8/18/2013 10:37:55 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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read more @ splenda.com
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
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8/19/2013 12:32:35 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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How often does someone insult you and you just can’t think of a witty response? Here is a list of funny and witty comebacks to prepare yourself for those otherwise awkward situations.
I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
I don’t have the time, or the crayons to explain it to you.
I’ve been called worse things by better people.
I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.
You aren’t acting like the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be.
You have all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I wish we could be better strangers.
Them: “You’re drunk!” … You: “And you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly”
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I hope they name a disease after you.
That’s probably why you’re still working here.
::surprised:
Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who care what you think, and people like me.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Nice perfume/cologne. Must you marinate in it?
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of nobody caring.
I could say nice things about you, but I’d rather tell the truth.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
You should do some soul searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
You know, you started at the bottom, and it’s just been downhill ever since.
Your face is such a mess, you really should stop reading before slamming the book shut.
Is that your face or did your neck throw up?
Wow! you’re really funny, but looks aren’t everything.
Look, I really don’t have time to educate you, so you’re gonna’ have to take that responsibility on yourself.
Hey man, it’s a free country. You have the right to be wrong.
***Some from the professionals***
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but not tonight. Groucho
He had delusions of adequacy.
He loves nature despite its cruelty to him.
Some cause happiness where ever they go; others whenever they go. Wilde
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." to which Churchill responded:
"Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it."
John Wilkes (to the Earl of Sandwich):
- Egad sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox. -
Earl of Sandwich replied:
- That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
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8/19/2013 10:58:46 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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Works every time. ?
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8/19/2013 11:03:35 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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8/20/2013 12:53:48 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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8/20/2013 11:49:58 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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~~DH~~
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8/20/2013 9:16:57 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bluesrule
Marshalltown, IA
60, joined Jul. 2011
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8/20/2013 9:17:55 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bluesrule
Marshalltown, IA
60, joined Jul. 2011
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8/21/2013 11:39:39 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. Theyrediscover each other via Face Book and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financialinvestment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco; they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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8/21/2013 11:49:32 AM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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[/URL]
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8/21/2013 9:07:50 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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8/21/2013 10:35:12 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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^^ For all your wood and lumber needs.
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8/21/2013 11:28:18 PM |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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8/21/2013 11:46:14 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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^^ For all your wood and lumber needs.
I was thinking more like plumbing big.
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8/21/2013 11:56:19 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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8/22/2013 7:46:06 AM |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.
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8/22/2013 2:22:24 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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8/22/2013 5:10:29 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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Jet Pack Costume!
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8/22/2013 5:11:08 PM |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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8/22/2013 6:45:48 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!
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8/22/2013 7:03:43 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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There was a teacher who was teaching her students the meaning of the word 'definitely.' So she thought if they each got up and used it in a sentence, they would understand it better. So one student gets up and says,"The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "That's not true because clouds can make it look gray." Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher says,"It can look yellow if you don't water it." Then another student says," Are there lumps in farts?" The teacher replies, "Excuse me?" The student repeats, "Are there lumps in farts?" Then the teacher says,"That isn't even a response to my question, but no there are no lumps in farts." Then the student replies, "Then I definitely just sh*t my pants."
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8/22/2013 7:24:31 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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hildaback
Jacksonville, FL
57, joined Sep. 2010
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8/22/2013 9:06:45 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bluesrule
Marshalltown, IA
60, joined Jul. 2011
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8/22/2013 9:07:51 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bluesrule
Marshalltown, IA
60, joined Jul. 2011
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8/22/2013 9:11:42 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bluesrule
Marshalltown, IA
60, joined Jul. 2011
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8/22/2013 9:41:33 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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8/22/2013 11:05:05 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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8/24/2013 1:40:39 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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Detroit's Not As Bad As You've Heard...
Bob was sitting on the plane leaving out of Chicago and heading for Detroit when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck - pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked..
"I've just been transferred to Detroit. You've heard about all the crazy people there. They're bankrupt, full of corruption. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation. How am I and my family going to make it?"
Bob replied, "Relax. Listen to me. I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media makes it out to be. They just want the headlines and the big stories. You do what you'd do anywhere else. Find yourself a nice home, enroll your kids in a nice private school, go to work and mind your own business. If you do it right, it can be as safe a place as anywhere else in the world. Trust me."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you, thank you, man!! I've been worried to death ever since they told me. But, hey, if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. So what do you do for a living?"
And Bob told him, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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8/24/2013 7:03:59 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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Wow!They are little people!
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8/25/2013 9:33:29 AM |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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8/25/2013 11:27:28 AM |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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Wow!They are little people!
You been in my family album again, Kenny?
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8/26/2013 7:44:16 AM |
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fishingmom
Lake Alfred, FL
63, joined Aug. 2008
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8/26/2013 12:11:59 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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8/26/2013 2:50:37 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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The past,present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side fell off? He is all right now.
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8/26/2013 5:56:51 PM |
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eastfoot
Bossier City, LA
61, joined Jul. 2012
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^^^
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8/26/2013 7:21:59 PM |
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kitty97
West Palm Beach, FL
61, joined Aug. 2011
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^^^^^^ Love it! So true and just hysterical! ^^^^^
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8/26/2013 7:32:21 PM |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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8/26/2013 8:22:04 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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8/26/2013 8:49:08 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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They are mouth breathers. Nothing personal Kenny.
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8/26/2013 8:58:12 PM |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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LOL..Mouth breathers..
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8/26/2013 9:02:34 PM |
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redrver
Sedalia, MO
69, joined Aug. 2010
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lady and the tramp....lol
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8/26/2013 9:36:13 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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8/27/2013 2:55:35 AM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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Post Its
Dear Women:
NASA's robot Curiosity recently landed on Mars.
Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars!
Your Typical Male
Dear Wife,
If a husband says he will fix something, he will.
There is no need to remind him about it every 6 months!
Your Badgered Husband
Dear Paranoid,
Life is sexually transmitted!
Sincerely,
Your Doctor
Dear Workout Fanatic:
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Sincerely,
Chubby
Dear Daughter,
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Forever yours,
Your Mother
Dear liberal:
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years!
Sincerely yours,
A conservative
Dear Health Nut:
Some day your're going to feel stupid, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing!
Sincerely yours,
Chubby
Dear Government Leader:
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Sincerely yours,
A constituent
Dear Patient:
Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long!
Sincerely,
Your Doctor
Dear Barack,
It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down.
Sincerely,
US Voters
Dear Friend,
I've got to get back to work. When I stop rowing,
the slave ship just goes in circles!
Sincerely,
Your pal
My Favorite
Dear Boss,
Your comments remind me of Deja Moo:
The feeling that I've heard this bull before!
Sincerely,
Your slave
Dear workers,
Save time. Do it my way!
Sincerely,
The boss
DearTechSupport,
Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken!
Sincerely,
Thereceptionist
Dear Gech Suppowg,
Help. Someone sritched mg keygops awound.
Sincewely,
The boss
Dear Fellow Workers,
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends!
Sincerely,
Your neighbour
Dear Rioters,
Always remember to pillage before you burn!
Sincerely,
Thor The Viking
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving until 5:00.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo it..." Just saying.
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?
Sincerely,
1985
Dear windshield wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That little triangle
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain...no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear world,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some Spanish idiots invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
Sincerely,
the Mayans
Dear White people,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper
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8/27/2013 10:48:19 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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8/27/2013 11:41:58 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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sorpstar
Little River, SC
64, joined Oct. 2009
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I think this is cool..isn't cool a subdivision of funny..it's a 6 minute trip...watch it
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8/27/2013 8:29:16 PM |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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8/27/2013 9:18:15 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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redrver
Sedalia, MO
69, joined Aug. 2010
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8/27/2013 10:37:16 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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Name this tune.
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8/28/2013 7:35:17 AM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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8/28/2013 4:36:55 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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So where the hell is Greta? She's my favorite female pundit on Fox.
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8/28/2013 4:37:23 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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TOP TEN
INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day.."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
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8/28/2013 4:42:04 PM |
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kennylooking4u
Victorville, CA
59, joined Dec. 2010
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She's watching you Big!
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8/28/2013 4:46:15 PM |
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cupocheer
Assumption, IL
68, joined May. 2010
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(this post has been flagged as inappropriate, sorry.)
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8/29/2013 2:25:33 AM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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That's more like it! Brains over bras
These 3 guys are playing golf a hole behind 3 women who are incredibly bad golfers.
All morning long the guys are waiting for the women to get going so they can play the next hole. At noon, they are all sitting in the clubhouse eating. The men are on 1 side of the room and the women are on the other side. The men are b*tching at the club owner who is standing at their table, and informs the men that all 3 of the women are blind.
The men are shocked and feel terrible for complaining about the women.
The 1st guys says to the owner,
"Hey, whatever they are having for lunch, put it on my tab!"
The 2nd guy says, "Yea, whatever they are drinking, put it on my tab!"
They look at the 3rd guy to see what he will do for them.
He says, "To hell with them, they could have played last night!"
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8/29/2013 2:51:17 AM |
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jeffandr
Leechburg, PA
57, joined Aug. 2011
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Here catch Bogi........
just messing with you .......
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8/29/2013 4:34:28 PM |
The FUNNY Business Thread ! LOL | Page 9 |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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It wasn't my head you were aiming at.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men
of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover
with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba....
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8/29/2013 4:36:29 PM |
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lorlieanne
Sweet Home, OR
61, joined Apr. 2013
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good one.
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8/29/2013 5:22:20 PM |
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findingalicia
Lexington, KY
66, joined May. 2011
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Wheres Bubba?
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8/29/2013 6:18:17 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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maybe barking up the wrong tree
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8/29/2013 6:59:19 PM |
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bigbogiman
Corpus Christi, TX
64, joined Feb. 2011
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> With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
>
> 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was
> discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to
> visit.
>
> 'May I see the new baby?' I asked
> 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
>
> Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
>
> 'No, not yet,' She said.
> After another few
> minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the
> baby now?'
>
> 'No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
> Growing very
> impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
>
> 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
>
> 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
>
> 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
>
> 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'
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