PURP"S comedy club

12/14/2015 5:19:47 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	come in tell funny stories a joke,chat dance or show your fun side any subject. have your favorite drink. be nice have fun. Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
12/14/2015 5:29:04 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	trying shutting your eyes and watch for light leaks.
12/14/2015 5:33:02 AM	PURP"S comedy club
tellitlkittis Los Angeles, CA 63, joined Nov. 2012	You're going to have me over here laughing and acting crazy. lol
12/14/2015 5:35:28 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	I love for peeps to laugh..endorphins last 24 hrs when you have a good laugh. what would you do if you woke up and found an elf under your tree?
12/14/2015 5:42:44 AM	PURP"S comedy club
tellitlkittis Los Angeles, CA 63, joined Nov. 2012	Make sure he was warm.
12/14/2015 5:48:22 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	what if the elf ate santa;s cookies?
12/14/2015 5:50:17 AM	PURP"S comedy club
tellitlkittis Los Angeles, CA 63, joined Nov. 2012	How old is the elf? laughing
12/14/2015 5:51:58 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	53 green and he was starving poor little skinny fellow
12/14/2015 5:54:03 AM	PURP"S comedy club
tellitlkittis Los Angeles, CA 63, joined Nov. 2012	Ahh!. I'll offer him split pea soup or green eggs and ham.
12/14/2015 6:00:28 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	he ate it all..but now 2 other elf's showed up utt oh Houston you have a problem. better order mcdonald's
12/14/2015 6:02:20 AM	PURP"S comedy club
tellitlkittis Los Angeles, CA 63, joined Nov. 2012	Take care Purplesky. Thanks for the laughs.
12/14/2015 6:06:58 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	your welcome any time.merry Christmas. did you know what santa said when he stepped in reindeer poop. I must ask santa for a new pair of boots,cause he was blonde that day
12/14/2015 7:56:59 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Geez purpsy can a man get some action here or only ladies...Fuhgeddabouit
12/14/2015 11:31:21 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Heard that Hillary came close once to joining the navy by shopping at old navy for a pants suits...Fuhgeddabouit
12/14/2015 11:35:02 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	What’s with this? 80 year old Rebecca, who has never married, lives in Golders Green and is much admired by the community there for her kindness and her tsodoka. One spring afternoon, Rabbi Levy calls on her. She welcomes him into her house and invites him to sit down while she makes for him ‘a nice glass tea.’ As he is waiting, Rabbi Levy notices a Hammond organ against the wall. On the organ is a cut glass vase filled with water and he’s shocked to see a condom floating in the water. "Oy veh," he says quietly, "she’s gone meshugga." Rebecca returns with tea and buttered matzo and they begin to chat. Although Rabbi Levy tries hard not to mention the vase and its content, he just can’t avoid raising the subject. "Rebecca," he says, pointing to the vase, "Vos is dos?" "That’s my miracle," she replies. "I was walking down Hendon Road last November when I found a little packet on the ground. When I opened it, the instructions said it would prevent disease if put on the organ and kept wet. And guess what, Rabbi? I haven't had a cold all winter."
12/14/2015 11:39:42 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Hey, I might try it! Home Security, for Seniors Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system. I also decided to turn off my external lights and resigned from Neighborhood Watch. To save money I've raised 2 Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner and have the black flag of ISIS in the center. It’s so good now, my neighbors, Local Police, the Federal Police and the Armed Forces are all keeping watch on the house 24/7. In addition, I am followed & watched everywhere I go. I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month! Go Seniors!
12/14/2015 11:40:59 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry. "What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?" "You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied. "No, no," the father reassured. "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies." This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business. The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying. "What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad. "It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy answered. "The mailman is upstairs eating them."
12/14/2015 11:43:07 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.
12/14/2015 12:43:13 PM	PURP"S comedy club
kitty97 West Palm Beach, FL 61, joined Aug. 2011	Oy, another oldie! By saying that what did I become? An "Oyster"
12/14/2015 1:05:49 PM	PURP"S comedy club
stareye1 Osage Beach, MO 57, joined Sep. 2009	OOOOPPPPSSS.......
12/14/2015 1:19:15 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Doing the screw It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby tells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
12/14/2015 1:21:18 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father!'
12/14/2015 1:24:34 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Two guys are sitting in a bar. Sorp and shaggy old a are these guys. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going. The second guy shaggy old a looks at him blankly for a moment and replies," Eh, i’m having social security sex." Sorp looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?" "Yeah well I get a little every month but its not enough to live on."
12/14/2015 1:29:01 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	A shaggy ole dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. The shaggy ole dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman named cup opens the door and starts hitting the shaggy ole dog with a stick. ‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’ ‘Intelligent, my arse!’ shouts the old woman cup . ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’
12/14/2015 1:34:59 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	A DEA officer named cup stopped at a farm one day " I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs." The farmer named Ray replies, pointing with his fingers " Okay,But dont go in the field over there....." The DEA officer verbally explodes saying "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his ( yes cup is male) rear pant's pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in the farmers face. " See this fking badge?! This badge means that I am allowed to go anywhere I wish.....on any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made my self clear?.....Do you understand?" The guy Ray nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short while later, he hears loud screams. He looks up and sees the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the guy's big old mean bull..... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would surely be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The guy throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his voice..... "Your badge, show him your fking BADGE!!!!......"
12/14/2015 1:38:06 PM	PURP"S comedy club
kennylooking4u Victorville, CA 59, joined Dec. 2010
12/14/2015 4:39:17 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013	Well I just stop in toat some jokes
12/14/2015 7:40:38 PM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	all is great sorp how do you post that many..it wont let me keeny will except clowns only for you.. tonight we are serving asti spamonti and lady godiva chocolates..enjoy laugh have fun. sorp santa going to put you on bad list for the eembelishments
12/14/2015 9:12:27 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	It's your thread purple which allows you just 2 posts at a time...while anyone can post consecutively like I had..,on my haiku thread I can only post twice...anyone can multi post...watching Adele and my giants game
12/15/2015 12:07:01 AM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	How would you describe me Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
12/15/2015 3:44:57 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	A man was over seas and it was his mothers birthday he was trying to think what to get her he found a 3,000.00 dollar parrot...shipped it to her a week later he called home and ask how she liked it. she said well it didn't have much meat on it. he said mom tell me you did not eat that parrot. he spoke 5 different languages. she replied well he should have spoke up.
12/15/2015 3:46:47 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	Why did the blonde get fired from the m&m factory? she kept throwing away all the W's.
12/15/2015 10:29:31 AM	PURP"S comedy club
kennylooking4u Victorville, CA 59, joined Dec. 2010
12/15/2015 1:12:49 PM	PURP"S comedy club
stareye1 Osage Beach, MO 57, joined Sep. 2009	Quote from kennylooking4u:
12/15/2015 4:41:06 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013	Don't know any jokes
12/15/2015 8:11:20 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Quote from packersbabe920: Don't know any jokes Copy and paste some from joke forum...they stole 75% of mine as it is...
12/15/2015 8:15:07 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."
12/15/2015 8:17:49 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"
12/16/2015 4:30:14 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	prepair to see clowns..Kenny teases me with them tonight chips salsa and mohito's..or rootbeer. have you ever laughed just to laugh?
12/16/2015 4:32:41 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	did you ever put your panties on inside out? argg did you ever go to put your legs in your jeans and fall over backwards. also be sure and keep your condoms in your car
12/16/2015 2:07:07 PM	PURP"S comedy club
kennylooking4u Victorville, CA 59, joined Dec. 2010	Hey! What the...
12/16/2015 3:43:50 PM	PURP"S comedy club
pentopaper2 Death Valley, CA 50, joined Apr. 2014
12/16/2015 5:01:19 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013	Quote from sorpstar: Copy and paste some from joke forum...they stole 75% of mine as it is... Oh wow, don't know how to do that either Here's one Roses are red violets are blue Take care of me and I'll take care of you..I tried
12/16/2015 5:49:01 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	For babe or anyone that needs to know how to copy and paste Copy and paste You can copy just about any kind of text on your phone and paste it almost anywhere you can type. There are two ways to copy text: by highlighting the text or by using the menu option. You can paste text you've copied as many times as you'd like. If you have a Windows Phone that doesn't yet have copy and paste on it, you can get it by updating your phone software. Connect your phone to your computer using the cable, then follow the instructions in the Zune software. See How do I update my phone software? for more info. To highlight the text to copy it You can highlight text in a web browser, in Office documents, and in the body of email you've received. You can also highlight and copy text from anywhere you've typed it, including text messages you're writing, Calendar appointments you're editing, a contact card, and your comments on Facebook. Tap a word. Drag the arrows at each end of the highlighted text to include the first and last words you want to copy. ? Tap Copy?. Open the file, app, or message where you want to paste the text. Tap where you want to paste the text. In the text suggestion bar above the keyboard, tap Paste?. To use the menu to copy text Use the menu to copy text just about anywhere you can't highlight, including text messages you've sent or received, headings of email messages, maps, links in the browser, local search results, info already in a contact card, and the People Hub. Tap and hold the text you want to copy until the menu appears. ? Tap Copy. Tap where you want to paste the text. In the text suggestion bar above the keyboard, tap Paste?. Note When you use the menu to copy text, you can only copy the entire block of text. You can't choose individual parts. For example, when you copy text from a text message, you copy all the text, rather than parts of the message. To paste the same copied text more than once You can paste text as many times as you want until you copy something else, or until the phone goes to sleep (that is, when the screen goes dark after you haven't used your phone for a while). Follow the instructions to copy and paste something. Tap where you want to paste the text again. Tap the text suggestion bar to bring the Paste icon back up. ? Tap Paste?. Notes When you copy text with special formatting (like bold, italic, lists) or images, only the text will appear when you paste it, not the formatting or images. Copying and pasting works only for languages that use a Latin alphabet. If you want to copy a picture (from a webpage, for example), tap and hold that picture. You can then either choose to share it through email or a text message, or save it to your phone. For more info, see Save or delete a picture or video.
12/16/2015 11:10:49 PM	PURP"S comedy club
lynyrd80 Wood River, NE 55, joined Jan. 2014	A blond on a sidewalk hollers across the street "how do I get to the otherside?". A blond responds "You're on the other side.".
12/17/2015 5:15:55 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	omg I haven't heard that 1 lol..Kenny you is punny...yes I said punny. I went to blues night last night..watched the soap opera going on.2 women trying to get a mans attention..he moves tables to get away from them do they not get it lol.. I was interested in going out with him...he never has a date. but I threw in the towel on this situation
12/17/2015 10:13:17 AM	PURP"S comedy club
kennylooking4u Victorville, CA 59, joined Dec. 2010	PURP!! Punny?...
12/17/2015 10:30:06 AM	PURP"S comedy club
stareye1 Osage Beach, MO 57, joined Sep. 2009
12/17/2015 10:53:34 AM	PURP"S comedy club
stareye1 Osage Beach, MO 57, joined Sep. 2009
12/17/2015 5:10:22 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013
12/17/2015 8:11:35 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	No wonder why santa sometimes is late...Fuhgeddabouit
12/18/2015 1:35:37 AM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	my grand daughter when she was 3 couldn't say funny it always come out punny. it stuck with me cause it was cute. how about a pizza party? I once went on a date..and the man said while we were eating he had confederate soldiers in his basement..creepy lightening pouring rain like in a horror film.. I got the heck out of there.
12/18/2015 5:08:42 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013	showing some love
12/18/2015 9:50:34 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Quote from purplesky56: my grand daughter when she was 3 couldn't say funny it always come out punny. it stuck with me cause it was cute. how about a pizza party? I once went on a date..and the man said while we were eating he had confederate soldiers in his basement..creepy lightening pouring rain like in a horror film.. I got the heck out of there. My daughter use to say at young age..,daddy I'm Seepy instead of sleepy
12/19/2015 9:25:13 AM	PURP"S comedy club
lynyrd80 Wood River, NE 55, joined Jan. 2014	Ever hear the story about the broken pencil? There's no point to it.
12/19/2015 5:14:10 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013	Sex is like snow, you'll never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last
12/19/2015 5:17:28 PM	PURP"S comedy club
sorpstar Wayne, NJ 64, joined Oct. 2009	Good one babe Texas Divorce Hearing A Texas Cowboy and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, She should retain custody of them. The Cowboy also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the Cowboy rose from his chair and with a slow Texas Draw replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
12/19/2015 9:57:22 PM	PURP"S comedy club
purplesky56 Pearcy, AR 63, joined Nov. 2010	Quote from packersbabe920: Sex is like snow, you'll never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last nacho's tonight. I cant think of anything funny help.
12/20/2015 1:25:23 AM	PURP"S comedy club
lynyrd80 Wood River, NE 55, joined Jan. 2014	What does a mini skirt, and barbed wire have in common? Both protect the property, and don't spoil the view.
12/20/2015 4:05:56 PM	PURP"S comedy club
packersbabe920 Green Bay, WI 52, joined Jul. 2013	Thanks y'all I'm trying In the cafe- Walter there's a bee in my soup Yes sir, the fly has a day off

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