws and has a caring and supportive family on her side, too.
I sent the daughter, the mother-to-be, a small gift for her new son but have yet to receive any kind of thank-you. For her to acknowledge the gift would be to accept the fact that there is a man in her mother's life who isn't her father.
I guess that I'd expect or want the woman I am dating to have a talk with her children. Am I asking too much?
|
| 5/19/2013 5:55:20 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
peppermint12
Maryville, TN
70, joined Jul. 2008
|
I haven't had this issue yet. I was involved with a man for 3 years once and met 2 of his 3 grown children and they didn't seem to have a problem at all.
My own son wasn't sure he liked the idea of Mom dating but once I explained that I missed having someone in my life, he still wasn't sure he liked the idea but he respected me enough to let me make my own decisions. I always made sure he knew where I was going and who I would be with to make him feel a little better. He definitely wasn't keen on me meeting anyone online but when we discussed the alternatives, bars, etc., he realized this is much safer and besides, I'm not much of a drinker.
As for a thank you note for the gift, I would consider that just rude no matter who you were but I've noticed that's another courtesy that the younger generation seems to have done away with.
|
| 5/19/2013 6:05:00 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
~~OP~~ On your last.
Don't expect things to be the way they were in the past. Respect, dignity, cordiality and mannrs seem to have evaporated where the younger generations are concerned.
You acted in a polite manner. Give the children the space they need to adjust to the relationship. They will come around when they have evidence of how much their mother cares for you.
Continued good luck.
|
| 5/19/2013 6:18:44 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
duchessa
Yonkers, NY
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
...and I ask: Why the children of widows/widowers feel they have any saying on their parents dating? How far selfishness does go?
|
| 5/19/2013 6:23:27 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
Oh no ~~ Thank you, OP.
|
| 5/19/2013 6:24:12 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
duchessa
Yonkers, NY
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
As for a thank you note for the gift, I would consider that just rude no matter who you were but I've noticed that's another courtesy that the younger generation seems to have done away with.
I feel if she doesn't send a thank you note it has nothing to do with "younger generation / rudeness" but everything to do with her not being sure she likes her mother dating...the same as your son is not sure about your dating. Don't blame this on "age" but on selfishness.
I can't understand how come adults, independent people think they have to explain their actions to those who disagree with them.
|
| 5/19/2013 6:26:06 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
|
|
| 5/25/2013 5:58:21 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sorpstar
Wayne, NJ
64, joined Oct. 2009
|
You were what she wanted, someone to listen to, yet you didn't take advantage of her situation even though you wanted more but in a way not think of your loneliness and perhaps give her space and maybe find a situation for yourself. The time away will make her think and allow you to think and the outcome could make you depart or she loses or she comes to you because she's now ready to move on to another chapter of life...too bad OP has left here because maybe he found another life or for one she left the building with a man she never wanted to lose in the first place as good people don't grow on trees...how many of us have listening skills because if we do have them a good situation and allows us to take the right route without losing time esp on a dating site, the reason why we're here anyway to move on to a new chapter of life or be square...jmo
On smart phone excuse some errors
[Edited 5/25/2013 6:00:56 AM ]
|
| 5/25/2013 10:08:45 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
opwsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Apr. 2013
|
Thanks Sorpstar. I'm still here. I have been reading with interest the opinions and advice others contribute to this topic. Thanks for taking the time to read this thread and for sharing your thoughts.
Her late husband's birthday is coming up on Memorial Day, so I asked the woman I'm dating whether she has plans to commomorate the day. Hopefully my asking the question sends a supportive message, one that says "I know you are there, and I am here for you." She has invited her late husband's family to a barbecue, which seems fitting.
My best wishes to all of you this weekend!
|
| 5/26/2013 12:08:59 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sunnydee7777
Clermont, FL
67, joined Aug. 2011
|
Did you get invited to the BBQ? Will she be joining you in any weekend activities?
|
| 5/26/2013 8:05:59 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
opwsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Apr. 2013
|
Did you get invited to the BBQ? Will she be joining you in any weekend activities?
Sunnydee7777: No. I'm still "the guy," which means it's old school with her: I am the one who is supposed to do the initiating. In fact, she seldom calls me or starts an email exchange, but she likes to talk to me in the evening and she always calls me back and responds to email messages from me. She very seldom invites me to do anything with her, yet she lets me take her to dinner and a movie or take her to a concert. She's had me to her home a few times for dinner, mostly on weekends when we've taken her dog out for a romp.
I took her to dinner and movie this past Friday. Afterward, she told me she had a very relaxed and fun time. She kissed me for a while before sending me home. And when I arrived home, there was a message on my answering machine from her thanking me for the evening. This is very typical for us.
She tells me that she needs time. This year has been far less romantic than last year, partly because I pulled back after having been excluded at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Up until the holidays, we had an incredibly full year together. She'd backed off earlier from sex, thinking she'd gone too fast too soon. I supported her in that and didn't press it, but I let her know how sacred and holy and treasured those moments with her were for me. She knows I'm crazy about her. She knows I'd be on my knees in a minute, if I thought she was ready for a marriage proposal. But I stayed home in January while she went on a trip with her mother and sisters to Hawaii, and I stayed home in Februrary while she went on a ski trip with her kids and family friends. I felt left out over these four months, though I managed to take her out on New Year's Eve and to two or three concerts during that time. She said that she had obligations to these other people and these other relationships. I've told her that I want our relationship to add more of a domestic component to it, that I want to be included in more of the daily stuff, be more of a help to her. She's just not ready for that, though she knows I crave it.
We've had the heart-to-heart talks, and she's not happy about the idea that I might go away. Neither one of us wants the relationship to end. I just keep wanting more than she can give right now, and when it gets me down, the relationship suffers.
|
| 5/27/2013 6:52:47 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sorpstar
Wayne, NJ
64, joined Oct. 2009
|
I'm the type that treats situations like a closer good or bad. It seems she holds onto you because It's her way not the highway. I think there are other fish out there to fry.
Why not tell her your true feelings and simply say its about time I think of me because every day passing I need to be happy and I want that to be with you and together we can conquer the world. Wait for a reaction ...but look into her eyes for sincerity and if not any it may be time to move on for one there may be a better situation for you, maybe not for her but It's your time too...
There was a woman that controlled when she had time to talk to me, since we lived in different states on this site interested in me on her dime. What I'm saying her phone calls controlled me untimely at the same time of the day, drive home from school being a teacher she found because I redid her resume. Sure she thanked me but at the times of no contact she was dating guys living by her on dating nites...yet
Always talking of us. How I found out It involved a guy on this same site. Enough said...close her, move on or keep this thread agoing but each day your lose what's In there for you because you have feelings too...
|
| 5/27/2013 9:44:35 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
barb61270
De Witt, IA
64, joined Nov. 2011
|
|
| 5/27/2013 10:18:28 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
peppermint12
Maryville, TN
70, joined Jul. 2008
|
I have to agree with sorpstar. She will keep you at arm's length as long as you allow it. I'm sure she is very appreciative of everything you do for her and the time you spend together but she needs to value you as much as you do her and, at this point, I don't think she can.
|
| 5/27/2013 3:04:17 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
duchessa
Yonkers, NY
63, joined Aug. 2008
|
opwsu75
I never was known for being diplomatic...so, here it goes: Don't be her "crutches"...she is keeping you around because she knows you are bonkers for her; you fill her empty moments.
Protect yourself.
|
| 5/27/2013 5:43:25 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
opwsu75
Renton, WA
64, joined Apr. 2013
|
I called her last night, knowing today was her late husband's birthday. She indicated that she'd had a rough day, but she wasn't specific about what was going on for her except that she was asked to hone yet another obit, this one nearly two years since his passing, for an upcoming family reunion.
I shifted the conversation to his birthday, and invited her to talk about ways they used to celebrate it. That prompt hit a hard lump, that's all I can say. It was palpable and hard. She recoiled when I asked her about those birthdays, and so I backed off immediately when she said she wasn't going bring those memories to mind (implying it was too painful for her). Maybe it was the day I chose with everything hitting her.
I am so sensitive, but it seems that I don't know how to create a safe place for her to talk about him. I thought she might welcome an opportunity. She won't open up to me, and about all I can tell her is that I'm here for her.
She's read so much, been to grief counseling, spoken with her priest and a psychologist. My sense from talking to her is that she thinks she's okay and that she's just going through the process normally.
|
| 5/27/2013 9:29:02 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sorpstar
Wayne, NJ
64, joined Oct. 2009
|
When people divorce they move on to hopefully a better situation and eventually when spouses die after a period of time they the survivor do the same ...both types remember good times and move on timely...one thing I think you shouldn't get involve with her handling of her tribute to her deceased spouse for his birthday as that day was handled a lot diff then any day of the year perhaps...
I still believe you have to develop a set of steel balls because this will stress you out and she is not getting any advise but she sure is stalling you plus he ain't coming back unless there is a remake of ghost...she should seek counseling or like I said think of you as number one...every minute she controls the moment , you get older and you or she could walk your last day on earth and the survivor has to restart their engines again and look again at time lost...get tough and five her your riot act...let her resell the roses if she lost you...then what..
Notice you don't have to go to her for consoling...she takes and what is she giving you so there's no relationship at all and if one starts that will take additional time to blossom...we know you're the hero and we applaud ya but there is a sayin... good guys finish last...what if you've been stalled and there us another guy who maybe is doing what she is doing to you...and she's waiting on him...and what if she gets the thumb from him would you settle for 3rd best...her deceased hubby and my belief there is another guy you have no business to know exists...you've done your duty, now you need to move on if you give her the speech of your life telling her there's the door before this breaks your heart then what good are ya...jmo
|
| 5/27/2013 11:16:49 PM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
|
She might very well be going through the process normally, and how she needs to.
But it's not fair to you. She is using you as a crutch, and while that may be helping her get through things, it's not doing much for you. But evidently, you're OK with what little she can give you. If the relationship is more good than it is bad, and you can handle the second class status she's bestowed upon you, until such time as she may change how she's grieving (and most of us do at some point), then take what little she can give, for as long as you can.
I think, if I were you, at this point, I would pull back on the sensitive and caring friend you've been. Stop asking her how she's doing and how she and her husband did things. Stop trying to give her space and the safe place to share. She would have already if she wanted to. She's knows you're fine with being her strength, her shoulder to cry on, and all that.
I would start letting her know how her not including you in things makes you feel. I'm getting the impression that she doesn't include you on family things because she doesn't want to explain you to them, or deal with their emotions surrounding it, or deal with her own.
Pull back a little. Be a man interested in a woman as a woman. You've proven yourself as a sensitive, loving man who wants to be her safe harbor. Now prove yourself as a man who wants her as his.
|
| 5/28/2013 8:10:15 AM |
I am the first man she's dated since losing her husband. Any advice? |
|
sorpstar
Wayne, NJ
64, joined Oct. 2009
|
Many of us say the same thing but In diff words. You're reading what we say and this woman is controlling you like a puppet because you don't counter as if its a mutual decision...tell her your true feelings once again and/ or tell her you need time because you're starting to get fragile losing sleep giving your 100%into this and all she does is take and you're becoming her puppet ...stop being a door mat again because nice guys and even nice women finish last...be tuff and if this relationship hasn't progressed since you aren't getting any date other women so there may be another option for you to enjoy ....you're a giver, she's just taking...no balance and a relationship relies on balance...what goes out must come in or its one sided..no relationship should ever be unbalanced...jmo
[Edited 5/28/2013 8:11:13 AM ]
|