| 4/17/2012 3:31:51 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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stringopearls
Huron, SD
60, joined Jul. 2009
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According to some books and articles about communication styles: women tend to resolve issues by talking about them, and men tend to withdraw into "caves." Therefore, I choose to not be very offended if a guy stops talking for a while. How long do most men need to think about something that relates to what they want from a relationship?
I expect men 50+ to have a better idea of what they want and what they are willing to do than younger men. However, I might be wrong.
The reason this topic is on my mind, I recently have been talking/thinking about being with a guy I was with before. However, when I ask how an issue that was present when we were last together has changed, I get silence. I need to talk about possible change before it can be resolved for me, and the guy is the only one who knows what he wants or is willing to do.
I want to allow the guy to have time to "retreat to his cave." I don't know how long is reasonable for him to think vs he refuses to verbalize possible changes. What do you think?
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| 4/17/2012 3:33:22 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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gonedays99
Eskifjördur
Iceland
29, joined Apr. 2012
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Bats live in caves. Vampire bats drink blood. Bats hang upside down.
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| 4/17/2012 3:45:58 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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stringopearls
Huron, SD
60, joined Jul. 2009
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No reference to men being like bats was meant. However, I like bats too.
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| 4/17/2012 3:49:35 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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muscleman757
Belleville, IL
45, joined Oct. 2010
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According to some books and articles about communication styles: women tend to resolve issues by talking about them, and men tend to withdraw into "caves." Therefore, I choose to not be very offended if a guy stops talking for a while. How long do most men need to think about something that relates to what they want from a relationship?
I expect men 50+ to have a better idea of what they want and what they are willing to do than younger men. However, I might be wrong.
The reason this topic is on my mind, I recently have been talking/thinking about being with a guy I was with before. However, when I ask how an issue that was present when we were last together has changed, I get silence. I need to talk about possible change before it can be resolved for me, and the guy is the only one who knows what he wants or is willing to do.
I want to allow the guy to have time to "retreat to his cave." I don't know how long is reasonable for him to think vs he refuses to verbalize possible changes. What do you think?
First lesson... Men show their feelings with actions more than words. Most men realize early (at least the smart ones) that we just can't out talk or communicate women. Women run circles around us when it come to let's talk... Men get tired and bored quick with the let's talk situations. So we have to break our "let's talk" segments into segments. We need a half time break...
Men show feeling by checking his woman's oil in the car. Checking her tires. Making sure her house is properly secure. When we do those things, it means we care about your well being which mean we love you.
Most guys aren't those hollywood metrosexuals who always talking about love and feelings. We can express ourselves with words but a man's actions is what a woman should pay close attention to... A man can say he loves you all day, but if he treats you like dirt, how can he love you?
Smooth words gets men laid but his actions get him a life long partner...
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| 4/17/2012 4:14:57 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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sdp72
Cleburne, TX
44, joined Mar. 2012
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First lesson... Men show their feelings with actions more than words. Most men realize early (at least the smart ones) that we just can't out talk or communicate women. Women run circles around us when it come to let's talk... Men get tired and bored quick with the let's talk situations. So we have to break our "let's talk" segments into segments. We need a half time break...
Men show feeling by checking his woman's oil in the car. Checking her tires. Making sure her house is properly secure. When we do those things, it means we care about your well being which mean we love you.
Most guys aren't those hollywood metrosexuals who always talking about love and feelings. We can express ourselves with words but a man's actions is what a woman should pay close attention to... A man can say he loves you all day, but if he treats you like dirt, how can he love you?
Smooth words gets men laid but his actions get him a life long partner...
This 
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| 4/17/2012 5:03:42 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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driver406
Saint Paul, MN
65, joined Oct. 2009
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Til the game is over, the beer runs out or the woman gets off the phone!
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| 4/17/2012 5:19:26 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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stringopearls
Huron, SD
60, joined Jul. 2009
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First lesson... Men show their feelings with actions more than words....We can express ourselves with words but a man's actions is what a woman should pay close attention to... A man can say he loves you all day, but if he treats you like dirt, how can he love you?
Smooth words gets men laid but his actions get him a life long partner...
I totally agree. I am not a good orator, so actions are what I try to use when deciding if I should stay or not. If a person acts like he wants to be with someone else, says he thinks I should leave, doesn't want to do things I like to do, or says he no longer has any respect for me -- l take that to mean it is time for me to be with someone else. If he later says he would like to try again, I am open-minded enough to look at the possibilities.
However, if I am asking too much when inquiring about what makes me any better now than before or what he is willing to do that he wasn't willing to do before -- my only recourse is to try again hoping the same thing won't happen again or to not take the chance. Taking the same road and expecting a different destination seems crazy to me.  My concern is more about staying away from negative things than hearing words, but I don't know how to do it alone when trying to be with someone.
Am I expecting too much to ask what can be done to not go to the same place we were before?
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| 4/17/2012 5:27:12 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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pattypositive08
San Leandro, CA
60, joined Dec. 2008
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OP....you are not expecting too much when asking the question...just expecting too much when assuming there will be an answer....
IMO, I'd say look for someone else!!
If they weren't happy with you before, or were doing something unacceptable to you....
the same pobably applies now!
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| 4/17/2012 5:29:47 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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onlinealias
Austin, TX
57, joined Mar. 2012
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I have had friends I could talk with easily, and others I could not. The sex of the friend had nothing to do with how well we could talk together, or what subjects we talked about. I am sure there are plenty of people who fit into gender role stereotypes predictably, but in my experience it has always come down to the individual. When I think of how men or women are, it is a kind of a shorthand to remember some common and basic tendencies, some of which are probably based in physiological differences; most of which are more likely from adopting the expectations presented by culture.
If it's a woman I can't talk to, the stay in the cave is about how long it takes her to stop wanting me to come out...or about five minutes past the time she left off waiting and went away. A good one can come on in the cave and participate in non-verbal communication on some level until one of us falls asleep first.
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| 4/17/2012 5:39:16 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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rocknrolloutlaw
Pittsfield, MA
45, joined Apr. 2012
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no, that's not true, you're stereotyping men in my opinion OP 
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| 4/17/2012 5:44:00 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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bigdaddyishere
Las Vegas, NV
37, joined Mar. 2011
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clearly, op was dumped
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| 4/17/2012 5:46:07 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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cubs10
Chicago, IL
29, joined Mar. 2012
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No reference to men being like bats was meant. However, I like bats too.
sweet you like me the name is batman lol. to me depends how serious it is but no longer then a week for me. and if cheating then i say goodbye and hang in the batcave aka my maw's and brothers house. always been there for the rough times as well as me but know we all wish we didnt have to.
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| 4/17/2012 5:51:37 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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rocknrolloutlaw
Pittsfield, MA
45, joined Apr. 2012
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i will say there is some type of breakdown in communication between women and men, because i've experienced it a lot, and so have many men i talk to, but to blame it on men is just part of this whole culture in America trying to portray everything us men do as wrong. I don't buy it. good luck
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| 4/17/2012 5:52:48 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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peteycal
Santa Rosa, CA
32, joined Sep. 2011
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Funny, I have the same problem with women.
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| 4/17/2012 5:54:57 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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ctr916
Roseville, CA
54, joined Aug. 2011
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Maybe you can convince him you can be a girl and a friend, at the same time, and help him get over any issues he may have had in the past; simply for the sake of friendship.
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| 4/17/2012 6:44:55 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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tonic451
Saint Marys, GA
35, joined Aug. 2011
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Not all guys will talk no matter how much they think on it. Some people do not like to "think" about certain things. I've seen women do the same thing you're saying guys do, op. Some people like to communicate and think about things while others don't. You can't change that.
Personally, I can answer most relationship questions instantly because I thought about it before. Some questions will take a few moments for me to think on it. I will never date the same woman twice. If it didn't work the first time, why would it work after that?
[Edited 4/17/2012 6:46:29 PM ]
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| 4/17/2012 6:52:06 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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onlinealias
Austin, TX
57, joined Mar. 2012
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Stereotypes:
Women
The process of talking is in and of itself valuable. It is a shared view, the sharing of which confirms relationship. Saying something with a listener is a way of looking at it, the view forming as the words are spoken. That the person is there for you to do that with provides not only the necessary context but also emotional support, a reality check and constitutes another step taken together, which increases the depth and meaning of the relationship while solving the problem being discussed.
Men
Identify the problem. Solve the problem.
Can talking about it solve it?
If yes, stay on topic, disregard emotions as they cloud judgment, get to the point.
If no, shut up, drink beer, look at porn.
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| 4/17/2012 7:21:24 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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vanir
Victoria
Australia
47, joined Mar. 2008
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OP I think you being clearly insane ran out of cute factor back when you were about 30.
All your vicarious disassociation aside, everything that happens with all your personal relationships is all you, that much is quite rather obvious. But hey if you can't get over yourself by your fifties, shit lady, just breed cats and clip the garden, I'm sure you've neighbours to gossip about and pass the time.
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| 4/17/2012 8:00:52 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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stringopearls
Huron, SD
60, joined Jul. 2009
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Maybe you can convince him you can be a girl and a friend, at the same time, and help him get over any issues he may have had in the past; simply for the sake of friendship.
I am ok with just friends and would like to help others with past issues. Really enjoy doing things with no sexual tension. The challenge comes when there is talk or expectations of sex and/or commitment. If the guy wants me to spend more than a few hours at his place, I want to know what he plans to do in that time. I have lived with the opposite sex to just share expenses -- didn't work well with people we wanted to date so we had to find different living arrangements.
Yeah, I've been dumped before and have dumped others. I don't like doing that to others and don't want a replay for myself either. Therefore, I am looking for ways to minimize that possibility and still be able to be more than just friends if we want more.
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| 4/17/2012 9:56:34 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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mzeee
Shreveport, LA
32, joined Feb. 2012
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According to some books and articles about communication styles: women tend to resolve issues by talking about them, and men tend to withdraw into "caves." What do you think?
Exact opposite from both of my relationships. Except the cave is like a never-ending one.
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| 4/17/2012 10:13:20 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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nextdreamplease
Brick, NJ
52, joined Apr. 2012
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Sometimes it isn't the talking that resolves thigs, it is the listening.
BTW, Bears live in caves too. At least Yogi did. 
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| 4/18/2012 12:48:57 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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mischiefmanaged
Bellevue, WA
47, joined Jul. 2010
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guys will talk- when they know what to talk about. Unless some feeling(s) get in the way.
My daughter often gives me what I call The Daily Download. She unloads all the goings on of the day. ex wife did that, ex gf's did that, I assumed it's a girl thing and that's how they sort their feelings out and resolve them. guys need down time, or cave time, but eventually we get around to doing something about them. Sometimes that something is really nothing, until it builds up to something too big to let go. But cave time after a question is just avoidance. either he knows, or nothing has changed, or something's getting in the way of talking. Either way, he's not ready.
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| 4/18/2012 2:30:50 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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sm94403
San Mateo, CA
50, joined Feb. 2012
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I'm still waiting for somebody I like to come out of his cave and talk to me, so I have no idea
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| 4/18/2012 7:42:57 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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longhairbadass2
Arkansaw, WI
51, joined Nov. 2011
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I can answer this easily. MEN DO NOT like being savior 24\7. We do not like having a dumptruck of self made, made up, and acquired problems dumped on us on a daily basis to test us. Men are great problem solvers. And we take pride in being able to solve problems before they become larger problems. But men in general are based on actions, and mechanical aptitude. Some people get things done. Some people b*tch about problems for the sake of b*tching about problems, and never solve the problems. Some people take action. Some people complain, and never take action. The inactive people who continually b*tch, and get nothing done are intolerable.
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| 4/18/2012 7:54:06 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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cinderellasday
Fort Lauderdale, FL
54, joined Apr. 2012
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Men thinking talking about problems makes them worse. Women think it will resolve and healing will take place.
Men think they might say something stupid and nothing will be resolved. Men fear there might God FORBID be a confrontation.
He will never want to talk about it. He will want to change it any other way other than talking about it.
[Edited 4/18/2012 7:55:10 AM ]
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| 4/18/2012 8:43:46 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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joat111026
Port Saint Lucie, FL
53, joined Oct. 2011
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When I'm angry or upset, I usually retreat back to the cave. Best not to talk when angry or upset. I need a "time out" to chill off and talk to my computer!
In my opinion, when a person is at the peak of anger, they tend to be unreasonable or illogical and closed-minded. So the couple end up arguing more! One curses, then the other one follows! One raises his/her voice, then .. you know what happens.. it's like a "domino effect"!
When I go to places and see people/couple fighting, I usually watch/listen silently at a distance, and learn from it. It is funny and quite entertaining to listen to everybody's reasoning or the cause of the fight and how it evolve into a huge argument. Some are valid reason to be arguing, others are just silly non-sense fight.
OP, maybe send a text message or an email, or about learning the sign language. It could be fun!
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| 4/18/2012 9:01:52 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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dorval
Danville, IL
98, joined May. 2009
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he has a voice and he has to use it.............communication is key to every relationship...........I think many of us need that time away from an argument to sort out our feelings, walking away can be frustrating and confusing and can be detrimental to the relationship.
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| 4/18/2012 9:04:21 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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onlinealias
Austin, TX
57, joined Mar. 2012
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It's pointless to argue with a woman who does not like to begin the make-up sex while she is still angry. Having to wait is a drag. Something good could come on TV and the moment is lost forever.
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| 4/18/2012 10:46:52 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
58, joined May. 2009
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guys will talk- when they know what to talk about. Unless some feeling(s) get in the way.
My daughter often gives me what I call The Daily Download. She unloads all the goings on of the day. ex wife did that, ex gf's did that, I assumed it's a girl thing and that's how they sort their feelings out and resolve them. guys need down time, or cave time, but eventually we get around to doing something about them. Sometimes that something is really nothing, until it builds up to something too big to let go. But cave time after a question is just avoidance. either he knows, or nothing has changed, or something's getting in the way of talking. Either way, he's not ready.
I have to agree with this.
I can't imagine anyone not discussing it, knowing that the key to success in trying again, is to confront and discuss prior behavior or attitude. Especially if that prior behavior is the reason it didn't work before.
If he can't discuss with you any changes, then I'm guessing there were no changes. If something he did (or didn't do) is what caused the breakup, why wouldn't he want to reassure you that he won't do it again? And show you how he recognizes what he did, any triggers, how he dealt with them, or whatever it is that shows he understands and has grown. You also have to discuss how the two of you affect each other and how that plays into actions and behavior.
I picked up again with an old love, years ago. We spent a long time talking about what had gone wrong, and the ways in which we'd changed. We discussed how we'd deal with things and made assurances that we'd not fall back into old ways. We didn't. We spent the next 8 years together.
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| 4/18/2012 10:50:40 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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bumblebee7
Fort Payne, AL
62, joined Apr. 2011
online now!
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I think reading these self help books can just make things more confusing and you have to consider there real objective is to make money, so they are going to tell the most prospective buyers what they want to hear, or set them up to buy more stuff.
Life is a much better teacher, and in looking out into life for several years, I don't see the evidence to back up what these books claim.
This was one guy and you are refering all men by that.
Granted some men don't listen, then other times they are not heard....it works both ways.
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| 4/18/2012 1:07:07 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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stringopearls
Huron, SD
60, joined Jul. 2009
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I think reading these self help books can just make things more confusing and you have to consider there real objective is to make money, so they are going to tell the most prospective buyers what they want to hear, or set them up to buy more stuff.
Life is a much better teacher, and in looking out into life for several years, I don't see the evidence to back up what these books claim.
This was one guy and you are refering all men by that.
Granted some men don't listen, then other times they are not heard....it works both ways.
I agree that life does teach some valuable lessons. I turned to self-help books after I made some terrible mistakes. If I get hurt, I think that is my price for being wrong. However, I can't justify others getting hurt because of my actions. Therefore, I feel compelled to seek out other ways to approach life.
Yeah, I was a lot sexier when I was younger -- guessing a lot of people 50+ were. That was more of a problem than some people would think. Since that is no longer a factor for me, I want to use knowledge to help form a good relationship. Obviously, if I knew how to do that well, I would be selling my own books.
I mean no offense to the guys that the generalization does not fit. It seemed to fit the person I was referring to, and I did not know how long was a reasonable time to wait.
Thanks for the input everyone. For the people that indicated I am to blame -- of course I am, or I would not have questions.
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| 4/18/2012 5:10:52 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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kitarist
Barnstable, MA
56, joined Jan. 2008
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Until it stops raining..
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| 4/18/2012 5:12:29 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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allieee23
Meriden, CT
28, joined Dec. 2011
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They stay in their caves until I decide they've behaved enough to come out.
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| 4/18/2012 6:46:36 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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bumblebee7
Fort Payne, AL
62, joined Apr. 2011
online now!
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Op...many go thru trials and errors of relationships and they can take there toll.
and if we let it, we can take what we want to see, shut off the rest and form strong conclusions aboutthe other gender.
Hey, I've done it too...but then I see it and strive to come to better terms.
So, many just let it out, hopefully eventually come to better terms and start to look at the other gender more open mindedly and with more positiveness.
I will say at times like this a forum or dating site can reak havic on a hurt person.
Well, hope the best for you, and there are men who are capable of expression and showing love, plus the actions people spoke of.
My ex. and I were married 2o years, together 25...and with us, it was the opposite of what you said...
She was the one that found it hard to express.
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| 4/18/2012 8:11:08 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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indianadave1951
Mishawaka, IN
66, joined Dec. 2010
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Women don't always "talk" to resolve issues. Women talk about their problems with other women not to find a solution but to bond socially. Men talk to resolve issues. When a woman tries to "talk" with a man she gets frustrated and says "you're not listening to me" if he offers a solution. She's trying to use the same bonding method on a man that she uses with other women.
IT DOESN'T WORK WITH MEN (usually).
Men know this and it may seem we are ignoring women (now and then we do). He's trying to figure out if she wants an answer or just wants to talk. The wrong answer gets him in trouble every time and he could be gun-shy.
[Edited 4/18/2012 8:13:14 PM ]
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| 4/19/2012 3:29:31 PM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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tiler02
Springfield, MO
59, joined Oct. 2011
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Sometimes when people are not willing to talk about any changes, it is because they do not think there is any reason to make changes. In those cases it is pretty much like it or leave it. You have to decide if it is a deal breaker or not.
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| 4/21/2012 5:19:12 AM |
How long do men need to stay in their caves? |
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cavie59
Enid, OK
58, joined Feb. 2010
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I think I will stay in my cave. I will venture forth to get something to eat though.
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